David explains the only thing in the world that could get him to exercise—a doctor-issued threat of giving up his pistachio gelato. (An essay from 2000, but still tasty after all these years.–ed.)

I have butterfat flowing through my veins, and I have the documents to prove it. The day before my 40th birthday the universe decided to torment me with a little game of Mess With Your Head. I was happily gathering...

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