T.N. Jones's Blog: Author to Publisher

🎄Let your child's Christmas and Kwanzaa be Filled with joy by gifting🎁 them Sunday Funday with Mom. A wonderful tale of the🎄 importance of a Mother & Daughter duo spending personal time together, as they🎄 whimsically decide which activity to choose for the day. 🎀

With an✨ activity page and sight word's this book doubles as a learning aide your child will adore and revel in for generations to come. 🎁

Available soon for purchase 12/15 ask Author Blk Qween about her
3/💲25 book bundle deal!

Firstly, the deity of book distribution with its subscription membership that just sent its owner to space isn't a machine I want to work against me.

But isn't that how it always goes?

The small fish swallowed, consumed, overwhelmed by the big fish. You almost feel like you're drowning as you watch already famous authors gain more notoriety with a platform you just knew was going to be your ticket to greatness.

I hopped on Kindle Vella as an author without taking it in as a reader. It doesn't connect to your personal kindle account. You can't open stories in Kindle apps or readers, all of the stories have to be navigated through the web browser.

That's not the nail in the coffin for me tho. Pennies on the page can hurt or help you as an author. If it's a really great story, folks will spend the cash to finish. However, even if the story is great, if the math doesn't math right, readers end up spending nearly triple the amount they would had they bought the ebook or paperback version of your serial.

Let's talk dollars and cents. It's alright, you get your cut as long as readers are tuning in to new episodes. I don't have any complaints about the royalty payments or sign-on bonuses. You get paid comparably to putting the book out on KDP, but the opportunity to really milk it as some authors do with these cliffhanger paragraphs they call novellas is an opportunity waiting to be taken advantage of. I hate cliffhangers as a reader so I try to steer clear of them as an author unless it's necessary.

AUTHOR CUSTOMER SERVICE IS HORRIBLE in my experience.

Prior to publishing an episode or chapter, the Vella techs behind the screen give it a read and determine if there's any plagiarism or other infractions on their publishing policy. I edited one episode but forgot that I included pieces of it in the next one and it got flagged as duplicate content because it was already published in a different episode.

No problem.

I changed the content so that all of it was original and while it took them hours to flag it, it took nearly 3 weeks for them to correct the alert. Even after all of my episodes were given the green light, I couldn't edit the original flagged episode even though it was given the all-clear.

Overall, it's nothing crazy difficult. The dashboard is convenient and it's easy to publish and throw a serial piece up on the site. I might give it a try again with a story I don't truly care about, but what's up there now will be pulled within the next few weeks. I would pull it down now but customer service said it takes 60 days to pull the story down in case readers want to come back to it.

They want to enhance the Kindle Vella experience for readers but they're doing a disservice to both authors and their audience alike by not streamlining the Kindle experience. Don't even get me started on why I can't download the Kindle app onto my Firestick.

Anywho, I'm taking my talents to my website and other platforms. Take a look at my Instagram for some writing tips, short stories, and all-around Tee shenanigans as I take this journey to become a world-renowned writer in the best shape of her life. (Not the best shape but I'm trying to get there)

Writing Tip #2

Trying something new by taking some short stories to the kindle vella platform. First few chapters are free and then you get to choose if you want to finish the story.
These stories are contemporary romance novellas with erotic material, black main characters, and good old fashioned storytelling. I hope you all enjoy.

Introducing the Storms of Love Series:

Book 1 Looks Like Snow

With a name like Snow and skin the color of gingerbread, Snow Singer always enjoyed making a great first impression. Little did she know, she'd leave a lasting one with Ranger Horton. From strangers to lovers, Snow never saw it coming. When Ranger's new hire shows up, her title says intern, her confidence reads management, and her strut says F*CK ME. A power struggle and a race to see which CEO comes out on top.

Book 2 A Chance of Reign

Elise Hanley never wanted to see him again, not after what they did to her family. With a broken heart, she set out to make herself into a woman who didn't need love, didn't need a man; a woman who didn't need Reign to shine. Reign Shaw, billionaire playboy, never quite felt the same after walking away from the love of his life. Choosing his family's legacy didn't seem like it came with any other option. So he buried a side of himself he never wanted to see again and Elise along with it.

Tommy couldn’t pull herself away from the barred window. She could only think of her freedom as she peered
into the early evening sky. They had been friends for so long, is all Tammy could think about as she looked
over at her friend wishing she could change what happened.

Tommy never questioned their decisions… up until now. Sitting in a cell with her best friend waiting for the
guard to call either one of their names was agonizing.

“Hey,” Tammy called to her friend, “At least it’s just us in here.”

Tommy could only sniffle and begun to cry again.

“I don’t belong in here,” Tommy whimpered, “I need to get out. I NEED TO GET OUT!” She grabbed the bars and tried to shake them as she screamed.

Tammy walked over to her lifelong friend, rubbed both her shoulders, leaned in close to her ear, “You know Greg is going to get us out of here right?”

Tommy sniffed her tears into her nose and looked at Tammy full of confusion. “What makes you think he’s coming for us? He got away with the money,” she turned her gaze back to the window, “He’s not coming for us.”

For a minute, Tammy began to consider friend’s thought when the guard stopped in front of their cell.

“Tamarind Ophelia Montague,” the female guard called without a hint of emotion in her voice. “Your lawyer is here!”
Tammy watched her sobbing friend exit the cell and as the guard secured Tommy in cuffs.

“Is all of this really necessary,” Tommy quietly asked the guard.

“Standard procedure ma’am. Walk forward,” the guard nudged her down the corridor away from the holding cell. The guard led her into a windowless room and sat Tommy down at the table.

“Palms flat,” the guard instructed her. Tommy did as she was told. The guard unlocked her cuffs, leaving one around her wrist and the other secured to a metal handle on the table.

Tommy had no idea what was going on. She hadn’t stuck to the plan. She was supposed to remain hidden until night fell and the family went to sleep, but she poked her head out of her hiding place too soon. She was held until the authorities arrived. The cops had taken her to the only police station in this tiny town. There were only three holding cells and she was the only occupant.

Tommy sat in silence waiting for her attorney to enter the room. She tugged at her restraints. The clang of the metal on metal did nothing to calm her nerves. She felt herself getting worked up again but was interrupted by the sound of the guard letting someone into the room. She didn’t recognize the man who stepped inside.

“Just wave up to the camera and knock on the door when you’re finished,” the guard spoke to him as he sat his briefcase on the table.

“Yeah okay,” the man agreed with a nod.


Tommy looked at the man standing in front of her. He wasn’t very tall and he didn’t look very clean. In fact, he was the worst looking lawyer she had ever seen. He stood at an unappealing 5’5 feet tall, his hairline was receding, and his beady brown eyes made her uncomfortable. He looked her up and down without saying a word to her. When his glare reached her face again he stared into her puffy blue eyes. Her blonde hair struggled in the humidity, leaving her curls fluffy and unruly. Finally getting his fill off of her subtle beauty, he popped open his briefcase and began shuffling through the contents.

“Are you okay Tammy?”

“I’m Tommy,” she corrected him.

He looked at her perplexed, “But you’re Tamarind right?”

“Yes, Tamarind Ophelia Montague, T-O-M… people call me Tommy.”

He rolled his eyes, “That’s irrelevant… are you okay?”

“Yeah but I don’t belong in here,” she could feel herself getting worked up again.

“I know Greg sent me to get you out,” he started taking a pen apart.

“Who are you? And what about Tammy?”

“Listen, we don’t have that much time. There’s only two guards on duty right now. I was told to come get the girl out of lock up. That’s what I’m here to
do… So here,” he tossed her a crooked pin that was hidden in the barrel of the pen. “Do what you do… we got about two minutes before they realize what I just handed you and what’s about to happen next is about to happen real fast.”

Tommy gathered her thoughts and got to work maneuvering the pin around the keyhole to her cuffs. By the time the tumbler dropped and the cuff released her wrist she could hear the guards running down the hall. She got up from the table looking toward the man for him to tell her what to do next.

“Okay when the guard opens the door, most likely they’re gonna spray us first then try to cuff us. Take this!” He tosses her a pair of swimming goggles, “Don’t look at me like that! Just put them on! It’s all I could ge-" Before he could finish the door burst open.

Two officers rushed into the room yelling, “On the floor! Get on the floor!” They didn’t wait for Tommy or her lawyer to comply. One guard immediately removed his pepper spray and began to unleash the foul liquid on them. The man, claiming to be her lawyer, ducked down and rushed him. Tommy tossed the silly goggles to the side as the other guard charged her. She used the woman’s size against her, rolling around her body wrapping one arm around the guard’s neck and bringing her other underneath the guard’s armpit. She kneed the guard in her tail bone causing her knees to buckle and then give out. The guard fell and before she could do anything about it, Tommy had the cuffs off the table neatly secured on her wrists.
Tommy looked up at the lawyer struggling to get the guard to go down. He had managed to knock the pepper spray to the floor but now they were wrestling. The guard got one arm free in time to pound his fist into the lawyer’s ribs. He screamed out in agony trying to draw his ribs in closer to his body in order to avoid being struck again. Tommy scrambled to her feet, ran up behind the guard, and removed his gun from its holster.
She cocked the gun and placed the barrel to the back of his head which made him stop trying to fight her lawyer. She put her lips so close to his ear he could feel every breath as she whispered, “Down boy.”

The guard did as she commanded and knelt down to the floor.

“Belly to the ground asshole!” The lawyer demanded. The guard grimaced as he forced his body down until the side of his face was pressed firmly against the cold tile.

“Okay cuff him,” Tommy motioned to the guard’s handcuffs. The lawyer secured him and looked up at the woman who, moments ago, seemed so frail and timid. This person standing before him now, waving a gun around and shouting orders, she was not the woman he met when he entered the room.

“Grab his keys and let’s go!”

The lawyer grabbed the guard’s keys while Tommy scooted past him out of the room. He took off after her but as he started running toward the door, he noticed she wasn’t anywhere in front of him. He turned around and ran back to the holding cells.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” the lawyer yelled at her.

“Tammy! She’s not here!”

“I don’t know who the fuck you’re talking about but we gotta get the fuck outta here NOW!!”

He grabbed her by the elbow and pushed her toward the door. Tommy stopped at one of the desks to get her belongings that were confiscated from her. She grabbed her things and bolted out of the police station. She was only a few steps behind the lawyer as they ran down the empty street.
The lawyer searched around for his keys, unlocked the car and hopped into the driver’s seat. Tommy finally caught up and got into the car. She strapped on her seat belt, and then looked over to the lawyer.

“What the hell is your name?”

“Honestly I think it would be better if I didn’t tell you… just in case this bird brained plan of Greg’s doesn’t work.”

Tommy nodded in agreement, “Okay so where are we supposed to go?”

“I was hoping you could tell me. I held up my end of the deal. I got you out and you’re supposed to pay me.”

“Just drive, get the hell out of here! ...Wait but Greg is the one with the money! I cracked the safe, and he grabbed the money!”

“That’s not the message I got,” the lawyer said pulling out his phone. He clicked a few buttons and swiped across his screen a few times before stopping. “Yeah, I got this message from him: Hey I’m on your farm and I’m in trouble. I got a Kennedy for you if you grab the chicken out the barn.”

“Chicken out the barn? Kennedy? What the fuck is all that supposed to mean?”

“Well you can’t exactly say hey spring my girl out of jail I’ll pay you fifty thousand via text message. You’re the chicken in the barn and JFK is on the half dollar… you know fifty cents. But springing somebody from a cell adds a couple of zeroes to that.”

Tommy ran her fingers through her hair not knowing why Greg allowed this guy to even help. “Fifty is a lot! I coulda made bail with that money in this tiny ass town.”

“Not if nobody knows where the stash is to bail you out!”

“Greg should know!”

“NO! Greg said: Take the chicken back to the hen house so she can give you the egg. I’m assuming you guys had some sort of meet up for after this job was done. I guess take me there and hopefully Greg will be there too waiting for you.”

“I wonder if Tammy will be there too, she must have picked the lock and gotten out before we did.”

“Listen nothing was ever mentioned to me about two chickens. I got you out, that’s what I was supposed to do! Now I wanna get fuckin paid! So please tell me where to go.”

“There’s an abandoned farmhouse a few miles outside of town. We were supposed to meet there,” Tommy told him. She didn’t want to pay him fifty thousand dollars out the money she was supposed to split with Tammy and Greg. It was unacceptable! She never agreed to this deal, but then again she was never supposed to get caught either.

“Well did you see Greg? And do you actually live in that little town?”

“I was doing a job. That’s what he meant when he said he was on my farm. I actually told Greg about the job you guys pulled out here. And no I didn’t see Greg.”

Tommy just sighed to herself and started rummaging through her belongings looking for her cell phone. After locating it deep at the bottom of the bag, it refused to power on. It needed to be charged. The lawyer glanced at her knowing exactly what she needed and pulled his car charger out of the center console. She thanked him while plugging her phone up hoping she could get enough juice before they reached their destination.

Tommy and the lawyer drove for another twenty minutes before coming to a fork in the road. He looked at her waiting for her to give him the proper direction. She pointed to the left and so he followed. The car left the smooth pavement as it turned onto a dirt road. All they could hear was the sound of rocks being kicked up by the tires hitting the undercarriage of the car and being spit back out onto the ground.

The lawyer sees the old abandoned house and pulls his car under the big oak tree in the yard. They both get out of the car and just stand there looking around and then at each other. Tommy shrugs her shoulders and kicks the dirt at her feet.

“So where the hell is he?” the lawyer asks.

Tommy looks around again and starts to walk away from the car. “I don’t see anyone else here. Doesn’t look like anyone has been here either.” She looks down at her phone to power it on.

“Well maybe you should call him,” the lawyer looks at her as the light from her phone turning on lights up her face in the starlit night.

“I will, just don’t wanna waste my battery. I’m sure he’s here. Let’s just go take a look.”

The lawyer looks at Tommy walking away towards the house. He doesn’t know what to think. He doesn’t have a grasp of everything that’s going on, but he can feel it in his gut that something is off about this jailhouse beauty. He shakes the feeling of paranoia away deciding to follow Tommy across the barren lawn. The broken down rotting stairs, leading up to the front door, creak under their footsteps.

Tommy looks into the house through a broken window. She listens out to see if she hears anyone inside. But the only thing in that house is silence.

“So are we going inside or do we wait for him out here?” The lawyer asks growing increasingly impatient with every minute that passes. He wants to get paid and get the hell out of there.

“I think we should go inside, maybe he already stashed the money and had to leave before we got here or something.”

“That’s a pretty stupid thing to do. Why would he leave the money and his girl?”

“I’m not his girl; we’ve just been friend s for a really long time.”

“Well the way he talks about his Tamarind gave me the impression that you two were an item. I mean why else would he risk busting you out of jail?”

“Well because it wasn’t a part of the plan!”

“What was the plan anyway?”

“Greg, Tammy, and I are renting a tiny crap studio near Miami Beach. And Greg gets these bright ideas every month so we can pay our bills. We usually boost shit here and there; do some ATM scanning, or whatever just to get by. We pick one day a month, decide how much we need, and then Greg finds us the jobs. So about a week or so ago he says, there’s a job in Noma. I looked at him like he was fucking crazy because I had no idea where or what he was talking about. But he says there’s a guy in Noma with enough cash in a safe to pay our bills for a year. So Greg sets up the plan. Tammy distracts the guard, I crack the safe and hide, and Greg grabs the money and books it. Tammy was supposed to get arrested, NOT ME. But I blew my hiding spot and they held us until the police came.”

“Greg never mentioned a Tammy to me… ever.”

“That’s cuz they fight like cats and dogs. They probably like each other or something. So when was the last time you saw Greg? And why are you here?”

“I told you I came here on a job. I run insurance scams, pyramid interest and dividend type thing. That’s how I found out about the guy you idiots hit. And as far as Greg… well I haven’t seen him. I’ve never seen him in person actually now that I think about it.”

“So let me get this straight… You’re willingly giving information to a person who you’ve never seen or met in person.”

“Well we met online and he started messaging me. We got to talking and did a couple hack jobs online, so I figured he was cool. I never got arrested so he seemed like a legit criminal to me.”

“And you call us idiots?”

“Whatever. Did you call him?”

“Yeah it keeps going to his voicemail. But let’s go inside and look around,” Tommy moves toward the door and nudges it open with her foot. She pulls her phone out using it as a flashlight. Everything inside the house had about an inch of dirt settled on top of it. There was only a small end table left inside along with two flimsy chairs.

The lawyer’s gut was tingling again. Something wasn’t right.

“Man fuck this,” he said to Tommy, “I’ll call him.” He pulls out his phone to dial Greg’s number. He realizes that he’s never seen nor spoken to Greg.

All of their communications have been through messenger or text. He finds the number and hits the send button.
He hears the ringtone but doesn’t see where it’s coming from. He looks around for Tommy. She must have walked ahead while he was looking for and dialing Greg’s number.

“Hey Tommy! Greg is is here! Did you hear it? I think that was his phone that went off. GREG! GREG! Where the fuck are you man? I’m trying to get the hell out of this place. Come on out it’s just us. Tommy! Tommy?”

He starts walking further into the house looking for Tommy. He enters a dining room area but there isn’t anything in the space. He walks over to the window and looks out into the empty wasteland. He didn’t know what he was expecting to but dry dead grass is all that was out there. He shook his head and looked at his phone dialing Greg’s number again, but when he turned around a figure stepped out from the shadows. The barrel of the gun was all he could focus on. The phone rang and the familiar sound bellowed through the space.

“Why do you have Greg’s phone Tommy?”

“I’m not Tooooommmmmyyyyyy,” the figure sang.

As the lawyer looked closer, and his eyes began to fully adjust to the dark
he noticed the woman standing in front of him was indeed Tommy, but just
in a humongous black wig.

“Listen I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but fuck the money! You keep it! Just let me leave Tommy!”

“I just told you! I’m…Not…Tommy!” she screamed.

“Well whoever the fuck you are, just put the gun down and let me go. I won’t say anything to anyone just let me out of here!” the lawyer began to plead for his life.

“No no no, I gotta set the scene. And you’re going to help me.”

“Listen I ain’t doing shit else for you or Greg. You’re just gonna have to shoot me.”

“Alright,” Tommy fired two shots from the guard’s gun. One bullet hit the lawyer in the shoulder while the other nicked the corner of his head causing him to stumble backward. He couldn’t believe this crazy bitch just shot him. He fell backward and hit the floor. The already dark room faded to black…

When the lawyer awoke he was tied to one of the flimsy chairs. But now, there was a body on the floor in front of him. A blonde haired, blue eyed woman lie dead with her cold stare fixated on the lawyer. The blood was leaking from his wound. He was afraid but he wasn’t alone.

“Welcome back to the party sunshine,” Tommy greeted him as she came in the room. She had a sack full of money with her. She began tossing bills all over the place.

“What the hell is going on here? Where’s Greg you psychotic bitch? What the fuck did you do to him?”

“Tssk, tssk, tssk… poor boy. You haven’t figured it out yet… I’m not psychotic by the way. I’m schizophrenic… oh wait let me correct that; my doctors call it dissociative identity disorder now. Fucking quacks,” she began mumbling to herself as she continued to stage the room to look like a fight had taken place.

“So this Tammy you kept speaking about… You are her?”

“I’m Tammy! Tommy is a part of me! She always gets the fucking shine. This is such bullshit! Our name is Tamarind! See Tammy! Me! I’m here! I’m her!”

“Okay okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. So what happened to Greg?”

“Silly man, Greg is locked up in here too!” she said pointing to her head. “He and Tommy are having a moment right now so they sent me to finish up here. Fucking lazy ass motherfucking friends I got right?” Tammy chuckled maniacally.

The lawyer started breathing heavy, almost hyperventilating. He couldn’t stop the tears that started falling down his face.

“Oh no, oh no, please don’t do that! Men look so ugly when they cry!”

“PLEEEAAASSSSSE! LET ME GO!” the lawyer screamed through his plea.

“Oh I’m sorry I can’t do that because the proper authorities will be looking for the con man that broke the blonde haired thief out of the local jail. They’ll be looking for these two criminals who killed a family and two deputies.”

“Wait we didn’t kill anybody!”

“Of course not silly, I did. You see while I was stashing the money, the lady of the house spotted me and got all riled up. Had her husband hold me til they came and took me in. But I knew you were here in town because you told me to come so I had Greg solicit your services. While you were sleeping I had to go get the money. And I needed more time before those guards got themselves free. So I took care of them. A lovely bullet for all of them, the guards, the man, and that bitch he called a wife. Fuckin tattle tale is what I call her.”

Tammy moved toward the woman lying on the floor. She ran her fingers through her hair right before grabbing a handful of it and yanking her head up off the floor. “You see, she would be alive right now if she didn’t have such a big fucking mouth! Just had to tell her god damn husband I was in the house. Fucking bitch shoulda just minded her business! But I’m gonna take care of all of this. By the time they sort through the bodies, I’ll be long gone.” She dropped the woman’s head letting it hit the floor with a thud.

Tammy took the gun and placed it in the dead woman’s hand. She wrapped her fingers
around the handle and moved her finger over the trigger. She raised the woman’s arm
pointing it directly at the lawyer’s head.

He began begging, “Wait wait wait Waaaaaaaaiiiii-“

POW!

Tammy made the dead woman pull the trigger sending a bullet into the lawyer’s head. His words were quiet and Tammy was at peace. At least for now she was. She finished staging the room. Even though she knew it would only be a matter of days for the cops to see through it but still it would be a decent head start for her and her friends.

Her friends… Tommy and Greg…lifelong friends. They leave the house, hop into the lawyer’s car, and drive off to their next city. Off into the rising sun of the morning.

The scents of charcoal, clay and paint filled the back office at my art shop. There were many times that I would work into the wee hours of the morning sketching something new or painting something old. So there were many times I would pass out on the sofa situated across from my desk. But today, I woke up with a yearning in my heart, a pit in my stomach, a solitary thought in my head.

Where is he?

This question has plagued me since I was old enough to realize my father was no more than an imaginary friend in my head. A nameless, faceless figure who would never scare boys away, who would never teach me how to drive, who would never walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. So as I have lived and learned, often the hard way until this point, his presence has been deemed unnecessary. I was never okay with this and never will be. However, I refuse to allow some stranger to dictate my emotions nor my future. And on the day Conrad rang my telephone, I knew that the barrier I had worked so hard to build was beginning to chip.

"Hey how ya doin baby girl?" his voice was raspy, not too deep, melodic and sweet. Sweet enough to talk you out of every penny you had ever earned.

"Who is this?" I asked into the phone. I already knew who it was. I had heard his voice plenty of times over the last few months. He came into my shop early one morning looking through my sketch book and explaining to me the kind of piece he wanted to commission. I was more than excited to get some new work, but when I asked if someone had recommended him he danced around the question until he finally said he walked past the shop a few times. He stood tall. We shared the same colored skin and the same grey eyes. Had I not been so excited about new work that could be billed by the hundreds, I would have noticed that I was the spitting image of him.

"Now don't play with me young lady I spoke with your mother today and she told me she spoke with you. The jig is up I suppose," Conrad spoke deliberately to cut thru my sarcasm.

"Does this mean you don't want the painting?" The thought of wasting so much time on this piece annoyed me greatly.

"Of course not. I'd gladly pay you double for it seeing as I have deceived you a bit. I didn't want to just come barreling into your life."

"I see...you wanted to feel me out. See how we would get along?"

"Something like that."

"So what exactly do you want?" I wanted to get straight to the point so I could find any reason not to continue this conversation.

"I know it's asking for too much, but all I want is lunch. An hour of your time to eat and talk," he put an emphasis on the word talk. It made me extremely uncomfortable. I knew that talking to Conrad would uncover emotions I had long buried.

"I guess that wouldn't be too much. Does today work? I should be free in about an hour. You can come by the shop and pick me up," I rushed the meeting so that he would have no choice but to decline and I would use it as my excuse to never see him again.

"That works for me baby girl. I'll see you in an hour," Conrad said fully knowing that he surprised me.

I puffed and then hung up the phone before he could say anything else. I didn't know if I should cry or if I should break something. I was mad and upset with this man who I'd just met a few weeks ago. I wanted to be upset with my mother as well, but somehow I know this wasn't her fault. No! This was all Conrad. He is a selfish asshole who wants things done when he's ready for them to happen. I think he knows that there is still a soft spot inside of my heart for the father I never knew; no matter how much I've tried to harden it.

By the time the bell jingled, letting me know someone was walking into the shop, I had already locked everything up. I never got around to hiring any other employees so I closed the shop whenever I had to leave during business hours. Conrad stepped over to the counter where the register sat. He placed a bag on the counter along with an envelope.

"What's in the bag?" I asked. My curiosity was outweighing my need to be hostile with him.

"Your lunch. I got you a chicken caesar salad. That's your favorite right?" he asked looking at me with those eyes that mirrored mine.

"It is, but I thought we were going out to eat."

"Well I know that it's only you here in the shop and I would hate for you to miss out on some business because you were out having lunch with me," he reasoned with me.

I shrugged my shoulders but agreed with his decision to stay in the shop. I didn't really care where we ate. I grabbed two chairs from the back room so we could sit down. I looked into the bag, eyeing my salad with lust, as my stomach ridiculed me for skipping breakfast this morning. Yet, somehow I couldn't bring myself to devour the food as hastily as I would have liked. It was Conrad's fault. He was sitting on the opposite side of the counter from me, just looking at me, staring at me, creeping me the fuck out!!

"Okay, enough! What's the story? Why now?" I blurted out. “I mean are you dying or something? Tryin to get right with the lord? Why come into my life now after all these years?"

"I was looking for you for a long time baby girl. But with my line of work, it's been difficult to keep people close to me. I don't have any excuses good enough to justify why I left and I don't have any good enough to justify why I'm here now. I honestly was supposed to come into town, do a job and leave. When I saw your mother... it had been so long and I just wanted to see how you guys were doing."

"Oh so now you care?" I could feel the tears welling up, "You breeze on by to ease your conscience and now you're gonna duck out again on us?" I wiped my tears with a napkin from the bag where my salad was waiting.

"That isn't what I meant Selena."

My name coming off his lips felt like acid dripping slowly down my skin. I hated him and it wasn't until this very moment that I knew it was so.

"Well you know what Conrad ... I don't care why you're here anymore! You can't just pop up and say 'Hey I'm your dad'! You can't expect me to find this fact the least bit useful! I grew up just fine without you, I don't need you anymore!" I was kind of hissing at him rather than yelling. My tears were getting in the way and I had to get out of there. I stood from my seat and began heading toward the door.

"Wait... please let me at least explain a few more things," he reached out and touched my hand. I nearly jumped three feet back.

"Don't you dare fucking touch me! I don't know why you're really here but you need to crawl back under whatever rock you came from. Don't call me! Don't come to my shop! Don't contact me at all! And stay the hell away from my mother too! We don't need you anymore! I'm leaving. I gotta get some air. You had better be gone when I get back or I'm calling the police!" I walked out of the front door to my own shop stepping into the most rejuvenating afternoon sun I had ever felt. But I turned around to poke my head back into the shop. Conrad looked up at me with the most pitiful gaze in his eyes as I told him, "And take your god damn painting with you!"


CONRAD'S DAUGHTER, SELENA


I was on my 5th machiatto sitting in the coffee house across the street from my shop. Conrad was still in there and he didn't look like he was leaving any time soon. He is such an asshole.

What does he want? Surely he doesn't just want to talk! He must WANT something.

The questions circling my mind about his sudden appearance in my life could only be answered by one person...but I don't want to talk to him! Conrad is such an asshole. I gathered up my belongings, paid my bill, and set off in the direction to the only other person who would have any sort of clue why he was really here, my Nonnie.

Nonnie is my ever so sweet, never harm a fly, never raise her voice, always making sure I'm fed grandmother. A woman so heavenly I don't know what I'm going to do if she ever leaves us. I'm secretly hoping that someone discovers the fountain of youth so I can keep her with me forever.

My smile is contagious as I walk down the street thinking about my Nonnie and what kinds of snacks she'll have out for today. I'm greeted with "Hello's" and "Good afternoon's" as I make my way. I normally stop by her house for tea and chit chat afterwork but in light of today's events, I'd say tea is needed much earlier.

I finally reach Nonnie's. I pick up her afternoon paper that was thrown onto her walkway, I grab the mail from her mailbox, and use my key to let myself in. Scents of blueberry muffins circulate making me feel warm and safe. "Something smells good in here Nonnie," I call out as I walk toward the kitchen.

"Lena, sugah, is that you?"

"Yes Nonnie," I answer kissing her on the cheek and hugging the old woman from behind. I stood next to her watching her wash the messy sink full of dishes. They must have come from those wonderful muffins that keep tempting me to sneak one away from its cooling rack on the stove. I silently lift my hand over to take one but Nonnie sees, "Lena don't go messin with those muffins yet. Let me finish these dishes and put the tea on. Then you can tell me why you're here a whole four hours early."

I shrink down inside myself like a toddler about to throw a tantrum. Shaking the refusal away I bump her slightly in the hip, take the soapy dish rag from her hand and start doing the dishes. She smiles at me while shaking the water from her hands and drying them on her apron. She let me take over so she can get the tea ready. After the kitchen is clean, the muffins are cooled, and the tea is ready, we adjourn to the back porch. It's always quiet back there...peaceful.

"So what's going on Lena?" Nonnie doesn't waste any time.

"Conrad is in town," I say with a twinge of disappointment.

"Your father?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Well what does he want? Did you talk to him? How are you feeling sugah?"

"I don't know what he wants. He's been pretending to be a customer, having me paint something for him, wasting my time for the last three weeks! Nonnie I'm so...I'm so... I'm so MAD!!!"

"Well I can understand that...you ain't never seen the man and now here he is, being all nice and bringing business to that wonderful shop of yours," she snickered at my outburst because she knew that's not how I really felt.

"It's not funny Nonnie! He's been lying to me this whole time and just expects me to want to listen to him! To want to know and understand... but I don't want to know! I don't care to know! And for all I know he's an asshole! And a liar!"

"Selena!" she only called me by my whole name when I did or said something she didn't care for.

"I'm sorry Nonnie, but he is a liar! And where has he been? And why now?"

"I'm sorry Lena, but baby the only person who can answer those questions is your dad."

I cringed and scrunched up my face with disgust, "Please don't call Conrad that. He is NOT my dad!"

"Well what if that's what he wants to be Lena?"

"It's too late for that Nonnie, I'm all grown up now. I managed to get this far without him and I'm pretty sure my path won't change much with him. I don't need a dad anymore," even as I said it I didn't fully believe it.

Nonnie picked up on that too, "Now you and I both know that no matter how old you get, no matter how strong you are, no matter how much success you achieve, there will always be a hole in your heart because the man you thought never existed has finally come around. You can't leave this wound open sugah. You need some closure. So just go on and talk to him. And if after that you're still mad, hurt, upset or whatever you don't have to speak to him ever again. But you at least owe it an explanation."

"I don't owe him shit Nonnie!" I was still fighting this absurd idea that Conrad could become apart of my life.

"Selena Peyton! You watch your mouth in my house! And I didn't say you owe him anything. If at all you owe yourself the explanation as to what happened and what went on."

"I'm sorry. Well you were there Nonnie can't you just tell me what happened?"

She rubbed the top of my hand with the warmest smile that melted my heart, "Sweet baby I was there, but what I know isn't enough to stitch up that hole that's bursting open. Please go talk to him, then get your mother's side of things, and then you come to a conclusion all your own to what you want to do. You're right, you're all grown up but somewhere deep inside this beautiful woman before me is a small girl who just wants to talk to her daddy. Go talk to him Lena, that's all you gotta do."

I exhaled heavily contemplating if I should do exactly what Nonnie said. I knew I had to but I just didn't feel ready to open up those flood gates. What's the worst thing that could happen?

I know I'll get all the answers I wanted to know but never truly wanted to hear. I'll spiral out of control into deep depression and won't be able to find my way out. I'll lose my business, I'll hate my mother, I'll kill Conrad, and then I'll go to jail.

"Lena stop running worst case scenarios, put down that muffin, and go talk to that man. Be done with this part."

I laughed a bit at how well this woman knew me. Oh Nonnie... I took one last bite of my muffin and kissed her on the cheek. I promised her that I would come back as soon as I closed up the shop for the night. She waved me on out of the house to confront my emotional demons.

I made it back to the shop, half hoping Conrad was still there looking pitiful. But he was gone. The salad was still there sitting on the counter. The chairs were still there, and so was the envelope I saw earlier. I looked at it, then I peeked inside of it since it was unsealed. My eyes bulged as I thumbed through the enormous wad of hundred dollar bills inside. There had to be over ten thousand dollars in the envelope. I looked around to see if there was a group of people and cameras ready to pounce out telling me I've been apart of some hilarious prank. But no one jumped out. I looked around again to make sure no one wanted to rob me looking for that envelope either. My heart started racing and my palms were sweaty. I flicked the bills under my thumb in the envelope one more time. This time something caught my eye. It was a folded piece of paper:


Baby girl,

Words can't express how truly sorry I am for all that I have done to you with my absence.
I've always loved you and thought of you often. However, involving you in my life would
have been extremely dangerous to all of us. It still is. I know this doesn't make any sense
and I hope that one day it will. Here's something I've been holding onto for you. Take it
please, use it how you wish. This is only a small attempt to begin to make things right.
I know you can use this for the shop, please don't be stubborn and give it your mother
I've already given her something too. The next time I swing through town, I hope you're
not as upset with me. I apologize for lying to you but I truly enjoyed spending time with
you, watching you work. Your mother has done an amazing job with you, you're such a
beautiful and talented young woman.

Until the next time
Your dad Conrad


I folded the piece of paper back up and stuck it back in the envelope with Conrad's guilt money. He took the painting with him which made me kind of sad but I didn't know why. Reasoning that I couldn't speak with him, I guess my next stop would be my mother's. Off to another tea time.


CONRAD'S BABY MOMMA, APRIL


I didn't know what to do with Conrad's guilt money and he had mentioned that he'd already given some to my mother so I shouldn't give it to her. Maybe Nonnie could use it. He can't tell me what to do with money he gave me. Or can he?

I closed up the shop and decided to go back to Nonnie's after I spoke with my mother. I headed to her house desperately hoping that this conversation would go smoothly. The few minutes it took me to get to her house gave me more than enough time to plan the questions I needed to ask. Every visit to my mother had to be strategic, an in-and-out mission, with very little of her time being wasted.

With a heavy sigh, I climbed the stairs to her porch and rang the doorbell. She didn't answer of course. I know she keeps a spare key hidden behind a removable piece of wood in the window sill. I let myself in and put the key back in its hiding spot, suddenly wishing I could hide now too.

My mother, such a special kind of woman. When I walked in, she was sitting at the kitchen table with a cigarette lit in one hand and a glass of Hennessy in the other. She was sitting there alone, smoking and drinking her misery away. With the money that Conrad said he left her, I had hoped she was in better spirits.

"Hey momma," I spoke lightly as I entered into the smoke filled room.

"What you doin here Lena?" She was straight to the point and very aggressive in her tone. Even as a grown woman, I always feel like a scared child in her presence.

"Conrad is gone and I didn't have a chance to speak to him."

"Wrong!" she asserted.

She was right, so I restated, "Conrad is gone and I ran away before he could speak to me."

"That's sounds about right. You always runnin from somethin or somebody. So I'ma ask you
again...What you doin here Lena?" She was getting impatient with me and my downright fear of
this woman jumbled up all the questions I had for her.

"I wanted to ask you about Conrad and what happened."

"Damn Lena why you gotta go diggin up old shit. Let sleeping dogs lie dammit!" she took a pull from her cigarette.

"Well what does he do that's so dangerous he can't be around us?"

"That ain't my business and it ain't none of yours neither!"

"But momma, why would he leave you? Why would he leave me?"

"Lena don't start that shit again! Askin me these same damn questions since you were old enough to talk. Let it go and next time the motherfucka come in town you talk to him!"

I was ready to break down and cry. I don't know what happened to her. I know her life was hard but it seems like she's hellbent on making me pay for it. This woman couldn't have come from my beautiful Nonnie.

"Well what the fuck Lena? You just gonna stand there or say something?"

Her quickdraw knocked me from my thoughts. "Well why did you tell me who Conrad was? I was perfectly fine with treating him like the stranger he was!"

"That's ya problem! You always tryin to stay blissfully ignorant to the shit going on around you! Wake the fuck up Lena! I told you about his snake in the grass ass because you was about to get took on a ride you wasn't ready to go on. I was helping you," her expression softened only for the moment.

"Well if he's such a snake then why did he leave me so much money?! Why did he give you money? What does he want? Really?"

She flicked the cigarette ash into the glass tray, "I don't know shit about any fuckin money and I don't know what he wants! All I know is every time he comes into town, shit hits the fucking fan and I gotta clean up whatever mess he leaves behind! I ain't feel like cleaning you up this time. Not my baby! I warned him about trying to get close to you and that arrogant motherfucka just couldn't stay away! Do me a favor baby and whatever money he gave you... put it into a safe. No banks! Just keep it tucked away for now until we figure out what he wants."

Her demeanor had lightened since I mentioned he gave me money. It didn't sound like she wanted any though. She was worried. It was an emotion I had rarely seen her express but if it was making her be nice to me than I'll take it. Now she wants to figure this Conrad situation out together. I stared at her, "We?"

"Yes Lena...WE will figure this shit out together. You don't know what kind of man he is. He's the reason why I am the way I am. And as blissfully ignorant as you may be, I need you to stay the beautiful soul you are."

She wouldn't look at me, staring only into the empty space in front of her. She took a sip from her glass. I have a feeling there are many things I don't know about what's going on. It's not as simple as I anticipated. It can't just be they fell in love and he got scared and ran off. There's definitely something else to their story. I guess I just gotta wait until Conrad comes back to town.


CONRAD COMES TO TOWN


I was finding it harder and harder to get to sleep. It may be this rock hard sofa in my studio, or these unresolved feelings I have with Conrad.

It had been weeks since I last ran out of the shop....away from him. I was suddenly beginning to realize that Nonnie was right. Since, I hadn't confronted him and got the answers I deserved, it was tearing an even wider hole in me than when I had no idea he'd even existed. I needed to do something but all I want to do right now is get some sleep. I felt around the floor for my phone and my headphones. Maybe if I played some music it would distract me from my thoughts long enough to get some rest. I scrolled through my playlist until I finally landed on some John Legend song. His music always put me to sleep. I turned in to face the couch, pulled my blanket up over my head and before I knew it I was knocked out.

It wasn't until my cup full of paint brushes crashed onto the floor that I stirred from my slumber. I sat up to look around the dark studio. My eyes couldn't quite adjust to the darkness. I squinted around the room but didn't see anything. I pulled the headphone out of my ear just to be sure I didn't hear anything else...there was nothing. My sudden fear subsided as sleep washed over my weary eyes. I shrugged my shoulders, put my headphone back in my ear and laid back down to sleep. There wasn't anything for me to be afraid of. It was the middle of the night, the shop was locked up tight, and I was the only person here. Who would break into a boutique art gallery?

My question was answered shortly after that thought when my easle crashed onto the floor. I jolted up from the couch and turned the lamp on. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. There was a pale skinned woman standing in my studio with a gun pointed directly at me. My hands raised slowly toward the ceiling as I tried to figure out what was going on.

"Where is it?" the woman asked me with a softness I wasn't expecting. It made me calm but only for that moment.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I told her because I honestly didn't.

"I know Conrad was here and he left an envelope here!"

"You want the money?" I was so confused but I hadn't spent any of it. I moved slowly to my desk with my hands still in the air. I opened the drawer I had it in and pulled the envelope out. I tossed it on the floor at her feet and some of the bills spilled out.

The woman bent down with the gun still pointed at my head, and flicked through the contents. She dumped the money on the floor, tossed the note aside, and grumbled something to herself out of frustration.

"It's not here! You don't have too many options here Lena, either give me the flash drive or I'm going to put a bullet in your head!"

"I really have no idea what you're talking about!" I started pleading with her, "There was no flash drive! That's all he gave me! I swear that's all he gave me! The note and the money! So take it! Take it and leave! I don't have anything else of his!" It hadn't even dawned on me at that moment she had referred to me by name. And not my full name, the name reserved for family and close friends. She must feel like she knows me but I have no idea who this woman is.

"I don't have time for games Lena! Just give it to me and I'll go!"

"For the last time, I don't have a flash drive from Conrad. And why are you calling me Lena?"

"Fine, conversation over," the woman stated with finality. She cocked her gun but before she could pull the trigger, I heard two short muffled noises and she fell to the ground. I looked up and saw Conrad standing in the doorway with a gun in his hand. Smoke was billowing out from the silencer muzzle attached to his rather large firearm.

I crumbled at that moment falling back onto the couch. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was having an asthma attack. Conrad moved toward me but didn't say anything. He simply touched my shoulders for me to bring my head down between my knees.

"Deep breath baby girl," he instructed.

I did as I was told.

"That's good just keep breathing baby girl. Everything is going to be alright," he assured me, but I didn't believe him. What had this asshole gotten me into?

He didn't say anything while I was having my panic attack. He waited until I sat up and was breathing regularly before retrieving a bottle of water from my mini fridge. I drank the entire bottle within a matter of seconds. I wish it was something way stronger than water in here but it will have to do for now.

"What the hell is going on?" I finally found my voice.

"That was Grace. An old associate of mine," he didn't offer up any more information than that. I was going to have to ask all of the questions.

"Why was she going to kill me?"

Conrad looked down at me with a look that said I knew the answer to that but he answered me anyway, "She was going to kill you because you weren't going to give her what she came here looking for."

"Alright fine... Why does she think you left whatever she was looking for here?"

"Because I did."

"Why the hell would you do that?!"

"Because I knew you would never think twice about this," he pulled a small pinkish object from his pocket and tossed it to me. It looked and felt like an eraser, but it opened into a flash drive. "I'm sorry Lena. Baby girl I didn't know she was involved. I trusted her."

"Conrad, what the hell is going on here? What's on this flash drive? Who was she to you? And why did she know to call me Lena?"

He took a deep breath now and sat next to me on the couch.

"Grace has been my partner for over fifteen years now. We've spent all this time together and I never thought that she could ever be turned. But I guessed wrong and I'm sorry for that. Over the years, I've been in contact with your mother...checking up on you and whatnot. I even sent her here once to see how you were, that's how she knew to call you Lena. It was to get you comfortable, to let your guard down so you ould tell her what she wanted to know. But sending her here that time didn't go over so well with your mother. And now I know your mother was right about her, I'm just mad it had to come to this for me to see."

"What's on the flash drive?"

"Information," again he offered little explanation.

"Right, information security. So you keep secrets?"

"That's an extremely layman's term for it, but yes I keep secrets for very important people. Sometimes corporations, and even governments every once in a while. But my specialty with Grace was procuring them."

"You steal secrets?!"

"No we secure information for the party paying us to do so by any means necessary."

"Why not just steal money?"

He smiled, "Because information...knowledge... it's worth so much more than money and it can be traded more times than you can ever know. Information is such a valuable commodity."

"Well give me some information then... Why did you drag me into this? Why now? Is this all I was, an opportunity to stash your secrets?"

"I didn't mean to drag you into this. Grace is the only one from my company that knows about you and your actual relation to me. I got wind of something fishy going on so I downloaded all my files onto that drive and stashed it here. It wasn't until Grace was half way here that I knew she was in on it. She mentioned something about the painting and I knew she knew it was going to be here. I'm just glad I made it here in time."

"This is too much all at once. I don't know what to believe."

"You don't have to believe me right now, but what you do have to do is come with me to your mother."

I looked at him like he had three heads, "There's no way I'm bringing any of this nonsense to her doorstep. She'll kill the both of us!"

"She won't... and as a matter of fact she'll be able to tell you see some things to make you believe me. But we gotta go. There will be a cleanup crew here shortly to torch this place and get rid of the body."

"What?" my eyes watered, "but this shop is my life!" I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down
my cheeks.

"Grab that money and build a new one!"


THE END OF CONRAD CHAMBERS


It was still too much for me to grasp. I had no idea of what was really going on. As I walked with
Conrad to my mother's house, things weren't becoming any clearer. He was walking faster than me,
just short of running.

"Please slow down," I called out to him as I struggled to get air into my lungs.

"Keep your goddamn voice down and hurry up! We need to get out of the open!" He grumbled at me. He was angry. I wanted to know why.

"Conrad STOP!" I demanded. I stopped trotting after him and stood firmly rooted to the sidewalk.

He turned around to notice I was no longer following him. He turned around immediately. He charged me and grabbed me by the arm, damn near throwing me into the nearby alleyway. I tripped and stumbled back, falling against the wall behind me. He reached towards me...

While I thought he was going to strike, he grabbed my hand and helped me up to steady myself.

"I thought you were going to hit me," I mumbled with my eyes never lifting from the ground. I stared at our feet. I couldn't look at him, but I still wanted to know what was going on. "Why are you so angry at me? I didn't do anything wrong! As a matter of fact I should be angry with you... And is what you said true? About my shop?"

Just at that moment a fire engine screamed past them down the street. I poked my head out of the alley to see the smoke wafting up into the night sky. The scent of burning paints and paper were beginning to fill the air. I couldn't see the shop, but I knew that's where the fire was. I didn't need Conrad to validate that fact for me anymore. A tear rolled down my cheek.

"I'm not angry at you," he said to me pulling me back into the alley; away from the revealing glare of the street lights. "I'm angry at this situation. It should have never happened. I should have never come here." The anger was absent from his tone. All that was there was the sound of resentment.

"So why did you come? Why come in and pretend to be a complete stranger? Why come and leave a piece of work in MY shop that you knew people would come looking for? Why put my life in jeopardy?"

"I'm getting old, baby girl. Too old to be running around doing what I'm doing. I came here to see if we could bond, to see if we could have some sort of connection, even if it was just as strangers. If your mother hadn't said anything to you I wasn't. I didn't want this for you. I didn't want to come barging in as your father. I just wanted you to like me, so I could ask you to forgive me later. I know it's too late for me to be your dad, but I really just want to be your friend."

Something stirred in the dark corner of the alley. It rattled us both a bit. Conrad grabbed my hand, ending our heart to heart, and pulled me back out onto the street. "Now keep close to me and keep quiet. We gotta get to your mother's."

I never saw anyone chasing us and when we finally got to my mother's house her front door was wide open. Conrad pushed me back and held up his hand, "Wait here."

I did as I was instructed, but after about 20 minutes went by I decided to go into the house. The feeling in the air was heavy and mournful. I was tense and afraid as I stepped into my mother's space. I looked around and tried to listen but I didn't hear anything.

"Lena get yo ass in here girl!"

My mother's voice cut through me like a shard of glass. I walked into the dining room as I had done before. And just like before it was filled with smoke and she had a drink in her hand.

"Where's Conrad?" I questioned her.

"Don't worry about that snake! I took care of him for you."

"What did you do momma?"

"I did what was fucking necessary! He can't just keep popping up like this! It ain't good for you!"

"What did you do?!" My voice was growing frantic with horror in anticipation to what she had done.

She didn't say anything. Her eyes were real low as she took a drag from her cigarette. She motioned her head to the side as she blew the smoke out through her nose. I peered over to the side of the table. There lying on the floor was Conrad Chambers. His eyes looked like they were frozen, gazing out into the unknown. There was a foamy liquid trailing from his nostrils and lips. His fingers were whiteknuckled, clutching a glass. He must have spilled what was inside as he fell to the floor. He never had the chance to let go of the glass as whatever she poisoned him with ran its course through his body. I couldn't stop the tears from falling.

"Why would you do this?" I ran to his body and looked at the stranger laying before me. I didn't have the guts to touch him.

"I told you already Goddammit! Lena, he was no good for you or for any of us! You see how that woman came to kill you right? That was his fault!"

"How did you know about that? That just happened!" I got up and started backing away slowly from my mother and the table between us.

"Don't go getting any ideas! Just sit down and wait here. The authorities will be here soon to clean this up," she said with a devious smile on her face. I knew what that meant... the same people that were probably setting up my shop to make it look like an accident and happened to make it catch fire; would be here next to tie up loose ends.

"So they got rid of my shop, you got rid of Conrad..." my eyes started to dart around the room looking for my nearest escape route.

"You got it baby girl. It's about time you woke up," her smile broke into laughter, and the laughter echoed into the recesses of my mind. They were coming to kill me and it was all her fault. I screamed and ran back towards the front door. It was closed but something looked odd. I could still hear her laughing in the dining room, shouting to me, "It's about time you woke up Lena!"

That's it! The door knob was gone! I banged on it hoping someone would hear me and let me out of this place! I ran to the windows in hopes that I could crawl out into the yard but when I moved the curtain there was a wall. It was as if a window had never been there. I ran opening to opening, doorway to doorway. All I found were knob-less doors, and walls behind curtains. I kicked, banged, and screamed hoping someone would rescue me. Her laughter and her taunting followed me everywhere through the house and she never got up from the table, continuously screaming out to me, "It's about time you woke up Lena! It's about time you woke up girl!"

I finally did.

I sat straight up in my bed looking around the white room. The stocky woman dressed in scrubs made her way over to me. She had a tiny cup, just big enough to hold my morning meds, on her tray with a steaming hot towel and a cup of water. She came close to me with the towel, I moved back quickly out of her reach.

"Now Lena girl, don't make me chase you with this towel and these meds goddammit!" Her voice was that of my mother's. Shrill and sharp. "You been sweatin up a storm, fussin and hollerin in here like something wrong wit you! Let me wipe your face down. It's about time you woke up."

I sat there in my white flanel pajamas and let her wipe the sweat off my head. I looked at her curiously, "Where am I? What did you do with Conrad? Where's Nonnie? And what's happening at my shop?"

The woman looked at me and sighed heavily, "Oh that nightmare again huh? Conrad's shift ends at seven a.m. every morning Lena. You know that. You been here at the Shady Oaks mental health institution for some time now. You used to be a painter, had a small boutique gallery, until one day someone came in that set you off. You burned your shop down honey. Killed that poor man and his family inside. You ain't been right ever since. I'll tell Dr. Nonnie she should come in and speak to you before your session later this evening."

She handed me the cup with my meds, and I took them down with a swig of water. I opened my mouth and lifted my tongue for the nurse to see I had swallowed them. She left me alone in my room, and locked the door behind her. I swung my feet to the ground and slid them into the slippers right beside my bed. I walked over to the window. I was too short to see out of it completely. I could barely make out the top of whatever tree was right outside the glass. The double paned glass was thick, virtually sound proof. My entire room was for that matter. They put me in here so when I screamed for hours on end no one would have to hear, "He was MY father first!"

I would never deny my imperfections, or my quirks. I embrace them as I continue on this journey to loving myself. With that I say I am not always the nicest person to strangers. I'm courteous and polite, but outright nice and caring is not going to happen when you meet me. I'm very honest about the kind of person I am, and I can be blunt and what others may consider mean. I call it low tolerance for bullshit.

This behavior didn't just happen over night tho. It has taken years to cultivate my wicked tongue, and careless attitude toward what others may think about me. My years spent working in retail, specifically customer service, has really enabled me to hone in my talent of switching this curt side of my personality on and off.

So after 27 years of absence, the male who donated a few chromosomes to me decides to pop up and say, "Hey I wanna get to know you." Enter my curt personality!

My initial reaction, "He can go kick broken glass with no socks on!" Enter daddy/abandonment issues. Don't have to deal with it if I'm too angry to even speak about it. Right? Wrong!

My mother was not so pleased with this one. So I promised her I would give him a chance on the condition that he not speak with MY child until I knew he was sticking around and I knew his intention. So we had two conversations and then one day he says he's gonna call me back with some more info about his side of the family and no one hears from him for about 7 months. This was about September last year.

Jump to 2 days ago, guess who pops up! I had long forgotten about the man as I had done so in my impressionable years.

My reaction this time, "Tell him I said he can crawl back under whatever rock he came from! I'm done! He had his chance and he blew it!"

Again my mother not so pleased with this one. She's such a patient woman, me- cut to curt personality. So my mother has been speaking with him and for someone who's so interested in getting to know his "daughter" he sure has a hard time staying in contact. My mother says, "His birthday is the day after yours. He asked me if you had the same mean and no-nonsense attitude he does."

I told her, "Well if he called me he would definitely find out!" Asshole

Just in case you get lost on the site I decided to post the first Q & A again on here! :) There will be another post soon with some of the other characters


Questions for Blake

How did you help Darren out of the “mess”?

As the statute of limitations does not expire for certain crimes, all I will say is that on the night in question Darren was with my father at my house beefing up security around the home, preparing it for my arrival. Yes there is documentation to back that up ;)

Are you aware of his feelings for you?

I noticed Darren following me about a week or so into it. It was too coincidental that this same person had the same exact traveling schedule as I did and I only saw him to and from school. But since he never said anything and always kept his distance, I never perceived him as dangerous and thought it was cute that he had a crush on me. Unfortunately for me though I thought I was in love with a much older, much more put together man, who didn’t spend his time surveilling me… or at least that’s what I thought.

Why did you start the contracts? Why did you decide to be a dom? Do you ever crave a regular relationship?

Who the hell is in a regular relationship? You mean vanilla, right?
Ha! There is give and take in every kind of relationship you form whether it be with a significant other or a stranger on the street. From the moment you decide to converse with someone… there’s a dynamic established right there from the beginning. Based on the circumstances with Adam, I decided to always be the one to decide what those dynamics within my relationship were going to be. I was so helpless when I was with him, and even after he raped me… I made up my mind to never allow someone to have that much control over how I would feel and how I would be used. The contracts usually take the emotion out of the relationship. It’s just a sex thing. No obligations, and no expectations. It lets the person signing know just the type of person they’re getting involved with because I never want someone to be blindsided, I don’t want them to ever be surprised by what goes on in the kinky side of my brain.

How did you get into the cosmetics industry and become so successful?

I had always been into makeup. But after my incident I was very uncomfortable leaving my house with the bruises and scratches on my face…and other places. Even areas that would naturally be covered by clothing made me uncomfortable. I wanted the bruises to go away…I didn’t want to see them anymore. To be reminded daily of what had been done to me. So I began playing around in my makeup, trying to cover everything I didn’t want to see. But as I toiled away, I got hot, I sweated and the foundation smeared. So I talked to my dad about helping me find someone who can help me create waterproof foundation. Not only did he find me a team of people to help, but he paid for it all too. He had his lawyers draft my corporation documents and when his company moved from the building to a larger space, he gave it to me to operate out of. I stayed in school, went to college and double majored in chemistry and business. By the time I graduated, I was ready to start La Rouge Cosmetics. It took me and my team years to find the right products to create an entire waterproof line of cosmetics, but that’s what we did and that’s what makes my company so successful.

Questions for Darren

Why Blake? Why follow her? Why impose yourself into her life?

From the moment I saw her, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I never had the balls to speak to her so I began to follow her in hopes that I would eventually summon up the courage to speak to her. Unfortunately, the morning I found her I wasn’t following her. I realized that somehow the universe had placed her in my life to protect her. My life has been to protect her, I know it wouldn’t feel right for me to do anything else with my life but protect her.


Why have you been serving her for ALL these years? Has anything romantic ever happened between you two?

Honestly, after what she went through I could never bring myself to be sexually aroused by her. I do enjoy when she teases me but I know she just likes to torture people so I allow it. Nothing romantic has ever happened between us. I’ve been with her so long because like I said before, I feel like this was my calling. I was unemployed and roaming around aimlessly when this girl walked by. By me following her, helping her, and making sure she was okay I had inadvertently created the position for myself. Her father paid me to do it until she graduated college and started her company. When my term with her father was up she insisted that I stay on and she would pay me. So here I am.

How do you feel about her love life?

If that’s what you call it. These guys, and I even think there was a woman once, but anyway they sign these agreements in hopes that somewhere down the line they’ll be Fifty Shaded. That Blake will all of a sudden allow her heart to open up, love them, and upgrade their social status and probably their bank accounts. The notion is ridiculous, but it’s not my life right? I mean Benjamin was the closest guy to that, but he was just scratching the surface when all hell broke loose with David.

Questions for Benjamin

Where did you come from? Do you have family?

I come from a small town in Nowhere U.S.A. I was born to Barbara and Reginald Dalton. They had me after several years and attempts to have a child. So my mother was in her late forties when she had me, and my father was several years her senior. She died giving birth to me, and my father did the best he could on his own. He’s suffering from Alzheimer’s and barely knows I exist anymore. It’s difficult to watch, so I rarely see him and barely speak to him. It’s hard for me having to remember our lives together while he forgets everything. So I stay away.

How did you decide to become a lawyer?
What’s with the monotonous running routine?

I was on the debate team and the track team throughout high school and my undergrad. Running helps keep me calm, helps me meditate and control my thoughts. It keeps my body in impeccable shape and it was on a run my freshman year in college that I decided to go into pre-law. I wanted to help people, and that was a great way to utilize my assets as a great debater.

How long have you been obsessing over Blake?

I’m sure that Darren can back me up on this, but it’s been since the day I first saw her. It was about two months before I ran her over that Miss Pink Shoe crossed my path and I couldn’t help but fantasize about her.

Do you love her?

I care about her deeply, but it’s too soon for me to know if its love or not.

What makes you take on the submissive role so easily?

Well, I could see how much my mother meant to my father. There was sadness behind his eyes, even though he tried to hide it. My upbringing molded me into this man who is very eager to please. I wanted to do everything possible to take that look from his eyes. I also found that people listen more to my way of thinking when they feel superior, when they feel like they are in control. So I learned to turn that part of my personality on and off like a switch.

I must admit that I am guilty of this myself... but this is only so because I didn't do the research. I had no idea that nearly 80%(<- my guess no scientific data to back that number up) of all books are apart of a series.

When I started joining groups one of the first discussions I stumbled upon was "I hate Series!" or something like that. Ever since then, most of the books I have read have been apart of some series. And the worst part about most of these are the cliffhangers!!! They just stop dead in the middle of the plot! My first novel can be read as a stand alone although it will leave you wondering about the sociopath at the end... but if you don't want to read the sequel it's not entirely necessary because that plot carried through and ended. The sequel is an entirely new story but just catches up with some of the previous characters.

I am considering not to do any more sequels or prequels or any type of book that requires consecutive reading, because it's highly annoying especially when the sequel won't be out for months after you read the first one! (I'm also guilty of this but I didn't take into consideration how much I would despise sequels until I read so many cliffhanging book 1's of series so-and-so) My sequel isn't due out til Christmas! I'm probably going to have to speed that up tho, but I wanted to give some time to get some traction so that there would be a buzz going about book two.

I can't stand it! Honestly for alot of these series that I have read you can put all three books into one and have an extraordinary novel instead of three small novellas. I understand that it's a sales tactic... I'm not naive or stupid, but it's annoying and its grinding my gears right now.

I'm getting to the point where I'm checking books pages on amazon just to be sure I don't have to go out and buy the rest of the series because I received apart of it on here for FREE!! Another diabolical deed by us authors...WHY ARE YOU GIVING AWAY BOOK 2 OR BOOK3 in your series and expect us readers to have already read the first one and if not go out and buy it so we can do an honest review? Some authors are up front but many I have found don't say anything until you either buy the book or you finish it and you're left like what the fuck?! You're really just gonna end it with Mark & Jane falling off the cliff dangling in midair? (<-not an actual plot but that's how these stories make me feel)


But I digress... sometimes its necessary to have more than one book to a plot. But for me and my future work, I think most will just be spin off novels where the characters are linked but the plots aren't dependent on one reading the other books to understand what's going on in the current one. Is anyone else tired of the series novels or is it just me?

So I just finished reading The Warehouse, a wonderfully crafted masterpiece that made me wonder... How often do you as an author allow yourself to revel in the crevasses of your mind? How often do you rewrite something because you think it is morose, or just downright inhumane? How often do you censor your imagination to qualm the fears of society? To avoid the judgment? We're all protective of our work as it is, but if/when we tap into something so twisted, to be judged on the content rather than the creativity and courage it took to write it must be so earth shattering that we hold back. Don't lie to anyone, especially yourself, and say that you have never thought an evil or hurtful thought... even if it were to wish harm onto someone who "deserves" it.

I have been toying with some ideas and wonder what kind of author would I truly be if I only explored the suspenseful romance, and not with everything else? In all other matters in my life I have taken on the attitude that what I do is no one else's business, so why stop now? If it is well written and just mere figments of our imagination... Is it truly useful for so many to keep Trying to Hide from their own darkness?

I'm in the middle of writing my sister novel to Loving Blake... Loving Nina (coming Christmas 2014) and it dawns on me that as I am moving through these emotional moments with these characters I am getting caught up in the moment myself. Am I crazy for this? How weird is it that I can bring myself to tears by watching some scene play out in my head that is about completely imaginary characters? I'm thinking to myself this is a most absurd act! These characters have been living their lives on my screen for a while now and I'm so engrossed in their world it's bringing me into a reality that doesn't exist. But my emotions are the character's emotions that they're feeling as they're going through it and I am feeling it as if I am in the novel, as if I am screaming full of pain, guilt, and sorrow. Oh what a twisted web we weave as writers. How dangerous is your imagination if you can feel the emotions that are spewed from it?