Ginger M. Sullivan's Blog

In teaching emotional skills, whether it be tactical, emotional, or experiential, I must confess I can be overzealous. I’m so focused on either working someone’s relational muscle or getting excited when I witness progress, that I often forget to mention context. 

Ah, yes. That. Context.

Because relationships are not one-size-fits all. We ain’t in the bathrobe department at Macy’s. Rather, we are in the underwear department where x-small means half your ass and x-large means we got you covered. Size matters as does context, my friends. Self-care means choosing wisely. 

Some relationships are growth-oriented. We are both committed to the development of further closeness, relational transparency, repair, and growth in both our self and in the relationship. Because of this, there is a base of trust and safety that allows to relationship to go deeper and withstand more of the raw and the real. 

Use your well-honed relational skills here, such as putting your emotional truth on the table in a respectful way, making a request, expressing vulnerable feelings, risking that you might be heard and understood if you have something other than a positive feeling toward the other, etc. 

This camp better include your partner (if not, get a new one). And maybe a best friend, adult child, or close family member – if you are that lucky.

And then there are relationships that are limited. You choose to stay in the shallow end of the pool and have accepted that it will never be more or deeper. Because either the other person is too relationally dangerous to hold your full range of feelings, or the nature of the relationship dictates a narrower bandwidth. 

Now, we still want to have our integrity and show up respectfully and relationally. But we remain clear in our choices and expectations because the relationship is best kept within the lanes of its defined limitation. Think superficial and social friends, neighbors, co-workers, most of our family members and certainly, our boss. These relationships serve an important function but at the end of the day, these individuals probably don’t have time or give a shit about your feelings and what you need differently from them. Just show up happy at the cocktail party, let me borrow a cup of sugar, get the report in on time and bring me a good gift at the office Christmas gift exchange. Any more than that in a limited relationship then you are setting yourself up for hurt. You don’t want to do that.

Many of you know that I love group therapy’s effectiveness in teaching humans how to be close to other humans with their verbalized thoughts and feelings. 

And of course, as if on cue, I hear this often – “I tried talking the way we do in group with my co-worker/friend/mother, and it didn’t go so well.”

I’m caught between a laugh and a cry.

Context.  Again, I forgot to mention that essential part.

What we learn in group is the nectar of the gods. Emotional and relational juice at its sweetest. But don’t try it at home with just anybody. It will likely fail.

But when you choose to try it wisely, meaning in the right context with the right person who is also growth-oriented and is invested in learning the art and skill of intimate human relating, then winner-winner-chicken-dinner. Not sure it gets any better for us mere mortals.  

So, remember, size matters when it comes to relationships. Your heart is too important for one-size-fits-all.  

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“I’ll have the left side of the menu,” my husband, the foodie, often says jokingly to the wait staff when he sniffs that we’ve sat down at a fine dining establishment.  And then, of course, we must rank the food. “Five stars” is a rarity, given the particularly refined palate of the man I share my life with. Good thing he doesn’t let me near the kitchen.

So, as you can imagine, surprising my dear husband for an exceptional “five star” birthday experience is not an easy task. One I honestly dread every August. 

But this year, the kitchen gods showed pity. It fell in my lap. Or at least the name of the place. A quick Google search and I learned that this exceptional culinary adventure required six-months to get a reservation. And, if you wanted a specific day, you had to mark your calendar and call exactly on the minute that the online reservations opened. A few minutes later, no go. Gone faster than tickets to a Harry Styles concert. 

So, I bookmarked my calendar. Cleared my schedule for 10:00 am. Reminded the kitchen gods that I still needed their assistance. And, open, point and click. Bam! I won the lottery. Or at least, two seats at this supposedly fancy, very popular restaurant at 7:00 p.m. on my husband’s birthday, six months in the future. 

We were the last to arrive. 7:01 on the dot. We, or shall I say I, underestimated the number of cars a Washington DC road can amass. Our table was waiting inside a small well-dressed room, part barn and part modern elegance. Twenty guests filled seven tables. Every seat was taken. 

Laura, the part-owner, part-cook, hostess and manager, greeted us personally. Not quite sure how many stars my husband was already imagining, but I was impressed. The stress of the traffic was long forgotten.

Once seated, we were presented a glass of bubbly and a printed card with all seven courses. There was no left side of the menu. There wasn’t even a menu. You ate what they served you. Or you at least dared to try it and, in my case, give the rest to husband. Through the open kitchen, we watched the five employees artfully decorate twenty plates per course. Then they presented it to us, announcing foods I never heard of, couldn’t pronounce or spell.  

Three hours later, my husband pushed back from the table and declared it to be one of the best culinary adventures of his life. I was just happy it ranked higher than last year’s birthday meal.

As we headed home, the traffic showed up again. This time for road construction. But I chose not to care. My stomach was full and my heart fuller. I was busy reflecting on the dining experience we just underwent.

Although an uncommon event, such pomp and circumstance, it reflects accurately our lives. We work hard to get a seat at the table. Most arrive to some form of celebration, even if lacking a name tag in fancy calligraphy. We don’t get the menu upfront, but courses are numbered, and the portions limited. Some dishes are better than others. Some we’d rather not have at all. Some we try, some we share, others we devour. But as the kitchen closes and the candles burn low, we hopefully push back from the table and say “it was well.”

So much for ordering the left side of the menu. Or, even finding the all-you-can-eat-buffet. We don’t get to tell life that we want the sweet and not the sour. The good and not the bad. Rather, we are served what is cooked, all seven courses. Things we didn’t expect, didn’t know existed, can’t pronounce or even spell. 

I wish it were different. That life was all joy without the suffering. Seems like a design flaw if you ask me. But what I can say is that even though some bites of our seven-course meal were preferable to others, the entirety of the meal was remarkable. Five-star quality. We walked away satisfied. 

If only we could go back and do it again.   

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It’s the second-best thing you can say to your partner (or child) after “I love you.” Perhaps even the first.

Because “I love you” is a broad, vague message. It can mean all sorts of things, such as, I love the way you make me feel. I love what you do for me. I love that you allow me to do this or that. I love that you are a warm body that keeps me away from my loneliness or emptiness. I love that you give me and the children a comfortable life. I love that you prop me up, etc.

Hopefully, I love you means I see you. All of you. And, in knowing you, I embrace, accept and cherish you in all your perfect imperfections. 

But sadly, such is not often the case. “I love you” can be very fair weathered, only as it remains convenient and good for me.

“That makes sense” is more specific. And therefore, love in action. To say it, and mean it, you must put in some work. Therefore, it’s not a passive nor lazy person’s form of love. You must put yourself aside, stretch your comfort zone and expand your reality to make space to understand another’s perspective from their vantage point. You are showing a willingness to hear, understand and validate.

Often folks are reluctant to show such love because they think that understanding and validation are equivalent to agreement. Nope, this is not true. In a healthy relationship, everyone gets a voice, even if they cannot always have their way. In being willing to hear your partner’s perspective, you are showing respect for your teammate’s full participation. It makes sense to them, even if you do not agree with it. They deserve such attention.

Another reason folks are hesitant to understand and validate their partner’s reality is that they are not aware that they did not marry themselves. You laugh, but such is often the case. The fact that one is left to spend the better part of one’s life trying to get to know, understand, validate, and negotiate with a stranger is what partnership is all about. And we are never done with this awesome task. Each of us brings an infinite onion to the relationship. It is our job to embrace the lifelong education of getting to know ourselves and our partner as different than us.

So, go ahead. You can try this one at home. Next time you find yourself reactive and self-protective, take a moment and seek to understand and validate your partner’s reality. “It makes sense to me” might land you on new and better ground.

The post That Makes Sense to Me … appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

You are self-reflective. You recognize yourself as a whole being and work toward a deeper self-awareness.

You are growth-oriented. You know that you are always a work in progress. You can appreciate where you are while wanting to keep learning and becoming the best version of you.

You set personal goals and work to achieve them.

You understand that bad moments and bad days don’t define you. That life is a mixed bag for everyone.

You take life seriously but not too seriously. You appreciate its preciousness while laughing along the way. You allow yourself to make mistakes.

You are compassionate towards self and others.

You recognize and cope with triggers in yourself and those you love. You have active ways of self-soothing.

You know what depletes you and replenishes you.  You actively seek to restore your body, mind and soul.

You respect boundaries in self and others.

You can know and manage your emotions in a healthy way.

You know how to speak your truth while staying connected to another.

You accept that life demands we live it on its terms. You understand that distractions, compulsive behaviors, and addictions keep us from true vitality. 

You work to know when to hang on and when to let go.

You are enjoying your life.

The post 14 Signs That You Are Emotionally Growing appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Are you promotion focused or prevention focused?

Promotion focused refers to seeing a carrot, desiring it, and going after it.  We recognize our need for nurturance and care. We admit our hunger as a human being. We lean in and intentionally execute by turning our time, energy, and attention toward the treasured prize. We want to feel better, more, and alive. 

Prevention focused refers to preventing loss. Our basic security needs are not met. We are not okay or fear that we won’t be. Thus, we focus on our duties and obligations toward safety and protection. We remain vigilant as to have nothing bad happen. We are concrete as opposed to curious. Our primary target is the absence of a negative outcome. We want to avoid feeling bad.

Once we accept life on life’s terms, the inevitable good and bad, we grow tolerant of a wider range of feelings. With the bottom no longer feeling eternal, we develop trust in our ability to withstand pain. This emotional expansion births room for greater freedom to want and have more, resulting in joy. 

Promotion or prevention?

Yours for the choosing. 

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We are infinite onions, ready to be peeled, known, and understood. 

Layer #1: Cocktail Party Conversation. “Hi! How are you?” “Good. And you?” “Good.” “Great. Good to see you.” “You too. Have a great day!” And on we travel through our day. No personal information is revealed. No impact has been made on either party. We have only engaged in a civil, social discourse. But, before we poo-poo its importance, it is the start to human contact. We have put words in the empty space which before divided us. We have acknowledged the other and initiated verbal engagement. After all, relationships must begin with “hello.” Furthermore, we may even feel some vibe which makes us curious and hungry for more. The fun has begun.

Layer #2: The Outside World. Once we move past the initial hello, we have begun some kind of relationship. Our big toe goes into the water as a potential bond begins to form. Conversation at this level entails subjects outside of us, such as the weather, gossip, sports, politics or current events. Like the first layer, we are still existing primarily in our comfort zone; however, there is a little more personal information revealed. The other party gets some sense of what interests us and what our passions are. We find things we have in common, and if we are paying attention, we might pick up on an energy that is connective. One that evokes our desire to get to know someone at an even deeper level.

Layer #3: Thoughts, Values and Opinions. At this level of contact, we are sharing with more ownership. We are letting someone in on the foundational principles that define our life’s frame whether they be political, religious or cultural. Such openness means that we have moved into potentially more treacherous waters in that judgment and rejection are now possibilities.  Someone might not tolerate our opinions or the values that feel essential to who we are. Someone might discount us or shame us or even, ridicule us. In other words, hurt is now a real prospect. As I get closer to the prize of intimacy, the risk goes up exponentially. Both in terms of the pain I might experience but also the reality that the relationship we are starting to invest in might not survive the additional heat. We go deeper …

Layer #4: Facts About Me. At this level of relating, we begin to tell our story.  We share the significant narratives that have come to identify who we are. Often the telling and re-telling is done from a cognitive, head-space. It is as if I am reporting a series of events outside of me. Yes, you are getting to know the facts about my life which are revealing and relating but not as connective as …

Layer #5: Feelings About Me. Now ask me how I feel about all those central stories of my life and we got a game-changer. The emotional temperature in the person talking and in the dialogue between the party’s plummets to an emotional and relational intensity. We now have a real possibility for presence, engagement and connection. We have crossed the grand chasm from head to the sacred space of the heart. It is in this place that relationships take root and bloom. That people go from strangers to intimate friends. But sadly, we often avoid this opportunity for such a gift because we fear the risk – the risk of showing you all my best wares – the insides of who I am – and your rejecting or discarding them. Thus, in such resistance, we often miss out on entering the candy shop of life. And just as the image portrays, this is where all the good stuff is. The magical content of poets and musicians, philosophers and artists.  

If we are willing to open ourselves up and share what is most raw and real, we likely draw compassion, understanding, care and warmth. We humanize ourselves which attracts other people to us – for what is most personal is also most universal. Our fears, pains, longings and aches are alike. You just couldn’t realize this when I was hiding so well.

Layer #6: Feelings About You. At the core of human contact, the most intimate I can be with another person, is to tell him/her how I feel about them. The focus shifts from being about me, towards me and in me, to being about how I feel toward you. We stand naked, full-frontal, gazing at the eyes, heart and soul of the person across from us. Talk about risk at its height! Not only might the other not share the same feelings but he/she might not receive the feelings I have to offer. The cards are stacked to either stand tall or fall flat – something I won’t know or experience until I open my mouth and express my feelings toward the other person with my words.

Get peelin’!

The post The Layers of Progressive Emotional Communication appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

One of the three necessities for a healthy relationship is emotional regulation. When one is being triggered into an escalated state of fight, flight, freeze or fix, one is not capable of being relational. In fact, when one’s amygdala has taken over due to a perceived or real threat, one is anti-relational. It is all – and only – about personal survival.  

During this phase, it is best to give yourself and your partner time to cool down or de-escalate. Because if either or both of you stay engaged, it will get ugly. And relational connection erodes with chronic and unchecked injuries. 

Do you know when you are flooded or escalated?

Heart speeds up to more than 100 BPM;Adrenaline starts to pump;Unable to focus on the issue;Speech becomes pressured and volume increases;Non-responsive to your partner’s questions or commentary;Tunnel-vision and/or tunnel-hearing;Breathing becomes rapid and shallow;Either/Or thinking;Muscles tense or tighten;Feeling hot, flushed, dry mouth, shaky or sweaty.

Study yourself and study your partner.

The more one can know when you and your partner are getting triggered, the better you can protect your beautiful, co-created relational space.  It might feel “good” to react, act out or rant, but once your adult functioning self is back in the driver’s seat, you will regret your recklessness. Emotional regulation protects your intimate investment for the long haul. 

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One of the many reasons I love doing couples therapy is that I get to meet many “therapy virgins.” Folks that have never darkened the door of a therapist’s office because they never knew they needed to. And here they come. Begrudgingly, of course. Being dragged by a partner that is not happy with how they are showing up in the relationship. 

“You go see someone or I am out!” A little leverage goes a long way. 

They walk into my office. Sit as far away as they can from me. And always have that look. You know the one that has written all over their face – just get me out of here as fast as you can and make this as painless as possible. 

I always start with that person. Seeing if I can crack their defenses with a little interest, human love and validation. And more times than not, the magic takes over. Some small part inside their well-practiced outside responds to the safe setting. 

“Maybe this is the place and time I can get your attention,” the small wounded child whispers to the practiced functioning adult sitting as far away from me as they possibly can. 

“Welcome to the sick bus,” I say. 

That’s the one I am on. Much better to be on the sick bus and know you are sick than on the alternative – the sick bus and not know you are sick. We’re the fun bus. We keep it real. We know that no one escapes childhood without a few scratches and bruises. Better to face the truth and do your work. That way, everyone wins.

Here are a few signs and symptoms of unhealed trauma – both a “T” and a “t” ~~

DepressionRageAddictionPTSDPainGuilt/ShameFlashbacksSleep IssuesFear of abandonmentFear of closenessGrandiosity

Don’t wait until someone gives you an ultimatum. So many ways to skin a cat. All you have to do is show up with your hand raised high. Life is too short to not squeeze it for all its juiciness. Welcome to the sick bus. 

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“You doing okay?”

How many times do we hear that?

How many times do we ask that?

The only time that question is appropriate is in the service industry. Your wait staff at your favorite restaurant can ask that. The flight attendant on a long flight (no longer a domestic one) can ask that. The hotel concierge can ask that. But you, as a partner and a parent, cannot.

Why?

Because your relationship should be deeper than basic survival. We want – and need – more than okay.

“Phew.” My partner/child is okay. No need to put more energy here. They are surviving fine without me having to work and put more energy into them. This attitude will not cut it for long-term, satisfying relationships. If someone is okay, surviving fine – that is not a free pass to attend to something else.

Rather, the better questions are – How are you? How are you doing? How are you feeling? Then shut up. Create the space for them to truly answer vs. the socially mandated “fine.” Give them the message that you want to know all the colors in their box. All the feels. Why? Because you are interested in them and your relationship with them.

The hotel staff and the airline crew do not really care how you are doing or about your emotional bond. They just want to keep customers satisfied enough as to sustain their paycheck. Thus, “you doing okay?” is perfectly acceptable.

But, if I am interested in a long-term, emotionally growing relationship with someone important in my life, best to open that can of worms all the way. Ask the full-throttle question. Then, sit back and enjoy the ride of your life. That of an emotionally engaged, full-range, direct contact relationship.

That’s how we do it.

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“Me too!” my curly-haired daughter and I yelled in unison while reading the silly cardboard book we picked up at the elementary school book sale. It was too fun not to scream it loudly. Besides, we wanted to make her brother laugh across the hall. It was our nightly comedy routine, at least in that quick chapter of their young lives.

In the book, the little girl’s mother performs an everyday feat and sure enough, her mini-me wants to do it too. No matter how grown-up the activity is, that gritty child is not going to be excluded. She is alive and present. Determined and willful.

When working with couples, I want to bring out that childhood book. I want to sing in unison, “me too!” Because somehow, in an intimate partnership, it becomes a delicate challenge.

It is often “no me.” You count, I don’t. You win, I lose. Your way, not mine. You are big, I stay small. You talk, I shut up. Until, of course, the resentment stacks in the corner of my heart and begins to smell like yesterday’s garbage. Then, just to stay alive, I’ll either get TOO BIG, or manipulative and sneaky or depressed and withdrawn. Thus, “no me” is not sustainable. It does not make for a healthy long-term relationship. Perhaps it is easier, at least for a while. But eventually, a price will be paid. An expense that could tank the whole relationship.

And then there is the reverse … “all me.” Bring in the grandiose, super-sized, need to be right and have the last word. I’m the steamroller to your pancake. The alpha. The non-yielder. The take-all-the-space. I might be happy in that I am the royal in the castle. But, at the end of the day, I am alone. No one calls me on my bullshit, makes me own my humanity. No one. reminds me that I put on my britches just like everyone else. That being messy and vulnerable is a lot more fun.

“Me too!” is a much better way to go. Alive and present. Determined and willful. Gritty enough to hold your own while yielding space for others to do the same. Staying grounded in me while being engaged with you. Protected and connected. That’s the ticket.

In unison now, “me too!”

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