Been a while huh? My will to blog seems to have disappeared along with my writing mojo, mostly because I don’t know what to blog about. But here it goes anyhow.

Things are puttering along mostly the same. I want to write, but when I sit down at my computer, I start writing and the next thing you know, I’m falling asleep. I literally cannot stay awake. I don’t know why.

Those of you who read or write in the m/m genre undoubtedly know about all the uncertainty going on over at Dreamspinner Press and I think that’s part of my problem lately.

When DSP said yes to my first book I was so over the moon I almost fell off my couch. It was like a dream for me, one that I never really talked about out loud, but seemed to come true none the less. Then they bought the second and the third and I was so damned proud of being a Dreamspinner author.

I still am.

I finally felt like maybe I would be leaving some small legacy behind me. It’s why I published under my real name. I wanted to be able to look back in the future and say “See? This is me. I did this really awesome thing once upon a time.”

And this not knowing what’s going to happen is killing me. Because I foolishly thought those books would always be there. That I could go to Amazon and look myself up and if I could see myself there, then other people might see me too. That doesn’t happen a lot, being seen.

But if DSP goes under, the books will go away and I am neither rich or smart enough to self-publish and what other publisher will want my mediocre novels? (Except Wrapped Up in Chains. I still think it was pretty damn good.)

I’ve not picked sides and I suspect I’m not the only one. It’s hard because there are writers I admire so much on both sides of the fence. Some are bound and determined that things are fine and if we only have a little patience and faith everything will work out. Of course, those are authors who’s names are synonymous with making tons of money for DSP and are probably the first to be paid. I want to believe them with all my heart though. I want DSP to thrive.

I have a hard time believing that the authors who are angry with DSP are lying, but I keep feeling like there’s more to this story than the public is hearing. I kinda wish I knew what to believe and I kinda don’t. There’s nothing like denial to keep the hope alive in your heart.

I haven’t been paid yet for the second quarter but its the first time I haven’t been. However I have a hard time believing that they aren’t intending to pay when they’ve gone through the trouble of having me sign up for Tipali and Box.com. I’m not owed a bunch and I’m holding out hope that it will be paid. I still believe that Elizabeth and the rest are trying hard to keep everything going and trying to do what’s best for all the authors who have put their works into their safekeeping.

It’s wearing me down though. I haven’t felt this lost since 2009 when I discovered Nuke and started writing fanfiction. I miss those early days so much right now, when I felt like finally I’d found people like me and that maybe I wasn’t so weird or strange after all. I miss the feeling of belonging that I found within that fandom. Louise and Dani and Sue and Mike and especially Anna and Ryan (10 years later Ryan, can you believe it???) You all still hold places in my heart that I can’t even begin to explain how special you are.

Another issue I’m having is that I’m questioning my right to write what I do. Some days I wonder how I dare to write about two gay men as a cis woman. The problem is that I have no interest in joining the Harlequin or Mills and Boon crowd. It just doesn’t interest me in the least. I haven’t read a het romance in 10 years and considering the volume of them I use to plow through before that, that’s saying something.

I’ve also had a little shot taken at my own morality. My Uncle Brian was killed in an accident a few weeks ago. It was such a blow to me and my family. The man was so much larger than life and when my mom told me, I think a few circuits blew in my brain…and my heart. I have several elderly family members and when mom told me she had to tell me something, that’s what I was expecting to hear about.

Uncle Brian? It was unfathomable. He and my Aunty Leanne hosted my wedding. They fixed up their acerage until it was a little piece of Heaven and then Uncle says “we arranged it with neighbors that you could do your photos there. Their garden is beautiful.” Of course we refused and did our photos right there at Hidden Acres, where so much love was invested into our day.

Did I mention that they are not related by blood? They are family I got to choose not that I was born with and I can’t imagine my life without them. We’ve all drifted apart in the past few years, as families grow and time creeps by without us noticing, but I always knew they’d be there if I needed them.

Last year was my parents 50th wedding anniversary and I’m so grateful to everyone who came to celebrate with us. But it wasn’t perfect until Uncle Brian and Aunty Leanne and their kids (who are grown-assed adults with families of their own) pulled up. I watched them get out of the car and started to cry. Uncle Brian gave me a big hug and said “how’s it going kiddo.” All of the sudden it was great.

Anyway, that’s what’s up with me. I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and man, do I hate rollercoasters. Sorry for being so absent. I won’t make any promises that I can’t keep but I’ll try to do better.

My dad and Uncle Brian

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