Suicide is close to my heart. Not only has a friend of mine taken his life(Simon Granado 1988-2001) but I used to want to leave this earth too.

Sometimes those thoughts never go away but one of the things you have to do is sit back and think of everything you are leaving behind. And you may not even give a shit about what you are leaving behind, maybe what you are leaving behind is what brought you to this point or played a part in what has brought you to the point of suicide. But whatever it is, will eventually subside and as the years go by whatever it is will slowly fade until it is something that doesn't even hurt as much anymore. I'm not going to sit here and LIE and say that it will go away. It won't. But it will fade until it merely an ugly ass ghost hovering about you.

I'm 25 and I've wanted to leave this earth too many times. I've dealt and still deal with depression and anxiety and it is a part of my life unfortunately. But I try to strive and stay strong because I CONTROL WHAT TEARS ME DOWN. "I will no longer let someone or something make me think of something like suicide as a way out." I said that to myself two years ago and a month ago I was on the verge of calling a suicide hotline because it was THAT bad. I was looking around my house for things to help end my life. I even went into the garage and stared at the rafters to see if hanging myself would work. (and not that any of this is a funny matter but do you know the first thought that popped into my head as I stared at the garage rafters? "my fat ass will probably tear the garage roof down." I'm morbid not matter what I suppose.) But I was on that verge because my life wasn't up to par with what I wanted, with what I desired. I was on the verge of leaving my amazing mother, sister and beloved immediate family behind to endure the pain and darkness I would leave in the ashes of myself.

Suicide is a selfish thing. It is a very, very, very selfish thing. And you HAVE to remind yourself of that every time you think of it. Even if you feel like you have NOTHING and all you are is a burden. YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING BURDEN. You are a beautiful human being who deserves the best that this shit life has to offer and it is not a sunny life. It's a crap hole, a dark dungeon with chains and pits and fire. And it will never change. But YOU CAN CHANGE IT. youuuuuuu can change it for yourself. You can be the thing that makes your own life worth living. Don't ever forget that. Please don't ever forget that.

A month ago I was in a place in my life where I had no job, and I still don't. I write books of course but that doesn't help as much as people think. I wasn't writing anything a month ago. I was forcing myself to be happy in my booktube videos. I was walking around my family's house, like a ghost with no motivation, watching over everything and wondering who would cry if I was gone. I was reading and I was reading to sway my thoughts from suicide and let me fucking say that reading did help me. It did a good job for a bit. But a month ago I wanted to die. That sends chills down my spine thinking about it. Wow.

And please understand that this is a very difficult thing for me to put out there because I don't talk about my personal life much and admitting my depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts is very tough for me. I'm actually shaking as I type. It's not an easy thing for me to do. But I'm doing it because I need too. I'm doing it because I hope that it will help someone who is in that dark place.

You are a one of a kind person and though you may think otherwise, I don't even fucking know your ass BUT I believe you are amazing and beautiful and I motherfucking love you. You are not unwanted and though you may not see or feel it... you MATTER to someone, whether it is one person or hundreds of people. And there is one person who you matter to most and I bet you don't even know it... But it is YOU believe it or not.

You MATTER to yourself.

I will still deal with depression, anxiety for the rest of my life. But the suicidal thoughts will take that back seat or better yet they will be hanging on by the bumper because when I feel those feelings coming on. I will look back to this open letter and the feeling will go away. It will run off like a crazed bimbo getting chased by a zombie.

Do me a favor and do these three things for me below please:

1. Inhale

2. Exhale

3. Smile

4. LIVE

**and if anyone ever feels the need to talk to someone. I check my goodreads every single day (I'm not kidding) and I will get back to you. I will be there for YOU.

I'm sorry if this post was all over the place. I seriously just needed to get this all out.

- RICHARD DENNEY
(Christian Marotti)