Saying I’m sorry can be pretty powerful words to say, especially since apologies are a sign of empathy. At the same time, over-apologizing, or excessively saying sorry when you don’t need to could also hurt your self-esteem. It’s easy to make assumptions about people who seem to never say that they’re sorry when they’re wrong. We start to think that they are arrogant, or maybe over-confident, and don’t believe they are in the wrong. However, some say sorry all the time. Let’s face it, when you’ve done something wrong, it’s natural to apologize. While saying sorry is hard to say for some people, others get into the routine of saying sorry too much.

Saying sorry may seem like the polite way to handle scenarios. For example, someone blocks your driveway and says, “I’m sorry, could you possibly move your car so that I can get out?” or the supermarket may be empty and all of the store employees are chatting and you approach them by saying, “I’m sorry to bother you.” The question here is are you really to blame? More than likely you’re not, but for those of us who say sorry too much, saying these powerful words can reveal something about ourselves.

For some, saying sorry too much is a quick and easy way to avoid confrontation such as an argument or a situation that makes us feel uncomfortable. People who are afraid of confrontation will say that they are sorry to avoid confrontation. They immediately accept responsibility for something that they didn’t do rather than directly address the issue. Often, children who grew up in hostile environments or environments where wearing and anger were the norm, as adults, will resort to apologizing too often. As a child, if there was the feeling that you weren’t good enough, or were punished when making a mistake, you may now lack the confidence as an adult to speak up. You think that you can’t possibly be right about the discussion or the argument, so instead you apologize. It becomes submissive behavior because you automatically assume that you are in the wrong and the other person is right.

Another reason for over-apologizing is that you don’t want to cause offense. Having empathy toward others is a good character trait. However, hiding your feelings isn’t healthy. We all want people to like us, but having opinions and beliefs is what attracts us to other like-minded people. We can’t like everyone, and we can’t expect everyone to like us back, and that’s okay. Getting your sense of value from within, not from keeping people around you happy all the time will help.

Some people tend to not be bothered about being right. All they want is an easy life, but not because they are afraid of confrontation. They will stand up for themselves if they feel the situation is serious enough, but for little matters that have no consequences to them, they are happy to just say they’re sorry and move on.  Their self-esteem is enough to shoulder whatever issues the next person has because they know enough to understand what matters and what doesn’t matter to them.

There is a psychology to apologizing. We might assume that saying sorry too much is purely a character trait, however, it’s a learned behavior, and knowing what sets apologizing in motion is important and what situations cause the behavior is needed to know how to control it. Often a good rule is to stop before you apologize and ask yourself, ‘Am I in the wrong here?’ If you didn’t do anything to say sorry, then refraining from saying it will help when over-apologizing. There are alternatives to saying an apology.

Sometimes saying the word sorry is easy to say.  There are alternatives such as excuse me, thank you for waiting, after you, go ahead, thank you for clarifying are all possible solutions to saying I’m sorry. Being grateful, instead of sorry can also help. Apologizing because someone helped you or did you a favor can be expressed by thanking them. Showing gratitude boosts the other person’s self-esteem when you thank them and it does make a difference.

It’s easy to get into the saying sorry too much, but by recognizing what causes the apologizing and trying to choose different words will help. What is meant to be is instead to begin by choosing different words such as thank you will build your self-esteem. Only when you stop apologizing when it’s not your fault will you find that the power of the words I’m sorry could end up losing the important meaning and expression that it has on those around you?