We Came All This Way…
Every so often, I hear a theory on TV or in a movie that makes me cringe. The specifics vary slightly but in essence it can summed up as, “It is impossible for humans of that period to have achieved this feat, indicating they were probably helped by extraterrestrials with advanced technology.” Often this statement is applied to the precision of blocks that were used to make the pyramids (in Mexico and/or Egypt) among other so-called unexplainable ancient mysteries.
Most recently, this proposal was referring to the Peruvian pyramids and used in a 2022 series based on Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol. I had a number of problems with the series, and I may have with the book as well (the only one of his I did not read), but we can push all that aside as it’s only the latest to do this in a long, long line. It irked me so much I posted a brief lampooning of it on Bluesky. Yet afterward I felt I should push that send-up a bit higher to drive the point home more strongly.
Before I do, you might wonder why this assertion bothers me so much. Is it because I don’t believe in extraterrestrials? Do I think it impossible we may have been visited by them? Do I have a better explanation? The short answer to all three is “No.” The slightly longer answers are thusly:
No. I do, in fact, believe in the possibility – more accurately, the likely probability – that life exists elsewhere in the universe and at our level of civilization or beyond. That’s just statistics. The number of worlds in the universe is mind-bogglingly large.No. It’s possible, but I believe somewhat unlikely. Again, it’s statistics, a bit of physics, and what we know so far about planets we’ve discovered within, say, 100 light years of us. Without there being faster-than-light (FTL) travel, that’s a long, long time to make a journey here. And the possibility of FTL often runs into enough of logical paradoxes to make such technology doubtful in the least. And don’t forget relativistic effects. The species that decides to make that trek at high speeds will leave their home planet ages in the past.No, I don’t have an alternative outside of telling people to stop underestimating humans. Remember these structures were built by zealous and/or enslaved people over their entire lifetimes and beyond. Plenty of time for painstaking accuracy. (Not to mention there are early pyramids which turned out poorly by comparison, clearly showing a learning progression.) There are people who attempt to recreate what humans during those times could accomplish and they often succeed. A recent example is a study and demonstration of how people could have moved and positioned the monoliths of Rapa Nui.So, what’s really eating me over this? It’s simple. This extraterrestrial theory flies in the face of both logic and common sense. And to illustrate, allow me to entertain you with this little parody…
Lights, please.
The time is around 1500 BCE. The place is somewhere on Earth, but it could be aboard an extraterrestrial (ET) spaceship. ETs have just finished introducing themselves to at least two of the most advanced populations of that time. And the leaders of each have been brought together by the ETs, Zaga and Paru.
Zaga: Now that we have wowed you with our advanced technology, my people decided it was time to discuss what we, the Tribians, can do for you Earthlings.
Aztec King: You have shown us such wonders. Will you teach us this technology of yours?
Zaga: Nooo. I’m afraid we have this thing called a Prime Directive. Simply put, we can’t interfere with your progress.
Egyptian Pharoah: Surely, you can help us learn ways to increase our crops and manage our herds so we can avoid periods of famine.
Zaga: Yeaaah, again, that’s a no go. That could have long term consequences for your population, so we’re smack dab into Prime Directive territory.
King: Surely, some you have ways to help us when there are plagues.
Zaga: We do… but we can’t. That old Prime Directive wall. I know, it’s a bit frustrating. But we will tell you what we can do for you, and my co-presenter Paru will now have the floor.
Paru: Thank you, Zaga. Okay so first, Aztec King – love, love, love your work. Let me tell you, you have us totally hooked with your human sacrifices. Cutting beating hearts out of living people. Whoa! Talk about intense! I mean, the blood, the screams, the cheers from the crowd. The entertainment value is through the roof. But here’s the thing. We think you can do better. And here’s how. Have you ever considered…
[Paru moves to a table with two objects, each covered by a cloth sheet. With a flourish, he yanks the sheet off of one of the objects.]
Paru: …a pyramid! Now before you say anything, let me explain a few features of this baby. First thing is the intense stairs on each side. Just think of the added suspense. Some poor helpless child held down on the altar at the top, but instead of the high priest appearing from behind, he makes a slow procession of the stairway. Can you picture it? Closer and closer. Step by step. The crowds are going to go absolutely wild. And, this is where the beauty of a pyramid shape comes in. No matter where you are on the ground, you get an unobstructed view of the whole spectacle. And all of this is echoed in the tiered structure – level by level closing in on the grand finale.
[The Aztec King thoughtfully strokes his chin and then nods.]
Paru: And Pharoah, baby, sweetheart, I haven’t forgotten you. First, just a personal comment. We are beyond impressed with your whole “obsession with death” thing you’ve got going. I mean, you’re thinking big picture. You know, the what happens next vibes. Very philosophical. Hey, big guy, I know you’ve got the giant question weighing on you every day: How can I get my people to spend their lives preparing me for an afterlife they can never even hope to attain? Am I right? I get you. There’s just so much mileage you can get from flaunting your power and wealth over common people while you’re alive. Why not extend it for eternity after death. And so for you, we have this…
[Paru yanks the sheet off the second model to reveal a smooth version of a pyramid.]
Paru: Feast your eyes on this model: the pyramid-shaped tomb. Streamlined. It screams here’s someone who’s on the fast track to the highest heights of the great beyond. And did I mention this enormous structure is just for one person. That’s right, all of this just for you and you alone. You’ll be buried in comfort, style, and luxury in the biggest building imaginable. How’s that for a “so long, suckers” parting shot? But there’s more. This model also comes with an optional limestone coating. I know people may tell you the coating isn’t worth it but trust me, once it’s on you’re going to personally thank me.
Pharoah: You have me convinced, but not yet sold. I know my craftsmen, and this is beyond what they can accomplish.
King: I was thinking the same thing. All those tiers. The accuracy. The scale. I just can’t see how it will end up looking as good as your model.
Paru: And that’s where we come in. You mine the stone and we’ll just float it over to the job site. Then we’ll have our top stonemasons equipped with the latest laser cutters carve your stone into incredibly accurate blocks. After that, it’s just a matter of your people spending a lifetime or two to fit them into place. And just to sweeten the deal, we’re giving you both an incredible warranty. These babies are guaranteed to last a millennium – maintenance free.
Pharoah: Sold.
King: When can we get started?
And… scene.
