I’ve always been a very independent, self-sufficient person.

I think a lot of it goes back to the way I was raised. While I’m not trying to throw anyone under the bus here, my mother was a product of the sixties, with its hyper-focus on the empowerment of women, and she coached me from an early age about “not needing a man.” Again, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a woman being able to stand on her own two feet, I also recognize my particular personality took this advice to the extreme (as it tends to do).

I wasn’t just NOT going to need a man; I wasn’t going to need anybody.

This was all well and good until, surprise surprise, I actually did end up falling in love. Not only did I fall in love, I fell in love with a military man…and I married him. Very quickly, life took me out of my comfort zone and into an arena where I was forced to need him. Moving to a foreign country, I left my job, my friends, my family, my independence. Suddenly, I was relying on my husband and his job for income, health care, social activities, and a whole host of other things; the military even referred to me as a “dependent,” a term which makes me shudder to this day.

While, outwardly, I eventually came to accept this new reality, inside I balked. The world could call me a dependent, but that didn’t mean I had to call myself that. My heart became fiercely rebellious, clinging to the lie that I would only be worthy, be safe, if I was independent. As you can imagine, this caused more than a few arguments within the confines of my marriage. My husband was just trying to love me.

Unfortunately, so was I.

I’d love to tell you that I’ve changed. That I’m a completely new person who no longer struggles with this issue. But that’s not true. The desire to be independent and self-sufficient is still a huge stumbling block in my life. But what I can tell you is:

I’m learning.

I’m learning that ‘I don’t need you’ is the language of a wounded heart.

Our needs express our vulnerability, our imperfections, our weaknesses. And that’s a scary thing to expose to the world. But, no matter how much we try to deny it or put on a mask, we have needs. Every single one of us. And they are needs we cannot meet all on our own. And that’s by design–God’s design.

You see, our God is a God of love. He Himself is love, and He created us to experience that love not only with Himself but with others. And one of the most authentic ways to know love is to have our needs meet. Beyond the physical, God is committed to, every day, answering our deepest needs–the need for attention, the need for acceptance, the need for security, the need for guidance, the need for protection, and the need for significance. He made us; He understands our craving for all of these things. So He provides them, always and forever, each day.

But sometimes He also provides them through other people.

Denying our needs is a form of self-protection, giving us the excuses we need to build walls that safeguard us from the risks of broken relationships. But, rather than protect us, those walls only serve to isolate us, stunting our growth and adding salt to the wounds we try so desperately to deny are even there.

Admitting we have needs is risky, no matter if we’re admitting it to God or another person. But I’m slowly learning that the reward is even greater. When I allow my needs to be meant, it satisfies me at the deepest level, producing peace, contentment, and–most importantly–healing. And, as wounds heal, it frees me to look outwardly rather than inwardly, toward the needs of others without resentment.

This is the beauty of love as God designed it: the end goal of being able to truly receive love is to give it back.

By allowing myself to need God and others, I am allowing myself to be loved.

And to give love in return.