Renata Ildiko Karoly's Blog

Procrastination is a b*tch. And so is anxiety, insecurity, depression, and loss of motivation. Many times you can find a thousand more reasons not to do something, than to actually summon up the courage to do it.

Last year started out pretty great, with some great goals up ahead of me, which I really pushed hard to get closer to. In the beginning, at least. I did a good deal of writing, tried to make it a daily ritual, and did a good deal of thinking too. A lot of things seemed to spark something in my imagination, and a lot of times I followed the light to its source, trying to see what it wanted to show me. It was a wonderful adventure.

But as time went on, my ambition slackened, and it became harder and harder to keep the habit. First the writing started to lessen, even when I had devised penalties for the days I did not write. And then the wanderings became less frequent, and I felt myself close up once more. As if the tide had turned on my sea of curiosity, and it had retreated back into itself out of fear, worry, and pessimism.

I think it’s safe to say that I have placed my goals too high. It’s a good thing to dream big, but it still has to be achievable. And I do think that someday I will get there, but the time I have allotted myself was much too little. And the frustrating thing is that I am perfectly aware of my limitations, and yet I always expect more of myself. So I have made a new plan.

The biggest issue, probably, is that I have lost sight of a very important part of writing: having fun. Following a story to see where it leads, getting to know the characters that just popped into existence, all of this wonder of spinning a yarn out of thin air. The mystery, the adventure, the joy, the thrill. It is indeed serious work, and you have to improve yourself every chance you get, but this, the reward, is so worth it.

Sometimes the stories just want to tell themselves. The one who writes it down is merely a chronicler, listening in awe to the very first time it is told. I want to experience that again.

I’ve decided to play a game, just for the fun of it. A game without consequences, without expectations, just something to play around with, maybe ruffle up the dusty parts of my imagination. A game of creativity, if you will. I call it “building-block story”, and it goes something like this:

Using some kind of word randomizer, I select a noun. That noun, be whatever it may, shall be my protagonist. Next, I select a random adjective, this will be my protagonist’s most characteristic feature. This is followed by a random location, to set the scene for my story. And normally, that would be it. But if I’m feeling more adventurous, I can continue with other random things: friends, enemies, disputes, belongings, and the list goes on. The main thing is to have fun.

And for my first attempt, here is my selection: sword, silent, museum. Let’s see where this will take us!

So the new year has begun, and the days are already zipping by in full speed. Work stuff and life stuff performing their day to day duals for my attention, and there is so much to do that I don’t even know where to start. And then there’s the writing.

I have made some serious plans for this year in regards to what I want to write about or finish writing about, and now I see that I need to take this more seriously than ever if I want to achieve my goals. Changes need to be made in my lifestyle and habits, and I really hope that I can manage the challenge. But when I look at Unrequited Memories, or read some of my unfinished work, my resolve always hardens. This is something I want to do. This is someone I want to be.

The plans I have made are indeed very ambitious, but that shouldn’t stop me in trying to complete them.

So what are these plans exactly? They look something like this:

1. A science fiction novella set in a dystopian future

I have been working on this for the final months of 2017, but not as much as I would have liked, therefore it is nowhere near being finished. The storyline is mostly worked out, so as a first step I just need to get everything on the page. And then the editing and cover design can begin.

2. A book of poetry in Hungarian language

As with Unrequited Memories, I also have some poems created years ago in my native language, Hungarian. These are somewhat even more dark than the ones in Volume I, but have a slightly different atmosphere, as the main focus is not only love.

The collection is basically ready, I would only need to organize them is a suitable order, and edit and rewrite them as needed. And of course, create the cover. This is a part I am really excited about, as I now have more tools at my disposal and can’t wait to start working with them.

3. A haiku collection

Since last December, as a sort of creativity exercise, I have been trying to write one haiku a day, inspired by the events of that day. So far it has worked out pretty nicely, and I got quite a good look at how the different aspects of my life make me feel. Needless to say, I have found areas that need to be changed as soon as possible. But that’s another story.

I would like to continue this throughout the year, and finally compile a collection out of them. As to the structure of the collection, I have not decided yet. There are some ideas in mind for how it could look like, but I am not yet sure. But for now, it is not really important.

4. Continue work on a psychology themed short story collection

This is something I am really excited about, as the inner workings of our minds have always fascinated me. Dreams, obsessions, madness of various degrees all present great opportunities for investigation.

For this collection, I already have some stories I would like to include, but most of them are unfinished. As a first step, I would like to complete these, and maybe do some rework on a couple of the completed ones. But even so, a short story collection would need more stories than I currently have in stock, so I will need a lot more time to finish this project. If I could get the completion done this year, I would be more than happy with the result.

5. Continue work on a fantasy themed short story collection

The story here is basically the same as with the other collection, the only difference is that the main theme of this one would be fantasy. And maybe with a dash of science fiction.

An issue for both these collections is that some of the stories are written in English, while others in Hungarian. For the first step of story completion, I would leave everything in their original language, and after enough stories have been written, I would take some time to translate them to the other language as well. It would be nice to have the collections in both languages, even if it means quite some extra work.

 

And all of this in just one year. It sounds a lot, but it also sounds achievable. And there is plenty more left for the years to come. A lot of begun ideas still lie waiting, some of them gathering dust for quite a while now. But hopefully that will change in the future, and its just a matter of time until everything gets their deserved rediscovery.

Happy New Year! Onwards we go!

In an attempt to broaden my horizons regarding the things I write about and the style I write in, I decided to take part in some themed competitions, most of which lie outside the realm in which I usually write. I find this a great exercise in creativity, one in which I can push myself past my perceived limitations. And who knows, maybe I will surprise myself and something really awesome will come out of it.

As a first endeavor, I entered the 5th edition of the Flash Fiction Competition held by the César Egido Serrano Foundation. The entries accepted were to be written in only 100 words and with regard to the motto: The Word, bridging the gap between different cultures and religions.

I was really excited to give this a try, as I have written flash fiction stories before, although somewhat longer than 100 words. I immediately started thinking of possible stories and themes I could write about, but for quite a while no tangible idea came forth. This, of course, had left me uneasy, as I had felt this lack of new ideas and inspirations for quite some time now.

A tranquil heart creates no waves. I wondered if this was true. In my younger years, when my heart had been a hurricane of emotions, my mind whirred, birthing stories one after another, and all I needed was something to hold it fast with. A pen, a keyboard, a recorder. Anything to keep that fleeting idea encaged. But now, for some reason, it seems a rare occasion when a new idea pops into my head. And it worries me sometimes.

But thankfully, my motivation persisted over my perceived loss of imagination critters, and, after some effort, my first entry was born. Peace had returned to my mind. And though it was a bit difficult to squeeze it all into a mere 100 words, in the end I triumphed. I hoped I had captured the essence of what the story was about, and that its soul remained intact in this confinement. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

For my second entry, I had chosen a short piece I had already written, one that was close to my heart, and which I wanted to share. Alas, it was more than 100 words, so my struggle started anew in bringing it down to an acceptable size. This proved even more difficult than the first one, but after some restructuring I think I have ended up with a good version of it. Same message, despite the different form. And so, my contributions to this competition had been completed.

And now, I eagerly wait for the results, and hope to learn something new from the winning stories. It’s a win-win either way. A good breeding ground for my imagination critters. And once the results have been announced, I would like to share my stories here as well, for those interested.

After some back-and-forth, a lot of editing, rewriting, formatting, proofreading, and spell-casting, my two-volume poetry collection is finally out there. It’s been Hell of a ride.

I would like to say that I have enjoyed all of it, but that was not entirely the case. There were days when I thought I will never get it finished, or just couldn’t get concentrated enough to work on it. But that’s ok. I did my best and tried to keep the goal clear in my mind. This was my first real project of author-hood and of course I expected the hardships. And I am greatly thankful for the support of my friends and family who kept me on the right track.

And then the books were finally out, and they rushed to the stores to buy their copies, even though I insisted it wasn’t necessary. But they were having none of it. So that left me with a mixed feeling of warm gratefulness and uncertain disquiet, and I waited uneasily for their opinions. Let me explain.

The people who have come into my life only in the past few years will not recognize me through this collection. It is dark, and it is sad, and full of emotions they have not yet seen in me. Or at least, to this degree. It presents a side of me they do not know. But that side is there and a valid part of me, even if it went dormant for the past couple of years.

So, for those interested, here is the story of why that collection is the way it is.

Unrequited Memories

The title came to me very soon after deciding to start this endeavor. It seemed more than fitting for the poems I’ve chosen to include in the collection. Unrequited love and heartbreak, memories of daydreams and secret wishes of the heart. The enveloping darkness, and the light I have found within. All of it, displaced into a time already passed, locked and nurtured only in my mind.

Volume IUnrequited Memories – Volume I

I started writing poems when I was a teenager. Being an introvert, I had a hard time navigating the world, and seeing how others managed so easily made me turn away even more. But I did find solace in quite a few things. Art, both my own and that of others, gave me the chance to express myself, to outline something I could identify with.

Gothic art and music spoke to me almost instantly. It was love at first sight. The play of shadows, the mystery within the darkness, the elegant details, the hidden depth behind the surface was more than alluring. Behind every piece of art, every line of lyric or poetry lay a whole world to be explored. And all of it under the cover of darkness and the spellbinding lure of the moon.

Even now I shudder to think of the endless possibilities this world holds. All the layers of emotion, felt to the deepest, brought forth and accepted in their entirety. A beautiful tragedy opening its petals to midnight.

The poems in this first volume are saturated with the trails of this fascination. The emotions presented are direct, strong and raw, the expressions of a young heart so willing to speak, and yet, so afraid to at the same time.

Volume IIUnrequited Memories – Volume II

A few years later I took to writing again. Time had passed, and I have seen more of the world. And I have started to understand my inner tickings as well. I could survey my romantic misfortunes with a calmer air.

The emotions became more nuanced and chiseled, concentrated not only in the feelings of the moment, but bore consequence and purpose. And my own stance in this whirlwind became more stable, foreshadowing a peace of mind that the eventual absence and its acceptance would bring.

And so, my memories I have lain down, and through these verses they will continue to live. And in the meantime, time did not stop, and I have moved on to another chapter of my life, this time something different and new.

So there you have it, a blink into my ever-twisting maze of a mind. And still, I must admit, my fascinations with all things dark still persist. The endless possibilities of what it can cover, the chance to reveal it shade by shade is exciting and exhilarating and thought provoking. You never know where the mere form of a shadow can take you. Me, it led me down various paths. Some of it I present in these two books, others I hope to present in works to come.

Hello. My name is Renata and I’m an author. Just want to get this out there before we start. And to start? Well, I’m not really sure where to start really. But here it goes.

I fell in love with reading when I was young, and my feelings have only grown ever since. Right to the point where I would read anything I could get my hands on, just for the sake of reading something. This turned out to be a good thing. My views have broadened concerning a lot of things, and I feel I’ve learnt a lot, even from books you wouldn’t believe.

This, of course, does not mean that I love everything I’ve read. I have my own favorites regarding genre, story, and style. But I give the chance equally to all. And since I have been blessed with quite an active imagination, it was in no time that I became inspired by something, and tried my hand at writing myself.

At first, this was solely for my own pleasure. It was a way I could express myself in a world where I felt my voice didn’t really count. So I wrote for me, building my world word for word. And it was varied, and colorful, and raw. I had no idea what I was doing. But I didn’t need to. I was happy with it anyway.

But then life happened, and pushed all of it in the background. My focus shifted to responsibilities and making a living. Learning, working, witnessing the world through adult eyes. But still, I would return to my stories time and time again, rethinking and rewriting the old ideas, and starting new ones. But sadly, very little of them ever got to be finished. It just wasn’t a priority. And so, time passed on, and dust started to settle on my world of words.

Fast forward to this summer, when finally the idea came that I should publish some of my work. Why now? Why only now? I have no idea. But I console myself thinking that this is how it was meant to be. So I’ve looked over all that I have written through the years, and chose the participants to my first endeavor.

Thinking back, it was an easy pick. Like I said, most of the stuff I began haven’t been finished later. But beside my stories, there were also poems. Quite a lot of them, actually. So I decided to start with them. I dusted them off and gave them a glossy finish. Put them in a form I would show off to the world.

And now they are finally out there for the world to see, a first piece of my imaginary land. But there is still a lot left unsaid, and I am hoping that this first step will motivate me to come forth with many more in time. This has been a dream come true for me. And I want to work hard to keep this dream alive.

They say the first step is always the hardest, and I have now taken it. But still, what comes next is not entirely clear, and I have a lot of things left to figure out. I know there will be a lot of trips and bruises before I will learn to run. But I’m trying my best because this is truly what I want to do. I want to be an author. So here I am.