A day…a month…a year…..and yet nothing has changed…for me at least.  She was the first true love of my life….you can ask how I know that and I won’t mind because I do know now. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t been with people before then, I had gone out with quite a few but it was the fact that after she came I lost interest in everyone else. She became the center of my world. I wanted to wake up with her face in front of me for the rest of eternity. She was everything a person could hope for….beautiful, caring, intelligent, sweet and best of all, she was herself! There is something in each of us that make us unique. It is hard to pinpoint that one thing or those groups of things until you know a person completely…until you know them, sense them with each breath that you take and she was the ONE. I was painfully aware of her, she would move her hand and I’d be able to feel each nerve standing on end…waiting….anticipating….

I loved her…..I worshipped her…I kept her on a pedestal and she was all that was good and great. I did get mad at my goddess sometimes but who doesn’t? I wanted to give her everything that I could…everything that I was capable of. She had to but ask…and I would lay the stars at her feet. Days passed…..my devotion increased. People say that with time love vanishes….I beg to differ. Like a wine that needs time to mature, my love for her grew each day….evolved each day…to become something incomprehensible and yet it was the only logical part of my life. I like to think she liked me in the beginning…maybe even found me amusing. Days and nights sped by with a speed I cursed each day. But who am I to halt the flow of time? And then came a day, my Goddess decided she had had enough. It is hard to isolate the exact moment. But one day she was there…the next she wasn’t.

Life lost its meaning. Imagine you have known God….worshipped the real God and then one day he disappears, leaving you with memories and the only option of loving HIM from far. That is how it was for me. I was a leaf lost on the wind. I was a lonely cloud in search of a place to rain down upon. I was a lone bird lost from its flock, looking for a roost. I was a tiny paper boat in an ocean…a paper boat that was launched and forgotten. I unraveled….I lost definition…I lost track of space and time….I wandered and dreamed. My dreams were the best part…they hurt me….but at least I got to see her…dreams of being with my beloved…dreams of her soft hands…dreams of her sweet voice…I would dream of her lovely lips forming words…beautiful words that if only I could hear would tell me the way home…but I could just watch with increasing desperation as she moved farther and farther away and I could not even make out the shape of her words. I would wake up to find that I was still lost and my piteous cry would howl on the wind.

What became of me? I wonder that sometimes too…..maybe I am the wind that howls at night…which gives people shivers and reminds them of the fear…the deep, dark fear of the unknown. Maybe I am the shadow on the wall on a deserted street…a shadow that makes a person hurrying home at night think of ghosts and start muttering prayers under their breath. Maybe I am the sound of crickets at night that makes little babies cry….or that overwhelming feeling of loneliness you feel sometimes. Or maybe I am the echo from the mountains….a faint refrain…a reminder of something that once was.

I don’t know, I don’t remember….but the next time, you see something that frightens you…or makes you remember how lonely you are…..remember me….because it could be me…trying to send a message through anyone who would listen….tell her…I still love her…will always do…