Tricia Alach's Blog

If you’re like me, the last couple of weeks you’ve been reading and thinking (and possibly writing) a lot about getting mentally prepared for the New Year. Drafting up lists of resolutions, cutting and pasting images for your vision board or trying to find your word for the year.

For many, this time of year is energising and liberating, a chance to envisage, and get excited about, the life you want to experience in the coming year. But for others, all this ‘New Year, New You’ stuff can be a huge source of anxiety and stress as they diligently try to follow the principles or frameworks provided, only to find that they fall at the first hurdle – with the realisation that they have no idea of what they really, really want.

Resolution making, vision boarding and all the other intention setting frameworks are based on the assumption that you already have a clear idea of what you want to change, achieve or experience. But what if you don’t? What if you have no clue as to the life you really want to lead?

Authenticity, relatedness, competence – the keys to a fulfilling life?

When you break it down, what do we really need to experience to be fulfilled? My take on this is that we need the confidence to be ourselves, to connect emotionally to other people and, to feel like we are competent human beings.

I’m borrowing here from self-determination theory which was originally developed as a universal theory of motivation. But, as with many of these ideas, it has been picked up and applied to organisational life. In particular, the principles of good job design are often linked to the assertion that, in order to motivate people to do stuff (i.e. be productive), you must provide employees with jobs that deliver the opportunity to experience autonomy, relatedness and competence.

I prefer authenticity to autonomy and, I like to view this framework through a different lens. Rather than as a way to motivate other people, I like it as a way to consider the elements that make up a fulfilling life. So, with all the appropriate disclaimers and apologies to those who would prefer I applied it in its purist form, let me explain what I mean.

In order to be yourself, you have to first know yourself

At first glance, being authentic seems like a no brainer. What could be easier than simply being yourself? I mean really, who else could you actually be? But, as many of us know from experience, being yourself without knowing yourself is an almost impossible task.

So what does it mean to be yourself? To me, there are two key components – what you think or believe and, how you behave. In the world of pure authenticity these two elements would always be in synch but this where things can get a bit tricky.

What we think or believe about something is often fluid. Opinions can be hastily formed and changed by experience, contradictory evidence or a persuasive argument that completely transforms your world view.

And this can be a very good thing. Open mindedness, one of the cornerstones of both tolerance and creativity, is dependent on the ability to look at the same things through different eyes and the willingness to change what you think.

But, as the saying goes ‘if you stand for nothing, you fall for everything’. Being too willing to change your opinion to whatever the last person you spoke to believes, can lead to a situation in which you really have no idea of what YOU truly think or believe.

This can create all sorts of issues in trying to live your best life. How do you prioritise if you don’t really know what’s important to you? How do you decide where to put your energy and resources if you can’t distinguish between the worthiness of one activity over another? And how do you decide which relationships to invest in if you can’t actually recognise the kindred spirits you come across in your daily life?

Your vibe attracts your tribe

Relationships matter. I’ll go so far as to say that, for most of us, they matter most of all. But having a relationship is not the same as just having people to hang out, or do stuff, with. Real relationships, those that provide the opportunity to truly relate to someone else, involve a connection on a deeper level and, as a consequence can include people with whom you may not share any other interests, but do share values and beliefs.

When I think about my eclectic tribe of girlfriends there is very little, on the surface at least, that you could point to and say we have in common. Each one is different to the others and to me. We all have different life stories, do different work, enjoy different hobbies, vote for different political parties and dress in our own unique style.

And yet, the connection is there. I get them and, they get me, in a way that transcends the superficiality of whatever life situation we might find ourselves in at any particular time.  Which is not to say that the situational friendships I’ve developed over the years have no value, they certainly do, but they are just not the same.

Now, again you might be thinking, well duh, of course relationships matter! But here’s the thing, in order for someone else to truly get you and be able to connect in that deep, authentic way, you actually have to be YOU. You have to be real in order for the relationship to be real. And, as we’ve already discussed, in order for you to truly be yourself, you have to know the real you.

I feel good about myself when I…?

Fill in the blank. When do you feel a sense of accomplishment? Achievement? Intrinsic reward? Feeling that we are competent human beings is also one of the core components to feeling fulfilled in life. But, as you’ve probably already guessed by now, this is not always as simple as it seems.

A lot of us are good at things that matter a lot to us but don’t matter at all to other people. For example, I am enormously proud of my dishwasher loading competency and feel a great sense of accomplishment when I shut the door knowing I couldn’t fit a single extra item in. But I am alone in this. My husband couldn’t care less and when I tell others of this hidden talent, I get some very bemused looks.

Does this mean I should discount or devalue the joy I get from this simple act? Of course not. Your sense of competence – that belief you are somehow ‘winning at life’ – is deeply connected to your your authenticity in relating to your world. So whatever it is that matters to you, matters, regardless of what others might think.

It also means that we shouldn’t feel obliged to take on other people’s beliefs in terms of what counts as important or valuable in terms of how we spend our time, energy and resources.

You may find that if you have a particular talent for something, a lot of people will try to convince you that this is what you should do with your life. But if applying that talent doesn’t feel like an authentic expression of yourself, you may find yourself grappling with an internal conflict that can be difficult to resolve, especially if you don’t really know who you are and, by extension, what you really want.

Shouldn’t that be PARC life?

In recent times Purpose or Passion have taken centre stage in discussions on how we should spend our lives. Sometimes used interchangeably, I’m increasingly seeing them as quite different, often unrelated, and sometimes complementary, things.

To me, purpose is that thing that gets you out of bed in the morning. It has a sense of drive and determination about it which sees you through whatever obstacles or challenges come up along the way. Purpose is often externally focused – what you see as your contribution to making the world a better place – which can manifest in a myriad of ways.

Passion, on the other hand, speaks more to the experience of pure delight. My passion at the moment is interior decorating. Nothing makes me happier than finding yet another fluffy item to add to my increasingly hygge home but, I’m pretty sure that’s not my purpose in life

If you read last week’s blog on whether or not to set resolutions but are still undecided. Or, you’re still struggling to identify exactly which problem you are trying to fix, I offer some alternative ways to focus your intentions, channel your energy or otherwise manifest the life you want to create in the new year.

Write a manifesto

I first came across this idea when I attended a talk by Gretchen Rubin, author of the Happiness Project. The basic idea is that you create and write down your own personal manifesto to guide the way you live your life or, approach a particular situation.

It was the idea to create a manifesto for a specific situation that most appealed to me and so, over the course of the next few weeks, I created my own manifesto to serve as a kind of decision making framework/modus operandi for the first two years I am back in NZ.

The process I went through took some time. I didn’t write a list from start to finish in one sitting, rather as an idea came to me, I’d jot it down for further review. Finally after about a month, I felt that I had let my subconscious bubble away for long enough and sat down to reflect on my notes.

Out of this came my Homecoming Manifesto – a mix of values I want to live, priorities I want to promote and behaviours I want to enact as I traverse the process of repatriation. The intention here is to give myself a framework for making decisions and taking actions while I still have the ability to view things through the big picture lenses of time and distance.

Of course, I have no expectation that having the manifesto will insulate me from the inevitable highs and lows that come from returning to one’s native place. But I do hope that it provides me with a reminder of why I decided to come back and the life I want to lead there, especially in those times when I may feel torn by other’s expectations or overwhelmed by choice.

Create a vision board

There are different theories on why visioning is so effective as a manifesting technique. The more scientifically inclined argue that, by making a public visual commitment to the future we want, we subtly begin to orient all our subconscious effort to making it so.

The more spiritually inclined lean more towards seeing your vision board as a kind of ‘request to the universe’ who can then put her, not inconsiderable energy, into making things happen in an almost magical kind of way.

And then, there are those of us who think it might be a bit of both

That is the question many of us face as we reflect on the year that was and begin to envisage the year to come. Traditionally, New Year’s Resolutions are the method by which we publically commit to starting, or stopping – or both – certain habits and behaviours that we believe will help us create the life we want to live.

But what does it really mean to make a New Year’s resolution and, should we be doing it anyway? I’ve never made one up until now but, since I always like to try something new, I’ve been musing on the pros and cons. This is what I’ve got so far.

What does it really mean to make a resolution?

Being the language loving nerd I am, I had a look at what the word resolution actually means and discovered, in amongst a surprising number of chemistry related definitions, that resolution most commonly relates to the notion of resolve – both as a verb and a noun.

First, the verb. To resolve something, basically means to solve it. So in this sense, making a resolution is all about identifying a solution to a problem in your life. Perhaps, you’ve run yourself ragged this year, saying yes to everyone else, so you resolve that next year you will do less and always put yourself first.

Of course the key to success here is accurately identifying the problem at its root cause – the why behind why you always say yes when every fibre in your being is screaming no!

As a noun, resolution is to do with determination or strength of commitment. If your resolve is strong, you are committed your decision and, determined to stay the course. Phoning and cancelling the commitments you’ve already made is an example of strong resolve – action follows commitment and you create the space to do what you really want.

So, to make a worthwhile resolution, we need to do all three things:

Accurately identify what ‘problem(s)’ we are trying to ‘solve’
Generate an appropriate solution and,
Actually take the concrete actions that are needed to make our solution work

The pros and cons

But even if we can see how resolutions can work in theory, the question remains as to whether we should be making them at this time, or indeed at all.

The pros, as I see it, are all about the process of reflection and prioritisation. To figure out what’s problematic, missing, not quite right in your life, you have to take some time to consciously reflect on your life and the way you are living it which is generally a good thing.

To identify where your own thoughts or behaviour are contributing factors you need both, the self-awareness to see yourself in the third person and, the emotional maturity to observe yourself without criticising, so you can more objectively identify what you want to change.

To come up with solutions you need to be creative, open minded, willing to ask for help and prepared to try new things. And, to be able to commit, both practically and emotionally to making changes, you need to be able to identify your current priorities. Your real ones that you actually spend the most time and effort on – which might be quite different to the ones you think you have – and, where necessary make a change.

So, for example, if you keep telling people that your health is a priority but, what you’re actually doing is existing on take-out, working late every night and never getting enough sleep, then it’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself about:

What the problem really is here? Are you working all the time because you really care so much about your career or is something else going on?
What options could you create to change the situation? If your health is really a priority what do you need to do to make sure you focus on it first? And be creative, good health isn’t just about eating well and exercising. A good social life is key to wellbeing so maybe start with arranging to meet friends after work at least once a week and go from there.
What is really important to YOU and, if necessary adjusting your priority list accordingly. If it turns out that your job really is more important to you than your health at this point in time, there is nothing to be gained by pretending otherwise.

Because, if you don’t that impressive list of resolutions you come up with can quickly become just another stick with which to beat yourself when you inevitably fail to put a single action into play… because you didn’t really want to. And that is a true con, in all senses of the word.

Timing is everything

Even if you never make a single resolution, the process of honestly reflecting on your life, identifying your true priorities and, making a conscious decision about whether or not you want anything to change is a valuable one.

But, that doesn’t mean you have to make your resolutions on New Year’s Day. Sometimes this process can take a lot longer than a couple of days and, to cut that short simply so you can adhere to some arbitrary deadline, is just plain silly especially when you consider that January 1st is just one of the many New Year’s Days celebrated around the world throughout the year.

But most importantly, don’t get so caught up in reflecting on the past or pondering the future that you disengage from the present. Focus first on having a fabulous festive season! Celebrate your successes, count your blessings and connect with those who most matter to you.

Anything beyond that is a bonus

As we gear up for our next move, my thoughts turn, not to my next career step (no idea

I recently read two very interesting books about happiness. Each written by a British journalist, transplanted to another country, both books chronicled the experiences of the author attempting to understand their host nation’s relationship with happiness.

In ‘The Year of Living Danishly’ Helen Russell deep dives into the aspects of culture, personal characteristics and community values that make up the Danish experience of life. An experience that has seen the Danes repeatedly crowned ‘World’s Happiest People’ by the UN.

On the other side of the pond, Ruth Whipman in ‘America the Anxious’ sets off to understand why America, despite all the time, energy and money spent on the pursuit of happiness, ranks consistently low on world happiness rankings and, in the process of pursuit, seems to be turning itself into a nation of nervous wrecks.

I’m not going to recount their findings here but I do recommend both books to anyone looking for deeper insight into the elements – societal, communal and individual – that contribute to material, physical and emotional wellbeing and, how wellbeing then contributes to happiness, and vice versa.

What I am going to focus in on is an aspect of the happiness rhetoric that I think is often overlooked with some fairly significant implications – that happy is actually a feeling and not a state of being.

Free the feelings and the rest will follow

Shifting to thinking about happy as a feeling rather than a state of being can be very liberating because it immediately lifts the burden of pursuit – the pressure that comes from trying to create or achieve a permanently happy life.

For many, it can also free them from the continual sense of personal failure, or belief that they alone are doing something wrong, if they can’t be happy all the time. As Whippman points out, much of the ‘happiness industry’ in the US is promoting the same message – that absolute happiness is both desirable and possible – if you just try hard enough!

Interestingly, those countries that consistently rank highly on happiness rankings don’t shy away from experiencing, or expressing, other emotions. This is because when people don’t fear their feelings or, label some as good and some as bad, they’ll openly tell you when they’re feeling a bit sad, pissed off or generally out of sorts.

And they can do this without worrying that they’ll be judged a ‘debbie downer’ or criticized for focusing too much on negative thoughts. They’re not reporting that they are sad, mad or bad, just that they feel that way at that particular time.

If you want to feel happier, focus on the moments

But, even if you don’t ascribe to the idea that happiness should be a life goal, there may be times where you would just like to feel happier in your life. Approaching happy as a feeling and understanding how you can manipulate your feelings, to some extent, may help.

Feelings are fleeting, contradictory and can co-exist

Most of us will experience a range of emotions over the course of a day or, in relation to a particular situation. When we become aware of just how fleeting each of those feeling is, they all lose much of their ability to overwhelm.

Letting go of the idea that you should feel a particular way all the time is also a way to let yourself feel the full emotional range. Rather than judging yourself for having a ‘wrong feeling’ try simply observing and accepting how you feel on any given day.

For many, this simple acknowledgement that their feelings can and do change a lot throughout the day can be enough to release them from the pressure to try and feel happy all the time. Now waking up in a shitty mood is just that, a case of the grumps that will probably shift by lunchtime and not something to fixate on or, try to fix, in any conscious way.

It’s also common to have mixed feelings about a situation. You may be happy for a friend who has met the love of her life but sad that they are moving abroad to be with them. You might be simultaneously overjoyed and terrified about becoming a parent or being asked to take on more responsibility at work. You may have very mixed feelings about your nearest and dearest – you love them to bits but they frustrate you like no-one else can!

Feelings can be manipulated

If you start to see happy as a feeling you can also begin to employ a number of techniques to increase the percentage of happy moments you experience in a day – if that’s what you want to do.

It is important to note, that applying these techniques won’t make you ‘happy’ in absolute or permanent terms but, they can be very effective in changing your mood for a short space of time. The impermanence of the relief in no way detracts from its value to the individual. Nor should these techniques shouldn’t be dismissed as ineffective simply because the effect doesn’t last.

Of course, there hundreds of techniques and strategies that can give you a temporary lift in an otherwise dismal day but I’m just going to briefly outline a few categories of approaches that may be of use.

Being in the moment

Although regularly criticised for offering an overly simplistic panacea to cure all of society’s ill, I do believe that there is a place for applying mindfulness as a strategy if you want to experience a greater number of happy moments in the day. In particular the ‘be here now’ element of mindfulness is a good place to start.

A lot of our less pleasant feelings come from ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Being in the moment brings us right into the room we are in and the activity we are engaged in at that time. For sure, mindfully savouring your first cup of coffee won’t change the fact you embarrassed yourself horribly in front of your boss yesterday or, that you are struggling to pay next month’s rent.

But, for that 10 minutes or so it takes you to finish your coffee, you can experience the sensation of having a hot drink to warm you and enjoy just how nice that feels. For that 10 minutes you can feel happy and content.

Connecting with others

Another set of techniques for elevating your mood are to do with social and community connections. Spending time with others and feeling a sense of belonging and connection are reported to be among the most important elements to a ‘happy life’.

But here’s the thing. In order for social connection to work as a happiness technique, you actually have to be ‘in the moment’ when you are with other people. Racing around from one social engagement to another, constantly thinking ahead to the next thing is not going to help. On the contrary, this is the sure fire way to manipulate your mind into feeling stressed, overwhelmed and disconnected from your nearest and dearest.

Spending unhurried time with no specific agenda other than to enjoy each other’s company is key to experiencing social connectedness as a source of happiness, not stress. Catching up for a coffee, hanging out at home or simply stopping to chat to your neighbour can all provide a temporary lift in mood.

But this will only happen provided you’re not undermining your happy moment by taking yourself out of the now – casting furtive glances at your phone, thinking about what happened at work that day or mentally plotting the route to your next destination.

Remedies, drugs & other interventions

As a natural health practitioner and holistic life coach, I’m never going to be one to promote the use of anti-depressants as a first choice but, there is no denying, that for some people, this is what works.

Interestingly both the Danes and those that live in America’s happiest state, Utah, have higher than average usage of these happy pills which, some argue, is a big part of the reason they report such high levels of happiness when surveyed. For those who don’t want to go down the pharmaceutical route, there are talking and body therapies available, as well as a range of behavioural techniques that can help to temporarily elevate mood and help you feel happier for a time.

The Danes also employ a range of other techniques in response to their greatest threat to happy, the bleak Danish weather that has many of them hibernating over the cold months, having lots of hygge moments, with close family, bathed in candle light. They also spend time basking under SAD therapy lamps to beat the blues with the lucky ones, heading off to sunnier climes in the worst of the winter.

Other techniques that can help include putting on your favourite tune and dancing around the house like a mad thing, spraying an uplifting scent or baking, and then savouring, a particularly moreish batch of brownies. This last one works even better if you invite some friends over to share

So, it’s that time again. For some, spring is in the air, bringing with it the restless energy that drives us to get rid of the old, try new things and, in some way or another, renew ourselves and begin again.

For others, it’s the descent into autumn that brings with it a more contemplative countenance. A desire to reflect on what is and what could be and shed that which serves as an impediment for getting from is to be.

For many of us this process involves a lot of external activity – decluttering, deliberately disrupting our routines and conscious dreaming or visualisation work to first see, and then manifest, the new life we want to create.

But this time around I’m going to suggest you try something a little bit different. Something that may not require you to make any change to your external environment at all. This time around I’m going to encourage you to explore the power of the stories you tell both to, and about, yourself as a mechanism for personal change.

Let’s start with taking a look at how you explain yourself via the Story of You.

The Story of You

Here’s a question for you. How do you explain yourself to others? How do you explain the way you think, act and feel? Not sure? Then pay closer attention to what you say over the next few days, especially to people you are meeting for the first time.

Chances are you’ll begin to become much more aware of the Story of You, you’ve been reporting to the world. The story is a kind of explanatory tale that gives reason and rationale for your habits and beliefs. A kind of ‘I am this so I do that’ logic that we use to help others (and ourselves) understand how we came to be the way we are and do the things we do.

Sometimes we tell our story in the negative ‘I am this, so I don’t do that’. Sometimes we are not the original author of our stories. Instead, we’re retelling stories that others, usually our parents, have told about us so many times that we’ve deeply internalised the storyline and can now tell it as if it’s our own.

But here’s the thing. Every person on this planet is a multi-dimensional being, through which many, varied plot lines have been lived. So sure, you might be a responsible first child, an analytical engineer or a super organised accountant but you may be many other things as well. A passionate environmentalist, a hot rod enthusiast, a film buff, a great hostess, a talented musician, a lover of cats, or cooking, or both.

All of these experiences and roles have contributed to your personal evolution. All of them have been necessary to get you to where you are at this present time but no one of them is sufficient to explain all of who you are today or determine who you might become in the future.

So why do we act like they do?

Has your story gone stale?

Is there one of these identities or experiences you notice yourself drawing on more than others in explaining the whys and ways of you? When you meet new people do you always tell the same tale of how you came to be you? And why you do the things that you do?

Think about this for a bit. If you’re itching for a change in career or lifestyle or even just the way you experience your current reality, constantly telling and retelling the same story only serves to reinforce the you of yore that you want to change.

So how can you switch it up and breathe new life into the next chapter of your story?

Add another dimension

A few months ago I was at a meeting with a non-profit where I met the CEO who told me of her passion for driving monster trucks at the weekend. I didn’t really think anything of it until she started to explain that most people are shocked to hear about this side of herself since it’s not what one would expect from someone in her kind of role. It wasn’t consistent with her story so to speak.

Now she was a woman of a certain age, confident in herself and, delighted to be a contradiction to those who might otherwise have pigeon-holed her into a box, but not everyone is that way.

I will often hear people, especially younger folk, elevate one aspect of themselves above all others and use this as the anchor around which to base their whole life. Often this is linked to their profession, even if they don’t really like their job. So someone who worked as an accountant but who also blogs, travels, photographs and works as a community organiser still tells a life story in which the accountant plays the central role. The other four fifths are de-emphasised, not really them, or so the story goes.

But I’m going to encourage you to bring those aspects and dimensions of yourself to the fore and experiment with telling a story of you in which one or more of these plays the dominant role. So instead of explaining the way you think and act through the explanatory framework of the accountant, experiment this week with being the writer, the traveller or the photographer instead.

Create a plot twist

One of the common reasons people seek change is because they are bored. Bored with themselves, bored with the predictability of their lives, bored with having the same conversations day in, day out. In large part, much of the reason that one day can seem to fade into the next is that we always play the same role in the same way.

So what if you didn’t? What if instead of responding to an everyday situation as your everyday self, you changed the plot by performing the role as one of the other dimensions of yourself. Instead of being responsible mum who always makes sure everyone is fed, bathed and in bed on time do dinner as your nineteen year old surfer chick self? Who knows where or what you’ll eat, but you know for sure you’ll have more fun!

Wherever you go there you are

One of the main issues with taking an outside-in approach to change is that, wherever you end up, you are still you. So before you throw out your entire wardrobe, book that flight, quit that job or leave that relationship, have a deeper look and see if you can unearth some underdeveloped characters lurking in your life’s shadows.

Characters who may have been neglected or overlooked or even consciously repressed because they didn’t fit with the life story you previously wanted to live. Perhaps it’s time to bring them out, dust them off and let them have a play. Who knows perhaps it’s will be one of these other you who ends up being the dominant character in the next chapter of the Story of You!

About Me

Tricia Alach is an author, work-life coach and wellbeing professional who specialises in helping busy people create more balance, joy and fulfilment in life! To learn more about what she offers visit www.flowmindandbody.com or connect via facebook or @triciaalach

The lure of the simple life has been around for decades. For those old enough to remember, we’ve had the Goods trying to make a go of self-sufficiency in suburban London and, more recently, Paris and Nicole donning gumboots, trying to get back to nature in their own special way.

But, as attractive, or amusing, as the simple life might have been presented on TV, the real appeal was never all that widespread, until quite recently, it seems.

In the past few years, simplicity as an organising principle or ‘lifestyle’ seems to have taken off with a bang. In part evidenced by achieving the ‘movement’ tag but, perhaps, more ironically by the industry that has sprung up to support those looking for guidance on taking the simple path.

Which is not to say that following a simple life is without its complications. There seem to be as many definitions or explanations for living simply as there are people attempting to do so. This can prove confusing for those intrinsically attracted to the idea of simplifying their lives, but unsure on what this actually means.

My interest is in exploring the intersection where simplicity and wellbeing meet to consider what we can learn from keeping things simple that will support our efforts towards a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life. There’s a lot of good stuff to choose from but these are just a few of the ideas I think really offer a lot to support wellbeing.

Minimising materialism

One strand of simplicity that seems to come through quite strongly is to do with minimising material goods aka owning less stuff. Often aligned with environmental goals or, promoted as a way to undermine consumerist culture, examples of minimising materialism include – creating a capsule wardrobe, living in a tiny house or micro apartment or restricting your total possessions to 100 items or less.

Moderating mind-set

In this strand, it doesn’t really matter how much you have, the question is how attached you are to any of it? Liberation comes from being able to like, appreciate and enjoy the material possessions you acquire, secure in the knowledge that you would be largely unaffected, in emotional terms, if it all went away the very next day.

Manifesting mindfulness

What these first two strands have in common is that both require a mindful approach to consciously deciding how to live in a different way. If you feel overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of your possessions or, the pressure to always acquire more, consciously choosing to live with less may well free you up in all kinds of physical, emotional and financial ways. This process can, in turn, liberate your thoughts to consider ways of living which you might not have previously thought were available to you.

For example, selling possessions to clear debt may mean you can consider non-financial factors more strongly when deciding what to do for work. Simply having fewer clothes to choose from can free up a surprising amount of time otherwise spent deciding what to wear today.

And, let’s not forget the flow on effect that having fewer possessions can have on freeing up time and energy you can redirect to other aspects of your life. Having fewer items to insure, clean or worry about upgrading or replacing may well mean more time and energy for socialising, relaxing and enjoying the day to day.

Likewise, keeping all your stuff but changing your relationship to your possessions can create a sense of unburdening that frees the mind in unexpected ways.

Suddenly the skinny pre-pregnancy jeans you kept for when you get back to being the ‘you’ become just a pair of old jeans – simultaneously freeing you from the self-imposed pressure to get ‘back into shape’ as quickly as possible and, providing you the opportunity to truly inhabit the current you in a way that reflects and honours the changes you’re going through.

I own, therefore I am?

Consciously un-attaching yourself from possessions may also help you un-attach from other beliefs, expectations or habits that are inhibiting your efforts at living a happier, healthier and more fulfilled life.

For example, many people ascribe certain characteristics or value to particular possessions which they believe then transfer to themselves. The classic examples being of a person buying a particular make or model of car to signify that they’ve ‘made it’ or, the executive who moves from house to bigger house as he or she moves up the rungs in the corporate world.

The underpinning rationale for this behaviour is that the person believes their worth as a human is tied to the stuff that they own. So they believe that owning a more expensive car gives them status in society and that owning a huge house signals their importance to the world.

So deeply ingrained, in some cultures, is this belief that your value as a person can be inferred by what you own, that many people who actually can’t afford to, will buy the things they reflect a more affluent lifestyle, just so they can enjoy the kudos they perceive this brings.

And they will do this even if it means they get horribly into debt and have to stay at a job they hate just to make the repayments. Voluntarily taking on financial insecurity and job dependency just so they can portray themselves as the rich, successful, important people they believe their stuff represents.

Needless to say, living this way does not do wonders for wellbeing. The constant stress of living with financial insecurity and, the inability to stop earning at the same level for fear the material mirage will implode, can put strain on personal relationships and physical and mental health.

And, the saddest thing is, that it doesn’t work. People who truly believe that their worth as a person is directly correlated to what they own, never feel like they have enough. So they are always striving for the next thing – the newer model of car, the bigger house, the latest phone – without ever enjoying these things for their own sake and still somehow feeling that, whatever they have, is not enough.

Deciding enough IS enough

Well, I’m exhausted just writing this so I can only imagine how debilitating it must be to live this way. But imagine if those people just stopped imbuing stuff with all that importance and set themselves mentally and physically free from the need to constantly upgrade. If they could just enjoy what they have without feeling that their sense of self-worth is in any way linked to what they own.

Because in the letting go, the decoupling, the conscious un-attaching from your possessions you simultaneously do something else. You create a world in which your possessions are just things and you stay you, whether you own them or not. Change becomes less daunting because the possibility of ‘losing it all’ goes away. Decisions on how and, with whom, you spend your time get made according to different criteria, opening up the possibility of having a much deeper and more fulfilling experience life.

Simplicity and wellbeing?

So is simplicity good for wellbeing? For the most part, I think it is – whether it’s physically owning less, or just simplifying your relationship with things so they go back to being inert objects rather than markers of ‘success’. Adopting a simpler approach to how you interact with the material world seems to offer a good way to diminish the value of the things in your life, freeing up more mental space and physical time for you to spend with the people you love and, on the things you enjoy.

But with all things there can be a tendency to take things too far, to turn the principles of simplicity into another form of dogma or set of ‘shoulds’ that only serve to put more pressure on yourself. So if you find yourself lying awake mentally checking off your list of possessions or feeling guilty that you’re still so attached to a really expensive pair of shoes, just ease up and remember this is meant to help you.

To me the essence of a simple life is one in which there are fewer complications and a greater sense of ease. How you get there will be a largely individual pursuit – one person’s complicated is another person’s ease. So apply the principles of shedding or detaching to any area of your life where you feel you need a little simplicity salve – stuff, food, work, people – and see what happens.

Because when you think about it, nothing should really be simpler than simplifying our lives, unless we make it so.

About Me

Tricia Alach is an author, work-life coach and wellbeing professional who specialises in helping busy people create more balance, joy and fulfilment in life! To learn more about what she offers visit www.flowmindandbody.com or connect via facebook or @triciaalach

Recently I’ve noticed that the pendulum of life advice seems to be on the move. After years of exhorting us to dream big and go hard, psychologists and stress-perts alike are advocating a shift back to a simpler, calmer, more contemplative approach to life.

For years we were told that the only life worth living was the one that led us outside our comfort zone. That contentedness was just another word for settling and settling, was just another word for fear.

We were told to set Big Hairy Goals in order to wring the most out of life. To make every day an adventure and never let an opportunity to ‘do something that scares you’ pass you by. This, living out loud, so the argument went, was the best and only way to have a life full of passion, meaning and fulfilment. One in which you were uncomfortable most of the time but happy nonetheless.

Or were we?

In the past few weeks though, I’ve noticed a shift – adventure is out and contentedness is in! Calm is the new super power and groups of people are coming together to form simplicity circles during which they share ideas on how to live both with, and for, less.

Relationships are having a resurgence with depth, connection and kindredness of spirit taking priority over activity based friendships or, networking with those who are useful to advancing your career.

So why this shift? Well for many it seems to be in recognition to the fact that no matter how positively you view your full-on life, continually wringing the most out of life often comes at a personal cost – wringing the life force out of yourself. Unintendedly we end up a pale, burnt out shadow of our former selves and yet, somehow, still lacking that elusive happiness we were seeking out there in the world.

And so the advice is changing, softening and full of stories that show the ways we can take it down a notch on the effort front and search closer to home to find contentment in the everyday. Very simply put, it comes down to this – if you want to be happy in your life, BE happy in your life! Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing and whoever you happen to be.

The rationale is simple. The idea of constantly chasing a better life ‘out there’ is leading many people to follow, not a dream, but a mirage. A fantasy about how much more interesting, fulfilling and worthwhile their lives – and they themselves – would be if they were just doing something else.

Therapists and life coaches repeatedly report that they are working more and more with people who went hard and came home, only to find that nothing had really changed. Except that they were now even more disenchanted, having tried so hard to live a life less ordinary, only to find that what had driven them to push themselves so much in the first place, was still the predominant voice in their heads.

It’s hard to say whether the pendulum will swing again but this shift does feel different in sentiment to the ones that have come before. It’s simplifying for the benefit of living simply – having little, wanting little, staying where you are and liking it – rather than as a means to achieving another goal.

The happy medium of lore?

I like this new focus, especially the advice to do all those things you imagine yourself doing in your more adventurous life, in the one you have now. Striking up conversations with interesting strangers, pursuing a hobby without trying to make it into a career, reading a book in a neighbourhood café or, simply enjoying a glass of red in your own garden at the end of the day.

Life doesn’t have to be lived on an adrenalin high to be worthwhile and, you’re not ‘settling for less’ because you choose quiet contentment over the highs and lows of constantly living on the edge. Purpose, passion & planning can be dialled down and lived out locally in simpler, more sustainable and deeply connected ways.

It seems that, for the time being anyway, the pendulum of life advice has swung back to rest on that happy medium between acceptance and action. A place where you are content with who and where you are in life AND inspired to create special little moments to enjoy each and every day.

That works for me

I recently came across the great piece of advice given by Coco Chanel on how to look chic “Once you’ve dressed, and before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take at least one thing off”

And it struck me what a great principle this is to apply to simplifying our whole lives, not just our outfits.

So often the advice on how to simplify our lives requires such a lot of extra ‘work’ that we set off with the best of intentions but quickly run out of steam. Following a complex decluttering process or trying to find the time to list and rank our life’s priorities can become a burden in itself, one that adds the very stress it’s trying to relieve.

Which is not to say that these approaches don’t have merit, especially when we reach those inevitable time in our lives where we have to take serious stock. But I do love the idea of a simplified approach to simplification that we can apply to just about everything we do, every day.

The applications are endless. Taking something off your ‘to do’ list each time you write it or taking at least one things out of your diary for the week. And it doesn’t just have to be actual tasks or obligations. Taking away an arbitrary deadline, an emotional burden or removing the weight of at least one high pressure expectation you have set for yourself can be just as important mentally, as physically doing less.

Why would I do that?

Some of you might be wondering why you would ever want to take one thing off, either in terms of accessories or, in the list of tasks you perform every week. To me the lesson lies in understanding why so many of us feel we have to make such an effort in the first place. And again, we can learn from Chanel.

Her advice was based on a belief that women are at their most stylish when they are at their most natural. But what she observed was that so many women were so lacking in confidence that they tried to compensate for their perceived lack of innate style by adding it externally. To her this had the opposite effect, drawing focus from the inherent beauty of the person and, detracting from what made them unique.

In many ways, I think our relentless efforts to do and achieve are just another way that we try to measure up to some imagined ideal because we feel, at essence that we are not quite enough. And, in the same way, our impressive list of accomplishments and accolades can draw the focus from who we really are, by focusing other people’s attention solely on the things we do.

You still get to be you!

Of course none of this means you have to live the life of a hermit or, leave the house completely unadorned! The extent to which we accessorise ourselves and our lives is relative – one person’s blinged up is another person’s understated. Ditto, one person’s frantic is another’s having a quiet week.

The principle is what’s important. By doing just a little less, you become just a little less obscured, which allows more of your true self to show through.

And that is who we want to see!

About Me

Tricia Alach is an author, work-life coach and wellbeing professional who specialises in helping busy people create more balance, joy and fulfilment in life! To learn more about what she offers visit www.flowmindandbody.com or connect via facebook or @triciaalach

I recently had dinner with a friend who shared with me an epiphany she’d recently experienced. For years, she had dreamed, planned and plotted her perfect garden. She’d drawn up plans, spoken to contractors, made multiple visits to garden centres to research ideas. And yet, now, years later, still no perfect garden.

She’d spent hours, weeks, months, probably, thinking about the garden or lack thereof. She’d beaten herself up for not being more organised, more proactive, more decisive. She’d agonised over quotes from contractors trying to figure out where the garden came in the order of priority when it came to the budget. And of course, she’d gone through all the emotions in relation to this – anger, frustration, despair, despondency, resentment and resignation until one day she experienced something else. A realisation.

Out working in the garden one day she’d had an epiphany and the epiphany was this. She no longer cared about the end result, the perfect garden, because she had suddenly realised just how much joy she was getting from the garden being a work in progress. She loved pottering about, pruning the occasional bush, going to the garden centre to peruse the latest plants and speaking to landscapers about creative ways to use the space.

She loved dreaming about the possibilities and thinking about how it could be without feeling the need to ensure that it would be a certain way. She had started to see the visits to the garden centre as pleasurable outings in their own right, rather than as a means to an end. And, most interestingly, she’d come to the conclusion that should her perfect garden ever materialise, she would probably be a little bit sad, grieving for the joy of possibilities lost to the certainty of completion.

Which got me thinking….

How many of us are missing out on this joy of the work in progress because we are so fixated on the attainment of a specific outcome?

And how could we flip this around?

If there’s no pain, is it worth the gain?

There’s nothing inherently wrong with having goals, dreams, aspirations – future states you are working towards. Where things can go a little haywire is when we start to subvert our joy in the now, in sacrifice to the expectation of happiness, satisfaction, contentment in the then.

The idea that we must struggle and sacrifice to achieve our goals has been around for a long time and many of us, implicitly or overtly, seem to subscribe to this view. If whatever we’re working towards comes too easily, we can sometimes experience a sense of unease – that maybe we haven’t set our sights high enough or pushed ourselves far enough. The assumption being that things that come easily aren’t really worth having or, that we’ll appreciate the end result more if we’ve sacrificed along the way.

I’d like to flip this on its head and suggest an alternative. Instead of thinking about life as a series of rare moments of big achievement, start thinking of it as a continuous experience of tiny moments of joy.

Revel in the muscle burn you experience while working out in pursuit of getting to your ‘ideal weight’. Delight in the mosaic you can create with sample pots as you take your time to decide what colour to paint your wall. Sink into the joy of experimenting with different styles and colours as you try to figure out what new look you’re going to embrace for the next phase of your life. Have fun as you work the room at networking events in search of that elusive connection who will help advance your career…

Banking the joys of the every day

We know, from countless studies, that achievement doesn’t actually deliver happiness. What research shows is that, on achieving a goal, most of us will experience a brief high, followed often by an unexpected low and then, the re-emergence of the hunger for something else/more/different that drove the pursuit of the goal in the first place. A vicious cycle many of us are familiar with, I’m sure.

I think that knowing this is enormously liberating. It doesn’t preclude working towards a particular goal or future state but it takes away that expectation that the achievement of that goal will deliver the joy. This frees us up to pay more attention to how we feel about what we do with our time and energy day to day.

If you enjoy what you do each day, and it helps you move towards your goals, great! Even if you never quite get there, or things don’t turn out exactly as planned, you’ll already have banked the enjoyment of the ride. And no doubt have some great stories to tell!

If you take no joy from your day to day life, but keep telling yourself that the sacrifice will be worth it in the end, that’s not so great. Subverting your current happiness in the pursuit of some idealised future state is most likely to lead to disappointment. Both that the achievement of your goal didn’t deliver to expectations and, that you’ve spent so much time being unhappy without the desired return.

Create many moments

So what can we learn from all of this? Well when you break it down, it’s really quite simple. Either do only the things you enjoy for their own sake or, find a way to enjoy the things that you are doing in pursuit of a future goal – or maybe both!

There was a great facebook meme going around recently that said ‘write down the things you enjoy, write down the things on your to do list – compare lists and adjust accordingly’

I think this is a great way to sense check how you are spending your time and energy each day. Of course this doesn’t mean you won’t have annoyances and frustrations to deal with – life’s funny like that – but you don’t have to schedule those things into your life by actively choosing to spend your time on things you don’t enjoy doing.

Instead actively choose to create moments that make your heart smile – pruning the roses, going for a walk, creating a multi-coloured filing system, crafting a beautifully written report, playing with the cat, cruising the mall for inspiration without the pressure of actually buying anything…

After all, it is these moments that form the days, weeks and years of our lives!

About Me

Tricia Alach is an author, work-life coach and wellbeing professional who specialises in helping busy people create more balance, joy and fulfilment in life! To learn more about what she offers visit www.flowmindandbody.com or connect via facebook or @triciaalach