Notes: Sorry for the delay, yesterday was SO CRAZY BUSY! Let's go on a road trip, baby!

Title: Quaint Escapes for Traitorous Bastards: Ch. 12 Pt. 1

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Chapter Twelve, Part One

Road Trip!

Phlox’s poor moods could last for weeks without something tojar him out of them. Unfortunately, in Lollop there was little of great enoughimport to knock a captive elemental being out of his pout, so Hiram went out ofhis way to do novel things instead that would hopefully interest his companionenough to improve his outlook. It was the least Hiram could do.

Yes, Phlox-as-Pyrax and Hiram-as-Xerome had once foughtnearly to the death, and no doubt Pyrax wouldn’t have thought twice aboutburning him to a crisp and going on to kill his apprentices too. But Pyraxwould never have done what Xerome did, imprisoning his enemy’s essence and lettinghim continue to live a basically neutered existence in three separatecontainers. It was an incredible comedown in both power and pride for anelemental revered by his people as a god, and there were times when Hiramwondered whether he shouldn’t have meddled in the first place.

There was no changing the past, though—and Hiram would know,he’d tried more than once. All he could do now was ameliorate his friend’scondition as best he could. To that end, Hiram planned his first out-of-towntrip since he first got to Lollop over two months ago. There was a somewhatlarger city an easy two day’s ride to the east, and Hiram could stand to stockup on some things he’d only be able to find with a larger community of traderson hand. Not to mention, it would give him a chance to scope out whether or notimperial messengers were still distributing posters of him this far from Galenish.

He arranged for Letty to come by and take care of Knight andthe chickens and pigs he’d somehow become saddled with—pigs, for everyheaven’s sake. Hiram didn’t even like the taste of pork, what was hegoing to do with pigs other than feed them delicious scraps and watch them growlarge enough to square off with their wild boar cousins? Perhaps he could makea gift of them to someone someday…

“Feel free to make use of anything you find in the house,”he told Letty as he tied his rucksack shut. “Just make a note if you usesomething up. If you care to weed the garden a bit with Rickie, that would bewelcome too. Just stay out of the upstairs rooms, if you please.” Not thatshe’d get up there even if she tried, between the aversion glyphs and therelocation spell he’d reluctantly powered up that would transport an intruder ontothe road out front with a blinding headache ifthey tried to go up there uninvited.

Letty huffed. “I’m not rude, you know. I wouldn’tinvade your privacy in such a way.”

“I’m sure of it,” Hiram said. “I just wanted to mention it.”

“What about the cellar?” she asked. “I could move some ofyour jars down there for you. You’re starting to run out of space on yourshelves.”

The cellar. Ah. Right. “I’d avoid the cellar fornow,” Hiram said, a bit uncomfortable at the thought of her going down therebefore he’d cleared it himself. “Just the animals and the weeding, if youplease. Perhaps harvest some of the chamomile and lay it on the screen by thewindow to dry, well out of Knight’s reach, if you please. And some of theanise. And yarrow,…do you need me to write this down?”

“I think I’ll manage,” Letty said. “Have a nice trip! I’venever been as far as Garrison before; you have to tell me all about it when youget back.”

“I will,” he promised her with a smile before headingoutside to saddle Mule and get on the road.

Mule was pleased by the prospect of a trip, too. It was abit of a boring life for her, Hiram reflected, after several decades of intensebattle at the front of the greatest army the continent had ever seen. Mule wasa peaceful animal by nature and had adapted well to her new habitat, but thatchase they’d gone on a few weeks back…clearly she was missing fulfilling hernature, which was to hunt down and destroy creatures touched by evil.

Maybe they’d get lucky and run into a beastie or two on theroad.

Hiram waved to various people he recognized on the waythrough town, only stopping once for Master Spindlestep, who was crossing theroad with the single-mindedness of a man who wasn’t going to be deterred byeither traffic or his blindness. “Good morning, Master Spindlestep,” he calledout as the elderly elf passed by.

“Master Emblic.” He stopped—out of the line of any carts orhorses who might go by, thankfully—and tilted his head as though he werelistening to something specific. “Leaving us, are you?”

“Only for a short time,” Hiram assured him. “I’m off toGarrison for a few days, but I’ll be back before the next market day.”

“A good thing, otherwise there may be a revolt,” MasterSpindlestep said genially. “Your products get excellent reviews, sir.”

“Always welcome to hear.”

“Indeed it is.” The elf came a bit closer and lifted hishand, laying it gently on Mule’s neck. To Hiram’s surprise, Mule not onlyaccepted the touch with grace—she could be a bit finicky about non-virgins—shewhickered, turning her head to nudge Master Spindlestep’s shoulder.

“Mule, you rude thing,” Hiram chided her, but the old elfjust laughed.

“She recognizes a friend when she sees one,” he said. “I’vealways loved horses of this sort, and they tend to be smart enough to know whenthey’re with a friend.” He said “like this” with a bit of import. Hiramwondered whether the tailor, for all his blindness, was able to see rightthrough the glamour on Mule.

Well, and what of it if he did? The glamour was unbreakable;no one would believe him if he tried to spread such a tale about, and he had noreason to do anything other than enjoy the company of a light creature like aunicorn. “She’s been a good friend to me for many years,” Hiram settled onsaying.

“I can sense that.”

Perhaps he could. “I beg your pardon, sir, but I mustcontinue.”

“Of course.” Master Spindlestep gave Mule one last strokealong her velvety nose, then moved back. “If you’ve the means to buy a bolt ofblack Lancre silk while you’re there, I’d happily repay you.”

Lancre silk…and in black…that seemed very fine for use inLollop. Lancre silk was mildly color-shifting, the result of blending worm andspider threads together, and shockingly strong for a fabric. Hiram knew thisask was a test of some kind, but what was the tailor hoping to glean about himfrom it? His level of disposable income? His ability to discern Lancre silkfrom regular silk? His willingness to do a favor for someone he had no strongconnection to?

“I’ll see what I can do,” he settled on. Master Spindlestepnodded, and then Hiram was on his way once more, riding until even thedisreputable Highwayman Inn was out of sight.

It was a quiet road for the first half of the day, and hereveled in the solitude and the sound of the wind. Around noon, the routeexpanded significantly as several more roads joined it, and he ended upjostling for position amongst carts and wagons, solitary riders and groups, anda fair number of walkers as well.

It wasn’t that Hiram couldn’t tolerate the company, but bymid-afternoon a rain had set in that quickly churned the road to mud beneath somany hooves and wheels. What I wouldn’t give for a good, Imperial highway ofstone…

Of course, stone roads were reserved for much more importantparts of the empire than this, especially with no quarries native to the area.The amount of work it would take to build and maintain stone roads everywhere…Hiramhad argued for it, actually, citing the good it would do to local economies aswell as the skills transfer from imperial civil engineers to rural ones, butthat was one more place where Andy had shot him down.

It left him determined to get as far as he could tonight,perhaps even as far as Garrison itself. The city was only forty miles fromLollop, after all. Mule could do it easily; Hiram was the one who wasgoing to be sore from the saddle tomorrow, but if it meant making better timeonce others retreated to the inn they got to at sundown, he’d manage.

“You won’t want to camp, sir!” the inn’s crier called outafter him when he saw Hiram wasn’t turning off with the rest of the traffic. “It’sterrible dangerous in those woods at night! There’s gnolls and trolls and evenbandits out there in the woods, sir, mark my words!”

“I won’t be camping,” Hiram called over his shoulder.

“Sir! Come on now, sir!”

But Hiram was determined to get to Garrison by midnight. Andonce he was alone… “A bit of light perhaps, Phlox?” he murmured, and to hisdelight, Phlox responded with a thin beam that lit the road just enough forMule to see by. It was a good thing, too; the moon was invisible tonight,utterly drowned out by the wet cloud cover, and the drizzle got that muchcolder as the evening wore on.

A more impatient person would have spurred Mule to a fasterpace, but Hiram was neither impatient nor a fool. He kept them moving at asteady trot, which meant he had plenty of time, even in the gloom, to pick outthe array of slender metal threads stretched taut across the road.

At speed, they could have done terrible damage to Mule’slegs. As it was, the unicorn came to an easy halt a few meters away from them.

“Hmm.”

Phlox unexpectedly spoke up. “I do believe we’re about tobe accosted by bandits, Hiram.”

Hiram eased himself out of the saddle with a groan. “You’reprobably right, my dear,” he murmured.

“How would you care to handle the occasion?”

That was an excellent question, and one Hiram was stillconsidering when an eerie, baying cackle started up in the woods to the right.Hiram turned with interest to watch as a pair of enormous, spot-eared gnollsemerged from the trees. He’d never seen the spotted version before; the oneswho lived up north tended toward stripes. Other than that, they were identicalto most of the gnolls he’d encountered over the years: they had broad, squatbodies that were heavy with muscle and blunt canid mouths full of fangs. Theseones wore dark, lustrous pelts for clothes that probably came from lowlandpanthers, and each of them carried both a club and a dagger.

Decidedly dark creatures, by nurture if not nature. Hiramtightened his grip on Mule’s reins.

“Clever human,” one of them slavered at him, a wild glint inhis eyes. “Spying our little net before it could catch you.”

“Not clever enough to stay at the inn, though,” the othersaid with rather less drool falling out of his mouth. “Shouldn’t have pressedon, old man. Too bad now you’re going to be late for your appointments.” Hegrinned. “’Cept the ones you’ve got with your gods.”

Hiram nodded slowly. “That is certainly one possibility.”Mule was quivering now, every inch of her ready to fulfil her ultimate purpose.

“It’s the only possibility, old man. No one escapesfrom Cletus and Clarus.”

“Ah, but you see,” Hiram replied. “That’s where you’rewrong.” He patted Mule on the neck. “Alive if you can, darling,” he told her.

The gnolls stared at each other for a moment, as if theywere wondering just how mad this strange human was. That was when Hiram letMule go. She reared onto her back hooves with a ferocious battle cry, thenlowered her head and charged.

“Now.” Hiram turned back to the wires as the gnolls howled withmatching bloodlust. “Let’s see about clearing this before she comes back, hmm?”Luckily they were rather haphazardly placed, and cheap besides. A quick snipwith the second-best shears he’d brought along in his rucksack was enough tobite through the thinner ones. The thicker might require a bit more work…

“You let Mule have all the fun.”

“You can have the next bandits, my dear,” Hiram promised. Thehowls were already becoming whimpers of pain and fear. “Just don’t tell Esme wehad a good time without her, or she’ll never let us hear the end of it.”

Phlox considered that for a moment, then said, “Deal.”