Jen Shirkani's Blog

I had a great conversation with Charles Good of IMS on the topic of emotional intelligenceand leadership, particularly concerning the common ego traps that can tripup even the most well-meaning leaders.

Here is the synopsis of our program, with video summaries:

3R FRAMEWORK FOR BUILDING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Recognizing - Recognizing and being self-aware of your emotions, strengths, andweaknesses is crucial. (How do you currently feel about this?) Reading others -Observing others involves reading the room, interpreting people's reactions toyour communication, and understanding their preferred communication style. (Howis this coming across?)
Responding appropriately based on that person and situation, avoiding a genericapproach. (What does this person in front of me need me to do?) How do Imindfully respond appropriately?

Click here for the video

WHY DON'T LEADERS GET THE FEEDBACK THEY NEED?

One of the main reasons is that itcan be challenging for leaders to ask for feedback from others. It requiresvulnerability and the willingness to acknowledge areas for improvement.Additionally, even when leaders do ask for feedback, they may not always takeaction based on the feedback they receive. This can lead to a lack of trust andengagement among team members. So, the question is, are you open to receivingfeedback from others, even if it's not what you want to hear? Are you able toapproach feedback with an open and gracious mindset, recognizing that it can bea valuable tool for personal and professional growth? Being receptive tofeedback, even when it's difficult, can help leaders foster a culture ofcontinuous improvement and create stronger connections with their teams.

Click here for the video

LEADERS OFTEN OVERLOOK THEIR DOWNSTREAM IMPACT

As you climb the organizationalladder, there's a growing risk of losing touch with the real-world impact ofyour choices. Leaders often find themselves detached from the repercussions oftheir decisions, sidestepping layers of authority. This disconnect can resultin inefficiencies and structural misalignments within the company. Moreover,many executives grapple with Executive Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder(E-ADHD), leading to challenges in focus, decision-making, and strategicplanning. Another common pitfall is leader-level skipping, where individualsbypass the expected reporting hierarchy, causing confusion and disruption inthe communication flow. Addressing these issues through increased awareness andtailored support mechanisms can enhance leadership effectiveness andorganizational performance.

Click here for video

WHY IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE HIGHEST FOR MID-LEVEL LEADERS?

Research suggests that emotionalintelligence (EQ) tends to reach its highest levels among mid-level leaders,but unfortunately, it gradually declines after that stage. In part due to thefeedback not being asked for or given to senior leaders. This decline in EQ can have significantimplications for leadership effectiveness and overall organizational dynamics.
Therefore, it is crucial for leaders at all levels to continuously prioritizeand develop their emotional intelligence skills to maintain and enhance theirleadership capabilities.

Click here for the video

THE HIGHER YOU CLIMB IN ANY ORGANIZATION, THE MORE IMPORTANT EQ BECOMES

As you ascend higher in any organization,the significance of emotional intelligence (EQ), not just IQ, becomesincreasingly apparent. It equips individualswith the necessary skills to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics,understand and regulate emotions, and make informed decisions that positivelyimpact their teams and organizations. By fostering collaborative environmentsand nurturing strong relationships, leaders with high EQ create a culture oftrust, empathy, and inclusivity, which ultimately drives sustainable successand growth.

Click here for the video

AVOID THE PITFALLOF HIRING INDIVIDUALS SIMILAR TO YOURSELF

Embracing diversity of thought and experience is crucial for organizationalsuccess. As a leader, make a deliberateeffort to actively seek out individuals who offer diverse perspectives andunique viewpoints. Their invaluable contributions have the potential to greatlyenhance the success of your organization.

Click here for the video

To watch the interview in its entirety, click here.

Welcome back to the long-lost Month in a Minute blog series! It has been a long time and yes, we are still here. Our business activity is still impacted by the pandemic response and the subsequent changes to the professional development industry but we have learned to adjust and have seen some live events return this year (finally!).

 

We have been closely watching and reading about the work-from-home/return-to-the-office debate play out. Most of our clients have a hybrid setup letting employees decide if and when they want to be in the office. Because it’s not structured, many still spend a lot of office time meeting via Zoom or Teams with those who are not in the office, which seems to me to defeat the whole point of going in. But there are some people who definitely like the office environment, even with a skeleton crew. The extroverts need human interaction and some introverts have distractions at home making it easier to concentrate in a quiet office. Others are fighting hard to keep their full-time remote status, struggling to see any benefit of going back to the office at all, even a few days a week. What seems like a pretty common opinion across leaders everywhere is what we are doing now doesn’t seem to support maximum productivity or employee engagement. Gallup just released their State of the Global Workforce and after a spike in employee engagement in 2020, things have leveled back down to pre-pandemic levels. So it doesn’t seem that full-time remote or flexible hybrid options have made any difference. We at Penumbra have some theories about why that is the case, but that is for another article. I would love to hear your thoughts on why you think engagement isn’t higher.

 

What was very compelling about the Gallup study is the number of people who said they feel more stress and anger at work than ever before…thus making emotional intelligence a CRITICAL competency. Smart companies are realizing that skipping employee leadership learning events, onsite workshops, and in-person one-on-ones for three years has come at a cost, and are starting to get back to these important activities. Just a reminder that we offer EQ and change style assessments, executive coaching, webinars and workshops.

And since January I have had the pleasure of speaking to a CEO roundtable group in Gulf Shores AL, speaking at a leadership summit for a large healthcare staffing company in Salt Lake City UT, leading a succession planning offsite with the owners of a property management company in San Diego CA, keynote at a leadership event for a landscape architecture firm in Denver CO, presented at Texas Assisted Living Association in Austin TX, facilitated a workshop for a large Native American Nation in Washington DC, keynoted at the WBL annual conference on Amelia Island in FL, spoke at the Kansas Organization of Nurse Leaders in Wichita KS, and keynoted at a leadership meeting for a defense contractor in Grand Cayman. It has been a wonderful first half of the year for being with clients in person! I have trips booked for the last two quarters of 2023 but still have many open dates and would love to come to work with you at your organization, just drop me a note. I am also including a picture of me with Steve Friedlein, we were lucky enough to be in the same place at the same time once so far this year! Enjoy the rest of your summer. I promise to be back soon.

 

We have all been the victim of a bad online trainingprogram. When this occurs, most people tolerate the situation by half-listeningand/or working on other things. Participants have come to expect that they willhave to sit for too long, hear content that is too generic, or listen to presenterswho may be content experts but not online trainers.

We have spent over 30 years providing bothin-person and online learning events. There is just no substitution for liveevents where participants experience small group activities because they allow forinformal dialogue with peers, reading non-verbal body language, and they supportmaking human connections. They also provide for the spontaneity of insightful commentsand the ability for the facilitator to adjust to real-time content. If you havea mostly remote team, look for opportunities to tie a workshop to meetings inwhich everyone may be together for other things like an annual conference, newhire onboarding, or compliance training.

If virtual learning is a necessary format for you,here are 5 ways to improve your next program by keeping these critical factorsin mind.

1. Keep your group size to 20 people or less.

Whether in person or live, it becomes morechallenging for everyone to participate when there are more than 20 attendees.Ideally, everyone should be on camera and actively adding to the conversationvia chat and/or breakout rooms. A large group also makes it difficult tocustomize the content, so you end up with a one-size-fits-all session. Consideroffering learning tracks based on participant job specialties, years of experience,or open enrollment so participants can choose the session they knowwould benefit them the most.

2. Don’t use online learning to check the box.

When training is seen as a singular eventinstead of one facet in an overall organizational development strategy, thelearning is often disjointed, and random, rarely leading to performanceimprovement. Subsequent training events should: build on previous ones;add depth and layers to a developing competency; and continuously increase incomplexity.

3. Provide post-training reinforcement.

Webinars create awareness by sharing contentprinciples, however, for lasting improvement to occur participants needadditional reinforcement in a real-life setting. Consider providingparticipants with a follow up option such as a team coaching session 3 to 6 monthsafter the completion of a program with some individualized assessments. Coachescan also provide feedback on the application of the principles taught in thecourse and support in overcoming obstacles that impede team performance.

4. Use professional trainers.

Most organizations save money using onlineplatforms over in-person events. Use that budget to pay for a professional. Bewareof using subject matter experts as online facilitators. The advantage of usingoutside presenters provides an objectively focused learning agenda and cangenerate more honesty in dialogue. Trained online learningspecialists have advanced skills in speaking and facilitation skills whileusing an online platform. Beyond slide content, the delivery of the learningdetermines success or failure.

5. Expect to have “Vacationer” / “Prisoner” / “Learner”participants.

Every audience contains three types ofparticipants:

·        TheVacationer who is thrilled to getout work and uses the webinar time to escape from reality;

·        ThePrisoner who absolutely does notwant to be there and sees an online session as an unwanted interruption fromtheir priorities and multi-tasks through the program;

·        TheLearner who is actively lookingfor ways to improve him or herself and will seek out takeaways to get valuefrom any learning program.

Trainers must prepare for these three types ofparticipants and develop engagement levers for each.  

Final Thoughts

Do not use meeting software for a learningsession. Instead, use a program that is set up for interactive features likepolling and break-out rooms. By using the right platform along with these tips,you can avoid giving your online training events a bad reputation. Mostemployees dread the idea of giving up an hour or two to listen to a talkinghead with little attention being paid to their unique learning needs andpreferences. A focused investment in time and effort can make a very worthwhileimpact on any event, not to mention the overall competence of your workforce.

Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. An important initiative that many organizations are focused on and are offering training and education on how to achieve a diverse, equal, and inclusive culture. But formal practices and policies are only part of the solution, to be the most effective we have to change individual behavior as well. The principles of emotional intelligence run directly in support of advancing DE&I and if you do one thing for yourself or others, take the EQi assessment, published by MHS. This tool offers insights into several skills that enable self and social awareness that leads to better understanding and tolerance.

Someone who takes this assessment receives an overall emotional intelligence score, as well as scores in 15 individual skills. Here are a few that support DE&I the most:

Emotional Self-Awareness: Recognizing and understanding one’s own emotions. This includes the ability to differentiate between subtleties in one’s own emotions while understanding the cause of these emotions and the impact they have on one’s own thoughts and actions and those of others.©

In practice, someone with high emotional self-awareness is more in tune with themselves. They are more self-reflective and can identify their own biases. They take ownership and accountability for their thoughts and reactions and can recognize how their emotions affect how they respond to others. Someone with higher self-awareness can also catch themselves if they have been caught up in Group Think, allowing them an opportunity to add a different or diverse viewpoint from the mainstream.    

Empathy: Recognizing, understanding, and appreciating how other people feel. Empathy involves being able to articulate your understanding of another’s perspective and behaving in a way that respects others’ feelings. ©  

Empathy is a critical skill needed when attempting to create a level playing field in which people feel equally supported and heard. Someone with high empathy makes it safe for others to share different thoughts and ideas. They seek to understand the world through the eyes of someone else, even if they have not had the same experience themselves. Empathy is what allows us to appreciate different viewpoints, even when (or especially when) we don’t agree with them.

Social Responsibility: Willingly contributing to society, to one’s social groups, and generally to the welfare of others. Social responsibility involves acting responsibly, having social consciousness, and showing concern for the greater community. ©

This skill runs against any instincts to be selfish. It considers what is beneficial to the many, not just the few. It requires a realization that one person’s action can have great impact on others and that we are all part of a larger system that may require complex solutions. This is team thinking which is at the heart of inclusion vs individualism which seeds separatism.  

Impulse Control: the ability to resist or delay an impulse, drive or temptation to act and involves avoiding rash behaviors and decision making. ©  

This skill provides the ability to think before speaking, increasing the odds that a dissenting opinion is said with tact. Someone with impulse control can consider multiple options before taking action. They consider the consequences of their decisions. They don’t jump to conclusions about others and are patient with explanations. Balanced impulse control combined with assertiveness also helps someone speak up when they need to, instead of staying quiet or going along to get along.

In addition to these four skills, emotional intelligence also increases stress tolerance and flexibility, two more vital traits for managing dynamic environments. Self-regard helps us to remain confident even after a setback, keeping us from sinking to a victim mindset.

Overall EQ helps us remember not to take ourselves so seriously and be more self-deprecating. My EQ helps me understand that someone might not like my idea simply because it is not a good idea or I haven’t presented it well, not because they are overtly denying me inclusion. Having emotional intelligence results in not being easily offended or taking everything so personally.

If an organization is doing DE&I correctly, there will be more conflict. As people from all perspectives feel accepted and included, differences of opinion should be more common. By providing emotional intelligence development, you give people the tools they need to face uncomfortable conversations and address things they deem to be triggering before they escalate. In short, emotional intelligence supports the critical resiliency and coping skills we all badly need if we have any hope of realizing the benefits of true diversity, equity, and inclusion. 

 

Greetings,it has been a long time! I know I have been neglecting the blog and my articlesfor quite a while. Honestly, I have been unmotivated and at times quitediscouraged this year. On a positive note, we at Penumbra are working andplugging along despite mass disruption to the corporate world and our industry.I am very grateful that the business has not dried up completely and thatAngela and Steve have been amazing in adapting to the new conditions. But I am alsomourning a few things that I don’t think will ever come back.

Prior to2020 I saw Steve at least every other week and Angela about once a quarter. Wewould meet up in a new city, meet new clients or interact with existing clients,feel the satisfaction of doing a solid day or two of work, enjoy the sights ofthe town we were in, and reward ourselves by eating at the best localrestaurants. It has now been almost two years since I have seen Steve inperson. I have only seen Angela once. I have seen four clients in person in thelast 22 months.

Even though Iam not happier working from home, I was curious how others were feeling aboutit so I recently held a poll on my LinkedIn account where I asked:

“If youstarted working from home last year and still are, how happy are you nowcompared to when you worked in person with colleagues?”

70% saiddefinitely more happy, 11% said definitely less happy, 19% said about the same.This is admittedly a small sample but means that for employers who want tobring back an in-office work team you will likely have an uphill climb in maintainingemployee engagement. And I worry greatly for our collective emotionalintelligence.

Remote workdoes not promote empathy. A cornerstone of empathy requires us to read others.That includes subtle non-verbal signals people send with a gesture, a look, a blush,a smile. Trying to see those things in small video boxes (if video is on atall) is almost impossible. If we are in person but masked up, we also lose somevery key components of communication. Sharing a smile bonds people. Laughing atyourself shows humility. Without the visual clues as to the message behind thewords, language takes on a whole new meaning. This requires you to share more aboutwhat you feel, what your reactions are, and why you have a certain opinion. Itrequires us to ask others about those things too.

But thereality is we aren’t sharing more verbally, we are sharing less. Our firm hasprocessed hundreds of EQi assessments since the end of 2020, and across theboard, Emotional Expression (the constructive expression of emotions) is down.People are doing it less, perceived as too risky. If I share what I really feelyou may get offended or you may feel triggered. I may be seen as notpolitically correct. We have seen too many examples this year of cancel culturegetting people fired from jobs due to unpopular opinions. So we keep our faceshidden and our mouths shut. How can that ever allow us to use EQ or communicatewith efficiency and effectiveness? How do we build high performing teams amonga group of strangers? How do we ever have trust between us?

Employees havealso become hyper-sensitive to conflict. Keep in mind that our amygdala’s havebeen in overdrive for nearly two years. The amygdala is the primitive center ofour brain that is the emotional center of our being. When triggered, it takes overrational thought.

From EmotionalIntelligence by Daniel Goleman (pg 16):

“Incoming signalsfrom the senses let the amygdala scan every experience for trouble. This puts theamygdala in a powerful post in mental life, something like a psychologicalsentinel, challenging every situation, every perception, with but one kind ofquestion in mind, the most primitive: ‘Is this something I hate? That hurts me?Something I fear?’ If so – if the moment at hand somehow draws a ‘yes’ – theamygdala reacts instantaneously, like a neural tripwire, telegraphing a messageof crisis to all parts of the brain. It triggers the secretion of the body’sfight-or-flight hormones, mobilizes the centers for movement, and activates thecardiovascular system, the muscles and the gut. The amygdala’s extensive web ofneural connections allows it, during an emotional emergency, to capture anddrive much of the rest of the brain – including the rational mind.”

In manyways, we have been experiencing a lingering, chronic, intermittent amygdalatrigger. Small things might set us off that otherwise wouldn’t. We mayinterpret harmless comments from others as threats. We may feel that any setbackthat happens to us is the result of someone else’s negligence instead of simplybad luck or something that is the result of our own actions. We may feel like avictim.

Most employeesworking a desk job have also shared the stress of having a non-stop stream ofmeetings. We have known for years that sitting all day looking at a computer screenis terribly unhealthy. Moving around, getting exercise, and giving yourself breaksbetween calls are all things that you can do to help yourself and your mentalwellbeing. Instead of another Zoom call, consider a phone call while you areout taking a walk. Make time for non-agenda’d communication. Turn your emailsoff on your phone in the evenings. Turn off audio alerts on your computer. Losethe laptop.  

Brene Brownis a wonderful author and her work has been on my mind a lot this year. She talksabout the role of shame and the power it has over our behavior. There has beenplenty of shame used this year in a variety of settings for a variety ofreasons. She also talks about the “vulnerability armory” which is our defensemechanism against hurt and disappointment. Interestingly, in Daring Greatly sheshares a participant experience in which they felt the most vulnerable and manyused examples of sharing joy. She expected fear and shame, but not joy.

As oneperson put it, “It’s easier to live disappointed than it is to feeldisappointed. It feels more vulnerable to dip in and out of disappointment thanjust to set up camp there. You sacrifice joy, but you suffer less pain.”  

It feelslike that this year. People have opted for the safe, the comfortable, the leastrisky choices and sadly, sacrificing some really positive parts of life for it.Both Facebook and Microsoft have introduced the concept of the Metaverse this year.The idea will be a virtual universe that will allow us to go to work and attendmeetings as avatars. Has real life gotten so painful or difficult that we mustretreat into a fake world?

One of thedeepest concerns I have from this year is the swift willingness some in the privatesector have had to implement policies of overt employee discrimination. Theseare organizations that prior to 2021 seemed to me to have the highestcommitment to diversity and inclusion who I would have expected to fight vigorouslyagainst any type of disparate treatment of employees regardless ofthe reason. Well intended or not, the net result is an endorsement of terminatingemployees based on their medical status. It leads me to question if discriminationin the workplace based on any factor is justified? And if it is, whodecides what the criteria is? How do we protect employees from “mandate creep”and how do we prevent institutions from segregating and separating employees underthe pretext of the greater good? There are not many examples from history in whichthose practices end well.

In 2022, I wishyou good physical and mental health. I wish you love and joy, but I also wishyou pain and disappointment, because it means you are fully living your reallife. I wish you self-awareness and empathy and feeling human connections withco-workers. I wish you awareness and uncensored information to make the bestdecisions for you and your family. I wish you a workplace free fromdiscrimination. And lastly (and I really mean this) I hope we have an opportunityto see each other in person. You can check out my new grey hair!

 

 

Greetings, it has been a long time! I know I have been neglecting the blog and my articles for quite a while. Honestly, I have been unmotivated and at times quite discouraged this year. On a positive note, we at Penumbra are working and plugging along despite mass disruption to the corporate world and our industry. I am very grateful that the business has not dried up completely and that Angela and Steve have been amazing in adapting to the new conditions. But I am also mourning a few things that I don’t think will ever come back.

Prior to 2020 I saw Steve at least every other week and Angela about once a quarter. We would meet up in a new city, meet new clients or interact with existing clients, feel the satisfaction of doing a solid day or two of work, enjoy the sights of the town we were in, and reward ourselves by eating at the best local restaurants. It has now been almost two years since I have seen Steve in person. I have only seen Angela once. I have seen four clients in person in the last 22 months.

Even though I am not happier working from home, I was curious how others were feeling about it so I recently held a poll on my LinkedIn account where I asked:

“If you started working from home last year and still are, how happy are you now compared to when you worked in person with colleagues?”

70% said definitely more happy, 11% said definitely less happy, 19% said about the same. This is admittedly a small sample but means that for employers who want to bring back an in-office work team you will likely have an uphill climb in maintaining employee engagement. And I worry greatly for our collective emotional intelligence.

Remote work does not promote empathy. A cornerstone of empathy requires us to read others. That includes subtle non-verbal signals people send with a gesture, a look, a blush, a smile. Trying to see those things in small video boxes (if video is on at all) is almost impossible. If we are in person but masked up, we also lose some very key components of communication. Sharing a smile bonds people. Laughing at yourself shows humility. Without the visual clues as to the message behind the words, language takes on a whole new meaning. This requires you to share more about what you feel, what your reactions are, and why you have a certain opinion. It requires us to ask others about those things too.

But the reality is we aren’t sharing more verbally, we are sharing less. Our firm has processed hundreds of EQi assessments since the end of 2020, and across the board, Emotional Expression (the constructive expression of emotions) is down. People are doing it less, perceived as too risky. If I share what I really feel you may get offended or you may feel triggered. I may be seen as not politically correct. We have seen too many examples this year of cancel culture getting people fired from jobs due to unpopular opinions. So we keep our faces hidden and our mouths shut. How can that ever allow us to use EQ or communicate with efficiency and effectiveness? How do we build high performing teams among a group of strangers? How do we ever have trust between us?

Employees have also become hyper-sensitive to conflict. Keep in mind that our amygdala’s have been in overdrive for nearly two years. The amygdala is the primitive center of our brain that is the emotional center of our being. When triggered, it takes over rational thought.

From Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (pg 16):

“Incoming signals from the senses let the amygdala scan every experience for trouble. This puts the amygdala in a powerful post in mental life, something like a psychological sentinel, challenging every situation, every perception, with but one kind of question in mind, the most primitive: ‘Is this something I hate? That hurts me? Something I fear?’ If so – if the moment at hand somehow draws a ‘yes’ – the amygdala reacts instantaneously, like a neural tripwire, telegraphing a message of crisis to all parts of the brain. It triggers the secretion of the body’s fight-or-flight hormones, mobilizes the centers for movement, and activates the cardiovascular system, the muscles and the gut. The amygdala’s extensive web of neural connections allows it, during an emotional emergency, to capture and drive much of the rest of the brain – including the rational mind.”

In many ways, we have been experiencing a lingering, chronic, intermittent amygdala trigger. Small things might set us off that otherwise wouldn’t. We may interpret harmless comments from others as threats. We may feel that any setback that happens to us is the result of someone else’s negligence instead of simply bad luck or something that is the result of our own actions. We may feel like a victim.

Most employees working a desk job have also shared the stress of having a non-stop stream of meetings. We have known for years that sitting all day looking at a computer screen is terribly unhealthy. Moving around, getting exercise, and giving yourself breaks between calls are all things that you can do to help yourself and your mental wellbeing. Instead of another Zoom call, consider a phone call while you are out taking a walk. Make time for non-agenda’d communication. Turn your emails off on your phone in the evenings. Turn off audio alerts on your computer. Lose the laptop.  

Brene Brown is a wonderful author and her work has been on my mind a lot this year. She talks about the role of shame and the power it has over our behavior. There has been plenty of shame used this year in a variety of settings for a variety of reasons. She also talks about the “vulnerability armory” which is our defense mechanism against hurt and disappointment. Interestingly, in Daring Greatly she shares a participant experience in which they felt the most vulnerable and many used examples of sharing joy. She expected fear and shame, but not joy.

As one person put it, “It’s easier to live disappointed than it is to feel disappointed. It feels more vulnerable to dip in and out of disappointment than just to set up camp there. You sacrifice joy, but you suffer less pain.”  

It feels like that this year. People have opted for the safe, the comfortable, the least risky choices and sadly, sacrificing some really positive parts of life for it. Both Facebook and Microsoft have introduced the concept of the Metaverse this year. The idea will be a virtual universe that will allow us to go to work and attend meetings as avatars. Has real life gotten so painful or difficult that we must retreat into a fake world?

One of the deepest concerns I have from this year is the swift willingness some in the private sector have had to implement policies of overt employee discrimination. These are organizations that prior to 2021 seemed to me to have the highest commitment to diversity and inclusion who I would have expected to fight vigorously against any type of disparate treatment of employees regardless of the reason. Well intended or not, the net result is an endorsement of terminating employees based on their medical status. It leads me to question if discrimination in the workplace based on any factor is justified? And if it is, who decides what the criteria is? How do we protect employees from “mandate creep” and how do we prevent institutions from segregating and separating employees under the pretext of the greater good? There are not many examples from history in which those practices end well.

In 2022, I wish you good physical and mental health. I wish you love and joy, but I also wish you pain and disappointment, because it means you are fully living your real life. I wish you self-awareness and empathy and feeling human connections with co-workers. I wish you awareness and uncensored information to make the best decisions for you and your family. I wish you a workplace free from discrimination. And lastly (and I really mean this) I hope we have an opportunity to see each other in person. You can check out my new grey hair!

 

Recently, I came across a Business Insider Australia article from 2015 that shared 20 cognitive biases that affect our decisions. After seeing them one thought I had was, “These are very relevant to today’s pandemic world”. Another thought I had was, “There are 20 of them?!”
Some of the ones I related to the most included Bandwagon Effect (adopting a belief because a large number of others also believe the same way), Confirmation Bias (listening only to information that reinforces what we already believe) and Availability Heuristic (letting personal experience outweigh what data would contradict). Bias affects everyone, even the most objective among us because it is a human trait and occurs below our conscience before we have a chance to recognize it and stop it. Validation and reflection are two techniques you can use to analyze your thinking and decision-making process as you earnestly work to identify the biases that trip you up. 
Here are three things you can do to help yourself:
1. Question why something is popular. Before you join the majority around you ask why this idea or belief is so widely accepted. Remember that old saying that there is safety in numbers. Many will join in groupthink because they assume others know more about the topic and if the majority concludes the same way it must be safe, true, or best...not so fast. Ask someone you know who believes something popular why they have joined the crowd. Verify it is based on actual facts and data, not an easy way to get out of an independent decision. Ask questions before accepting the status quo. Resist the temptation to go along to get along.
2. Make the counterargument. I recently heard the story of a 1950s British physician who was a Fellow at the Royal College of Physicians doing work in the field of cancer prevention. To ensure the research being conducted was valid, the doctor hired an assistant whose only job was to actively dismantle the proposed theories and disprove them. Imagine having someone paid to undo your progress every day! Not many people could handle it, but you can see how solid research conclusions would become as a result. And by the way, her name is Dr. Alice Stewart and her recommendations ended up dramatically reducing childhood cancers (did bias have you thinking the physician was a man?). In team meetings, set ground rules that require that multiple sides of an approach be vigorously debated. People must feel safe to be openly contrarian. Require it. It is vital to critical thinking.
3. Do your own research. This combats the Availability Heuristic bias I mentioned earlier. This puts more weight on your own personal experience over the statistical averages; i.e., just because I personally have never been in a plane crash doesn’t mean they don’t happen. As another example, you may think that the headlines on pit bull attacks are inflated because you own one and it is a most gentle family dog and has never attacked anyone. Instead of basing your opinion solely on your experience, do your own research. Go directly to the source: data published by industry associations, talk to a vet, ask people at a dog park what their experience has been with dog attacks. At work, the same recommendations apply. Don’t just believe the rumor mill. Directly ask for information from someone in the know. Verify independent information before taking action.   Those in leadership have an additional responsibility to not allow biased thinking to affect how they treat others especially when it comes to employment decisions. If anything, bias to the positive by assuming the person’s best intent. Be skeptical before joining the crowd. Seek counter opinions. Take an honest look at yourself and validate that you are seeing things objectively. 
It is easy to live in our own realities, especially with remote work and personalized social media feeds. It lulls us into a false sense of knowing what we think is the truth and what we consider to be fact. By being aware of our biases we can get back to mutual understanding and ultimately, better decision making.   

Let’s make 2021 our best year yet by choosing to remain resilient. You will grow in power and independence when you face your challenges. You no longer worry as much about risk or failure, because you know they’ll help you grow even stronger. You learn that you have the strength to endure difficulties you never thought you could. You stop backing down under pressure to say yes when you really want to say no. You look for the best in yourself and others, and you have the courage to walk away from those who demotivate you, bring negativity into your life or stress you out. By staying positive you will reach more goals, achieve more dreams, and influence others more successfully because people are drawn to those who are humble, hardworking, and encouraging. Time for a new chapter; you have the power and resilience to decide what your next chapter will be. Wishing you the happiest of new year’s!

Just a few of the misconceptions about coaching go something like this:  Coaching is for fixing problem behavior.  Coaching is just another word for mentoring.  Coaching isn't truly learning because you're being told what to do.  Coaching is for people who lack natural skills or drive to be self-taught and self-correcting.  Sure, tell that to an Olympian.

Talent starts raw and must be shaped and honed.  The more it grows, the more it requires objective input to remain adaptable, in touch, and dynamic.  Being coachable, or knowing you need outside advice, is vital to evolving and succeeding in the ever-changing business world.

We are exposed to coaching from various sources as a natural part of life, both in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.   Are you missing it?  In order to learn from these experiences, we must possess the maturity and foresight to see these growth opportunities when they present themselves.

Often, the best advice does not come from a certified coach or superior, but from more unexpected and informal sources like an employee, an exit interview, an overheard complaint, or collective body language in a meeting.

This foresight requires a readiness that must be present in any successful learning experience.  We call this readiness being coachable.  Someone who is coachable is open to seeing other perspectives without being threatened.  Someone who is uncoachable is righteous in their convictions and rigid when exposed to input from others.  
Paradoxically, we often hear the uncoachable describe themselves as being open-minded.  Translated, this often means that their mind will remain open long enough to receive the feedback and run it by their internal threat meter (the Ego).  Then, a quick risk assessment is performed to ascertain how much damage it poses to their internal belief systems and external image.
We all know someone like this, the ultimate workplace survivalist.  This behavior is known as control-minded.  They are prepared to hear what you have to say because it will remain in a controlled, mental waiting room while they decide the safest route to process (or eliminate) it.
Being open to hearing what someone has to say is not the same as being willing to allow it to challenge and change you.  Ego driven activities such as self-preservation, rationalizing, and image control waste so much time, little attention is paid to the merit or value of the feedback itself.  The message gets lost in the thundering, chest-pounding of the Ego.
In contrast, someone who is truly coachable has set aside their Ego in order to raise their EQ.  Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is the must-have ingredient of coachability.

Competencies such as transparency, active listening, self-awareness, intuition, optimism, and self-control are the bedrock of transformational learning, and all stem from EQ.

The good news is EQ is a set of skills and can be learned. Research from the Hay Group shows that people who improve their EQ have the following things in common:They don't bite off more than they can chew They are very clear about what the payoff for them will be if they change They are feedback junkies - they are tenacious about asking those around them for feedbackAre you coachable?  Do you operate from Ego or EQ?  Answer the following questions to gauge your coachability: (and then check your self-awareness by asking someone you trust to be objective to answer these about you)

1. Do you determine the worth of feedback based on who is giving it or do you spend time considering the rationale behind the message?
2. Have you asked for feedback on yourself in the last month?

3. Do you partner with others to develop yourself or prefer to handle that privately?
4. When is the last time you publicly admitted you were wrong?

5. Do you have difficulty turning down your mental talk so you can actively listen to others?

6. When is the last time you apologized to someone at work for your behavior?

7. When faced with personal feedback, do you focus on staying superficial and ending the encounter as quickly as possible, or do you open up about how you feel about the feedback and ask clarifying questions to gain understanding?

8. When is the last time you asked someone to hold you accountable for certain behavioral goals?

9. Do people feel safe coming to you with the feedback you may not like?  How do you know?

10. When it comes to your own performance, do you care more about appearances or real results?  How would your staff answer that about you?

11. When is the last time you listened to a contrasting viewpoint about something you felt strongly about and ultimately changed your opinion?

12. Do you catch your own mixed messages or contradictions?

13. What are three areas you feel you would benefit from coaching?  Ask your team to answer the same question about you and see how well you understand their perception of you.

14. Final and most important question:  How often do you receive meaningful feedback from others?  The amount of feedback you are given will be in direct proportion to the degree of coachability others see in you.

If you want to be credible, you must be coachable.  Employees will not be open to feedback from someone who dishes it out but cannot take it in return.  Leaders who are defensive and encourage an environment of celebrating only the successes will be rewarded with the same superficiality they embody.
Echoes or honesty?  Artificial harmony or authentic relationships?  Growth or status quo? You decide.
What if you are not coachable? What are you missing out on?  What you don't know can hurt you.

I have a tradition of writing you a Thanksgiving note that is usually filled with gratitude for the work we do and the great places we were lucky to travel and visit. Like all of you, 2020 has eliminated anything that was previously routine. It has simplified the things I am grateful for down to the basic necessities of health and housing. 

My family is mostly older, everyone is very healthy but I have close relatives that are in their late 80’s and a great aunt who is 90. David and I are lucky enough to have living parents who are all in their late 70’s. Blessedly, none of them have gotten Covid, but his father has dementia and has needed to be hospitalized twice for non-Covid reasons. Not allowing his wife or any family member to be with him was very difficult. He had no advocate. He doesn’t remember what medications he takes or why he was taken to the hospital to begin with. He had nothing familiar for five days. When he got home, his dementia was much worse and within hours he had no memory of even being in the hospital. The isolation over the last 8 months and lack of mental stimulation that comes with regularly interacting with family and church has definitely worsened his condition. We worry about what will happen if he must stay quarantined for several more months. 

I miss my California family too, I haven’t been able to see them since February. My mother has also hardly left her house since March. She had a knee and hip replacement last year and I worry that without even the basic activities of walking through the grocery store a couple times a week, she isn’t getting enough of the physical activity she needs to recover well. Indefinite and arbitrary milestones for “returning to normal” has only created more anxiety and unintended consequences.

In late October David started feeling sick and after a few days with several Covid symptoms we decided to get him tested. It came back negative; a relief. He is 60 and a diabetic. We figured it was a bad cold that likely had settled in his chest. About four days later he lost his taste and smell. He never had a fever or shortness of breath, his main complaint was being tired. A few days later, he went to his doctor who gave him another Covid test which also came back negative. But, he also gave him an antibody test which was positive. The doctor surmises that the first Covid test was a false negative and he had Covid in the previous ten days but was no longer contagious. It was also too late to give him any of the drugs that minimize symptoms.Based on the first negative test we didn’t isolate him. Fortunately, he didn’t go out much during that time and when he did he wore a mask. I was with him constantly and never got any symptoms nor did anyone else in the family. He is improving and still gets tired but he was never sick enough that he couldn’t get out of bed. He just mostly felt run down. The only difference for him between this and the normal flu was how long it took to feel better. I am grateful that he was one of the lucky ones. Maybe I was too.This Thanksgiving I wish you and your family good physical and mental health as we maneuver our way through this crazy world.