Balance is a word I use often and freely. It's a word that I aspire to. To be in balance with myself, with nature, with the people around me.But balance isn't easy. The very definition of the word implies this. The loss of balance also has negative implications that are easy to explain away but hurt none the less.We live in a world of all or nothing. Of excess and obsession. Of impatience and instant gratification.Get skinny NOW!Get rich NOW!Find true love NOW!Become happy NOW!The thing is you can't have any of these things. You can't own them. Life is not a video game that can be unlocked, and then you advance to the next level.Health, happiness, wealth, success, and love are intangible things that flow through you at varying levels. They are subjective constructs that cannot be granted indefinitely. They are impermanent.Sometimes P Charm and I sit up late into the night and discuss. We discuss anything and everything. We argue, and debate, and lament, and excitingly agree on many topics.The most recent being creativity and the illusion of permanence. We spoke of books and music and movies and art. We discussed the evolution of art and debated the definitions and intent of high brow vs. low brow. We worked through the value of entertainment as well as how certain tropes and story lines can harm us as a society. We talked about the nature of being offended and the consequences of being afraid to speak truth in art. We talked about internet mobs and how fast a career can be ruined because a few people had their feelings hurt and wanted someone to answer for it immediately.We talked a lot about my fear. We talked a lot about my creativity and the desperate way I've been clinging to the idea that I must be creating. That I NEED it because it's who I am.I AM a writer.This is a lie. I'm not a writer. I'm a person who writes. Sometimes. Sometimes I'm a person who tries to write. Other times I am a person who hates writing. But the truth is, like all inspiration and creativity, I don't own it. It can't be held in my hand or sealed in a jar to use when I need it.I know these things, but why is it so hard to internalize?Why do I keep saying things like "When I do this..." or "When I release this..." or "Once I have..."?One of the things I respect most about the man I chose to love is his inability to sugar coat anything. He says things the way he means them and it's not too often I'm left guessing the intention behind his words. He listened to me for a long time and then said."I don't think you have any idea what you want to do with your writing yet."My first instinct was to make excuses...Life changes, the industry, the right book...I've been publishing for four years, so obviously I know what I'm doing, right?Nope.As much as I hate to admit it, he's right (don't tell him I said that). I don't. I don't have a clue what I'mreallytrying to say.The problem for me is that I like a lot of things. I'm interested in almost everything. I like to experiment.I've been experimenting for four years and because of tech advances I've been able to experiment publicly.I'm still just trying things. Essentially, throwing shit at a wall to see what sticks. I'm working on finding that sweet spot in the center of craft and creativity where I feel the most balanced. But what P Charm so charmingly pointed out to me is that my focus is misdirected and my search for balance has become an obsession. I spend too much time worrying about things I can't control."You love to write, right?" P Charm says to me in the middle of my rambling paragraph of plans and excuses and I nod."So then write. Fuck all that other shit. Who cares what people think you should do. Just write."For 2017 that's going to be my mantra, my motto, my motivation.My answer to all life's problems.Just write.