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The holidays are often family time. 
Notwithstanding the song’s claim that this is the “most wonderful time
of the year,” families can be complicated. 
Fights within families can be over almost anything – political views, child-rearing
philosophies, religion, money, and on and on. 
The catch is that the closeness and intimacy people feel towards family
members is precisely what lets fights become so emotional – the people closest
to us have the most ability to hurt us. 

Maggie was dreading the visit to her parents for the week between Christmas and New Year’s.  Her brother, Lonnie, would be there as well, and it wouldn’t be long before they were arguing about the right way to raise children.  Lonnie disapproved of Maggie’s relaxed parenting style – and to be honest, Maggie didn’t care for Lonnie strict disciplinarian approach.  Having a major blowout sometime during the week seemed inevitable; Maggie was desperate for a way to prevent their fights from ruining everyone’s vacation.

A mistake people often make when fighting, particularly when things
get emotional, is to think of feelings as a zero-sum game: we both feel angry
or hurt, but by the end of the fight only one person will get to have their
feelings legitimated (the “winner”), and the other person will have to make
amends and say sorry (“the loser”). 

This mentality, while completely natural, is mistaken.  Feelings don’t have to be a zero-sum
game.  Here’s a tip for navigating difficult
conversations despite the unavoidable strong emotions we all have when
interacting with family members: you can show empathy without giving up your
point of view. Below are some specific ways to do this:

Summarize the other person’s point of viewAsk questions to make sure you got it rightPivot to sharing your perspective

The next time that Lonnie and Maggie get into a fight about how
they parent their respective children, she might say something like this:

“Lon, I understand that you disapprove of what you see as my overly
lenient way of parenting.  I know you
love me and love my children, and you feel like I am doing them a disservice,
which pains you.  And I can understand
how it must feel to you to watch someone you care about make such a big
mistake.  I’m sure that is very
frustrating. 

Do you feel like I understand your perspective?” 

Saying that communicates empathy, but is not a concession.   Then, Maggie could say:

“Let me tell you how I feel. 
I don’t agree with the way you raise your kids either.  I love you and your family, and it pains me
just as much to see what I consider to be the mistakes you are making.  But even more than that, I am hurt that you
don’t respect my choices but instead constantly try to make me be
different.  We are different people, and
parent differently.  Why can’t you accept
that?”

Showing empathy first may soothe Lonnie enough to be able to hear
Maggie’s point of view.  And notice that
Maggie can empathize with Lonnie’s frustration and pain, yet simultaneously
feel her own feelings of hurt and disrespect. 

Empathy means showing the other person you understand how they
feel.  It doesn’t mean you agree; it just
means you can see how they see things and how and why they feel the way that
they do.  The beauty of empathy is that
you can empathize with someone even when you still passionately disagree, and
even when you have your own strong emotions. 

Wishing everyone all the best for 2019!

Charlie was an experienced and capable engineer for a technology company.  He was bored with his current role as a sole contributor and eager to get promoted to a management position, looking forward to the greater responsibility and compensation that career advancement would bring.  Charlie felt like he already performed a number of management functions informally, and deserved to get the title of manager.  Nevertheless, when he raised the topic with the company’s human resources (HR) representative, she stonewalled, explaining that they did not have any open management slots at that time.

Recently Charlie’s boss Agnes that announced she was leaving the company.  Because Agnes’ replacement had not yet been identified, Charlie would have to take on more responsibility for the next few months.  Charlie would be quite busy, but also was looking forward to the new challenge.  When I asked him if he was planning to raise the topic of promotion with HR he said, “Yes, but not right now.  HR is so busy dealing with this change, and I will be busier than usual myself.  In a few months’ time, when the new manager has been found and gotten comfortable in the position, I will of course press them to give me a promotion.”

Charlie’s plan was a major mistake for a negotiator on two levels.  First, his moment of greatest leverage to demand a promotion was now, while the company was most dependent on his help to get through a difficult transition.  Indeed, the fact that he would be acting as a manager would lend legitimacy to his request.  Second, sometimes the greatest hurdle in negotiating with a bureaucratic institution is just getting heard.  While in the past his HR representative (and her managers) were able to not engage seriously with Charlie, that would not be possible now.  Charlie would have their attention, and it would be foolish to squander the moment.

Leverage can take many forms in negotiation; the moment when someone needs something from you is often a prime opportunity to make your own needs known.

 

 

This past year was one of divides — economic, political, and also cultural. Navigating these divides successfully requires one to be more aware of difference, even when it’s beneath the surface. Over the course of 2016, Donny collaborated with the Jerusalem Intercultural Center and Mosaica and has been teaching Israeli police officers a workshop on cultural competence, providing them with skills for working in a heterogeneous and challenging environment.

Police officers interact with all elements of society, including men and women, elderly populations and youth, Jews, Muslims and Christians, religious and secular communities, immigrants from Europe and Africa, refugees, and native born Israelis.  Enforcing the law while being cognizant of and sensitive to how their actions are perceived by these diverse groups can be quite challenging.  For example, searching a Muslim home with a dog can be offensive to some Muslims; entering the master bedroom in an Ethiopian home can be seen as violating; navigating single sex spaces with officers of different genders can also be tricky.

It’s impossible to learn the ins and outs of every cultural permutation.  And while acquiring cultural knowledge of the specific populations with whom an officer interacts is important, there is a more fundamental skill that these officers must acquire.  In order to successfully balance fulfilling their mission while remaining sensitive to the citizenry, officers need to adopt a learning mindset, one that allows them to recognize the cultural factors that may be at play in a given situation.

The same is true in the corporate world. Consider the following anecdote.  Brad, a banker with 15 years of experience in hedge funds, took his seat at the table with the other senior leaders of BigBank, which he had joined three months prior.  The team was discussing the firm’s priorities, and there was vigorous disagreement.  At one point Brad responded to a peer’s comment by saying “Are you f***ing kidding me?  There is no way that will work.”

The silence was deafening.  All turned to look at Brad in surprise, and he realized that he had crossed a line that didn’t even know was there.

In Brad’s previous work at a hedge fund, coarse language was the norm and bluntness was valued. Not so at BigBank, where collegiality was expected, and decorum and hierarchies were enforced.

Brad hadn’t yet mastered the culture at BigBank, and he wasn’t even aware that he hadn’t. That’s what led to his faux pas.  If he had started his new job by asking himself about the unspoken culture of his workplace, he would have been better armed to navigate that meeting.  Like the police, who constantly enter high stakes situations in which they don’t necessarily know all of the cultural nuances of a particular community, he needed to adopt a learning mindset.

Being aware that culture could be at play is an important first step.  Then, if you can remain open-minded and curious, rather than judgmental, you can be light on your feet as you step through the cultural landscape.

 

 

Check out some of our 2015 highlights from the public sector.  Best wishes for a successful 2016!

Sometimes you find yourself in a situation that is completely absurd, and it feels like there’s no way to negotiate with your interlocutor. This happened to me on a weekday morning not long ago – it’s a completely true story, but it’s so absurd that it sounds fabricated.

My wife and I walked into the lobby of a 5-star hotel. We had taken a day off without our children for a quick getaway, and were interested in purchasing a day pass to the spa.

The front desk attendant said that he was very sorry, but their computer had been down for the past hour and they could not sell us day passes.  I offered to pay cash, or to leave my credit card and ID, but he refused.

Assuming there must be more to the story, I asked if the hotel was perhaps full, or if their insurance carrier required guest information to be entered into the computer.  I was told no, none of those were the issue.  It was simply a matter of the computer being down.  I protested that none of this made sense.  I asked to speak to his manager, who similarly refused to help, even after I said I’d have to go to a competitor. She went back to her office, leaving me dumbfounded.

Running out of options, I was getting ready to leave when I turned to another, more experienced front desk attendant and said, “This is an absurd situation.  I refuse to believe we can’t find some creative solution.  Isn’t there anything at all you can do?”

She said, “Actually, we can have you fill out a paper form with your credit card information; include the amount and sign it, and we will process it later.”

I said, “Perfect.” And five minutes later my wife and I were in the sunshine, enjoying ourselves by the pool.

When you’re told that nothing can be done even though logic dictates otherwise, try sticking with it. Insist that there must be a better solution that can get you what you want. You might consider switching players, or suggest alternatives, as I did.  Persistence can really pay off.

 

 

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