Audrey D. DeBoer's Blog

Hi friends!

Thanks so much for all the support you’ve shown me with the release of Vispilio so far. It’s so exciting as a writer to see your work in other people’s hands. It’s also been great to hear some of your theories for book two.

I’m excited to announce that the audiobook version of Vispilio will be available on June 3 wherever you listen to audiobooks, including library apps like Hoopla.

The audiobook is narrated by Jack Jacobs. Jack is an experienced performer who has been acting since a young age. He is an experienced audiobook narrator who has been recording in his home studio for three years. Jack has an MA in Acting from East 15 Acting school in London, and he also has a BA in Philosophy from the University of Hertfordshire. Jack was such a pleasure to work with and the result is incredible!

Pre-save Vispilio on Spotify, Barnes & Noble, or wherever you listen to audiobooks! (Audible link coming soon—check the Buy My Book page for updates.)

Photo courtesy of Pexels

I’m a Christian, but when I was nine I had my first panic attack.

I cried myself to sleep because I was afraid of change. Because the idea of dying scared me. Because heaven sounded boring, and eternity sounded terrifying.

When I was thirteen, I was terrified of throwing up. The terror would give me a stomachache, which made the terror worse. I put so much pressure on myself because I never felt like I was achieving enough, doing enough, being enough. (I’m a perfectionist. Can anyone relate?)

When I was sixteen, there were some nights I simply could not stop crying. Crying because I wasn’t good enough. Because I felt like my life was over, that I’d never be enough, do enough, achieve enough.

When I was nineteen, I lost 15 pounds in 3 months because I booked myself solid in college with no time to breathe, only time to panic and cry (but not to eat). I was an anxious ball of energy, every hour of the day. (Y’know, that whole perfectionist thing.)

All of those Audreys followed me into my 20s, even as the turbulent teenage years calmed down and I settled into myself. The telltale ghost of anxiety followed me. The stomach aches. The what-ifs. The endless cycles of worry. The inability to deal with any kind of uncertainty (COVID was certainly a fun time.)

Sometimes the anxiety was easy to ignore. Sometimes it wasn’t. But what it always was was something to fix or ignore or be ashamed of.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Everything in my life is so good.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s a burden to other people.

I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Think happy thoughts!

When I was twenty-eight going on twenty-nine, I woke up out of a dead sleep with my heart racing, my limbs locked up, nauseated, trembling. Something was wrong—but what? My brain decided to try to figure it out. We’re dying. We’re going crazy. We’re dying and going crazy.

“It just came out of nowhere,” I would tell people later on, including my counselor.

“But it really didn’t,” my counselor replied. And she was right.

It had been a long winter of no sunlight, little social interaction, and two viral illnesses. I was trying to navigate that dead of Michigan winter while recovering from back-to-back viral infections, isolated by snow and ice, constantly worrying about my health, constantly not feeling like myself. Feeling unmoored. Feeling chaotic.

Until I wasn’t able to fix or ignore it anymore and my body gave me a panic attack.

A panic attack that sent me to a psychiatrist because I legitimately thought I was losing my mind.

Since then, there has been no magic pill, no magic word, no “do this to stimulate your vagus nerve” to make me okay (as much as I wanted there to be one.)

I can’t fix it. I can’t ignore it. But I don’t have to be ashamed of it, either.

El Roi. You are the God who sees me.

When He sees me, He sees my anxiety, too. He sees every “what if” thought. He sees every fear. No thought is hidden from Him.

Panic attacks are basically huge rushes of adrenaline that set your body into fight-or-flight mode. They serve a purpose—they activate you to get ready to face the enemy or run away as fast as you can. But when there’s no real threat and your adrenaline rushes, your brain will come up with a reason for something to be wrong. It needs to make sense of what’s going on. The frontal lobe (the very rational part of your brain) shuts off. The amygdala (the “threat” response part of your brain) goes nuts, like a smoke alarm that needs new batteries.

Panic attacks can feel so visceral and life-threatening that a lot of people think they’re having a heart attack and go to the hospital. I was convinced I was on the brink of death.

With that rush of adrenaline came a long week of insomnia—getting maybe three hours of sleep a night. Those nights were full of prayers.

“God, just a little more sleep.”

“God, why?”

“God, how long?”

“God, are you there?”

“Help me.”

A few weeks after that panic attack, as I struggled with reactivated, resensitized anxiety I hadn’t felt in years, I walked through a cold parking lot toward my car and heard a voice:

“I’m with you. I’ve always been with you.”

I wept in my car on the way home, realizing that God was saying He’d been with me during that panic attack. He’d been with me on that week of sleepless nights when adrenaline kept me awake, too afraid to close my eyes. He formed my mind. He told me to trust Him with it.

Sometimes when we’re in a crisis, we don’t need someone to say the perfect thing to us. We just need them to be with us, to share the same space as us. When I was crying out to God in the middle of the night, I wanted to hear something.

I didn’t realize He was simply there with me, sitting with me as I trembled and cried and looked out the window onto the sleeping street.

Is trusting Him easy? No. Did He make it 100% okay after that? No.

I’m still not okay. (At the time of writing this, it’s only been about two months since that panic attack.)

But He sees me. And He sits with me. I know that now when I wake up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep.

If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

I’m a Christian with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Almost 7 million adults in the US suffer from GAD. GAD is characterized by excessive worry and the inability to control it. It manifests in physical symptoms—restlessness, inability to relax, digestive issues, heart palpitations, brain fog. Some say it’s a chemical imbalance, others say it’s situational—it doesn’t matter. It’s real.

I got physical help for my anxiety. The night of my panic attack, I asked God to help me. In the morning, my mom texted me about a local psychiatry office. God helped me through that referral. I work with a counselor. I work with a psychiatrist. Help is available, and Christians with GAD shouldn’t feel like they can only pray about it or trust God harder.

It’s not helpful that every online influencer (and sometimes, well-meaning friend) has a “fix” for it. Just tap your face. Just take a cold shower. Just drink this special tea. Just sleep better. Just pray about it.

All of those things work until they don’t. (I do love my chamomile tea and weighted blanket, though.)

What I’ve learned and am still learning (because I’m still highly anxious as I type this) is that most anxiety simply needs to be tolerated. If it’s “fixed,” it comes back. If it’s ignored, it comes back (worse). But if it’s tolerated, it becomes a channel in your brain that occasionally flips on, but doesn’t interrupt regularly scheduled broadcasting. (You know, like how most people handle every day, run-of-the-mill, non-disordered anxious thoughts.)

What I’ve learned and am still learning is that I cannot tolerate my anxiety without Christ.

Because in order to tolerate anxiety, you have to acknowledge it. And that’s scary. If you stare directly at a “what if” thought, it’s tempting to follow it. To listen to what it tells you to do (for me, it tells me to Google “why do I have a headache” and then plan my own funeral). If you stare directly at a fear, it’s easy to let it take you over like a wave.

But if I stand beside someone who conquered death, who finished the work, I can tolerate it. Even if He has to hold me. Even if I’m weeping and trembling.

I’m with you. I have always been with you.

The finished work means I don’t have to fix it and I don’t have to ignore it. The finished work doesn’t mean it will magically go away. But the finished work means I have hope in my despair. Because He saw my anxious heart, He saw my fearful thoughts, and He died for me anyway.

The anxiety is still there. I feel it now. It’s risen and fallen in me all day. It’s whispered secret fears to me. It’s made me lose my attention, made me feel uneasy, even made me despair.

The anxiety doesn’t get the last word on me, or on any Christian who suffers with GAD (or OCD, or bipolar, or schizophrenia, or any other unseen mental affliction that Christians don’t like to talk about.) It feels total. It feels world-shattering. It even feels world-ending.

The cross stands between me and my anxiety. It says, “She is mine. She is loved.”

The anxiety is still there, but so is the Christ who had the final word.

a.d.b.

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As of January 9, Vispilio is available to purchase wherever you purchase books, including:

AmazonBarnes & Noble Apple FableSmashWordsKobo

It’s also available to download through your local library through Hoopla!

Want to read the first chapter? Check it out here on Reedsy.

Thank you so much for your support—over the last week I’ve gotten so many texts and messages from people who have started reading, and it just warms my heart that my book is finding an audience. My goal in writing a book was not just to write a book—I want to support other writers on their journey, whether they are just starting or are close to publishing. If you have questions or want to chat about writing (I am ALWAYS down, let me tell you,) don’t hesitate to contact me!

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First of all, WOW.

Thank you all so much for your support. As an indie author, it’s been a long road getting my book out there (we won’t talk about how much I procrastinated over the last *checks notes* 15 years of my life to get this thing written).

It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you have people rooting for you. And I’m so blessed to have so many amazing cheerleaders in my life who have helped me get this far—from Veronica and Max, my book coaches (who were encouraging but very honest), to my beta readers Hannah, Julia, Christopher, and Ethan (who were also very honest and pointed out a few plot snags), to my writer’s group that’s been going strong since 2020, it literally took a village to get this to the finish line.

And we are SO CLOSE. I wanted to update y’all and let you know that Vispilio is available for preorder on Kindle and wherever you buy books. Paperback preorder is currently on hold—I’m working out a few things with the cover designer to get the right spread for Amazon to play nice.

If you like:

George R. R. MartinPatrick RothfussJohn GywnneJoe AbercrombieSwordsLight fantasy elements (no dragons, but dreams and portents!) Robin HoodArcherySnowy fight scenesLove trianglesFirst love tropesRebellious heroes Castles Morally gray antiheroes Medieval aesthetics

I think you will love Vispilio. If you can’t purchase it right now, I’d love it if you shelved it as to-read on Goodreads. I’m working to get the book available in libraries through Libby and Hoopla. And if you feel so led, please share the news and subscribe to my blog for more updates!

Vispilio will release on January 9, 2025.

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Hi, followers! I have great news. It’s news I’ve been working on for 15 years or more.

When I was 12 years old, I was assigned a project at school—write a short story. I loved this project, because I loved writing stories (I still do, obviously.)

My humble short story was entitled Enemy on the River—about the son of a lord in the Middle Ages who, in a Hamlet-esque twist of fate, found his father dead at the hands of a trusted friend. In another, Lion King-esque twist of fate (because truly, how different are Hamlet and The Lion King, really?), our hero runs off into the forest, where he befriends a misunderstood outlaw.

Little did I know that I was laying the groundwork for my debut novel, Vispilio.

This cross between Game of Thrones and Robin Hood is sure to delight fans of George R.R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Joe Abercrombie.

A stolen crown. Stolen memories. A legend reborn.

Antony Bronson has never known his past—as far as he knows, he’s the second son of his father Bron and has lived an unremarkable life in the village of Barnswood, other than a fateful fall from a tree that caused him to lose memories. But when rumors of a lost prince—the Prince Adrian who was supposed to have died in an act of war ten years before—begin to surface among the kingdom of Southborn, Antony begins to wonder if he’s been told the truth. So does Adelaide DuMont, the girl who had been destined to be the prince’s beloved, and Sir John, the hated son of the former king’s advisor. As Antony discovers his true identity, so does King Tanor, who will stop at nothing to make sure his crown is secure. To some a prince, to others a pretender, Antony must forge his own destiny—as the true king of Southborn, or as an enemy of the people. A thrilling adventure of political intrigue, royal drama, and a romance as old as Robin and Maid Marian.

I’m so excited to announce that Vispilio will be available wherever you buy books on January 9, 2025 in both physical and digital formats. (Stay tuned for more information on an audiobook version!)

If you want updates for where to buy or leave a review, please join my mailing list and you’ll be the first to know!

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The serious conversation. The tears. The social media purge. The bitterness. The moving on.

These are all things that happen in a romantic breakup. Usually. Sometimes it’s messier, sometimes it’s cleaner. But it almost always hurts. That’s why every year, we get a new heartbreak song from a top artist or a new rom-com that includes a (sometimes temporary, sometimes permanent) breakup in its plot.

But those things don’t just happen when a romantic relationship falls apart. It happens when friendships fall apart, too. And friendship breakups are something that don’t often get talked about.

Like the pain of a breakup, friendship splits can have lasting effects—on your self-esteem, ability to trust people, and feeling of identity. They can leave you second-guessing yourself, wondering if you were the problem all along, or getting bitter about how the situation went down. It almost always involves grief—the feeling that someone who should be in your life isn’t anymore. They haven’t passed away, but they’re not present, either.

Friendship breakups are more common than people might think. Of the people I’ve talked to about them, they seem more common among women. Since women have tendencies to be conflict-averse and don’t always communicate directly, that makes sense. However, friendship breakups can affect anyone. And whether male or female, it hurts everyone involved.

Why do friendships end?

Think about all of the friendships you’ve had in your life—or at least the ones you can remember (because hopefully, you’ve had a lot.) You’re probably not still friends with everyone you went to grade school with. Even if you had a core group of friends at that time, that core has probably changed. Why?

A lot of times, it just comes down to distance and proximity. Nothing major happened to end your friendship. You simply grew apart. I had a best friend in third grade who moved across the state. I remember laying on my mom’s bed and crying because I would miss her so much. And I did. We were still able to hang out a few times after she moved, but since we didn’t see each other every day, our friendship changed. At some point, the relationship we shared as third-graders ended. I’m still friends with her on Facebook and love to see updates from her, but we’re not swinging on swingsets or playing pretend with each other anymore (that would be weird, because we’re both 26.)

Other times, it’s because something more serious happened. Obvious things, like a betrayal of trust or a disagreement you simply can’t get past. Everyone makes mistakes, but some are easier to forgive in a friendship. I’ve definitely made significant mistakes in my friendships. When one of my best friends moved away for a short time, she told me that she felt neglected by me during her last night at home. It was a behavior I didn’t realize I was exuding, and I apologized to her profusely. We’re still friends even though she lives in another state, but again, our relationship has evolved.

Sometimes, we make mistakes that our friends can forgive, but not forget. A few years ago, I made an insensitive comment on social media that a close friend saw and took offense to. Without my realizing it, he removed me from social media. When I discovered we weren’t friends anymore, I asked him why. After he explained his side to me, I apologized as best as I could, but he said he simply couldn’t let me back into his life. It really hurt, but I did my best to respect his boundaries, and unfortunately, that friendship ended.

Friendships come and go throughout life. There’s your Captain Obvious statement for the day. We go different ways and grow different ways.

After a string of friendship breakups in my early twenties, I wondered if I was the problem. In some cases, I for sure was. Back in college, my best friend’s boyfriend broke up with her and immediately started dating someone he’d met a few months prior. I was absolutely livid. Having just gotten dumped myself, I was watching my best friend mourn a long-term relationship that ended dramatically. I lashed out hardcore at her ex-boyfriend, enough to get me blocked from his social media. I apologized to him later, but the damage had been done. What I did in no way helped my best friend heal. It just made the situation that much more traumatic.

I made choices to end friendships that I deeply regret. I’ve talked about breakups before in previous blogs, and honestly, I could’ve reposted that here and most of it would’ve made sense. Same with how to deal with anger. I’ve even told some of the same stories.

A few years ago, I thought I had a group of “rock friends” that I would never grow apart from. Today, that friend group looks very different. A lot of it changed because of a doozy of a friendship breakup that was one of the most challenging situations in the last three years of my life, and one that’s forced me to do a lot of growing up, reflecting, mourning, and healing.

My story

I’ll keep my story short in this blog. If you want to hear the whole story and how I navigated this situation, I was able to share it with two wonderful friends on their podcast about grief. Feel free to listen and then return to this post!

My “rock friends” were a core group of friends I had in college, and even after we graduated, I thought we’d be inseparable. In college, all of us lived together. After college, three of us lived together. A year later, it was down to just two—me and one of my closest friends. While we were different in a lot of ways, we had a lot in common, and we got along even as roommates. I have so many good memories from that time—so many movie nights, late night talks, dance parties, and naps on opposite sides of the couch. Things weren’t perfect, but they were good.

Something happened. To this day, I don’t know what. I’ve heard pieces and parts from mutual friends about what might have happened, but it remains vague. One spring, it seemed like a switch flipped inside my friend—she didn’t talk to me or interact with me as much around the apartment. If I interacted with her in public, she avoided me or gave me the cold shoulder.

I knew something was wrong. I asked my best friend (not the one living with me) about it. She said I should definitely talk to my roommate. I asked my counselor about it. She gave me pointers for how to approach it with my friend, whether “it” was conflict or something else. I never did, and I regret that to this day. I was too afraid to find out what it might be that upset her. Broken communication was one major thing that, in my opinion, ended our friendship.

In the end, she was the one to say something. She told me our friendship had become toxic. She said we couldn’t be friends “right now.” It legitimately felt like being broken up with. That entire day afterward feels like a haze.

I asked my other friend if I was toxic after that interaction. And what she said stuck with me, and it’s been something I’ve tried to hold on to for the last three years.

“People aren’t toxic. Situations can be.”

Together, my ex-friend and I created a toxic situation in our apartment. One where we couldn’t talk to one another about what was bothering us, and one where we no longer trusted each other. I contributed to the environment, and so did she. After the “breakup,” we still had three months left on our lease. Living with someone who you used to care deeply about but now resents you for reasons you don’t know is painful. I lost a rock friend. I lived with a stranger.

Not much happened the last summer we lived together, other than both of us taking the occasional passive-aggressive digs at one another. She left a wine glass I’d given her as a gift next to a full trash bag in plain sight, ready to be taken out with the garbage. I took the coffee maker into my room after she made a mess of grounds on the counter. Slowly, I erased myself from our living space. Super petty, but not justified. We were both going through the stages of grief while still living with one another.

It’s been over three years. The pain is still there. And like I said before, that experience has changed how I make friends. It was a time in my life that shaped my identity. When I realized almost a year later that I needed to go back to counseling, it was something I talked about often. And today, the emotions still bubble up, especially when I get it in my head to “check up” on my ex-friend. Sometimes, I find things that are obviously pointed at me and the damage I did.

A friend of mine has described it as a burn on my skin. It’s not healed, so when it’s touched, it hurts a lot. It elicits a strong, immediate response. And when I’m tempted to touch it, it slows the healing process. I’ll touch it out of pride, out of anger, out of fear, and boom. All the feelings are back.

It was a life-shaping event, but it shouldn’t have to define me now. Just like any friend breakup in my past, it can stay in the past, while I take with me the lessons I learned. It doesn’t mean I have to be perfect. It doesn’t mean I’ll never make mistakes again. But it does mean I can be a better communicator, a sympathetic ear, and a good friend, Lord willing.

Takeaways

Pain truly is one of life’s greatest teachers. It’s taught me a lot of things about friendships, good and bad. I hope the things I’ve learned can be helpful to you. If you’re like most people, you’ve probably experienced a friend breakup. And if you’re like most people, you probably don’t talk about it much.

Be patient with yourself. Just like in any breakup, healing won’t happen overnight. It’s going to hurt for a while. And it’s okay to be in that hurt for a while, too. After my friendship breakup, I vented a lot. I cried a lot. I obsessed over figuring out what went wrong. Then, I decided to write down the things I was feeling after the breakup: unloved, unworthy, and toxic. Then, I went to Scripture and found God’s promises. I am loved by Him, worthy through the blood of His Son, and I am His imperfect child. It helped me work through a lot of feelings.

Don’t lash out. In the age of social media, it’s really easy to say or post something you regret (believe me, I know.) And I’ve gotten close to lashing out more than a few times. Now, when I see or hear something that upsets me, I take a moment before rushing to conclusions. I imagine myself as a rock in a river, and the thing that was said is flowing around me, not through me. It’s shaping my outside, but the inside stays the same. It’s a trick from Stoicism and doesn’t work perfectly every time, but it at least helps me keep my emotions in check before I do something I regret.

See them as three-dimensional. After a breakup, it’s easy to heap the blame on the other person for hurting you, and then wish misery on them. After all, they’re such an inherently awful person to have done that to you. They must be like that all the time—a hateful, evil villain. But mustache-twirling, scheming Disney villains don’t exist. Even the worst of us are sometimes kind and thoughtful, and even the best of us are sometimes deceitful and cruel. Turning your ex-friend into a cardboard cutout to throw darts at doesn’t do you any favors—say nothing of them. By doing so, you’re growing bitterness and distrust in your own heart.

Set a boundary. Remember the friend who cut me off after the insensitive Facebook post? Later on, he reached out to me to see if I wanted to get coffee. At that point, I did not want to reconcile. Before, I had begged him to forgive me and be my friend again. But after talking to a counselor, I realized that I shouldn’t have to beg for people to stay in my life. A friendship you beg for is not a friendship you want. So I set my own boundary—because of the way he confronted me even after I apologized, I didn’t want that friendship. I spent a long time begging people to stay in my life, falling over myself apologizing because I never believed I could make it right. I’ll say again: You shouldn’t have to beg people to stay in your life.

The mouth speaks what the heart is full of. That Proverb came into my mind as I was struggling to sleep last night, debating whether or not I should either write or post this. My heart has been full of bitterness over friends I’ve lost. But I’ve seen what bitterness does to people. It compounds the hurt and the pain. Over time, I’ve tried to let go of the bitterness. And by the grace of the Holy Spirit, I’m slowly being set free from bitterness and distrust. My heart will never be 100% full of grace. But by being patient, tempering my anger, realizing someone’s humanity, and setting boundaries, I hope to grow a little bit more in my own heart and speak grace even to those who have caused me pain.

I hope this helps start more conversations about friendship breakups. They are real. The feelings that follow are valid. And you are not alone in your experience.

a. d. b.

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It is that time of year once again.

The time of year when I recover my WordPress password to Offer Unsolicited Opinions on Things You Don’t Care About.

Unless you do (thanks, SEO!) In which case, welcome to Auds Yells About Music (Again).

No Shaq. I don’t think I will.

Everyone’s talking about music at the end of the year. After all, it’s Spotify Wrapped time, which should be a national holiday. Back in 2022 with more questionable design choices than ever, Spotify Wrapped leaves some of us proud, many of us embarrassed, and all of us wondering why “Hotel California” is #25 on the playlist…when did I listen to that? Was it during my villain era?

But let’s rewind for a second. In 2021, I had the epiphany that movie soundtracks needed to become my entire personality. Last year, over 25 positions on my Spotify Unwrapped playlist were taken by a soundtrack of some sort. The year before, it was six.

Prepare yourself for 2022.

70 pieces of music from film, television, video game, or Broadway soundtracks made it onto my 101-track Spotify playlist.

Unsurprisingly, many of those tracks were from none other than Bear McCreary. While he came in second on my most-played artists list (Ramin Djawadi still reigns supreme), he had some of the most iconic music on my 2022 playlists come out. Because he released six soundtracks this year (fifteen if you include the episode-by-episode albums from The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power.)

2022 was an AMAZING year to be a soundtrack stan. We got a new Batman theme thanks to Michael Giacchino (and honestly, a deeply beautiful Riddler theme inspired by…Ave Maria?!) We got some fantastic, sparkling scores from Disney+ originals like Moon Knight and a cinematic remake of an 80s classic thanks to Stranger Things (no deals with God involved.) A few more favorites of mine included the prettiness that is the Bridgerton season 2 soundtrack, the weirdly amazing Lorne Balfe-Hans Zimmer Top Gun: Maverick score, and of course, Ramin Djawadi’s comeback for House of the Dragon, weaving in well-remembered Targaryen themes with new, mysterious, scheming ones.

But this blog post isn’t just me yelling incessantly about how good soundtracks are. I already did that. Nah, this one is all about Bear. The reason I know and love Bear is thanks to a little-known TV series known as Outlander. You’ve probably never heard of it. It’s not popular at all. Now in its sixth season, the series weaves themes of love, timeless romance, family, and history—and so does Bear’s score. (Just ask my husband. He gets to hear me belt out “SING ME A SONG” fairly regularly, without notice.)

I was shocked to learn that he also penned the scores for culturally notable media like The Walking Dead, Call of Duty, and Battlestar Galactica (which was actually his big break.)

Bear has stayed busy since. He has scored all six seasons of Outlander, a handful of Godzilla movies, and even some horror films like Happy Death Day, Freaky, and Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island. It’s no stretch to say that he is well-respected by the soundtrack industry.

2022 has been no exception for McCreary. Six film/video game/TV show scores later, I’m an even bigger fan of his. So this blog is dedicated to the albums he’s released this year—at least, the ones I’ve listened to. (Sorry, Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank wasn’t really on my must-listen list.)

Outlander Season 6 Original Soundtrack

Outlander season 6 felt all over the place for me, but the music was consistent. Bear is great at creating beautiful themes for each character and carrying them through the story brilliantly. We get classic themes like Jamie and Claire’s love theme and haunting “time travel” theme (sometimes sung, sometimes played on a hurdy-gurdy,) but with the introduction of new characters and relationships, we get some shiny new themes too. From Marva Christie’s theme that foreshadows her tragic end, to Tom Christie’s four-note dirge, and even a new love theme for Ian, which is beautifully heartbreaking. From this soundtrack, I especially loved “Come What May” and “I Am Not Alone,” due to the way Bear blends together so many themes for something stirring and anticipatory (season 6 ends on the mother of all cliffhangers!)

The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power Season 1 Soundtrack

My jaw hit the FLOOR when I found out Bear McCreary wrote the soundtrack to The Rings of Power. But don’t worry, original-trilogy stans—he got the blessing (and even the input) from OG Howard Shore. Shore specifically wrote the title theme, and I have a feeling he also had a part to play in “Where Shadows Lie,” which smacks of his original “One Ring” theme from the trilogy. The soundtrack was released first as one album, but after all the episodes were released, episode-by-episode albums were also released. And let me tell ya. They are chock full of incredibly moving, get-stuck-in-your-head-easily music. Since this is a bit meatier than the Outlander score, I’m going to break down this soundtrack even more.

Just as Shore did before him, McCreary used themes and leitmotifs as a driver for introducing and expressing a character’s growth throughout the season. For example, our first introduction to Galadriel’s theme is a solitary French horn—an instrument often used for a lone (often male!) hero. (Unironically, Shore used the French horn for Aragorn!) By the end of the series, her theme is developed and bombastic, backed by a full orchestra.

But as we know, Middle-Earth is chock full of characters. It’s hard to keep track of them. My mom still thinks Gollum is Frodo and vice versa. Having all of these different, well-developed themes helps us keep track of all of them. Take Halbrand, for example. His theme is simple and folksy, played on a melancholy hurdy-gurdy. His theme is also the theme of the Southlands, because he has deep ties to it (in more ways than one—WINK WINK.) And his theme and Galadriel’s theme have a similar structure. And it also foreshadows his true identity (spoiler ahead)—Sauron’s theme is Halbrand’s theme transposed.

In the middle of all that, we have themes for different people groups, cities, and secondary characters (how dare I call Elrond a secondary character.) McCreary’s blunt theme for Khazad-Dum uses an anvil chorus similar to Shore’s dwarf themes (which he got from the literal Anvil Chorus from the Ring Cycle.) Elrond’s theme is gentle and intelligent, like the man himself. And we get some lovely choral pieces—”A Plea to the Rocks,” co-written and performed by Sophia Nomvete (the dwarf ~queen~ herself), the Maori-esque “Nampat” (which feels very “Grond” to me, and if you know, you know,) and a dozen other choral moments that are absolutely perfect. Another one of my favorites is the arpeggiating “The Stranger” theme, which is just mysterious enough to make you wonder if he’s a good guy or a bad guy.

Check out the 38-track soundtrack, mainly consisting of theme music for characters, places, and moments. If you want to be hardcore, check out all 8 albums!

God of War: Ragnarok

The release of this album came as a huge surprise for me this year.

I first became aware of the album dropping when our lord and savior Hozier announced his collab with Bear for the video game’s closing credits song, “Blood Upon the Snow.” After I listened to it, I listened to it again. And again. And again. I’m still shocked it’s not on my top songs of 2022, considering I’ve listened to it at least 100 times in December alone. It also made me wonder—how has this collab not happened sooner? Bear’s musical style and Hozier’s haunting voice work seamlessly together. Not to mention a little hurdy-gurdy solo thrown in there.

I’ve no more hunger now to see where the road will go
I’ve no more kept my warmth than blood upon the snow

The lyrics are deeply beautiful. I know absolutely nothing about the game other than it’s about a god and he goes to war. But I can get a sense of what the character Kratos goes through in the narrative of the game through the lyrics of the song. During the song’s climax, you can hear Kratos’ majestic-yet-dark six-note theme sung by an all-male Maori chorus. It’s literally ~chef’s kiss~.

The rest of the album is also on par with “Blood Upon the Snow,” and on par with Bear’s previous work in the 2018 God of War game. He uses familiar themes, like the haunting plainchant of the giants sung in Icelandic and the theme of Faye, Kratos’ deceased wife. Eivør Pálsdóttir provides the vocals for Faye’s theme and other tracks on this album, and her vocalizations are perfect for Faye’s moving, mysterious theme, intermingled with Kratos’ grief for her.

A few other favorites from this album include the raucous “Svartalfheim” (again featuring Eivør’s awesome vocals) and a new theme for Atreus, Kratos’ son, who is now a teen. His theme is as chaotic as you’d think a teen demi-god’s would be. There are moments of levity in the album, just as there are in the game, but my favorite moments are when Bear can show off his skills as a choral composer and his talent on the hurdy-gurdy (in the game, he has his own hurdy-gurdy playing character named Raeb!) Each track is steeped in incredibly rich musicality and gorgeous themes, and each of them bleeds (no pun intended) beautifully into one another.

What soundtrack tickled your eardrums this year? I’d love to hear about them! Sound off in the comments.

Never talk to me or my son (the Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Soundtrack by Howard Shore) ever again.

When I was growing up, my parents never acquiesced to playing children’s music in the car. I mean, my brother and I got to choose from time to time what played, but it was rarely Kidz Bop. If my mom was driving, I would ask her to play a very specific album by Enya. I couldn’t tell you which. But there was one song on the album that I called the “Sunflower Dress Song.” Again, no idea what song I was talking about. My mom also had more than a few Celine Dion albums.

If my dad was driving, we’d typically ask him to put on some sort of soundtrack compilation. I remember we had one that was basically the hits of John Williams and the album started with the THX theme (you know, the one that blows your ears off without remorse?) One of my first CD purchases EVER was the soundtrack to Pixar’s Incredibles soundtrack by then-budding composer Michael Giacchino. (By the way, that soundtrack? Still slaps.)

All of that to say, movie soundtracks have been close to my heart from day one, and I have my parents to thank for that. The number of times I’ve made them listen to The Battle from The Chronicles of Narnia or the entire 2007 Robin Hood soundtrack in the car is probably without measure. This one’s for you, Mom and Dad. And for that one girl in 7th grade who said the music I listened to was boring. Well guess what, McKenleigh*? YOU’RE boring.

*Not her real name. Please, no one ever name their baby this.

Who’s Olivia Rodrigo? My 2021 Spotify Wrapped

“Good for you,” you say as you look at my 2021 Spotify Wrapped. “Your playlist looks happy and healthy—wait, you listened to ‘The Last of the Starks’ HOW many times? Like a damn sociopath.”

The 2021 Spotify Wrapped recently hit every subscriber’s account, and there was much rejoicing. And a lot of memes. And questionable graphic design. But it gives us something to talk about for the last month of the year.

(Are you guys okay? I’m going to assume no, because most of y’all listened to only Taylor’s version of things this year.)

Don’t worry, though. Because I’M NOT OKAY EITHER, but in a different way. In a “I-listen-to-Ramin-Djawadi-on-repeat-just-to-feel-something” kind of way. On my Spotify Wrapped playlist, you will find no fewer than 26 tracks from film and TV soundtracks (and one video game soundtrack, for funsies.) (You’ll also find an incredibly devastating cover of Dua Lipa’s “Don’t Start Now” by Penny & Sparrow. That track spills TEA.) That’s right—more than 25% of my top listening this year was soundtracks. Guess how many topped my list in 2020?

SEVEN.

That’s right, my devotion to listening to soundtracks more than doubled—in fact, more than TRIPLED—in 2021. I wish I could tell you why, other than I simply had the urge. Soundtrack was my #1 most-played genre this year.

Last year, Howard Shore was my most-played artist. This year, it’s Ramin Djawadi. Some things never change. If you follow me on Twitter (I’m so sorry, by the way) you know how much I love yelling about movie soundtracks in general.

Hans Zimmer writing the theme for the Kraken in Pirates of the Caribbean: “but what if this sea monster was like, a little bit groovy”

— Auds (@AuWie596) October 25, 2021

I consider Hans Zimmer, Ramin Djawadi and Bear McCreary to be the holy trinity of 21st Century composers. The work they do defines the genre and they understand the assignment every. Single. Time.

And this year honestly proved it for me. In January, I finished season 8 of Game of Thrones (yes, I have thoughts, but no, they’re not important) and dove headlong into the soundtrack because it’s just. So. Good. I also watched all of Outlander this year and became mildly obsessed, which inspired my love for composer Bear McCreary. And THEN someone shared the God of War soundtrack with me, which turned my world upside down.

God of War creators: It's just a video game soundtrack, Bear, you don't need to go crazy
Bear McCreary writing the score: pic.twitter.com/yZIWIDHkSF

— Auds (@AuWie596) June 10, 2021

In a nutshell, I was introduced to a lot of great scores this year and revisited a lot of old favorites, and guess what? I will now share that wisdom unto you. Here are some of my favorites that I binged this year:

Grievous Speaks to Lord Sidious, from Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith by John Williams

Aside from the fact that Spotify’s progress bar turns into a lightsaber when you play Star Wars music, this particular theme gets me every time. That 6/8 time signature is just pompous enough to suggest how General Grievous feels about himself and his multiple-lightsaber-GENERAL-KENOBI skills, but those punchy choral notes tell you he means business. (Side note: I also love when his beat drops in the Episode III opener.)

Lullaby of the Giants, from God of War by Bear McCreary

I know next to nothing about the God of War video games. I know there’s a god, and he’s at war. Probably. What I do know is that the most recent installment has a bangin’ score. Bear McCreary definitely has flavors he likes to use in his music that gives him a “signature” sound, but everything he does is so unique to what he’s writing for. “Lullaby of the Giants” is a simple, beautiful melody, first sung plainchant-like by an all-male chorus and then sweetly sung by a female chorus. I have no idea what it means in the context of the game. I just think it’s pretty.

We Could Form An Attachment, from Bridgerton by Kris Bowers

I didn’t love Bridgerton, but I didn’t hate it either. Will I watch season 2? Absolutely. My draw to the series was mostly the score by American composer Kris Bowers. Aside from the instrumental versions of pop songs like “Wildest Dreams” by Taylor Swift, Bowers adds beautiful and sometimes whimsical backdrops to the already visually beautiful screen. “We Could Form An Attachment” plays at the emotional climax of the very first episode, making the entire scene even prettier with breathless strings. Another favorite of mine from the soundtrack is “Feeling Exceptional,” which plays on the whimsy I talked about earlier.

Stay A Thousand Years, from Game of Thrones Season 8 by Ramin Djawadi

Hole up, I gotta go cry a second. I love this piece of music, which was never featured in the actual series. I heard it by accident on a YouTube compilation and went on a mad dash to find it. “Stay A Thousand Years” alludes to Jon Snow’s line in season 8 of wanting to hide away with Daenerys in this secret wintry hiding place they found while riding her dragons. The choral version is sung in what I’m assuming is Valyrian, using a familiar theme that Djawadi used as a sort of love theme for Jon and Khaleesi. When it’s sung a cappella, it’s heartbreakingly beautiful. Essentially, this was Audrey’s (Taylor’s Version.)

Theme from Black Sails by Bear McCreary

Remember when I said Bear McCreary understands the assignment every time? Well, I’m still right. This theme gets down, pirate-style. The show wasn’t super stand-out for me, but I never skipped the title sequence. First of all, it’s a visually ~cool~ title sequence, but also the theme music is out of this world. McCreary used one of my favorite instruments (a hurdy-gurdy) and some guttural male voices to create an anthemic, march-like theme that tells you this isn’t your grandmother’s Treasure Island.

The Kraken, from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest by Hans Zimmer

I SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST. My opinion is that Dead Man’s Chest has the best music out of the three Pirates movies. (Yes, I know there are five Pirates movies, but let’s all collectively forget that they made two more.) Davy Jones’ haunting theme really takes the cake, but The Kraken’s theme is in a league of its own. Hans Zimmer *sampled* Bach’s Toccata in D Minor for this theme, and it works perfectly. And it’s impossible NOT to groove to.

What soundtrack music did you vibe to this year? Please tell me, because I want to bump my numbers up for 2022. Check out the other frankly embarrassing tracks on my 2021 Unwrapped playlist!

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Growing up as a Christian kid, I was always surrounded by worship music. I didn’t go out of my way to listen to it, but obviously encountered it at church and school. C’mon, who doesn’t like singing “There’s no God like Jehovah” a million times? (Looking at you, Days of Elijah.) There are songs so deeply engrained into my memory that, whenever I hear a song like say, Shout to the Lord, I’m instantly transported back to a spring day in 2nd grade. Y’know, those kind of memories.

That being said, the music rotation on my CD player (yes, CD player) and eventually iPod shuffle (yes, iPod shuffle) wasn’t worship music. I didn’t go see Relient K or Newsboys when they were in town (My brother did. He came home from a Switchfoot concert yelling because he couldn’t hear anything.) It wasn’t that I didn’t like them (I didn’t like all of them. There are some that get on my nerves. Sloppy wet kiss, anyone?)

I used to feel guilty about not listening to worship music all the time as a Christian. I still feel guilty if I don’t feel like I’m “connecting” with God when I listen to or sing certain worship songs. I’ve come to learn that worship is a posture, not a preference. We all worship in different ways.

So what’s my point? It’s that I’ve found profound messages in music that is sometimes overlooked by contemporary Christian circles. Some of these songs are from bands that don’t even label themselves Christian bands. Some of them even have swear words (Sorry, mom.) But all of them have enhanced my relationship with God and how I worship and connect with Him outside of public settings like church or school. Here are ten.

10. Wonder—The Classic Crime

Though The Classic Crime is signed with Tooth & Nail Records, a primarily Christian rock record label, The Classic Crime does not write overtly Christian music a la Hawk Nelson or The Almost. “Wonder” is from their 2017 EP, How to Be Human. It explores how one’s relationship with God evolves as they grow up, grow smarter and perhaps depart from the same worldviews as their parents. The singer, Matt MacDonald, muses about how he lost the wonder of who God is.

Wonder why I lost my wonder
Why the ship is going under
Wonder why the wonder died in me

And he’s right. When we’ve grown beyond having a “child-like faith,” we lose touch with the wonder that drew us to God in the first place. Of course it’s good to learn more about God as we grow older, but MacDonald also very frankly asks, “Have I f—ed up my head with all the books that I’ve read? Was I too hungry for the truth to find you?”

In a book by one of my favorite Christian authors, Ethan Renoe talks about how a professor at his college said, in a thick Southern accent, that if you’re going to swear, swear at God. He can take it. He wants your honesty. MacDonald does just that. He wants to find his faith again. He just wonders how.

9. Child of Dust—Thrice

I went through an angsty phase in college. I mean, who didn’t? But since I went to a Christian college, my angst was channeled through the beats of bands like Red and of course, Thrice. (I mean, I definitely listened to Fall Out Boy too.) Thrice is a very unique rock band (they’re probably best known for their anthem “Image of the Invisible” from the mid aughts), and their album The Alchemy Index Vol. IV: Earth is described as atmospheric. They are not wrong about that. The song “Child of Dust” was literally recorded with a microphone inside a coffin being buried funeral-style. I am not joking. This song focuses on the depravity of man. It’s also written in iambic pentameter, which is amazing. The lyrics smack of both the fall of Adam and Eve and the coming redemption of the brokenness of humanity.

Dear prodigal, you are my son and I
Supplied you not your spirit but your shape
All Eden’s wealth arrayed before your eyes
I fathomed not you wanted to escape.

8. (73) the Nearness of You—Loud Harp

I love it when Christian artists rework the Psalms or other passages of Scripture into songs. Shane and Shane love to do this, and I love it when they do it. Another lesser-known group called Loud Harp did the same in their album Asaph. It’s a very simple song, but the lyrics are based on Psalm 73, as you might have guessed:

“But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.”—Psalm 73:28

The nearness of You is my only good
My flesh, my heart may fail
Who have I but You?

7. Out of Exile—Strahan

I’ve talked about Strahan a lot on this blog, especially for my 30 Days, 30 Songs series. Strahan is one of my favorite Christian songwriters. His lyrics hold so much more nuance than some of the other mainstream songs with never-ending bridges. And yet, his music is not sung often in church. I think congregations could benefit from his honest, beautiful melodies and poignant lyrics, like the ones in “Out of Exile,” one of my favorites by him:

Did you know that Heaven cries, she cries for you?
And when you ran, she kept watch, she watched for you?
Some don’t want love, some don’t want peace
Some don’t want rest for you
Some just want tears, some just breathe hate
Some just put pressure on the wound to see pain
I need you to know there is love in Me

Read a more in-depth analysis of this song here.

6. Belly of the Deepest Love—Tow’rs

Are you sensing a theme? I really like subdued, folksy Christian music. I think Tow’rs came up for me as a suggested artist on Spotify many years ago, because I was, y’know, listening to Strahan and the like. But Tow’rs makes deeply biblical music without being an overtly worship band. That’s why I think it’s unfortunate when churches overlook music like this for larger worship artists.

From the belly of the deepest love
The hills trembling throats sing hallelujah
Like the flowers on a dogwood tree
Blush with blame you took for me
Oh how you wish to be with me
Oh how you wish to be with me

5. Silver Wings—Thrice

That’s right. You’re getting another Thrice song on this list. Because they have some straight up bangers that are theologically sound. This one comes from The Alchemy Index suite of albums, this one Vol. III: Air. Silver Wings is a very pretty, ethereal song (again in iambic pentameter) about The Holy Spirit. Using wind as an allusion, blowing gently through curtains like “silver wings,” the song is a first-person narrator (Holy Spirit) observing how He is treated by humanity, despite the blessings He brings.

And after all of this I am amazed
That I am cursed far more than I am praised

4. Sight—Sleeping At Last

Ryan O’Neal, the singer-songwriter who is Sleeping At Last, made an entire EP based on the human senses, which then culminated in his Atlas project, a conglomerate of his songs on these as well as the planets, emotions and even the Enneagram. He was inspired to write “Sight” when his daughter was a little over a year old, and he began to understand how differently children see the world and how we can learn from that as jaded adults (see: Wonder.)

I see God in our damaged good,
but you see God in ways I wish I could.

3. Iscariot—Walk the Moon

What, that Walk the Moon? The “shut up and dance” Walk the Moon? Yes, that one. This song, aptly titled “Iscariot,” is about betrayal, and how Judas never got what he was after, but he got “more than he bargained for.” It’s surprisingly pretty and way more laid back than some of Walk the Moon’s bigger hits.

All that we did, you undo
Iscariot, you fool

2. Field of Daggers—House of Heroes

Oh yeah, baby. We are going back to the aughts again and all of its angsty glory. “Field of Daggers” is from Christian rock band House of Heroes’ album The End is Not the End, which has lots of great themes and music in it. “Field of Daggers” reminds listeners where our hope is found, despite the death and strife and illness of this world. There are big World War vibes to it (“In this unending war, I’ve lost so many brothers”). The refrain is simply:

He was and is and is and is to come
He holds the key

1. Fall: War—The Arcadian Wild

I would be remiss if I didn’t include an Arcadian Wild song on this list, mostly because they’re currently one of my favorite bands. Their bluegrass flavors and tight harmonies are music to my ears. Not only that, they did an entire suite of EPs based on the Creation, Fall and soon-to-be Redemption of man with subtle nods to the seasons as well. “Fall: War” is part of the—you guessed it—Fall EP. The rhythm is slightly rolicking and very deceptive, and the lyrics are absolutely beautiful, giving voice to the inner monologues of Adam and Eve as they make their fateful decisions and disobey God.

You gave me all Your love, I thought there was more
Chaos, she politely knocked, so I opened the door
I looked from left to right for somebody to blame
I believed a viper and I grew a pair of fangs.

I hope these songs help you find worshipful moments outside of the church walls. I know they have for me.

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