Sabrina Zbasnik's Blog
September 2, 2020
All Hallows Read Posters 2020
It's been a challenging year and for a time I thought making posters for this year might not be welcomed. But Halloween never dies! Even if your class is your bedroom, please enjoy these posters for All Hallows Read.
This is my tenth year making free posters for anyone to share and use to advertise All Hallows Read. Free!
I've hosted the full sized files at dropbox. They're also at deviantart, if that's easier to download off of.
I don't put a year on any of the posters, so you can reuse any of the old ones you'd like such as:
2019 - Good Omens, Sharks, Genies, and More
2018 – Ravens, Ribcages, Pirates, and More
2017 - Typewriters, Fairies, Creepy Wallpaper, and Biohazards
2016 - Pumpkin, Skeletons, Haunted Books, and More
2015 - Trees, Haunted Globe, Bats, and More
2014 - Raven, Grave Reflection, and more
2013 - Fairy Witch, Tentacle, and others
2012 - Spiders and Bats and Mummies
2011 - Universal Monsters
You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you'd like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you'd like. Time is meaningless!
Now let's get to the new ones!
This year's theme should seem pretty obvious.
Haunted House - "I know not how it was—but, with the first glimpse of the building, a sense of insufferable gloom pervaded my spirit."
Chained - "The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge."
Party Prince - "Even with the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made."
Raven - "To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core"
You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you’d like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you’d like. Time is meaningless!
Once again, they’re all free, all of ’em. So download the links, print, and decorate to your heart’s content.
December 7, 2019
Featured Author
I'm a featured author in the December issue of Uncaged Book Reviews. Check it out to read my interview and learn more about Pride & Pancakes!
February 28, 2019
Squire Hayseed
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Not a hero. Not a chosen one. Hayley is only a survivor.
At fourteen, Hayley finds herself with a choice -- hang for being caught stealing or become a squire. She knows nothing about the world of knights, chivalry, swords, and horses, but she knows a lot about death. In this coming-of-age tale, Hayley discovers there's more to not only the Order of Knights, but the world around her and the strength that lurks inside her heart.
Not a hero. Not a chosen one. Hayley is only a survivor.
At fourteen, Hayley finds herself with a choice -- hang for being caught stealing or become a squire. She knows nothing about the world of knights, chivalry, swords, and horses, but she knows a lot about death. In this coming-of-age tale, Hayley discovers there's more to not only the Order of Knights, but the world around her and the strength that lurks inside her heart.
November 10, 2018
Pameper Yourself Giveaway!
Pamper Yourself this holiday season with an exclusive giveaway worth over $100!
Paperback copy of Undercover SirenPaperback copy of FeverPaperback copy of Trials of ArtemisPaperback copy of The Rigel AffairPaperback copy of Through The FirePaperback copy of Z.O.S. eBook copy of Almost A QueenLip exfoliator Lip balm tintActivated charcoal mask Smoky eye shadowPurple eye shadowBrown sugar hand lotionSweet pea bath bombLip balm And a surprise book!
To Enter, Fill Out The Form Below.
If it does not load properly, click here.
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Meet the Authors Behind This Great Deal:
Ellen Mint
WEBSITE | AMAZON | BOOKBUB | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
Sue London
WEBSITE | AMAZON | BOOKBUB | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
LM Hedrick
WEBSITE | AMAZON | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
Valerie Puissant
WEBSITE | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
Kay Merkel Boruff
WEBSITE | AMAZON | BOOKBUB | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
Laura du Pre
WEBSITE | AMAZON | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
Paperback copy of Undercover SirenPaperback copy of FeverPaperback copy of Trials of ArtemisPaperback copy of The Rigel AffairPaperback copy of Through The FirePaperback copy of Z.O.S. eBook copy of Almost A QueenLip exfoliator Lip balm tintActivated charcoal mask Smoky eye shadowPurple eye shadowBrown sugar hand lotionSweet pea bath bombLip balm And a surprise book! To Enter, Fill Out The Form Below.
If it does not load properly, click here.
a Rafflecopter giveaway
Meet the Authors Behind This Great Deal:
Ellen Mint
WEBSITE | AMAZON | BOOKBUB | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
Sue London
WEBSITE | AMAZON | BOOKBUB | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
LM Hedrick
WEBSITE | AMAZON | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
Valerie Puissant
WEBSITE | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
Kay Merkel Boruff
WEBSITE | AMAZON | BOOKBUB | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
~*~*~
Laura du Pre
WEBSITE | AMAZON | GOODREADS | FACEBOOK
September 4, 2018
All Hallows Read Posters 2018
September is the stepping stone to October and we all know what that means, time to get ready for
All Hallows Read
. What better way than with a free poster or five?
This is my eighth year making free posters for anyone to share and use to advertise All Hallows Read. Free!
I've hosted the full sized files at dropbox. They're also at deviantart, if that's easier to download off of.
I don't put a year on any of the posters, so you can reuse any of the old ones you'd like such as:
2017 - Typewriters, Fairies, Creepy Wallpaper, and Biohazards
2016 - Pumpkin, Skeletons, Haunted Books, and More
2015 - Trees, Haunted Globe, Bats, and More
2014 - Raven, Grave Reflection, and more
2013 - Fairy Witch, Tentacle, and others
2012 - Spiders and Bats and Mummies
2011 - Universal Monsters
You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you'd like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you'd like. Time is meaningless!
Now let's get to the new ones!
Raven -- When the ravens perch upon the lamppost, it's going to be a spooky night.
Ribs - When you don't have a bag, you have to make due after visiting the library.
Pirates -- The high seas are calling and cursed pirates abound.
Death in Green -- A horrifying visage invites you into his lair. Overlaid with the text from The Tell Tale Heart
Reaper -- The fields need tending on this All Hallows Eve
Once again, they're all free, all of 'em. So download the links, print, and decorate to your heart's content.
Enjoy!
This is my eighth year making free posters for anyone to share and use to advertise All Hallows Read. Free!
I've hosted the full sized files at dropbox. They're also at deviantart, if that's easier to download off of.
I don't put a year on any of the posters, so you can reuse any of the old ones you'd like such as:
2017 - Typewriters, Fairies, Creepy Wallpaper, and Biohazards
2016 - Pumpkin, Skeletons, Haunted Books, and More
2015 - Trees, Haunted Globe, Bats, and More
2014 - Raven, Grave Reflection, and more
2013 - Fairy Witch, Tentacle, and others
2012 - Spiders and Bats and Mummies
2011 - Universal Monsters
You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you'd like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you'd like. Time is meaningless!
Now let's get to the new ones!
Raven -- When the ravens perch upon the lamppost, it's going to be a spooky night.
Ribs - When you don't have a bag, you have to make due after visiting the library.
Pirates -- The high seas are calling and cursed pirates abound.
Death in Green -- A horrifying visage invites you into his lair. Overlaid with the text from The Tell Tale Heart
Reaper -- The fields need tending on this All Hallows Eve
Once again, they're all free, all of 'em. So download the links, print, and decorate to your heart's content.
Enjoy!
November 1, 2017
Halloween 2017!
And what should greet us on the typical late October day when the dead are said to walk the earth?
Why snow, of course.
From about noon until 6 it snowed fat, white flakes. No ghost, goblins, or ghouls were spared.
But I'm sure you're here for pictures of the Skeleton Petting Zoo
The newest addition was my dragon.
And a little triceratops skeleton for the zoo.
Check out the video to see all the display at work:
Why snow, of course.
From about noon until 6 it snowed fat, white flakes. No ghost, goblins, or ghouls were spared.
But I'm sure you're here for pictures of the Skeleton Petting Zoo
The newest addition was my dragon.
And a little triceratops skeleton for the zoo.
Check out the video to see all the display at work:
September 1, 2017
All Hallows Read Posters 2017
September is the stepping stone to October and we all know what that means, time to get ready for
All Hallows Read
. What better way than with a free poster or four?
This is my seventh year making free posters for anyone to share and use to advertise All Hallows Read. Free!
I'm trying something a bit different by hosting the files at dropbox. They're also at deviantart, if that's easier to download off of.
I don't put a year on any of the posters, so you can reuse any of the old ones you'd like such as:
2016 - Pumpkin, Skeletons, Haunted Books, and More
2015 - Trees, Haunted Globe, Bats, and More
2014 - Raven, Grave Reflection, and more
2013 - Fairy Witch, Tentacle, and others
2012 - Spiders and Bats and Mummies
2011 - Universal Monsters
You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you'd like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you'd like. Time is meaningless!
Now let's get to the new ones!
Torn - Things are getting stranger around here when an eerie message appears on the tattered wallpaper of an abandoned house.
Slime - Who doesn't love to dig handfuls of gooey slime out of the mysterious meteorite strike? Warning: May discover secretly unknown super powers or grow extra limbs. Alien larva discovered squatting inside of your thoracic cavity are not affiliated with Slime-n-Goo industries. If ingested please consult a mortician.
Firefairies - The firefairies are hard at work in anticipation of the coming solstice. But don't get too close, these fairies sting with a powerful bite that won't stop until your skeleton is burned free of its flesh sack.
Typewriter - Click clack go the keys. Click clack rattle the bones. The writer doesn't hear the echo until it's too late.
Typewriter Gif - If you want to do some digital promotion, I also made a motion poster (gif) of the typewriter.
Once again, they're all free, all of 'em. So download the links, print, and decorate to your heart's content.
Enjoy!
This is my seventh year making free posters for anyone to share and use to advertise All Hallows Read. Free!
I'm trying something a bit different by hosting the files at dropbox. They're also at deviantart, if that's easier to download off of.
I don't put a year on any of the posters, so you can reuse any of the old ones you'd like such as:
2016 - Pumpkin, Skeletons, Haunted Books, and More
2015 - Trees, Haunted Globe, Bats, and More
2014 - Raven, Grave Reflection, and more
2013 - Fairy Witch, Tentacle, and others
2012 - Spiders and Bats and Mummies
2011 - Universal Monsters
You can download the whole lot for this year from a file here right now if you'd like. I also included all of the past years in the dropbox file so you can add whatever you want whenever you'd like. Time is meaningless!
Now let's get to the new ones!
Torn - Things are getting stranger around here when an eerie message appears on the tattered wallpaper of an abandoned house.
Slime - Who doesn't love to dig handfuls of gooey slime out of the mysterious meteorite strike? Warning: May discover secretly unknown super powers or grow extra limbs. Alien larva discovered squatting inside of your thoracic cavity are not affiliated with Slime-n-Goo industries. If ingested please consult a mortician.
Firefairies - The firefairies are hard at work in anticipation of the coming solstice. But don't get too close, these fairies sting with a powerful bite that won't stop until your skeleton is burned free of its flesh sack.
Typewriter - Click clack go the keys. Click clack rattle the bones. The writer doesn't hear the echo until it's too late.
Typewriter Gif - If you want to do some digital promotion, I also made a motion poster (gif) of the typewriter.
Once again, they're all free, all of 'em. So download the links, print, and decorate to your heart's content.
Enjoy!
July 22, 2017
Handmaids Tale Short Story
Back in June I wrote a short story to enter into Wattpad's contest tied in with Hulu and The Handmaids Tale. It was to be something inspired and set in that world but not using any of the characters or plot. Oh, and only 500 words.
I'm sharing because I found out that my story The Flood got chosen as one of the Top 25.
They'll eventually pick 10 out of those to be the real winners (or already have, it's hard to tell), but it's just nice to be nominated.
I'm sharing because I found out that my story The Flood got chosen as one of the Top 25.
They'll eventually pick 10 out of those to be the real winners (or already have, it's hard to tell), but it's just nice to be nominated.
March 19, 2017
Free Books
For the past year I've lost my mind and taken to writing a ton of Dragon Age fanfic.
I collected all four books about my Cullen and the Hero of Ferelden into one giant one, which you can download for free at Smashwords.
My Love
The entire series of my Cullen and Lana Amell stories as they travel from Kirkwall to Skyhold and beyond. A what if story if the mage Warden required Cullen's assistance while he was in Kirkwall. After connecting in the deep roads, they begin to rekindle their momentary romance in Skyhold. But with Adamant looming, it's not meant to be.
Romance, humor, pain, loss, and a few happy tears during this colossal epic that crosses all of thedas. From Ferelden to Tevinter and beyond, the story includes many familiar Dragon Age faces from Alistair to Zevran and everyone in the middle.
Contains My Warden, My Templar, My Hope, and My Future in chronological order.
Read the entire epic in one book with a few special pictures.
Or there's the latest one I just finished up about Alistair falling in love with his bodyguard.
Guarded Love
Alistair's life isn't all bad. He's King, he's got two kids he adores, a wife he's vaguely aware exists, and pants that fit. The only thing missing in that blissful domestic picture is someone to love. But all in all, things were weirdly working out for him.
That all changes when assassins dare to come after him and his children on the little prince's naming day. With a threat brash enough to attack the King in broad daylight, he takes on a personal bodyguard. Picked seemingly at random from the City Watch, Reiss thought she was little more than an average elf trying to make it in thedas. Now it's all on her to keep the King alive against this enigmatic threat and try to ignore the fact she keeps blushing whenever he smiles.
A follow up to my Cullen/Amell saga My Love.
I collected all four books about my Cullen and the Hero of Ferelden into one giant one, which you can download for free at Smashwords.
My Love
The entire series of my Cullen and Lana Amell stories as they travel from Kirkwall to Skyhold and beyond. A what if story if the mage Warden required Cullen's assistance while he was in Kirkwall. After connecting in the deep roads, they begin to rekindle their momentary romance in Skyhold. But with Adamant looming, it's not meant to be.Romance, humor, pain, loss, and a few happy tears during this colossal epic that crosses all of thedas. From Ferelden to Tevinter and beyond, the story includes many familiar Dragon Age faces from Alistair to Zevran and everyone in the middle.
Contains My Warden, My Templar, My Hope, and My Future in chronological order.
Read the entire epic in one book with a few special pictures.
Or there's the latest one I just finished up about Alistair falling in love with his bodyguard.
Guarded Love
Alistair's life isn't all bad. He's King, he's got two kids he adores, a wife he's vaguely aware exists, and pants that fit. The only thing missing in that blissful domestic picture is someone to love. But all in all, things were weirdly working out for him.That all changes when assassins dare to come after him and his children on the little prince's naming day. With a threat brash enough to attack the King in broad daylight, he takes on a personal bodyguard. Picked seemingly at random from the City Watch, Reiss thought she was little more than an average elf trying to make it in thedas. Now it's all on her to keep the King alive against this enigmatic threat and try to ignore the fact she keeps blushing whenever he smiles.
A follow up to my Cullen/Amell saga My Love.
January 8, 2017
The Cake
It's that time when I pull out my pitiful cake decorating skills all in honor of my husband's birth. I give you his banana birthday cake for 2017.
I decided to not want to try too hard, so I added drops of food dye to the frosting and then proceeded to mash it all around to create a lazy tie-die look.
To the frosting and cake itself I added some rum flavor to make it taste a bit more like banana's foster. But we're mostly here to marinate in my terrible decorating skills over the years. Let 'er rip!
Today my husband adds another notch on that old belt of life. Which means I once again must don the mantle of butcher, baker and candlestick maker.
After the balors, vampires, and mind flayers have been butchered it's baking time.
If you missed the cakes of yester-year here's a quick reminder of why I will never replace Martha Stewart or anyone who's ever properly held a piping bag.
This madness, this odd tradition of my wallowing in incompetence began years ago with this cake:
Truly it is a modern expression in the play of black against blue then held down and forced to swallow yellow play-dough. Oh and then a few sprinkles for funsies. She is the cake we must never forget or it'll break into your house and steal your furniture.
This is such a bad cake it was put on the no fly list - twice.
The next year, despite all common sense I actually tried with piping bags and everything:
Adorable baby sea turtle sprinkles covers all shame. I wish I could explain the ectoplasm ringing the sides but I assume I had to fight a giant portrait of a member of a hair metal band that was looking for a baby and had to run.
Then I went avant garde, post-modern, and other fancy sounding terms that means I meant for it to look like that and you can't prove I didn't.
Why is the cake a teal color? Who knows. Why does it seem to be constantly oozing over the side? Because I want it to. Why does it...? That's enough questions now Mr. Nosey, nosey pants.
One year I went ambitious on the cake aspect and less so on the covering in frosting approximating something like decorations.
I broke from the typical banana cake mold (which I'd only spice up on occasion) to make one of Celebration Generation's Banana's Foster cake. I did a few things differently.
1. I added a banana back to the batter along with a bit of creme de banana for that super yellow fruit kick.
2. I completely forgot to add the pudding until I had the batter sitting in the pans waiting for the oven. This then lead to a lot of cursing, repouring into the bowl, remixing, repouring into the pans and a good 10 minutes into baking when I remembered "Oh shit, I didn't re-grease the pans."
So, naturally, the cake was less than forgiving about exiting from said pans and while one layer only had a crack here and there the other was condemned after an 8.9 earthquake crumbled its foundation.
The sides held in tact only through willpower and a heavy dose of duct tape while the middle bottomed out. Once it finished cooling over night I, with the help of an excavation team, moved that crumbling mess to the cake stand and swore it would never move again.
Then came the filling, that was done mostly the same, but due to structural problems (as in there was none) I didn't torte anything in favor of digging a bit into the cake and then dumping in all of the banana and brown sugar into the middle and sealing its banana tomb with the second cake.
Frosting, oh yes frosting. This was luckily my second attempt at making my own buttercream frosting, and despite the fact I own neither double boiler or stand mixer I manage to make some nice tasting spackle. Is it supposed to be that consistency? I have no idea but its edible and it clings to things, it's doing far better than most previous attempts.
Here she is, my husband's Birthday Banana's Foster Cake:
You'll note the dedication to piling all of the frosting on with a spoon and then swiping at it as a bear does intruding camera crews. A swipe here, a swipe there, eh I'm tired, let's go see what's at the dump.
Here are the guts of the cake, you'll note the single banana layer tucked away waiting patiently for the signal to kill.
Last year I went my version of old school, simple banana cake which I added some nutmeg, cinnamon and a whole lot of rum to.
And for the frosting even lazier, a cream cheese to which I poured in a capfull of banana liquor and then accidentally dumped a good ounce worth of rum.
But you're here for the picture.
If you're wondering why the cake is a strange green/salmoney color there's a perfectly logical explanation for that.
...
.....
........Look over there!
I also didn't cover the sides because I ran out of frosting. I could have made more frosting but then it wouldn't look like a dirt clod half dug out of the grass. You know, a traditional birthday cake.
So to 2014's big banana birthday cake I decided to go old school and once again try my attempts at creating something with a theme and all.
If you thought through that whole tutorial that my largest problem is that I never tried and surely over the years I had to get better, your undiluted optimism makes me smile and shake my head sadly.
What I tried to do was create an RPG map with the green being a graveyard, the lump of frosting being mountains, and behind is some yellow sugar to mimic the desert. Because there's always a desert. (The candles are supposed to be quest markers)
What you actually have is a cocoa cream cheese frosting I flopped onto the cake with the skill of a drunk man fighting with pudding fairies. The mountains were because I had a ton of leftover and I wasn't about to let it go to waste. Instead of pasting on another layer, I just lobbed it at the cake and called it a landscape feature.
So, as you can see, even when I try and have a theme and get fancy sprinkles, it still approaches an abomination that must be sliced up and consumed lest its evil infest the entire world!
something happened this year, something I cannot explain even under threat of "How many lights are there?"
Last year in 2015, something weird happened.
I made a decent looking cake.
Believe me, I'm more shocked than you. This has never happened when I've tried, when I haven't tried, when I've dropped the cake side first into frosting and smeared it with a fork (By the by, if you want a bloody looking cake, try to frost Red Velvet with a butterknife. Massacre cake!)
Here is my husband's birthday cake.
Why is it Dessert at Tiffany's Blue? Because I had a lot of blue food dye but not enough to take it to the next teeth staining level.
What's with the crystals speckled throughout like fly poop? Run with what you have, also crystal fly poop is gonna be huge!
And the spiderwebs...I dumped some black frosting into a bag, snipped the end, and had it dribble in a line. After that there was only one way to go: massive spider invasion.
Apparently I cannot use fancy piping tips, but give me a ziploc bag and I'll pipe out a decent spiderweb. It's that time again, the one day of the year when I show off to the world that no, I do not have the Martha Stewart, Pinterest approved decorating skills. Cakes and the art of making them pretty is something I have never and will never be able to accomplish. I should have my piping bag (which I never use) locked up (way ahead of you), and have the rank of lady stripped from my name because I cannot frost a cake.
But I still try for my husband because he's always celebrated with a banana cake for his birthday and I guess I love him and stuff. Shut up!
This being the internet and all, you can laugh at my failure along with me. This is the 2016 birthday cake.
I've never had a proper arch-nemesis before but this cake was pushing close to that title. I don't know what it was that I did to anger the baking gods, but I cursed a storm at the batter that splattered all over the place and the baked cakes that decided they rather enjoyed being in the pan and had no intention to leave.
But, after the liberal use of threats by butter knife, I finally scrapped both out and it was time for frosting.
Once again, the cake proved wilier than I anticipated. I think there's still chocolate frosting on the ceiling somewhere. After employing both spatula, spreader, and my fingers I managed to shellac the cake in a coating of chocolate cream cheese frosting. Next time I'm using a trowel and a caulk gun. It'd probably go better.
As for the decorations... We've been in a bit of a Fallout rut here lately, so I suppose this is my landscape/post apocalyptic cake.
There's a beautiful sea teaming with shark corpses:
The only bit of green laden in flattened turtle shells (good for the radioactive soil):
And in the deserts, there was a raider attack on the settlement of the gingerbread people. (Yes, that is food dye to mimic blood, I am that twisted)
Also, due to sprinkle incompetence, a shark is buried in the middle of the mountain range. Try to explain THAT science!
And those are all the cakes of Birthday past. Tune back in next year when the cake and I finally come to blows. In the end, only one will be left standing.
I decided to not want to try too hard, so I added drops of food dye to the frosting and then proceeded to mash it all around to create a lazy tie-die look.
To the frosting and cake itself I added some rum flavor to make it taste a bit more like banana's foster. But we're mostly here to marinate in my terrible decorating skills over the years. Let 'er rip!
Today my husband adds another notch on that old belt of life. Which means I once again must don the mantle of butcher, baker and candlestick maker.
After the balors, vampires, and mind flayers have been butchered it's baking time.
If you missed the cakes of yester-year here's a quick reminder of why I will never replace Martha Stewart or anyone who's ever properly held a piping bag.
This madness, this odd tradition of my wallowing in incompetence began years ago with this cake:
Truly it is a modern expression in the play of black against blue then held down and forced to swallow yellow play-dough. Oh and then a few sprinkles for funsies. She is the cake we must never forget or it'll break into your house and steal your furniture.This is such a bad cake it was put on the no fly list - twice.
The next year, despite all common sense I actually tried with piping bags and everything:
Adorable baby sea turtle sprinkles covers all shame. I wish I could explain the ectoplasm ringing the sides but I assume I had to fight a giant portrait of a member of a hair metal band that was looking for a baby and had to run.Then I went avant garde, post-modern, and other fancy sounding terms that means I meant for it to look like that and you can't prove I didn't.
Why is the cake a teal color? Who knows. Why does it seem to be constantly oozing over the side? Because I want it to. Why does it...? That's enough questions now Mr. Nosey, nosey pants.One year I went ambitious on the cake aspect and less so on the covering in frosting approximating something like decorations.
I broke from the typical banana cake mold (which I'd only spice up on occasion) to make one of Celebration Generation's Banana's Foster cake. I did a few things differently.
1. I added a banana back to the batter along with a bit of creme de banana for that super yellow fruit kick.
2. I completely forgot to add the pudding until I had the batter sitting in the pans waiting for the oven. This then lead to a lot of cursing, repouring into the bowl, remixing, repouring into the pans and a good 10 minutes into baking when I remembered "Oh shit, I didn't re-grease the pans."
So, naturally, the cake was less than forgiving about exiting from said pans and while one layer only had a crack here and there the other was condemned after an 8.9 earthquake crumbled its foundation.
The sides held in tact only through willpower and a heavy dose of duct tape while the middle bottomed out. Once it finished cooling over night I, with the help of an excavation team, moved that crumbling mess to the cake stand and swore it would never move again.
Then came the filling, that was done mostly the same, but due to structural problems (as in there was none) I didn't torte anything in favor of digging a bit into the cake and then dumping in all of the banana and brown sugar into the middle and sealing its banana tomb with the second cake.
Frosting, oh yes frosting. This was luckily my second attempt at making my own buttercream frosting, and despite the fact I own neither double boiler or stand mixer I manage to make some nice tasting spackle. Is it supposed to be that consistency? I have no idea but its edible and it clings to things, it's doing far better than most previous attempts.
Here she is, my husband's Birthday Banana's Foster Cake:
You'll note the dedication to piling all of the frosting on with a spoon and then swiping at it as a bear does intruding camera crews. A swipe here, a swipe there, eh I'm tired, let's go see what's at the dump.Here are the guts of the cake, you'll note the single banana layer tucked away waiting patiently for the signal to kill.
Last year I went my version of old school, simple banana cake which I added some nutmeg, cinnamon and a whole lot of rum to.
And for the frosting even lazier, a cream cheese to which I poured in a capfull of banana liquor and then accidentally dumped a good ounce worth of rum.
But you're here for the picture.
If you're wondering why the cake is a strange green/salmoney color there's a perfectly logical explanation for that....
.....
........Look over there!
I also didn't cover the sides because I ran out of frosting. I could have made more frosting but then it wouldn't look like a dirt clod half dug out of the grass. You know, a traditional birthday cake.
So to 2014's big banana birthday cake I decided to go old school and once again try my attempts at creating something with a theme and all.
If you thought through that whole tutorial that my largest problem is that I never tried and surely over the years I had to get better, your undiluted optimism makes me smile and shake my head sadly.
What I tried to do was create an RPG map with the green being a graveyard, the lump of frosting being mountains, and behind is some yellow sugar to mimic the desert. Because there's always a desert. (The candles are supposed to be quest markers)
What you actually have is a cocoa cream cheese frosting I flopped onto the cake with the skill of a drunk man fighting with pudding fairies. The mountains were because I had a ton of leftover and I wasn't about to let it go to waste. Instead of pasting on another layer, I just lobbed it at the cake and called it a landscape feature.So, as you can see, even when I try and have a theme and get fancy sprinkles, it still approaches an abomination that must be sliced up and consumed lest its evil infest the entire world!
something happened this year, something I cannot explain even under threat of "How many lights are there?"
Last year in 2015, something weird happened.
I made a decent looking cake.
Believe me, I'm more shocked than you. This has never happened when I've tried, when I haven't tried, when I've dropped the cake side first into frosting and smeared it with a fork (By the by, if you want a bloody looking cake, try to frost Red Velvet with a butterknife. Massacre cake!)
Here is my husband's birthday cake.
Why is it Dessert at Tiffany's Blue? Because I had a lot of blue food dye but not enough to take it to the next teeth staining level.What's with the crystals speckled throughout like fly poop? Run with what you have, also crystal fly poop is gonna be huge!
And the spiderwebs...I dumped some black frosting into a bag, snipped the end, and had it dribble in a line. After that there was only one way to go: massive spider invasion.
Apparently I cannot use fancy piping tips, but give me a ziploc bag and I'll pipe out a decent spiderweb. It's that time again, the one day of the year when I show off to the world that no, I do not have the Martha Stewart, Pinterest approved decorating skills. Cakes and the art of making them pretty is something I have never and will never be able to accomplish. I should have my piping bag (which I never use) locked up (way ahead of you), and have the rank of lady stripped from my name because I cannot frost a cake.
But I still try for my husband because he's always celebrated with a banana cake for his birthday and I guess I love him and stuff. Shut up!
This being the internet and all, you can laugh at my failure along with me. This is the 2016 birthday cake.
I've never had a proper arch-nemesis before but this cake was pushing close to that title. I don't know what it was that I did to anger the baking gods, but I cursed a storm at the batter that splattered all over the place and the baked cakes that decided they rather enjoyed being in the pan and had no intention to leave.But, after the liberal use of threats by butter knife, I finally scrapped both out and it was time for frosting.
Once again, the cake proved wilier than I anticipated. I think there's still chocolate frosting on the ceiling somewhere. After employing both spatula, spreader, and my fingers I managed to shellac the cake in a coating of chocolate cream cheese frosting. Next time I'm using a trowel and a caulk gun. It'd probably go better.
As for the decorations... We've been in a bit of a Fallout rut here lately, so I suppose this is my landscape/post apocalyptic cake.
There's a beautiful sea teaming with shark corpses:
The only bit of green laden in flattened turtle shells (good for the radioactive soil):
And in the deserts, there was a raider attack on the settlement of the gingerbread people. (Yes, that is food dye to mimic blood, I am that twisted)
Also, due to sprinkle incompetence, a shark is buried in the middle of the mountain range. Try to explain THAT science!
And those are all the cakes of Birthday past. Tune back in next year when the cake and I finally come to blows. In the end, only one will be left standing.
