Kate Marshall's Blog
August 12, 2017
What Does ‘Mom’ Mean Now That They’re Grown?
I've been thinking about how being ‘Mom’ changes as the kids grow. Long ago, I quit as their Maid and they fired me as Manager. I’ve tried to stop being Nag (aka The Enforcer). So what roles are left when the kids are grown? Here's my personal, work-in-progress list:
What Does ‘Mom’ Mean Now That They’re Grown (Brightly.com essay)
http://bit.ly/2vt9U4a
The Book of You: For My Child, with Love
What Does ‘Mom’ Mean Now That They’re Grown (Brightly.com essay)
http://bit.ly/2vt9U4a
The Book of You: For My Child, with Love
May 1, 2014
To Mom,
How would you answer these prompts for your mom? Here are a few of the answers I wrote in the journal I gave my lovely mom:
I. You might have thought I wasn't listening, but I have. Here are a some life lessons I've learned from you...
Top 5 List
1. Be frugal, whether you need to be or not.
2. Eat healthily (no processed foods, except chocolate)
3. Connect with nature as often as possible (at least once a day)
4. Smile until you mean it.
5. Look to dogs as good role models.
II. I was or am happy that you are my mother when...
I see friends losing their mothers. I'm glad you have taken such good care of yourself so that you are so vibrant and able to be a part of our lives at 85. You are a role model for aging well!
III. If I could make three amazing things happen for you by waving a magic wand, I'd...
1. bring Dad back to keep you company (and do the taxes for you)
2. erase all your occasional aches and pains so you can scamper along on hikes, free of pain
3. let us both travel the 3,000 miles between our homes with the snap of our fingers
These prompts are from the gift journal - What I Love About You, Mom - a sweet way to share memories and appreciation with your mom.
I. You might have thought I wasn't listening, but I have. Here are a some life lessons I've learned from you...
Top 5 List
1. Be frugal, whether you need to be or not.
2. Eat healthily (no processed foods, except chocolate)
3. Connect with nature as often as possible (at least once a day)
4. Smile until you mean it.
5. Look to dogs as good role models.
II. I was or am happy that you are my mother when...
I see friends losing their mothers. I'm glad you have taken such good care of yourself so that you are so vibrant and able to be a part of our lives at 85. You are a role model for aging well!
III. If I could make three amazing things happen for you by waving a magic wand, I'd...
1. bring Dad back to keep you company (and do the taxes for you)
2. erase all your occasional aches and pains so you can scamper along on hikes, free of pain
3. let us both travel the 3,000 miles between our homes with the snap of our fingers
These prompts are from the gift journal - What I Love About You, Mom - a sweet way to share memories and appreciation with your mom.
May 17, 2013
10 Questions for You
This is like the 25 Things note going around, but easier.
- Copy this whole thing into a new email or Facebook note.
- Replace my answers with yours.
- Email it to 20 people or tag 20 people in your Facebook note for them to answer the questions, too. Include me - I want to see your answers!
These 10 questions are pulled with permission from the fill-in journal book PICTURE OF ME: Who I Am in 221 Questions (Kate & David Marshall, Broadway Books, 2009)- www.marshallbooks.net
1. I look like this famous person or cartoon character:
2. I’m more afraid than the average person of (spiders, heights, public speaking…):
3. It ticks me off when:
4. This is the family member I’d most like to win the lottery:
5. This is the friend I can best count on to cheer me up:
6. Basically what I do in my job/school is:
7. Common sounds in my home:
8. Special or hidden talent:
9. I love this game, book or TV show:
10. This motto, saying or lyric sums up my life right now:
My answers-
1. Maybe a cross between Felicity Huffman and Eeyore.
2. Dying alone and destitute in a wet cardboard box. And public speaking, but I’m getting better about that.
3. Double plastic bags for small purchases already hermetically sealed in heavy plastic. Go cloth bags!
4. P or W
5. B
6. Fight adult illiteracy one short vowel at a time. I play matchmaker between adults who read at/below a sixth grade level and volunteers who want to tutor them. I enrolled a former Sherpa as a student last week.
7. If kids are not home: NPR radio, coffee grinding, keyboard tapping, French doors sliding, dog slurping water then burping, clothes tumbling in the dryer. If kids are home: add to that a layer of music, pots and pans clanging, cells ringing, guitar picking, laughter and general commotion.
8. I have double jointed thumbs. I try to hide it because it freaks B out.
9. Scrabble, Boggle, Pictionary/ Shantaram, anything by Dave Eggers/ Modern Family
10. One day at a time.
- Copy this whole thing into a new email or Facebook note.
- Replace my answers with yours.
- Email it to 20 people or tag 20 people in your Facebook note for them to answer the questions, too. Include me - I want to see your answers!
These 10 questions are pulled with permission from the fill-in journal book PICTURE OF ME: Who I Am in 221 Questions (Kate & David Marshall, Broadway Books, 2009)- www.marshallbooks.net
1. I look like this famous person or cartoon character:
2. I’m more afraid than the average person of (spiders, heights, public speaking…):
3. It ticks me off when:
4. This is the family member I’d most like to win the lottery:
5. This is the friend I can best count on to cheer me up:
6. Basically what I do in my job/school is:
7. Common sounds in my home:
8. Special or hidden talent:
9. I love this game, book or TV show:
10. This motto, saying or lyric sums up my life right now:
My answers-
1. Maybe a cross between Felicity Huffman and Eeyore.
2. Dying alone and destitute in a wet cardboard box. And public speaking, but I’m getting better about that.
3. Double plastic bags for small purchases already hermetically sealed in heavy plastic. Go cloth bags!
4. P or W
5. B
6. Fight adult illiteracy one short vowel at a time. I play matchmaker between adults who read at/below a sixth grade level and volunteers who want to tutor them. I enrolled a former Sherpa as a student last week.
7. If kids are not home: NPR radio, coffee grinding, keyboard tapping, French doors sliding, dog slurping water then burping, clothes tumbling in the dryer. If kids are home: add to that a layer of music, pots and pans clanging, cells ringing, guitar picking, laughter and general commotion.
8. I have double jointed thumbs. I try to hide it because it freaks B out.
9. Scrabble, Boggle, Pictionary/ Shantaram, anything by Dave Eggers/ Modern Family
10. One day at a time.
May 5, 2013
Mothers
With a gift book for moms - WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU, MOM - just published, I've been collecting quotes about moms. Erma Bombeck is my all-time favorite humorist when it comes to the subject of motherhood, but not the only one to capture the essence of motherhood nicely.
DO ANY OF THESE SOUND LIKE YOUR MOM?:
“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”
Erma Bombeck
“Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" "Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" "Wasn't there any change?”
Erma Bombeck
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
Calvin Trillin
“Our mothers always remain the strangest, craziest people we've ever met.”
Marguerite Duras
“Think for a minute, darling: in fairy tales it's always the children who have the fine adventures. The mothers have to stay at home and wait for the children to fly in the window.”
Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife
“A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”
Teneva Jordan
“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”
Mark Twain
“If my mom reads that I'm grammatically incorrect I'll have hell to pay.”
Larisa Oleynik
“Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.”
Alice Walker
“A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.”
Peter De Vries
"Mother - that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries."
T. DeWitt Talmage
"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."
Abraham Lincoln
"Now that... my kids are grown, I understand how much work and love it takes to raise and to keep a family together. The example of your strength, devotion, and patience is now rippling through the generations. Thank you!"
Forest Houtenschil
"An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy."
Spanish Proverb
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
Milton Berle
"[A] mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled."
Emily Dickinson
"Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease."
Lisa Alther
"A mom forgives us all our faults, not to mention one or two we don't even have."
Robert Brault
"Mother is a verb, not a noun."
Proverb
"Mom - the person most likely to write an autobiography and never mention herself."
Robert Brault
"My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation."
Mark Twain
"My mother taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled."
Carly Fiorina
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all."
Author Unknown
WOULD YOU LIKE TO THANK YOUR MOM FOR THE MANY THINGS SHE'S DONE FOR YOU? Here's one way how: http://marshallbooks.net/books/what-i...
DO ANY OF THESE SOUND LIKE YOUR MOM?:
“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.”
Erma Bombeck
“Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" "Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" "Wasn't there any change?”
Erma Bombeck
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
Calvin Trillin
“Our mothers always remain the strangest, craziest people we've ever met.”
Marguerite Duras
“Think for a minute, darling: in fairy tales it's always the children who have the fine adventures. The mothers have to stay at home and wait for the children to fly in the window.”
Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife
“A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”
Teneva Jordan
“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”
Mark Twain
“If my mom reads that I'm grammatically incorrect I'll have hell to pay.”
Larisa Oleynik
“Yes, Mother. I can see you are flawed. You have not hidden it. That is your greatest gift to me.”
Alice Walker
“A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.”
Peter De Vries
"Mother - that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries."
T. DeWitt Talmage
"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."
Abraham Lincoln
"Now that... my kids are grown, I understand how much work and love it takes to raise and to keep a family together. The example of your strength, devotion, and patience is now rippling through the generations. Thank you!"
Forest Houtenschil
"An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy."
Spanish Proverb
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
Milton Berle
"[A] mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled."
Emily Dickinson
"Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease."
Lisa Alther
"A mom forgives us all our faults, not to mention one or two we don't even have."
Robert Brault
"Mother is a verb, not a noun."
Proverb
"Mom - the person most likely to write an autobiography and never mention herself."
Robert Brault
"My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation."
Mark Twain
"My mother taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled."
Carly Fiorina
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all."
Author Unknown
WOULD YOU LIKE TO THANK YOUR MOM FOR THE MANY THINGS SHE'S DONE FOR YOU? Here's one way how: http://marshallbooks.net/books/what-i...
March 31, 2013
Mom Survey
On the eve of the publication of our new gift journal for moms - WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU, MOM* - I asked some folks to tell me something wonderful about their moms. Here are their responses (feel free to add your own answer too):
Describe one unique and wonderful thing about your mom:
"My mom doesn't gloat when she kicks my behind in Scrabble..." (KC, New York)
"My mother is the original MacGyver. She has always had an almost supernatural ability to pull success from chaos, to take meager materials and create beauty, to make something out of nothing and save the day." (Anne, Indiana)
"She has eyes in the back of her head, so don’t slouch. Really." (Anne, New York)
"Long into my adulthood, she stood at the kitchen window and stared up the street waiting for me to arrive home safely. Not until I had grown kids did I appreciate her anxiety, and wish I could tell her thanks for her devotion." (Cheryl, California)
"Our Mom is the glue that holds our family together. She's always the one you go to whenever you need advice, or just a smile. She always has the best advice, and never, ever does she say, “You can't!” It's just not in her vocabulary! Her shoulders are strong because she's been through a lot in her 75 years, but from the outside looking in you would never know she’s had a bad day in her life! That is love!" (Cindy, Florida)
"She never stopped wanting to learn." (Maren, Arizona)
"I think in a different time and under different circumstances, my mom could have done anything. She graduated from college the same year I did after raising 3 children and supporting my dad's career. She found her own space and voice in her own time, but she has always been generous in all things, most of all to her children, telling us we could be anything we set our hearts and minds to be." (Katherine, New Hampshire)
"She makes me smile and makes me feel loved. She will give advice when asked but not judge. She is always willing to share about her childhood and things were when she and my dad were younger. It is one of my desires for my children to say the same about me someday." (Susan, Florida)
How about your mom? What's something wonderful and/or unique about her? Does she know you admire or appreciate it?
*http://marshallbooks.net/books/what-i...
Describe one unique and wonderful thing about your mom:
"My mom doesn't gloat when she kicks my behind in Scrabble..." (KC, New York)
"My mother is the original MacGyver. She has always had an almost supernatural ability to pull success from chaos, to take meager materials and create beauty, to make something out of nothing and save the day." (Anne, Indiana)
"She has eyes in the back of her head, so don’t slouch. Really." (Anne, New York)
"Long into my adulthood, she stood at the kitchen window and stared up the street waiting for me to arrive home safely. Not until I had grown kids did I appreciate her anxiety, and wish I could tell her thanks for her devotion." (Cheryl, California)
"Our Mom is the glue that holds our family together. She's always the one you go to whenever you need advice, or just a smile. She always has the best advice, and never, ever does she say, “You can't!” It's just not in her vocabulary! Her shoulders are strong because she's been through a lot in her 75 years, but from the outside looking in you would never know she’s had a bad day in her life! That is love!" (Cindy, Florida)
"She never stopped wanting to learn." (Maren, Arizona)
"I think in a different time and under different circumstances, my mom could have done anything. She graduated from college the same year I did after raising 3 children and supporting my dad's career. She found her own space and voice in her own time, but she has always been generous in all things, most of all to her children, telling us we could be anything we set our hearts and minds to be." (Katherine, New Hampshire)
"She makes me smile and makes me feel loved. She will give advice when asked but not judge. She is always willing to share about her childhood and things were when she and my dad were younger. It is one of my desires for my children to say the same about me someday." (Susan, Florida)
How about your mom? What's something wonderful and/or unique about her? Does she know you admire or appreciate it?
*http://marshallbooks.net/books/what-i...
March 1, 2013
Loving a Soldier
'Christina' gave me permission to post this account of her long distance love affair with a soldier. In fact, she was so open that she said I didn't need to change her name, but I did.
***
Dear Kate and David,
Although I'm sure you have an abundance of fan mail to read, I feel the desperate need to share my story and to thank you.
I am a Canadian (32-year-old!) girl who is madly in love with a British soldier. The love story that Mark and I share is quite incredible, really, as we met as 16-year-olds on my final night in England and fell instantly in love. I had to leave for Canada the next morning and, standing at the bus in the rain, I speechlessly shoved a crumpled piece of paper with my address on it into his hand and boarded the bus, unable to comprehend the overwhelming sadness and physical pain I was feeling inside. The next five years brought a constant exchange of letters and vows to never love others and to see each other again as soon as we could. But the university years and, I imagine, 'growth' and maturity led us in different directions and the letters eventually ceased altogether.
After 7 years -- quite tumultuous ones for me -- of no contact, I found myself thinking of him often, wondering where he ended up and where his life had taken him. I took a chance on his parents' address that I had from 12 years earlier and penned a short note and dropped it in the post. Within two weeks, I'd received an aerogramme in return and - to use cliche after cliche - we've never looked back... the rest is history. We have been a blissful (although separated by an ocean!) couple ever since.
3 weeks ago, Mark was ordered to go to Afghanistan. He was given 2 weeks notice. I flew to England for the 1.5 days he was given to settle his affairs and to say goodbye to his family. I had only hours with him to tell him face-to-face all that he has meant to me, all of the happiness he has brought to my life. But what could I possibly give to him to take with him? What gift would be portable, practical and purposeful, yet most of all MEANINGFUL and representative of US...? Then I found "What I Love About You".
In short, I want to thank you. Thank you for giving me the gift of expression. As an English teacher and avid reader and writer, I feel I am gifted with words. However, I would never have been able to cover all of the ground that your book allowed me to, especially in the time constraint I was suddenly under to tell him all I could before he left. I am good at telling Mark over and over that I love him, that I miss him, and that I am blessed to have had him come into my life, but your prompts and checklists allowed for creativity, humor, and the chance to recollect things I might not have. You should also know how therapeutic the process was for me. I was not coping well, to put it mildly. I was sad, terrified, unbelievably angry, and your book helped soothe me, reassure me. It put things in perspective, and reminded me of what is so important in life: the 'little' things, and love, and knowing that no matter what happens, I will always have him in my life, in my heart.
Thank you also for helping me to give Mark a constant reminder of how much he means to me; while his safety is of the utmost importance to me, a near-second is reassuring him that I am always thinking of, missing, and wishing for him. Our contact is so limited, but I've received two messages from him and in both he thanks me for the book... He says it's the nicest gift he could ever have received and is cherishing it. I am quite confident that it may give him some peace at the end of not-so-peaceful days, and that it reminds him of what he has to look forward to when he feels a little low. Most of all, I believe that your book is the only true connection we'll have in these next 6 months; we are in two very different places, but that book holds all that brought us -- and will keep us -- together.
I really can't express my gratitude, my appreciation and my admiration for what you've done. Just as there sometimes aren't words to describe my feelings for Mark, I could never articulate for you all that your work means to me.
Sincerely,
Christina
www.marshallbooks.net
***
Dear Kate and David,
Although I'm sure you have an abundance of fan mail to read, I feel the desperate need to share my story and to thank you.
I am a Canadian (32-year-old!) girl who is madly in love with a British soldier. The love story that Mark and I share is quite incredible, really, as we met as 16-year-olds on my final night in England and fell instantly in love. I had to leave for Canada the next morning and, standing at the bus in the rain, I speechlessly shoved a crumpled piece of paper with my address on it into his hand and boarded the bus, unable to comprehend the overwhelming sadness and physical pain I was feeling inside. The next five years brought a constant exchange of letters and vows to never love others and to see each other again as soon as we could. But the university years and, I imagine, 'growth' and maturity led us in different directions and the letters eventually ceased altogether.
After 7 years -- quite tumultuous ones for me -- of no contact, I found myself thinking of him often, wondering where he ended up and where his life had taken him. I took a chance on his parents' address that I had from 12 years earlier and penned a short note and dropped it in the post. Within two weeks, I'd received an aerogramme in return and - to use cliche after cliche - we've never looked back... the rest is history. We have been a blissful (although separated by an ocean!) couple ever since.
3 weeks ago, Mark was ordered to go to Afghanistan. He was given 2 weeks notice. I flew to England for the 1.5 days he was given to settle his affairs and to say goodbye to his family. I had only hours with him to tell him face-to-face all that he has meant to me, all of the happiness he has brought to my life. But what could I possibly give to him to take with him? What gift would be portable, practical and purposeful, yet most of all MEANINGFUL and representative of US...? Then I found "What I Love About You".
In short, I want to thank you. Thank you for giving me the gift of expression. As an English teacher and avid reader and writer, I feel I am gifted with words. However, I would never have been able to cover all of the ground that your book allowed me to, especially in the time constraint I was suddenly under to tell him all I could before he left. I am good at telling Mark over and over that I love him, that I miss him, and that I am blessed to have had him come into my life, but your prompts and checklists allowed for creativity, humor, and the chance to recollect things I might not have. You should also know how therapeutic the process was for me. I was not coping well, to put it mildly. I was sad, terrified, unbelievably angry, and your book helped soothe me, reassure me. It put things in perspective, and reminded me of what is so important in life: the 'little' things, and love, and knowing that no matter what happens, I will always have him in my life, in my heart.
Thank you also for helping me to give Mark a constant reminder of how much he means to me; while his safety is of the utmost importance to me, a near-second is reassuring him that I am always thinking of, missing, and wishing for him. Our contact is so limited, but I've received two messages from him and in both he thanks me for the book... He says it's the nicest gift he could ever have received and is cherishing it. I am quite confident that it may give him some peace at the end of not-so-peaceful days, and that it reminds him of what he has to look forward to when he feels a little low. Most of all, I believe that your book is the only true connection we'll have in these next 6 months; we are in two very different places, but that book holds all that brought us -- and will keep us -- together.
I really can't express my gratitude, my appreciation and my admiration for what you've done. Just as there sometimes aren't words to describe my feelings for Mark, I could never articulate for you all that your work means to me.
Sincerely,
Christina
www.marshallbooks.net
February 18, 2013
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Languages of Love, Love Language #1 is "Words of Affirmation...best expressed as simple, straightforward statements of affirmation." He writes that "the need to feel loved by one's spouse is at the heart of all marital desires." When one person invests energy in filling his or her partner's emotional love tank, the other person naturally reciprocates and this sets the course for a long-lasting, loving relationship.
Singing each other's praises feels indescribably good. That's what our two couples journals are all about: The Book of Us: A Journal of Your Love Story in 150 Questions and What I Love About You. The writing prompts and fill-in-the-blank format of both of these keepsake journals help you find the words to affirm your partner in a way that can be read over and over.
Kate
www.marshallbooks.net
Singing each other's praises feels indescribably good. That's what our two couples journals are all about: The Book of Us: A Journal of Your Love Story in 150 Questions and What I Love About You. The writing prompts and fill-in-the-blank format of both of these keepsake journals help you find the words to affirm your partner in a way that can be read over and over.
Kate
www.marshallbooks.net
February 17, 2013
7:1 = A Happy Couple
The secret to a happy marriage is sincere, loving affirmations according to John Izzo PhD, author of The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die. He sites a study that claims that couples who express seven positive affirmations for every one negative criticism of each other have longer lasting marriages than those who do not.
Although we've never kept count, my husband and I agree with Dr. Izzo's point. That's why we created our two couples journals, The Book of Us and What I Love About You. They are different in style and focus, but share a common goal of helping couples focus on the very best of their relationships. Giving your partner love and gratitude is a gift to the relationship and to yourself.
Kate
www.marshallbooks.net
Although we've never kept count, my husband and I agree with Dr. Izzo's point. That's why we created our two couples journals, The Book of Us and What I Love About You. They are different in style and focus, but share a common goal of helping couples focus on the very best of their relationships. Giving your partner love and gratitude is a gift to the relationship and to yourself.
Kate
www.marshallbooks.net
February 16, 2013
My Life Map - Q&A
Q&A with David and Kate Marshall on www.commitmentnow.com about their new book, MY LIFE MAP: A Journal to Help You Shape Your Future.
1. You write in the back of your book, "Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself." How can life maps help a person do this? And, what does it mean to create yourself?
David: “Finding yourself” assumes that you are already set in stone and just have to blow off the dust to reveal who you are. Life is not like that. It’s more like a blank canvas (or a partially filled canvas, depending on your age). Your painting depends on the colors, textures, and brush strokes you choose. Whether we consider ourselves “planners” or not, we make decisions every day that affect how our life is organized and what direction we’re moving in. Life maps help us flesh out a vision for our life, and give us something concrete to refer back to when we have decisions to make along the way. It’s not a one-time thing; we can continue to create, redefine, and reinvent ourselves.
2. What is a life map?
Kate: Life maps, as we make them, are timelines that look like a slice of 6-layer cake. The year/age timeline goes along the horizontal top of the page, like icing, and rows for different parts of your life—family, friends, learning, work, service, and play—go underneath, like layered cake. You fill out what you want to happen in each of those areas of your life, over time. In MY LIFE MAP, we offer maps that cover the next ten years and a map that covers your whole life, looking back at your past and looking ahead all the way into old age.
3. How did you both discover the benefits of mapping your life?
David: The process we lay out in MY LIFE MAP is the combination of a charting technique I learned as a teenager, and inquiry exercises Kate and I developed together. My father was a Methodist minister and educator. He used a charting technique to teach urban and rural development courses and to study social action books. As a young adult, I started adapting the charts to plot out my plans for the future. They helped me visualize big-picture life goals and work towards them. I’ve saved them all, and regularly look back at them to see what I was thinking over the years. It’s amazing how much of what I planned in my early years has come true.
Kate: A few years ago, when I was facing an empty nest after many years focused on raising our kids, I was looking for tools to help me figure out, “What’s next?” I tend to use visualization and intuitive approaches to decision-making, but this time wanted a more concrete plan. David’s life charts alone were not enough to get my juices flowing, so we worked together to combine our approaches: journaling and visualization exercises first, then maps to sketch out the vision. The life maps helped me portray the insights the exercises inspired, in an efficient and tangible way. The process flowed naturally.
4. How has life mapping impacted your life? Do you feel it has changed the way you think, live and do things, in a positive way?
David: When I was young, I knew I wanted to make a contribution to the world, but I didn’t know how. I saw big potential for global changes through the microcomputer revolution in the late 1970s, so started selling Apple II computers during college. I worked in the high-tech field for many years, but over time began feeling that the tech revolution was no longer the right way for me to make a contribution. I wanted something more fulfilling, so I re-did my map. Mapping out a new plan helped me make a midlife career shift to book publishing, both co-writing journals that foster family communication with my wife, and working at a small publishing company whose mission is to “create a world that world for all.” Between the books I write with Kate and my publishing job, I’ve finally arrived at the place I envisioned for myself so long ago. Mapping my life as a young adult and updating it frequently, helped me arrive at my vocational bliss.
Kate: Life mapping has helped David and me develop a common vision for our retirement years. We each did our own maps, then talked about them to coordinate our ideas on when to retire, where to live, and what kind of grandparents we want to be. The fun part was sharing ideas for adventures that excite us, such as overseas teaching stints. Plotting ideas for the coming years gives me things to work towards and to look forward to. We’ve got a ways to go before retiring, but when we come to forks in the road, we can ask, “Which way takes us towards our vision?”
5. Do you believe a person can really map out their life? What about people who have set goals, but failed to reach them, or have bad or unfortunate things thrust in their path that they didn't expect?
Kate: You’re not mapping out what absolutely must happen in your life. We can’t know that. What you are doing is clarifying your values and what you want to work towards in the coming years. You absolutely will not be a failure if what you write for your future does not come true—don’t put that pressure on yourself.
You can pretty much count on life throwing you some curve balls—you lose your job, your perfect husband has an affair, or your child gets sick. Life can surprise you with some unexpectedly good things, too—you meet a wonderful man, your third time through rehab works, or a stray dog wanders into your heart. That’s why life mapping is not a one-time thing. You regularly revisit, revise and adjust them. I use the month of January to revisit my maps every year. Companies re-do their Strategic Plans on a regular basis to adjust to new realities. So should people.
6. What words of encouragement do you have for those who once had many goals, but who have given up on them because nothing worked out as planned?
Kate: Some people stop setting goals because they’re afraid of being disappointed. Forgive yourself for an imperfect life. Last year, I lost three pounds instead of ten. Was that a failure? Should I never try again? No, I lost three pounds that I wouldn’t have lost if I hadn’t set any goal. My work goals took a serious hit when I took years off to raise kids. Am I a failure? No, sometimes big goals aren’t reached because they conflict with other goals or values we hold. I discovered that choosing family goals over work goals brought me greater happiness. Rather than say you are a failure for not accomplishing grand goals set in the past, ask yourself what you really need to feel that you have had a successful life. Work towards that.
David: Some ambitious goals may need adjusting, but that doesn’t mean that you should stop reaching for happiness. One of my favorite maxims is “the past is approved and the future is open.” Start with a clean slate. Don’t become a victim of the past, no matter what the set-backs have been. I never planned to get fired, but I’m glad I did once; it made me stronger and wiser in future jobs. I doubt anyone expects to be divorced three times or lose a fortune in the stock market, but setbacks happen. A life map helps you articulate what happiness and purpose mean for you, and to keep focused on that even when you go down unintended paths. If one road doesn’t work, keep trying others. By focusing on the future, it’s easier to return to the present with more mental and physical energy to tackle the challenges of the day. Don’t stop believing in yourself; be persistent and resilient in pursuing your dreams.
7. What advice do you have for those who feel they can't really get certain things in life because time has passed them by?
Kate: How badly do you want it? What’s stopping you? Yes, time has passed, but see the open years you do have left on your map? David’s 82-year-old mother is working on her ten-year map now. As George Eliot said, “It is never too late to be who you might have been.” There are people who accomplish amazing “firsts” later in life: Clint Eastwood directed his first film at 41; Ray Kroc started McDonald’s in his 50’s; Laura Ingalls Wilder published her first novel in her 60’s; Grandma Moses started painting in her 70’s; and 99 year-old Leo Plass graduated from Eastern Oregon University in 2011.
If there are real obstacles to your original dreams, would aspects of them be possible in the time you have left? Maybe your dream of moving to New York to be a Broadway star is no longer practical, but would it make you happy to act in a regional theater?, make costumes or rehearse lines with a high school troupe?, or develop a YouTube following by making “how to” cooking videos?
8. What challenges can those who map their life sometimes face, and how can those challenges be overcome?
Kate: Life mapping traps to avoid:
1) Perfectionism—thinking your map needs to be perfect, so avoiding the whole thing. Don’t; it doesn’t have to beautiful, or final, or perfect. Jump in with a pencil, not a pen, so you treat it like a draft.
2) Fear of Failure—fearing shame or embarrassment for possibly missing goals. Praise yourself for having the courage try—there’s honor in that, no matter the outcome. Keep your maps private, if you want, but studies show that people who share their goals and have a support system for them are more likely to succeed.
3) Fear of boredom—thinking that planning makes life too predictable. Life will continue to surprise you, whether you want it to or not. Mapping just suggests how to respond to opportunities and surprises that appear. If spontaneity is important to you, say so when you outline your values, and allow yourself wiggle room.
4) Setting it and forgetting it—filling out the book and then shelving it. Life mapping work best when you look at your map frequently. Put a copy on the bathroom mirror or frig. Review it in detail every year, on your birthday or over New Year’s, and revise when needed.
9. Explain the difference between subject maps, ten-year maps and whole-life maps?
David: There are three kinds of maps in My Life Map:
1. Subject Maps: a set of six maps going out ten years, each covering a different aspect of your life (family, friends, learning, work, service, and play). This lets you start with certain themes of your life that you’ve already done some thinking about or that are most important to you. Participants in a book club on www.BlogHer.com revealed that they best liked the subject maps on Learning (many want to learn sign language, knitting, and piano), Service (we expand the term to include service to family, voting, donating money), and Play (many had been neglecting play and vowed to give themselves permission to play again).
2. Ten-Year Map:: one map that summarizes all the subject areas of your life onto one combined map. This one lets you consider the highlights, milestones, and balance you want over the next ten years
3. Whole-Life Map: one “big picture” map covering all subjects, over your whole life span, from birth to death. This one lets you see highlights, patterns and themes in your past, present, and future. It has less detail than the ten year maps, but stretches you to look at the complete gift of your life. Seeing your whole life on one page can be awe inspiring.
9a. I love the questions you present in your book, such as "if you could make one wish for a family member come true, what would it be, and for whom?" and "what imaginary degree would you award yourself for something you will master in the next ten years." How did you formulate these questions for the book, and what can answering them offer readers?
Kate: We love to ask questions. Our motto is: Everyone has a story to tell and someone who wants to hear it. My Life Map is our seventh guided journal, so we have a lot of experience coming up with questions that allow people to express themselves in new and insightful ways. Blank life maps can be intimidating if that’s all you start with, so we took our time thinking about what would help you gently reflect on your past and warm up to imagining the future. The questions not only elicit images of specific people, places, things, but also conjure up feelings, dreams, and senses that make for a richer, deeper, and more imaginative portrait in your maps.
10. What message would you like to send out to those interested in purchasing your book?
David: Life planning is not as scary as you think, especially with a tool like MY LIFE MAP. As we say in the book, “if the idea of long-term planning terrifies you, and it might, take a deep breath. You are not being asked to make irrevocable decisions, or to let go of spontaneity in your life. You will not be a failure if what you write in this book does not come true. This book is simply a dialogue with yourself.”
1. You write in the back of your book, "Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself." How can life maps help a person do this? And, what does it mean to create yourself?
David: “Finding yourself” assumes that you are already set in stone and just have to blow off the dust to reveal who you are. Life is not like that. It’s more like a blank canvas (or a partially filled canvas, depending on your age). Your painting depends on the colors, textures, and brush strokes you choose. Whether we consider ourselves “planners” or not, we make decisions every day that affect how our life is organized and what direction we’re moving in. Life maps help us flesh out a vision for our life, and give us something concrete to refer back to when we have decisions to make along the way. It’s not a one-time thing; we can continue to create, redefine, and reinvent ourselves.
2. What is a life map?
Kate: Life maps, as we make them, are timelines that look like a slice of 6-layer cake. The year/age timeline goes along the horizontal top of the page, like icing, and rows for different parts of your life—family, friends, learning, work, service, and play—go underneath, like layered cake. You fill out what you want to happen in each of those areas of your life, over time. In MY LIFE MAP, we offer maps that cover the next ten years and a map that covers your whole life, looking back at your past and looking ahead all the way into old age.
3. How did you both discover the benefits of mapping your life?
David: The process we lay out in MY LIFE MAP is the combination of a charting technique I learned as a teenager, and inquiry exercises Kate and I developed together. My father was a Methodist minister and educator. He used a charting technique to teach urban and rural development courses and to study social action books. As a young adult, I started adapting the charts to plot out my plans for the future. They helped me visualize big-picture life goals and work towards them. I’ve saved them all, and regularly look back at them to see what I was thinking over the years. It’s amazing how much of what I planned in my early years has come true.
Kate: A few years ago, when I was facing an empty nest after many years focused on raising our kids, I was looking for tools to help me figure out, “What’s next?” I tend to use visualization and intuitive approaches to decision-making, but this time wanted a more concrete plan. David’s life charts alone were not enough to get my juices flowing, so we worked together to combine our approaches: journaling and visualization exercises first, then maps to sketch out the vision. The life maps helped me portray the insights the exercises inspired, in an efficient and tangible way. The process flowed naturally.
4. How has life mapping impacted your life? Do you feel it has changed the way you think, live and do things, in a positive way?
David: When I was young, I knew I wanted to make a contribution to the world, but I didn’t know how. I saw big potential for global changes through the microcomputer revolution in the late 1970s, so started selling Apple II computers during college. I worked in the high-tech field for many years, but over time began feeling that the tech revolution was no longer the right way for me to make a contribution. I wanted something more fulfilling, so I re-did my map. Mapping out a new plan helped me make a midlife career shift to book publishing, both co-writing journals that foster family communication with my wife, and working at a small publishing company whose mission is to “create a world that world for all.” Between the books I write with Kate and my publishing job, I’ve finally arrived at the place I envisioned for myself so long ago. Mapping my life as a young adult and updating it frequently, helped me arrive at my vocational bliss.
Kate: Life mapping has helped David and me develop a common vision for our retirement years. We each did our own maps, then talked about them to coordinate our ideas on when to retire, where to live, and what kind of grandparents we want to be. The fun part was sharing ideas for adventures that excite us, such as overseas teaching stints. Plotting ideas for the coming years gives me things to work towards and to look forward to. We’ve got a ways to go before retiring, but when we come to forks in the road, we can ask, “Which way takes us towards our vision?”
5. Do you believe a person can really map out their life? What about people who have set goals, but failed to reach them, or have bad or unfortunate things thrust in their path that they didn't expect?
Kate: You’re not mapping out what absolutely must happen in your life. We can’t know that. What you are doing is clarifying your values and what you want to work towards in the coming years. You absolutely will not be a failure if what you write for your future does not come true—don’t put that pressure on yourself.
You can pretty much count on life throwing you some curve balls—you lose your job, your perfect husband has an affair, or your child gets sick. Life can surprise you with some unexpectedly good things, too—you meet a wonderful man, your third time through rehab works, or a stray dog wanders into your heart. That’s why life mapping is not a one-time thing. You regularly revisit, revise and adjust them. I use the month of January to revisit my maps every year. Companies re-do their Strategic Plans on a regular basis to adjust to new realities. So should people.
6. What words of encouragement do you have for those who once had many goals, but who have given up on them because nothing worked out as planned?
Kate: Some people stop setting goals because they’re afraid of being disappointed. Forgive yourself for an imperfect life. Last year, I lost three pounds instead of ten. Was that a failure? Should I never try again? No, I lost three pounds that I wouldn’t have lost if I hadn’t set any goal. My work goals took a serious hit when I took years off to raise kids. Am I a failure? No, sometimes big goals aren’t reached because they conflict with other goals or values we hold. I discovered that choosing family goals over work goals brought me greater happiness. Rather than say you are a failure for not accomplishing grand goals set in the past, ask yourself what you really need to feel that you have had a successful life. Work towards that.
David: Some ambitious goals may need adjusting, but that doesn’t mean that you should stop reaching for happiness. One of my favorite maxims is “the past is approved and the future is open.” Start with a clean slate. Don’t become a victim of the past, no matter what the set-backs have been. I never planned to get fired, but I’m glad I did once; it made me stronger and wiser in future jobs. I doubt anyone expects to be divorced three times or lose a fortune in the stock market, but setbacks happen. A life map helps you articulate what happiness and purpose mean for you, and to keep focused on that even when you go down unintended paths. If one road doesn’t work, keep trying others. By focusing on the future, it’s easier to return to the present with more mental and physical energy to tackle the challenges of the day. Don’t stop believing in yourself; be persistent and resilient in pursuing your dreams.
7. What advice do you have for those who feel they can't really get certain things in life because time has passed them by?
Kate: How badly do you want it? What’s stopping you? Yes, time has passed, but see the open years you do have left on your map? David’s 82-year-old mother is working on her ten-year map now. As George Eliot said, “It is never too late to be who you might have been.” There are people who accomplish amazing “firsts” later in life: Clint Eastwood directed his first film at 41; Ray Kroc started McDonald’s in his 50’s; Laura Ingalls Wilder published her first novel in her 60’s; Grandma Moses started painting in her 70’s; and 99 year-old Leo Plass graduated from Eastern Oregon University in 2011.
If there are real obstacles to your original dreams, would aspects of them be possible in the time you have left? Maybe your dream of moving to New York to be a Broadway star is no longer practical, but would it make you happy to act in a regional theater?, make costumes or rehearse lines with a high school troupe?, or develop a YouTube following by making “how to” cooking videos?
8. What challenges can those who map their life sometimes face, and how can those challenges be overcome?
Kate: Life mapping traps to avoid:
1) Perfectionism—thinking your map needs to be perfect, so avoiding the whole thing. Don’t; it doesn’t have to beautiful, or final, or perfect. Jump in with a pencil, not a pen, so you treat it like a draft.
2) Fear of Failure—fearing shame or embarrassment for possibly missing goals. Praise yourself for having the courage try—there’s honor in that, no matter the outcome. Keep your maps private, if you want, but studies show that people who share their goals and have a support system for them are more likely to succeed.
3) Fear of boredom—thinking that planning makes life too predictable. Life will continue to surprise you, whether you want it to or not. Mapping just suggests how to respond to opportunities and surprises that appear. If spontaneity is important to you, say so when you outline your values, and allow yourself wiggle room.
4) Setting it and forgetting it—filling out the book and then shelving it. Life mapping work best when you look at your map frequently. Put a copy on the bathroom mirror or frig. Review it in detail every year, on your birthday or over New Year’s, and revise when needed.
9. Explain the difference between subject maps, ten-year maps and whole-life maps?
David: There are three kinds of maps in My Life Map:
1. Subject Maps: a set of six maps going out ten years, each covering a different aspect of your life (family, friends, learning, work, service, and play). This lets you start with certain themes of your life that you’ve already done some thinking about or that are most important to you. Participants in a book club on www.BlogHer.com revealed that they best liked the subject maps on Learning (many want to learn sign language, knitting, and piano), Service (we expand the term to include service to family, voting, donating money), and Play (many had been neglecting play and vowed to give themselves permission to play again).
2. Ten-Year Map:: one map that summarizes all the subject areas of your life onto one combined map. This one lets you consider the highlights, milestones, and balance you want over the next ten years
3. Whole-Life Map: one “big picture” map covering all subjects, over your whole life span, from birth to death. This one lets you see highlights, patterns and themes in your past, present, and future. It has less detail than the ten year maps, but stretches you to look at the complete gift of your life. Seeing your whole life on one page can be awe inspiring.
9a. I love the questions you present in your book, such as "if you could make one wish for a family member come true, what would it be, and for whom?" and "what imaginary degree would you award yourself for something you will master in the next ten years." How did you formulate these questions for the book, and what can answering them offer readers?
Kate: We love to ask questions. Our motto is: Everyone has a story to tell and someone who wants to hear it. My Life Map is our seventh guided journal, so we have a lot of experience coming up with questions that allow people to express themselves in new and insightful ways. Blank life maps can be intimidating if that’s all you start with, so we took our time thinking about what would help you gently reflect on your past and warm up to imagining the future. The questions not only elicit images of specific people, places, things, but also conjure up feelings, dreams, and senses that make for a richer, deeper, and more imaginative portrait in your maps.
10. What message would you like to send out to those interested in purchasing your book?
David: Life planning is not as scary as you think, especially with a tool like MY LIFE MAP. As we say in the book, “if the idea of long-term planning terrifies you, and it might, take a deep breath. You are not being asked to make irrevocable decisions, or to let go of spontaneity in your life. You will not be a failure if what you write in this book does not come true. This book is simply a dialogue with yourself.”
October 16, 2012
Letter from a Military Wife
David and I have heard from a number of military couples who have used our couples journal, What I Love About You, as a way to stay connected during training and deployments. It gratifies us to think that this little journal is giving some comfort to military families serving our country. Last week we got a sweet letter from a new bride about to give What I Love About You to her new husband, as he departs for training. She included two photos or her and her new busband beaming at each other on their wedding day. With her permission, I’m posting parts of her letter here:
“Kate and David,
I really wanted to thank you so much for creating this book. Me and my husband just got married 9/11/12. He is currently a U.S. Marine. He is training to be on the front lines – an infantry man. I send a lot of letters to him during his 3 months of boot camp since they aren’t allowed to make any phone calls, but maybe 1 or 2 to talk about travel arrangements or to let you know that they made it to boot camp. I’m always trying to find a new way to tell him “I love you” or to show him. He’s such an amazing guy! I got really sick and he stuck by my side. So we have both been through a lot. I was at B&N and saw this book and just HAD to buy it. Now I’m filling it out. It was a great idea to have a place to put pictures.
Your book is more than a book to me and to my husband. There are times where I can’t talk to him, times where he won’t be able to contact me. He will probably take it with him on a deployment, and re-read it every day. Your book is so helpful – a life saver. And it’s a way for J to always carry me with him. So when he’s sad, or down, or having a bad day on a 7-month deployment, he can open it up and know I’m always with him. That’s what this book means to me…
I hope that everyone gets the happiness with this book that I got.
Love, S”
“Kate and David,
I really wanted to thank you so much for creating this book. Me and my husband just got married 9/11/12. He is currently a U.S. Marine. He is training to be on the front lines – an infantry man. I send a lot of letters to him during his 3 months of boot camp since they aren’t allowed to make any phone calls, but maybe 1 or 2 to talk about travel arrangements or to let you know that they made it to boot camp. I’m always trying to find a new way to tell him “I love you” or to show him. He’s such an amazing guy! I got really sick and he stuck by my side. So we have both been through a lot. I was at B&N and saw this book and just HAD to buy it. Now I’m filling it out. It was a great idea to have a place to put pictures.
Your book is more than a book to me and to my husband. There are times where I can’t talk to him, times where he won’t be able to contact me. He will probably take it with him on a deployment, and re-read it every day. Your book is so helpful – a life saver. And it’s a way for J to always carry me with him. So when he’s sad, or down, or having a bad day on a 7-month deployment, he can open it up and know I’m always with him. That’s what this book means to me…
I hope that everyone gets the happiness with this book that I got.
Love, S”
