Things I’ve learned from watching Criminal Minds on Netflix:



If you’re a serial killer, there’s about a 99.99999% chance it’s all your parents’ fault.


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When an FBI agent leaves the job for any reason, they’re usually replaced with someone similar looking of the same gender and hair color. Replacing a brunette with a blonde would make the world stop turning or something.



If you’re a serial killer, at some point you’ll probably be interrupted by a ringing cell phone right before you off someone. So annoying.



[image error]Things I’ve Learned from Binge-Watching Criminal Minds

All geniuses are experts in every single subject in the history of the world. Nothing gets by them. Whatever knowledge would be helpful in a particular situation, they just happen to have it. Forget superheroes, you need a genius following you around at all times.

Don’t talk to strangers in parking lots. Or anywhere. Ever. Just don’t.

Especially don’t help strange people put stuff in vans with sliding doors. Those are kidnappermobiles.

W. T. Fallon is the author of Fail to the Chief, a political satire in which the presidential election is carried out via reality show, which is much less bizarre and far-fetched as our current reality. 

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