“When I came to China, the cold-water taps on the water dispensers at the airport didn’t work and all these Chinese people were just getting hot water out of the machine and I just couldn’t believe it! I tried to tell them and they just ignored me and kept getting the hot water out of the machine and even drinking it! Once I got to my apartment, I was scared to go outside for weeks. When I finally did, I discovered some Chinese people are even really friendly and some of them are actually even quite smart! I just couldn’t believe it! Also, I’ve tried and tried to learn Chinese but I just can’t. About all I can say is shay-shay and I prob’ly even am still saying that wrong”

The above isn’t miles away from a verbatim quote; accuracy limited only by my memory. It was part of an expat’s speech in praise of China at a seminar at the foreign employment bureau (FEB) in Guangzhou (2019). Many readers may find the quote harmless and wonder what it’s doing in a blog-post about expat racism. Others may be wiser. Read on to find out why the above is more racist than it sounds and if this blog-post turns out to be old news to you, then share it with someone who could learn from it. Or if you disagree with anything here, I’d like to hear your views in the comments section.

Present during the FEB speech in question were a couple of hundred expats (including me) but more importantly, various Chinese officials and FEB staff who were (still are, presumably), as fluent in English as native speakers. And worse again, far more articulate expat speakers took the podium and even if they used bigger words and more eloquent turns of phrase, they delivered the same message; they were surprised to find Chinese people were as human as anyone. I all but hid my face in shame to be associated with any of them. But I’ve realised it does little good to be hard on these people. I don’t think they knew what they were doing and if they realised, they would probably be shocked and not want to make the same mistake again. But how can they ever realise and learn if nobody tells them what they are doing, in a non-confrontational and helpful way? So this is me, trying to do that. I hope this message is received in the spirit of helpfulness in which it’s intended.

I suspect the speaker in question remains to this day, completely unaware of the extent of his xenophobia (fear of foreigners). He may even (definitely, actually, he said so at the time) think he has reached a lofty vantage of culturally open enlightenment, through his exposure to Chinese culture. It’s also fair to say that while misguided, his intention was genuinely to praise the locals; all he probably thought he was saying was, “China is a pretty good place in the end.” While his altered view is definitely a step in the right direction, it still shows that he views Chinese people to be very different from him, as if they are almost a different species and not people, just like him. It’s a bit like saying, “you’re not bad at this…for a woman” or “For a disabled person, you’re pretty cool”.

For those who don’t understand the lightning-quick and often unconscious thought processes and sets of beliefs “innocent seeming” comments like these come from, they probably come across as harmless and well intended. It’s not until you understand what a person has to unconsciously believe, feel and think, in order to use the exact words they use, that you see how damaging they are. To help illustrate this idea, let me decode his speech for you, in chunks.

Here’s the first chunk:

When I came to China, the cold-water taps on the water dispensers at the airport didn’t work and all these Chinese people were just getting hot water out of the machine and I just couldn’t believe it! I tried to tell them and they just ignored me and kept getting the hot water out of the machine and even drinking it!

Here is the decoded version:

I am used to drinking cold water. What I am used to is what everyone in the whole world must be used to. So if I discover the machines don’t have cold water then the only possible interpretation of the situation is that there’s something wrong with them! They must be broken or something. And I don’t know what’s wrong with all these people that they don’t seem to have worked it out. I’ll try and help them, here I go… Oh! They’re ignoring me [possibly because I’m speaking in a foreign language they don’t understand and gesticulating at the machine like a madman but…]! Oh my god! They’re crazy! It’s the end of the world! I knew things would be all weird here! I was scared to come in the first place and now it’s all going wrong like I thought it would!

Next chunk:

Once I got to my apartment, I was scared to go outside for weeks.

Decoded version:

I was scared of being in a new place where people drink hot water. What other evil madness might be lurking in wait to kill me?

Next chunk:

When I finally did, I discovered some Chinese people are even really friendly…

Decoded version:

I thought Chinese people and possibly all people who weren’t from my country would be unfriendly and hostile. I was surprised that they weren’t. And not a little relieved.

Next chunk:

…and some of them are actually even quite smart!

Decoded version:

I thought all people who weren’t from my country, would be really stupid and uneducated [because they can’t speak English].

Last chunk:

Also, I’ve tried and tried to learn Chinese but I just can’t. About all I can say is shay-shay and I prob’ly even am still saying that wrong.

Decoded version:

It’s hard to learn a new language and easier to stay in my English-speaking expat bubble and just get along as well as I can buying things, taking buses etc.

What this all boils down to is that Mr Speaker was scared of leaving home and functioning in fear mode, he interpreted even the most workaday of things as threats. There being no actual threats in the vicinity, he, like almost all of us tend to do, pinned his fear on random elements of his surroundings (more about this later) and acted accordingly; effectively running away from the hot water machine, trying to warn others off it (like any sensible herd animal would do…if there was a genuine threat) and hiding in his apartment until he was able to regulate (calm) his fear and felt safe enough to come out. Note that in this case, his fear was not an accurate reflection of the environment. It was disproportionate.

Although our speaker spoke in an unfortunate place (within earshot of locals fluent in his language), it’s far from the worst I’ve heard expats say, since I got here a year or more ago. If you are still wondering what’s wrong with it and still think it sounds fine, that he was saying they’re friendly and smart… Keep reading.

Given many expats feel fear of their new surroundings in the same way as shown above, sadly, a very easy target on which to pin it, is the local population and this can lead to some bizarre situations. I have seen many expats make ‘friends’ with English-speaking locals and take advantage of these friends’ good natures in all kinds of ways including but not limited to trips to the post office, ordering goods online, dealing with customer service staff at various organisations. Ok, so far, so innocent. I’ve also asked Chinese people for help in navigating complicated form-filling when the translation apps won’t cut it and the consequences of getting it wrong might actually be serious or seriously inconvenient (I’m talking about on a scale of having to leave the country to validate a visa or something, when ticking the right box will allow me to stay) . I would do the same for a visitor to my country.

But there’s a difference between asking for help and shameless use, abuse and insult. In re-enactments of the opening example, these same people complain about ‘the Chinese’ and everything ‘they’ do wrong (in the given expat’s opinion) right in front of their newfound Chinese friends who can understand them perfectly! These are not isolated incidents. It’s fair to say that in any given outing with any given group of expats (whether there are locals present or not), there will almost always be some stereotyping of Chinese locals whether positive, negative or neutral. And in about 100% of such cases, I have found myself silently disagreeing with the stereotype or not seeing why it’s relevant or worth mentioning. Ok, a lot of Chinese people prefer drinking warm water but so what? A lot of Dutch people are tall. Some Chinese people are superstitious about running in the rain being unhealthy. So what? A lot of American people are superstitious about Donald Trump being a decent head of state… Every culture has its skin-deep nuances and in my experience, they’re usually little more than skin-deep.

My partner and I have both found Chinese people to be much like…. uh, um, people! I know, sounds crazy eh? While our Mandarin slowly progresses and opens more and more doors for us when it comes to interacting with people here, we have in the meantime managed to put goodwill and the benefit of the doubt to powerful use, easily enabling us to do things that expats who have lived here for longer than us warned us against trying. For example, we have travelled independently to a lot of urban and rural destinations throughout China. We have bought from Chinese online stores, taken rides with local private drivers, received deliveries to our home (rather than my partner’s employer’s address as recommended by many expats), stayed at hotels where English isn’t spoken and generally managed to interact at a far more personal and workaday level than many people who have lived here for years ever do. We know of people who were still too afraid to take a taxi after living here for five years.

So what makes the difference between the expat who says ‘they’ in fear and vexation during daily life in China and the expat who just gets on with it and is surprised at the meltdowns going on in the expat community around them? I don’t think there’s one simple answer but as an experienced expat, psychotherapist and person, I think it’s a combination of the following.

Firstly, I am privileged enough to have not just an education but a vocation which eventually afforded me a lot of time to think and deeply instilled beliefs that people are people, more or less everywhere. That’s already a ton of weighty privileges many people don’t have. You might say, half the reason I’m not as xenophobic (I like to think not at all but we don’t know what we don’t know about ourselves) as many people is because I’m lucky.

Secondly, after moving from New Zealand to Britain where I lived for 21 years and spending extended periods in Germany, this isn’t my first rodeo as an expat; and to be fair, that is yet another privilege. It’s a privilege because people who have never moved countries before (or more accurately ‘moved cultures’), don’t have the experience of adjusting to their new surroundings but if you’ve already done it once, you have a far better idea of how you’re likely to feel in the new situation and just knowing can take some of the sting out of it.

I think expats stereotyping Chinese people and struggling to integrate is a lot to do with being a frightened stranger away from home, who lacks the reflective ability to process the emotional experience objectively. In fact, it’s known that more privileged immigrants tend to assimilate better than less privileged ones – and by ‘privilege’ here, we mean, someone who was well supported on many fronts throughout their life and particularly emotionally and during their childhood). In other words, common garden variety fear of the unknown but also inadequate emotional tools to regulate that fear. How do I know this personally, though? Because I’m no better than any of them. Well, maybe I am now but I wasn’t always. Maybe my therapy training helps me put it into words a bit better too. You’re reading this, you be the judge.