Christian Lander's Blog
February 3, 2011
Adorn your wall with this really cool poster.
Since Whiter Shades of Pale came out back in November, a lot of people have voiced how much they love the book's scarily accurate line drawings, which call out the prototypical white denizens of cities from Austin to Atlanta and Seattle to Santa Fe. Now comes your chance to own them in poster form (18 x 24). Regrettably not all of the drawings could be featured here, but it's still quite possibly one of the coolest lineups of whiteness ever assembled.
Click here for details and to enter for a chance to win!
In order from left to right: Chicago (first two), Atlanta, Austin, San Francisco, Brooklyn, Santa Fe, Toronto, Boston, Seattle, and New York.
December 15, 2010
Six Gifts to Guarantee a White Christmas
Stumped about what to give that special white person in your life this holiday? Look no further.
1. Product made by someone named Tom. Nobody seems to make a better product than a man named Tom. The first popular white Tom is the man behind Tom's of Maine. The other famous Tom for white people is the one who created TOMS Shoes. Every time you buy a pair of these canvas shoes they donate a pair to a child in need in the third world. Of course, instead of buying a pair of shoes, a white person could just donate the money they were going to use on shoes to the TOMS charity and let two people in the third world get new shoes. But that's not a realistic possibility, not with summer right around the corner.
2. Single-malt scotch. With beer snobbery mastered and wine snobbery all but abandoned, white people have been forced to find a new alcohol. It's got European heritage, it's expensive, college-age white people avoid it, and perhaps most importantly, crotchety old white men love it.
3. Gift card to Anthropologie. You might have walked past it a few times at your local mall and wondered how they crammed the interior of a late-nineteenth century barn into a shopping center that was built in 2005. It is the store equivalent of a Wes Anderson film, which certainly helps to explain its appeal, but it is also the most efficient way for white women to look and (hopefully) live like Amélie.
4. World music. If it's played loud enough at work or at a dinner party, people are almost guaranteed to say, "Who is this?" To which the white person can say, "You know, when I was in Bolivia, I really got into this flute music. I got this CD from a group of musicians on the streets of La Paz."
5. DVD of Christopher Guest film. Rather than try to add to the comedy of these movies, your best bet around white people is to simply profess your love for all that Christopher Guest has done. If you want to take it to the next level, you should casually say, "I heard Christopher Guest is going to be directing an indie version of Spinal Tap; it's set in Portland." You might want to keep a brown paper bag nearby for the inevitable hyperventilation that will follow this announcement.
6. A copy of Whiter Shades of Pale. Have you seen the line drawings inside and the trailer? Enough said.
Amazon
November 22, 2010
Whiter Shades of Pale: The Book Trailer
Whiter Shades of Pale is out tomorrow! How could we resist celebrating with a round of White Person Travel Bingo?
Play your own round of White Bingo:
View this document on Scribd
Buy the book:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Borders.com
IndieBound
November 15, 2010
Mark your calendars, America.
Christian will launch his Whiter Shades of Pale book tour next Tuesday (publication day) in Brooklyn, followed by 12 more cities. Don't miss it!
NEW YORK Launch Party: Tuesday, November 23rd
7:00pm, Powerhouse Arena
37 Main Street, Brooklyn, NY 11201
LOS ANGELES: Monday, November 29th
7:00pm, Book Soup
8818 Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood, CA 90069
SAN DIEGO: Wednesday, December 1st
7:30pm, Warwick's
7812 Girard Ave. La Jolla, CA 92037
SAN FRANCISCO: Thursday, December 2nd
7:00pm. Books Inc.
2251 Chestnut St., San Francisco, CA 94123
BERKELEY, CA: Friday, December 3rd
7:30pm, Pegasus Books
2349 Shattuck Ave., Berkeley, CA 94704
PORTLAND, OR: Sunday, December 5th
5:00pm, Powell's Books
1005 W. Brunside, Portland, OR 97210
SEATTLE: Tuesday, December 7th
7:00pm, Elliott Bay Books
1521 10th Ave., Seattle, WA 98122
LOS ANGELES: Thursday, December 9th
8:30pm, Los Angeles Library
Central Library, 630 W. 5th St.
Los Angeles, CA 90071
BOULDER, CO: Wednesday, January 12th
7:30pm, Boulder Bookstore
1107 Pearl St., Boulder, CO 80302
DENVER: Thursday, January 13th
7:30pm, Tattered Cover Book Store
1628 16th St., Denver, CO 80202
AUSTIN: Friday, January 14th
7:00pm, BookPeople
603 N. Lamar Blvd., Austin, TX 78703
MADISON, WI: Tuesday, January 18th
7:00pm, Borders
3750 University Ave., Madison, WI
MINNEAPOLIS: Wednesday, January 19th
7:00pm, Magers & Quinn
3038 Hennepin Ave. S, Minneapolis, MN 55408
CHICAGO: Thursday, January 20th
7:00pm, Book Cellar
4736-38 North Lincoln Ave., Chicago, IL 60625
November 11, 2010
#136: My So-Called Life
Though very specific to white people who were going through an awkward phase in 1995 (basically anyone between eleven and forty), My So-Called Life’s resonance cannot be overstated. Simply say the words Jordan Catalano. Say them to any white woman, gay white male, or superconfident-in-his-sexuality, irony-loving straight white male, and watch them swoon. You seriously do not even need an explanation about the show. Actually, if someone asks your name, you should say it’s Jordan Catalano and that you’ve never heard of the show. You will be the hit of the party, provided you let everyone in on the joke by the middle of the evening. Otherwise you will probably be known as a self-centered, dyslexic jerk.
The show itself was seen as revolutionary for its frank and honest dealings with same- sex relationships, drug and alcohol use among teenagers, and domestic abuse. However, the part of the show that truly bonds white people together is not their common experience of exploring these issues. No, it’s the collective sense of regret for mid-nineties fashion.
“Do you remember the episode where Rayanne had the drug overdose?”
“Sort of. Do you remember that choker necklace she wore?
What were we thinking?”
“I’ve actually had a drug prob—”
“And the scrunchies? Are you kidding me?”
So rather than attempting to use the social aspect of the show to forge a deep connection with white people, you should simply revert to the number-one rule when dealing with white people: throw a themed party.
As a male, if you arrive with a white T-shirt, ripped jeans, and a plaid shirt tied around your waist you should be guaranteed, at the very least, a make-out session. As a female, show up with a plaid skirt, combat boots, and your hair parted down the middle. Though this outfit would normally get you branded as a lesbian, tonight it will have quite the opposite effect.
Note: You may notice that all the music from this era is very depressing. Do not worry about it having a negative effect on your party. White people have an amazing ability to get drunk and then all happily sing, in unison, a song about suicide.
Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast from Seattle’s Sweaters to Maine’s Microbrews, coming 11/23!
From Whiter Shades of Pale (#63): My So-Called Life
Though very specific to white people who were going through an awkward phase in 1995 (basically anyone between eleven and forty), My So-Called Life's resonance cannot be overstated. Simply say the words Jordan Catalano. Say them to any white woman, gay white male, or superconfident-in-his-sexuality, irony-loving straight white male, and watch them swoon. You seriously do not even need an explanation about the show. Actually, if someone asks your name, you should say it's Jordan Catalano and that you've never heard of the show. You will be the hit of the party, provided you let everyone in on the joke by the middle of the evening. Otherwise you will probably be known as a self-centered, dyslexic jerk.
The show itself was seen as revolutionary for its frank and honest dealings with same- sex relationships, drug and alcohol use among teenagers, and domestic abuse. However, the part of the show that truly bonds white people together is not their common experience of exploring these issues. No, it's the collective sense of regret for mid-nineties fashion.
"Do you remember the episode where Rayanne had the drug overdose?"
"Sort of. Do you remember that choker necklace she wore?
What were we thinking?"
"I've actually had a drug prob—"
"And the scrunchies? Are you kidding me?"
So rather than attempting to use the social aspect of the show to forge a deep connection with white people, you should simply revert to the number-one rule when dealing with white people: throw a themed party.
As a male, if you arrive with a white T-shirt, ripped jeans, and a plaid shirt tied around your waist you should be guaranteed, at the very least, a make-out session. As a female, show up with a plaid skirt, combat boots, and your hair parted down the middle. Though this outfit would normally get you branded as a lesbian, tonight it will have quite the opposite effect.
Note: You may notice that all the music from this era is very depressing. Do not worry about it having a negative effect on your party. White people have an amazing ability to get drunk and then all happily sing, in unison, a song about suicide.
Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews, coming 11/23!
November 1, 2010
A first look inside Whiter Shades of Pale
For your viewing pleasure, click here to check out an excerpt of the soon-to-be hot off the press sequel to Stuff White People Like.
October 18, 2010
#135: Roller Derby
If you meet a white girl with black hair, tattoos, and a passion for horror films, there is a 100 percent chance that she plays in some sort of Roller Derby league. The sport reached its height of popularity in the seventies, thus all but guaranteeing that white people would eventually resurrect it in a fit of nostalgia and irony. But the sport draws in white people for many other reasons, including funny costumes and the opportunity for women to compete under clever pseudonyms like Arianna Puffington and Sarah Nailin’.
Once a league forms, schedules are made, websites are put up, venues are booked, and tickets are sold. In all, it’s a testament to the incredible work ethic that white people have when it comes to a whimsical activity.
Should you choose to attend an event, you will be shocked at the sheer volume of mustaches and black rock-and-roll T-shirts, and the complete lack of anyone with a full-time job. When the activities start, the women will start skating around in a circle. There are rules and points and strategies, but at most Roller Derby matches the only people who seem to be aware of them are the people playing.
If you know someone who plays on a Roller Derby team, you should treat them like a white person who does improv. Encourage them in their efforts, but make it clear that you will not pay money to watch their hobby.
Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast from Seattle’s Sweaters to Maine’s Microbrews, coming 11/23 and now available for pre-order!
Whiter Shades of Pale #44: Roller Derby
If you meet a white girl with black hair, tattoos, and a passion for horror films, there is a 100 percent chance that she plays in some sort of Roller Derby league. The sport reached its height of popularity in the seventies, thus all but guaranteeing that white people would eventually resurrect it in a fit of nostalgia and irony. But the sport draws in white people for many other reasons, including funny costumes and the opportunity for women to compete under clever pseudonyms like Arianna Puffington and Sarah Nailin'.
Once a league forms, schedules are made, websites are put up, venues are booked, and tickets are sold. In all, it's a testament to the incredible work ethic that white people have when it comes to a whimsical activity.
Should you choose to attend an event, you will be shocked at the sheer volume of mustaches and black rock-and-roll T-shirts, and the complete lack of anyone with a full-time job. When the activities start, the women will start skating around in a circle. There are rules and points and strategies, but at most Roller Derby matches the only people who seem to be aware of them are the people playing.
If you know someone who plays on a Roller Derby team, you should treat them like a white person who does improv. Encourage them in their efforts, but make it clear that you will not pay money to watch their hobby.
Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews, coming 11/23 and now available for pre-order!
September 20, 2010
Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews available November 23, 2010
The follow up to 2008′s Stuff White People Like: A complete guide to the unique tastes of millions will be released November 23rd, 2010! It contains 70% all- new content as well as a regional guide to white people across America including such cities as Austin, TX, Madison, WI, Boulder, CO, and all of your other favorite white cities in which you cannot afford to own property.
Pre-Order
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