Dear Reader:

Please note that this is a posthumous post.

Dale wanted to finish his Thanatos posts but wasn’t well enough or focused enough to do so. He asked me to put something up as best I could.

After he passed I went into his journal and was able to cull what you are about to read. At this point in his illness he always kept his journal nearby along with his favorite pen but his handwriting, frequently hard to decipher in the best of times, became more and more challenging to read.

Please note that, as you will read on, one of his last remarks was “The pain outran the pen.”

I suggest care as he takes you through these last weeks. It can be a rough read at times.

– Laura, Mantis Hill

November 1 Wednesday

Vomited last night when trying to eat.

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Yesterday, finished revision of “Bones”, wrote to Andrew,

Also finished Divine Spark, posted it

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Remember that nightmare:

between Rock and a Hard Place

where I was literally stuck – my trunk on top of my skull –

other side pressed against the horizontal outcrop

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DAY OF THE DEAD

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November 2, Thursday

3rd night at the Stanyan Park Suite

“This radiation sucks.”

I have 4:1 CBD/THC and Compazine

Still the effect is surprisingly fast and cumulative

Focused, yes, on the tumors in my spine,

but collateral damage to the intestines

After radiation:

Only 20 minutes today

Huge hydra machine combined with CT scan

like large army with x-ray mirrors, x-ray lenses, sensors.

Slowly revolving, 360 degrees around me

Then in and out of the scanner

Met Zen chaplain Jamie Kimmel in the meditation room on the first floor at Mission Bay

Then again in the cafeteria

Sent him my blog address

Wonder if he’ll go there and read

10PM: might not be so bad tonight.

Was able to eat rice and pork from the food cart across from the hotel

Early bed

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November 3 Friday

Will go in for IMBRT

(Intensity Modified Body Radiation Therapy)

Yesterday not too bad until late evening.

Lower back right side

Took meds – back to bed

10:44 – the pain is (smeared) a bit – edgy, not so sharp … better?

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November 4 Saturday

Home

Rained all night. Noon: still raining. Finally: it’s over.

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Dinner: asked for lasagna – one bite and threw it right up.

Evidently more nausea than I thought. Vomit.

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And Anna keeps getting infections – now she’s home on hospice.

Dear Anna:

I remember serving you string beans at sesshin.

I have cancer myself and will follow.

Love, Dale

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'I can’t do what people tell me to do – so I guess I will remain the same.'
- Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay, Otis Redding

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November 5

Sunny!

We’ll go back to SF today.

Bring a book for Matthew at the front desk – The Great Bay

7:30 – 8:00 ate soup and 2 bites of tuna

9:30 vomited. Maybe ate too much or too quickly. Bad vomit, hurts around the base of the back.

Bitter. Very bitter. Damn!

Took a Compazine. Very little in stomach. Took canna.

It’s hard to retch – hurt too much.

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Viet Cong’s Revenge

The AK47

Uncle Ho’s Trojan Horse….

Can we take the AK47s off the street. Please.

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November 6 Monday

At the Stanyan Park

Night was so-so

For later today: nausea

CBD? Compazine?

First, PET scan: then more tests.

After that it was downhill —

didn’t sound like good news

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Ask Nelson:

Where is the Buddha in all of this?

As soon as he crawls through here I’m going to bite him

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Long ride home. lots of traffic :

I knotted up — a spot lower right back

Tired

Took a dropper of 4:1 CBD:THC

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November 7 Tuesday

Pretty sore this morning and I don’t like the light-headedness

No food.

Weak from hunger and fatigue.

The nausea much worse – say, worst so far.

Subtle though – different from vertigo

Dark now. Spent all day inside, mostly horizontal.

Or maybe pain is a constant.

The procedures just crank out extra pain now … that there be relief later.

Bad Day. Bad Day. Nausea. High pain – 7 – in lower back.

Fight with Laura – I asked for chicken soup. She got a chicken, soup vegetables, spent hours cooking – then I couldn’t eat the special chicken soup I asked for.

Me: horizontal almost all day.

No Food.

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8 November Wednesday

High pain – hitting some 8s.

All from lumbar area – very sharp strong pain.

5pm: spent most of the day in back brace.

Worked some in the herb kitchen.

HOT DAMN

That was a 10.

And not in a good way.

Was going to eat rice, pulled pork. Tasted good.

Then tasted the slice of avocado.

Had 1/2 glass of apple juice.

1/2 glass milk.

Seemed so safe.

Had taken Zofran

But felt vomit twinge – went to the bathroom

And tried to retch – the pain around the band that circles my back like a bolt.

The pain around my retch band was so intense – (now I know what a 10 is) —

that it cut the retch in half. Just immediately. Stopped squeezing.

That wasn’t the last. Happened two more times, each one resulting is a “shock 10 pain” and an aborted retch.

Took a wastebasket to the side of the bed.

O.M.G.

Please, please, never, never want to go through that again.

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9 November Thursday

Another high pain back day. All in that lower lumbar belt.

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Wendy is working in the herbarium.

I know she wanted to work with me more … maybe Saturday.

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High pain numbers all day.

Ate some oatmeal this am

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10 November Vet’s Day Friday

Pain down .9 pct (that’s with MS Contin)

Appetite 9.1

Still extreme fatigue.

Lousy feeling.

Pain.

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Saturday 11 November

10pm lots of soreness but maybe not as bad as yesterday

Note to Wendy: better way to find locations where I collected plant specimens

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Sunday November 12

Laura is terrified of losing me

A CARD

ANY WAY WE CAN

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Monday November 13

Pain 6-7

Upstairs 6

Downstairs couch 7

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Tuesday November 14

email note to Nelson – catch up

maybe get a kid to do repairs

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Wednesday November 15

High Pain 8

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November 16

I feel like I’ve been shot through the breast.

Entrance around left nipple

Exit wound: more below left scapula

How it happened …

ain’t no man to say

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Nancy L: the quality of the pain has changed

If/any pain free (without) (unreadable)

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November 17 Friday

A self (unreadable) of my night: and at sleep if can

General pain

This last night: no or… one, interrupt extra next

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18 November Sunday

Nelson visits am

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19 November Sunday

Called Chris Hall and cancelled the talk at Sierra College on The Great Bay

How was I going to get from parking lot to the library? Do they have a wheelchair?

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20 November Monday

In Denial:

very sorry Chris I was in denial

Dream/collage/permeability/ watch out

This crossing was linguistic or proto-linguistic

When Laura and I were awake asked her about the piles of blankets, piles of blankets –

Hints of works, nite/leasing the dream warehouse!

I admired how well Laura was handling the dream warehouse –

Laura: told me “dust offering”

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November 22 Wednesday

Maintenance mode: slept on bed OK

Right now: 3 or 3-4

I think this is the best I’ve felt in weeks.

So, sure – we’ll start Stivarga

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Leave a note to Marici:

A lot of my dying has already gone on –

but I don’t want you to be completely out of it

so that you think my death is sudden.

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Meeting with Margo from Hospice Transitions:

hospice means no active care. No scans. No labs.

Stivarga = St. Ivarga

So … brain can be a refuge

If Stivarga gives six extra months

of which you are sick two

that’s a good trade off…

(?)

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A to do list:

Letter to Marici

Call Phil about being assist doc

Drawing paper and colored pencils for Blessings

Jen – need dedication

Dale – need dedication

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Thanksgiving Day November 23

A Good Cry

A deep cry with Laura

== a piece of music did it ==

I see I am just like everybody else
I don’t want to die
I’m not afraid of death
In with Socrates on that point
& Zen study
But I don’t want to kill myself
it’s just not what life should be doing

& yet I’m not sure there is any alternative

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30 songs on thumb drive

100 songs?

Rock “Purple Haze”

Jazzy

Pharoah

Moby

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Heard a hit of Alone Again Or…

I could be in love … with almost anyone

Had a good cry

worked on listening to more on a stick

figuring out how to do the next one

Pain 2-4 >>>>>

listening to music

<<<<< Pain 3-5

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24 November Friday

That all children realize that all magic is within.

And for Kaden, first to ever hear this story.

(And for Scarlett who never heard it but got to read it herself)

10:15

can’t keep up the writing

Or… it’s the wrong writing

Or… I write the same thing over and over

Time for visual art.

Or… Blessings only

Blessings
From the Universe
For All

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Read over old posts:

I do see (unreadable) now

Maybe 3 to 1

A slow gradual improvement then BOOM

“Big Jack Pot”

But (unreadable) not to be missed

Or … a (rather) sudden uptick in pain

Days 3-5

Today 4.5

That goes on for weeks

Then a respite

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November 25 Saturday

>> Laura sends me P/T revision

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The Search for Appetite

How to find something I want to eat.
Everything that looks good – changes color if I sit down to eat.

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November 26

Sunny.

Today’s Blessing:

today I felt hungry

but afraid to eat

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November 27 Monday

A good day to watch for blessings

Mantis Hill to UCSF to Mt Zion with a stop at The Apothecarium.

I drove the first half

Slightly too late … retch

Saw Nancy L at UCSF

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November 28 Tuesday

Dr Kelley

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“ volcano” – find. Bring out.

procedures & bed & comfort

So… more St. Ivarga

Food – DP puled “what don’t called”

YOW – couldn’t eat at Denny’s

Tried to retch

Pain kept building

Very discouraging visit at UCSF actually

Dr Kelley sees lots of, several, hot spots that could be treated different ways –

but if the “St Ivarga” doesn’t work

on all of them

I lose

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November 29 Wednesday

slept most of the day – hardly left the house

pain is 5 mid back, lower back

pain is 6 – short of breath because of pain when I expand chest

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