Kristy Nelwan's Blog

Of some defining moments in my 2018, this one is my fave. And of course, just like so many others, this one also features my parents. 
It was a slow long weekend afternoon at our family home. Ibu was baking, the kids (we’re forever ‘the kids’ in that house) were watching Netflix, Ayah was out for his daily walk. Around 5 pm the phone rang, Ibu answered. It sounded like she was talking to Ayah, “...aaw poor thing! ...sure, they can use some cold drink and snacks? ...yes, ok, see you soon.” 
She updated us right away, “Ayah met three lost tourists from Amsterdam nearby, they booked a house through a website but seems like they got scammed.” 
There were three of them in their early 20s, two guys and a lady, with their backpacks, looking super exhausted. Two of them landed in Jakarta that morning from Bali and the other one from Amsterdam. They took a travel car to Bandung directly from the airport, hoping to check in to the house they booked and rest before trekking around Kawah Putih the next day. Turned out the house they booked and paid was a scam, and they had nowhere to stay for the next 3 nights in Bandung. 
Mum made them ice tea. Ayah brought out some jars of cookies and snacks. I tried to find some alternatives of hotel/home via app (every decent-affordable hotels are fully booked, it was a long weekend after all). Graz made some phone call to his Bandung-base friends to check if any if them have available space to rent. One of Graz’s friends who once spent a couple of years in the Netherland immediately said yes and came to fetch our guests, bless him and his wife. He said that they have a room with a queen bed but they maybe need an extra mattress, Mum said he can take one of our’s. 
Before leaving, one of the men very politely say thanks to my parents, “Your husband saw us looking confused on the street, and he asked what happened. You could just continue walking, but you stopped and offered to help. First you helped us to find the address, and when it didn’t work you offered us your home. We were just visitors in here and we didn’t want to bother anyone, but to be honest we were desperate. And I can’t believe that you just took us to your home and helped us finding a place to stay, we’re practically strangers to you. I really don’t know how to thank you, we owe you big.”
Ibu, smiling in her fave Bali t-shirt, said, “You don’t owe us anything. Today it’s you who need help, and it’s us who help you. One day you will meet other people who need help and you will help them, that’s how it works. There have been countless of kind people who helped our family through our journey, and this is how we ensure that their kindness stays alive.”
Ibu and Ayah just celebrated their 38th anniversary last week, my very own #relationshipgoal since as far as I can remember. 
Happy new year, everyone. May we all be kinder, wiser, stronger.

I wanted to be a fashion designer when I was a kid. 
I remember reading an article about Ghea Sukarya in which she was praised for her ‘very Indonesian’ design, her attention to details, and how she makes our nation proud in the international fashion scene. I wanted to be like her: making pretty outfits, dressing up her models at the backstage, directing photo shoot. She was so cool, #lifegoal kalau anak sekarang bilang. I even took some sewing lessons! 
For a good couple of years I’d alter my outfits myself, when I was ‘inspired’ I’d make my own top or dress from scratch. I can’t claim that those outfits are masterpieces

Or else you won't be here, on my page. Reading my thoughts, trying to understand them, even after so many years. 
It's alright I sometimes think of you too. If you've grown. If you still detest capitalism. Or if you've seen now that it actually make sense. 
(to be continued) 

Four years after, the very same thought haunts her: On who does she want to be there on her last moments. When she'd be really alive. 
And just like he did, she feels guilty as hell. 

Lately I've been having this thought: I wish I don't question so much. I wish I don't think too much. I wish I can just be honest and tell you. 
But complication, and strong feelings, they make me nervous. Most of the times too much. They make me stop walking, talking, breathing. 
They make me stop writing. 
But I do.
(Love you too) 

Lately I've been having this thought: I wish I don't question so much. I wish I don't think too much. I wish I can just be honest and tell you. 
But complication, and strong feelings, they make me nervous. Most of the times too much. They make me stop walking, talking, breathing. 
They make me stop writing. 
But I do.
(Love you too) 

An ex has been sending me meaningless messages since I started posting Instastories for the past couple of weeks. Not sure why, messages would go around "you look pretty" or "you look happy" etc.

Last week he, being married with kids himself, innocently asked me the question:

"Don't you want to be married, Krist? I promise it's going to make you happier." 
This is not the first time for me, hello I'm in my mid 30s. But I think I want to record my answer here, not to start a debate or matchmaking madness (hello, I'm me) but just in case someone needs a reference to answer such a typical question.
"You know, the young me used to listen and adore your point of view. But now, it's either you've lost your wisdom, or I've grown much wiser

Let's not define this more than: that it's beautifully painful. Let's not discuss the longing, the what ifs, the whys. Let's not talk about the uncertainties because..
...well, they said life is short: pick your battles. So let's ignore the fact that our hearts beat a bit slower, a bit heavier. 
And our eyes glisten. 
(I miss you) 

I always ended up chopping my letter into one normal-but cold, impersonal, template like-sentence. For millions reasons. 
One for millions. 
Maybe some day I'll tell you a story about what growing up means to me. And I'll listen to yours.
Till then, I hope you're well and happy.

They said people grew apart, but I never thought there will ever be a day like this. Those empty words and technicalities, the sky was bright but we were not. 
Anymore. 
You've changed and I wish you haven't. Because, yes I heard that time heals. But in this case, 

losing the pain itself kinda hurts.