That was one of my mom’s favorite phrases growing up. God willing. She said it all the time. “God willing, we’ll be able to go on a family trip next summer.” “Grandma will get over this health scare, God willing.” “You’ll move back to Wisconsin one day, God willing.”

This phrase used to annoy the crap out of me. You don’t need God’s will to plan a family trip. You order the plane tickets, you book the hotel and you do it yourself. Doctors are going to help heal Grandma, it’s up to them. If I decide I want to move back to Wisconsin it is MY CHOICE.

Or is it?

The older I get, the more experiences I have, the more I’m starting to understand the phrase God willing, and the more I believe it, the more relief it brings me. I don’t like thinking that I have to do everything myself, that all my choices, my concerns, my duties, are up to me alone. It’s stressful to think that life hangs on my shoulders like that. I like to think that my life, my worries, my issues, my dreams, they all hang on a giant clothesline, these tiny pieces of me, waving somewhere and God sees them and understands. He’ll give me answers in due time. Meanwhile, I can pin up all the questions and concerns I have. The clothesline never sags, it never runs out of room.

I’m in a new season of life. I picked up my life and moved it 2,000 miles to a city I’m trying to reconnect with. I’m trying out different styles and formats of writing, trying to move into unknown territories and so far, only getting rejections. I’m attempting to balance being a calm, patient, loving mom and friend with keeping the window of my career open. My family is struggling with finances since being an “artist” isn’t the most economically wise decision.

But, you know what? I’m okay with all of these unknowns, because I’m learning to believe the phrase God willing. The path I’m meant to follow will open itself up and other paths will have road blocks. It makes the day to day issues suddenly appear less heavy, less intense. I’m learning to turn all of my problems into those tiny images hanging on a clothesline, out of my grasp, out of my concern. I don’t have to worry about them, I just have to trust.

I’m not saying we have no control over our decisions or our choices. We do. But we can take so much of the burden off of ourselves if we’re able to leave the decisions up to faith. Faith is a very strong road map, and if we follow it, we won’t get lost. I believe that.