Caleb Pinkerton > Quotes

“I suppose that’s what I finally learned from this whole mess—that you need other people to move forward. You can’t do it on your own, and there are always people around who want to help, including people that have been through much worse.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“I guess in my head I realized that this was a last straw kind of move—to link up with an actual drug dealer, but desperate times called for desperate measures.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“The higher the water, the faster it was moving.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“But the cottage wasn’t real. Yes, it existed, but it was still a fantasy. A mirage that lasted for the summer. And like all mirages, eventually it would disappear.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“I’d always been mystified by the dualities of this bridge. By how scary it was to walk across when I was young, but how great it felt to get to the other side.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“It actually felt kinda nice to have my mom grab my hand, but she was crazy if she thought I was going to talk to her.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“I’ve lost a friend for reasons I don’t understand.” I raised my hand for effect. “Yes, my hand is healing, but I still can’t sleep at night. Do you have any idea how hard it is to fall asleep when you are in pain and all you can see is your friend dying while you sit there and do nothing?”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“I guess I’m just wondering what the difference is between a guy like Bill and a guy like me. Maybe not that much, ya know? We both went to the same school and were taught by the same teachers and went to the same church.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“I wandered out to the center of the bridge and looked down on the water. It seemed quite high and was moving fast, but I couldn’t tell if it was deep enough to jump.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“Without a second thought, I climbed up onto the bridge’s handrail and started walking across, as if it were a tightrope. I wasn’t sure if anybody had ever tried to jump into the outlet before, but it was calling me. The water. It looked so clean and blue. I wanted to jump. Wanted to feel something. To feel water rush around me, and to follow the outlet as it curved its way to the river. A river that would take me somewhere. Anywhere.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“It’s ok, I get it,” I said, offering him the reprieve he needed. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah, maybe,” he said and hung up the phone.
And that was how I lost my best friend.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“And I realized that a death in the family wasn’t permanent—that a new life could replace an old life, and that the world moved on. Families moved on.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“I miss the old pain I used to feel. The pains of a normal life.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“And then, out of nowhere, a dark thought entered my head. It just popped in there and put its feet up. I wondered what it would be like to kill myself. And I wondered how I might do it. And I remember feeling very scared—not about dying, but that this idea might someday take root.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“Better left until tomorrow, I decided. I’d have more energy then.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“Then I thought about what my funeral would be like. And I imagined that barely anybody would come, because I was always quite shy, and because people would be sick of funerals by that stage. And I realized that this would be perfect—if nobody came, if I could just die without anybody noticing. Maybe my family. They could come. I should have felt grateful that we all made it out alive, but I didn’t feel much of anything.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“Dr. Wallace, I hope you understand that I’ve been through the worst event of my life. The worst.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“Then let me ask you this—why do you think Bill singled out JBD after murdering his own girlfriend?”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal

“And then she saw the journal I was working on, and she read the last page, and she started crying, and then we started hugging, and then I started crying, and it was this beautiful moment—honestly. I finally—finally—cried.”
― Caleb Pinkerton, The Suicide Journal