Natalie Hart's Blog: Natalie's Blog

I often get panicked when I’ve opened up to someone. When I publish my stories I wonder if I’m good enough to do this and if people will enjoy what I’ve written; I often wonder if I’m embarrassing myself. When I tell someone my worries I wonder if they’re going to hurt me, even if it’s unintentional hurt. We are often vulnerable and I’ve been thinking about this in light of love. It’s made me realise that I have yet to write about a hero being convinced of his love for the heroine, or of a heroine showing the hero she’s worthy of him.

I think all my heroes so far have been sure they at the very least cared for the heroine. They may not love her yet, but they want to spend their time getting to know if they do. In my stories the barrier to love has often been the heroine worrying if they’re right for each other.

I don’t want to put my heroines down, there’s very good reason to be cautious about opening up to someone. And that’s exactly what love is. It’s about knowing that your partner is someone you can bare your soul to; someone who adds resilience to your life. The world can often be a scary place, and there are people who have malicious intentions. Letting yourself love someone can be a frightening thought. It opens up you up to danger if you let yourself love the wrong person.

Opening up to the right person gives you strength, a shared strength from being more sure of your vulnerabilities and gaining strength from the care and support of person you opened up to.

Sometimes we don’t even realise we’re exploring someone’s thoughts, or ideals, or morals to see if we can care for them. As we go through life we examine, and sometimes judge others. We try to put our perspective in line with their views to see if we’re compatible. Truly loving someone is taking the ultimate risk in saying, “You are for me, and I am for you.”

Commitment can be intimidating, whether that commitment is to a night of passion, or inviting someone into your home, or starting a life with someone.

First impressions are often important. Many of my characters have known from the second they saw their future lover that there was something between them. They didn’t know if that something would be unrequited, if that something would be outright rejected, or if that something was a thought gone askew. My heroines had to take risks to find out, they’ve had to open up their vulnerabilities to know if this person is right for them.

My heroines always know there’s something there. The romance is the couple learning exactly what that something is.

My new story is taking shape. I’ve just written the first steamy scene. The Hero is a bad boy, or at least he thinks he is. He’s quick to aggression and will fight for his friends, but Lucienne, our heroine has been dealing with bad boys all her life; often drinking them under the table. She doesn’t believe he’s as bad as he makes out. He’s good looking, but he’d be attractive if he’d take things a little more easily. He doesn’t look good with a hangover.

So far I’ve written relationships I can imagine myself being in. With this new short I’m writing something different. Lucienne is the badass I’d often like to be. She’s quick witted and can put a man in his place, something she’s had a lot of practice at. She’s successful in her job, where she cares for kids. She knows how to sort out a bad humoured teenager just as much as ease a terrified and timid eight year old.

Lucienne is a badass and I’d always pick her to fight my corner, but I’ve been thinking about bad boys. I don’t think we like them because they don’t care for rules or because they’re quick to temper, that’s plain mindlessness. I think what makes a bad boy worth caring about is when they don’t stand for injustice and intolerance; when they care for something worth raising your fists for.

My badboy fights, he fights for his friends, even when his friends have been total numbnuts. He sometimes fights because he’s had too much to drink. A lot of the time badboys fight for the wrong reason, or do something stupid and reckless. And Lucienne has seen a lot of reckless working the wards in her hospital. She simply won’t stand for it.

Sometimes a badboy needs someone to sit them down and tell them to sort themselves out. And sometimes a badboy needs to learn that a true fight is to have passion for someone you care about. I hope Lucienne can beat that into Mark’s thick skull.

A quick follow up to my previous post about the second short in my Grant's Bar Nights series.

In that blog post I said I was finding it emotional to write Meghan's story. Well, I've finished it and it's called Torment's End. It's available on Amazon. The good news is the struggle was worth it and I think Meghan would agree with me.

It would be nice to start this blog on an upbeat note, enthusing about Grant's bar, the setting for my series of romance shorts. I loved writing the first in my series, Dive Bar Heat: A Grant's Bar Romance. Alice is an amazing woman and Graham, the bar owner is a kind and handsome man, but I've started on my second short and I have to talk about my heroine.

My follow up features Meghan. She is an amazing woman, full of strength, but it's not always enough. She suffers from ill mental health. And although it's mostly under control it makes life difficult for her. She has to stay on top of everything and she really needs to manage her stress. Meghan hasn't sought out a relationship in a long time, but when Aaron comes into Grant's his charm and fun wins Meghan over. Meghan takes a brave step, confronts her fears and soon begins a relationship with him. And she's having a great time.

But anyone who suffers from the likes of anxiety and depression knows that it can strike at any time. I've just written about Meghan's anxiety/paranoia/panic attack and I'm beat. I had to stop mid-paragraph it's taken so much out of me. I think Meghan is an immensely strong woman, but sometimes she doesn't believe it about herself. And sometimes you can't control your illness.

Writing about Meghan's troubles has left me feeling on edge, it's even upset me a little. I know what's in store for Meghan but it's hard to think about that when she's in pain.

When I was two thirds of the way through Dive Bar Heat I decided my follow up would be about mental health. I was certain of that. I knew it would be hard but I couldn't fully understand how hard it would be until I started writing. There are millions of people around the world who struggle with these issues. It makes for tough writing and if I've done my job well it will make for tough reading. But I really feel I owe it to the many people who go through this week-in, week-out to properly represent their experiences, warts and all.

If this has turned you off reading Meghan's story I wouldn't blame you. It's not for everyone; illness can be tough to read about, and it can make you feel vulnerable, so protecting yourself must come first. Most of us read for enjoyment and escape. However I feel Meghan's story deserves to be told.

I'll finish this story. I have to and I want to; I owe it to Meghan no matter how upset I am at the moment. I just hope I can do justice to the people like Meghan who go through life with the press of ill mental health. And I hope I don't let anyone down.