It is sad but true, I am THE WORST. In the scheme of good and bad people, I am, overall good. Unfortunately, when it comes to entertainment, I AM THE WORST. I readily admit it. What makes me THE WORST is that I knew it. What is “it” exactly? “It” is everything. I know all of the plot twists, all of the reveals, everything before it ever even airs. This isn’t because I spend every second of the day seeking out spoilers. On many levels, I do my best to avoid spoilers. The real problem is everything that exists within my head, spoils everything I watch and read.

My girlfriend and I enjoy watching television and movies together. It is a nice way to unwind after a long hard day at work. When we first started dating, we developed a bit of a trade-off system. She showed me Parks and Rec. and I introduced her to King of the Hill. She loved��Doctor Who��and when my turn came, it was��Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The problem is, I knew it. Be warned, that from this point forward, there may be spoilers peppered through this piece.

As we sat one evening watching Doctor Who, I turned to Molly and immediately identified exactly what River Song’s true identity was. My revelation came more than an episode before the reveal. So far, while watching Downton Abbey, I have accurately predicted three character deaths and a plethora of other plot twists. I long ago took a vow of silence when it came to entertainment which is new to the person I am viewing it with, but I do feel like if the film or show is only new to me, I have the right to voice my prediction. I don’t want to be the guy who ruins films and t.v. for people but if they have already seen it, I feel it is a bit of a no harm, no foul situation.

To me, predicting the future of a television show or movie is more than just for bragging rights. It is a puzzle; an exercise I use to keep my own personal story telling skills up to par. I feel that if I can test myself against some of the most popular work currently in circulation, I must have a good grasp of the story telling techniques of the current time period.

I have long pondered how it is that I know the outcomes weeks, months or sometimes even years in advance and the only answer I have to give is that all fiction adheres to a series of patterns and tropes. Each and every genre has a specific set of rules which can be subverted but never completely removed. Once this concept is stacked on top of the fact that I have spent almost my entire adult life analyzing fiction, first as a student and then as a college instructor, no show or movie has a chance.

Almost all entertainment is either character or plot driven. With that in mind, it only takes a few mental questions to determine what would best move the plot or lead character forward. I the case of Downton Abbey, the show is heavily plot driven. Yes, there are interesting characters who certainly deserve their screen time but the overall story is about how the comings and goings of these people effect the estate itself. That means that not a single character is safe. Anyone can die at almost any time and if the character is no longer moving the plot forward, it is only a matter of episodes before he or she is written out of the show. The same can be said of Game of Thrones.��

As for Doctor Who, the entire show is completely character driven. Note the difference in title names. between these three shows. This in turn means that everything which takes place on Doctor Who, must have some sort of personal ramification that will eventually effect the Dr. and how he changes as a character.

Each of these shows will also follow the conventions of its genre. This means that there are certain plot twists which can be ruled out all along. For example, we will never find out that Lord Grantham is actually a serial killer who has been making tapestries for the estate out of the dyed flesh of his victims. This is obviously an extreme example but it is valid nonetheless. Therefore, familiarity with the conventions of genre are a must.

Then of course, there is character. Each character in every piece of fiction will always fit some sort of predetermined arch. In order to be true to the character, his or her actions and reactions are almost predetermined. A hero can fail or fall from grace but he or she must always maintain a level of self. A villain may become a hero, but the darker tendencies still exist which means that he or she can never be fully trusted.

Context clues are also a factor in guessing the eventual plot twist. Everything that every character does or says is key to making these logical leaps. Even the things that they don’t say matter. Last night I made two predictions.

WHAT FOLLOWS IS A DOWNTON ABBEY SPOILER IF YOU ARE NOT PAST SEASON 3. While Molly and I watched Downton Abbey, I knew that Matthew was going to die. He had done everything in his power to right the family’s finances. He had produced a suitable male heir, and thus effectively outlived his usefulness to the success of the estate. This meant that he had to go. The only question was when. It had to be some sort of tragic accident, as Matthew was clearly in good health. My first prediction was that he would be trampled to death by a buck. It was set up in the show that he is not the world’s best shot and I thought he would hit the buck but not kill it. The buck would charge him in anger and that would be the end of him. My mistake was in making his death to early in the episode. Then he had to get to the hospital. There it was, a car accident, how perfectly mundane. A bland death for a likeable but overall bland character.

END SPOILER

This is the process. It is the same exact process that�� allowed my friend Steve and me to predict the exact layout and movie titles of Marvel’s Phases 2 and 3 at the end of Phase 1. Does this mean that I don’t enjoy entertainment? Of course not. I love t.v. and movies. For me, it is about how well the product is made. It doesn’t really matter that I knew it. Rest assured however that if you haven’t seen it before, I promise I won’t tell you.