The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Everything and Why We Pretend It Doesn't

by Susan Maushart

Erma Bombeck meets Naomi Wolf -- a funny, articulate, right-on-the-money look at being a new mother in the '90s.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Feminism, Womens, Psychology, Sociology, Reference

368 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1997

About the author

Columnist, author and social commentator Dr. Susan Maushart is a mother of three teenagers. For over a decade, her weekly column has been part of a balanced breakfast for readers of the Weekend Australian Magazine. Maushart is heard regularly on ABC Radio's popular online series 'Multiple Choice', and is a Visiting Fellow at the Institute of Advanced Studies at the University of Western Australia. Her four books have been published in eight languages, and her essays and reviews have appeared in a host of international publications. She holds a PhD in Media Ecology from New York University. Maushart's first book was the award-winning Sort of a Place Like Home, a history of the Moore River Settlement (later depicted in Philip Noyce's 2002 film classic Rabbit-Proof Fence). The bestselling The Mask of Motherhood was hailed by the London Times as "a feminist classic," and Wifework: What Marriage Really Means for Women started arguments right around the globe. Her book, What Women Want Next, looks at the question of feminine fulfilment in a post-feminist world.
She moved to Perth, Western Australia from New York 19 years ago but insists she is only passing through.

Reviews

[Jen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm editing my initial review of this book. As someone who's currently struggling with going back to work full-time with a newborn at home, the introduction hit a nerve. It discusses the expectations we have for ourselves and our kids, though we might never examine or talk about them. I only got through about half this book. I was with her for a while, but after a few chapters I started to get the feeling that the author just has a bone to pick with the world. I'd find myself agreeing with some of her points (childbirth education and all the info we get in pregnancy has one goal - preparing you for the birth, like it's some conclusion instead of just the beginning.... and our culture leaves us sorely unprepared for what comes after that one short day). But the bulk of especially the chapter on Labor just seemed like it was written by an angry woman. She talks like she's trying to instill fear, and bemoans the ignorance we have about what childbirth is really like - and she essentially calls some of the most well-respected childbirth educators hacks for convincing women that we can control anything about childbirth. Perhaps that was her problem: that she felt she needed to control it. I'd say she missed the point: I'd say the important thing about childbirth is surrender, not control. Had she read more of Ina May Gaskin's work, especially the birth stories, she likely would have been more prepared and perhaps less angry about her birth experiences. Instead, she talks about "torment," as though labor was a personal affront to her and her own great big cross to bear. As I read on, I realized that the tone of the book didn't really vary from angry and affronted, and I decided that I'd much rather read something that could contribute something positive to my life, rather than making me believe there's some worldwide conspiracy against all mothers. If you can get through this book, good for you, but I hope you come out unscathed.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVE this book. I love all books like this. I just do. It's hard to describe why without quoting entire big chunks of the book.

The overwhelming concept in this book that I really relate to is that we're all so caught up in telling ourselves and telling other people that we're perfect as mothers and motherhood is so easy and just a walk in the park . . . Screw that! There are times when the JOB of motherhood sucks. Not BEING a mother, mind you. 'Cause being a mother is great. But the day to day changing diapers, feeding the kid, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, cleaning the kid, changing more diapers, being thrown up on, never getting decent sleep . . . I mean, what kind of a crazy person signs up a 24/7 job with no pay like that, then faces the world grinning and saying "I'm GREAT, no worries, how are you?" But in the name of motherhood, we do.

So yeah . . . here's to a little honesty!!!

[Elyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was relieved when I found this book because it was one of the few resources that helped me navigate the sudden shift from being childless to being a mother. It's an honest look at the challenging feelings that can arise, including the complicated juxtaposition of loving your child and missing your independence simultaneously. It's unfortunate that there can't be more of an dialogue about the difficult changes that occur for new mothers.

[Julie Verner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read and reread this book. It is on my must-read list for moms. It is a bit denser read than some, due to its meaty content, but it is ooooh so good. The author is a sociologist as well as an excellent writer who provides insightful descriptions for mothering experiences that we all share but may not have been able to articulate. She explores pregnancy, childbirth, new motherhood, nursing, and ends with a couple chapters on work-life balance, and the parenting partnership.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

now this is a good book about the complexities of motherhood. it is bleak and that stands in contrast to our prevailing sentimentality when it comes to feelings about mothers and babies. so i think her contention may be shocking to some.

but i think this is such an important book because of its unique voice. her argument is basically that many realities of motherhood are far different from what pregnant women are led to expect and childless adults know. for example, pregnancy is not always wonderful; nursing is painful and very complicated & frustrating for many women (at first) and has some drawbacks that the breastfeeding books never mention; taking care of a newborn is utterly overwhelming; splitting the domestic duties and striving for a truly egalitarian marriage is next to impossible; and the process of becoming a new mother is shockingly transformative: it's not just that you acquire a new baby- you become a new person.

it sounds depressing but it's really not. it just provides some real-life balance to the unrealistic beliefs we collectively share. i think it contains invaluable information for new and expecting moms. knowing that so many of these feelings are common is likely to make moms feel less guilty, wrong, inept.

(it is also well-written and researched.)

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a discussion on motherhood from the perspective of a feminist mother. Maushart says there is a culture of silence around motherhood. People do not discuss what you truly give up to become a mother nor how rare true egalitarian marriages are (especially after children enter the picture). In addition, while many people have researched the effects of mothers on their children, very few people have studied the effects of children on their mothers.

I can imagine that many people would complain that this book goes far too much into the problems caused by motherhood and does not offer many solutions, but I strongly disagree. Maushart's thesis is that we need to end the silence surrounding motherhood with frank discussions about the realities (both good and bad) of the situation. I think that she believes this is the only way we will ever be able improve on the current state of things.

I would recommend this book to all mothers that sometimes feel lonely or betrayed because motherhood is different than they expected, to women thinking of having children, and even to fathers who want to better understand their wives. You may not agree with everything Maushart says in the book, but at least the book may start a conversation about what it means and what it SHOULD mean to be a mother.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book, written in 1999, is already showing signs of being outdated, at least in my experience. Maushart's thesis is that parents, mothers in particular, are not honest with the world, each other, and often even themselves about the hardships and downside of being a westernized mother. The chapters are divided into parts of motherhood that she believes are brushed under the rug in modern society- the pain of childbirth, the difficulty of breastfeeding, the chronic and years-long sleep deprivation, the isolation from the adult world when one is home caring for a young infant, the effects, both long and short term, of children on marriage, and the difficulties of combining career and family effectively. She claims that women mask these realities from not only the outside world, but from each other, keeping the dirty little secrets of how completely life changing, and not always in good ways, that having children can be.

The reason I say the book is outdated is that I believe mothers of my generation, who have had their children during the years of Facebook, mommy blogs, a recession, and a culture where reality television has permeated our psyches enough so that we are no longer so secretive about personal hardships, mental health issues, and familial struggles, have managed to turn that corner and find each other more easily than mothers who were raising families before these aspects of modern life came to be the norm. While reading this book, I found myself grateful for the mom friends I've made over the years, both in real life and via the internet. My friends and I have always been candid about the tedium, the challenges, and even the gross parts of being a parent with each other. The chapters I think are still relevant would be the last two or three, which focused on the expectations of sharing the work of home and family with our spouses, and trying to alleviate the guilt of never doing "enough". The absolute best chapter was about how mothers of young children can often experience tactile overload- the constant needs of children to be touching you all day- holding, cuddling, changing diapers, giving baths, etc, and how that effects a woman's libido-- Maushart compared the sensation to someone being forcefed Happy Meals all day and then being presented with a gourment dinner and having no appetite left. They recognize the appeal, but they'd rather just go to sleep and hope to have another opportunity at the meal when she wasn't already so full. This is a conversation I've had with friends over the years, but I've never seen it written about as one of the natural consequences of being a primary caregiver of infants and young children.

Overall, this book was an interesting read, but nothing revolutionary, though I think women contemplating motherhood for their futures or expectant mothers would still benefit from reading it, particularly if they are lacking their own tribe of mom friends. That said, I think if the women already have honest, candid relationships with other women who are mothers, they could learn and hear the exact same warnings and anecdotes from those friends and relatives in a less formal and more enjoyable way than by reading this sometimes dry book. Three stars.

[Anastasia · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was published in 2000, and while mostly well-written, there was a lot in it that I could not relate to. Is that because it's ten years "out of date" or because I'm not the type of woman who puts on the mask of motherhood? I don't know, but I'll just give public thanks here and now to Maushart and every feminist woman who came before me who has made my journey as a mother easier. I also give mad props to my partner 'cause he's a great dad and co-parent.

The chapters on pregnancy, labor, and breastfeeding were hard for me to relate to because I do not feel I was lied to or that people weren't honest with me about these issues. Perhaps the masking of all these truths is part and parcel of going more of a mainstream way of giving birth? I wondered why she would choose a male obstetrician at all (but I went the complete opposite way and opted for home birth with a midwife). Or maybe it's just out of date information.

I related better to the chapters on juggling one's various roles and on effects of children on a partnership/marriage, but I have a much more equal partnership than most people I know and so the struggle to balance all parts of our lives affects us both (the author highlights how little most men's lives change after they become fathers, in contrast to the vast changes in women's lives after they become mothers). I did see some parallels as to children's effects on a partnership, but in my case I think it actually helped my partner to step up and take on a much bigger role as a homemaker and co-parent (we were less egalitarian before we had kids). What has changed for us is our closeness to one another. Maushart describes how big a shock this change is for couples who are older, more highly educated, and who have professional jobs before having children. Apparently, we feel so entitled to our various achievements, and are so used to being in control, and having a professional sense of self that having one's life turned upside-down by kids is like being hit by a tidal wave (yeah, that's true).

There are some crazy quotes in this book: (from page 148) "Breast feeding her babies would have been, for my mother, a bit like plowing over our immaculate suburban lawn to plant vegetables." (Hilarious! I love my nursing relationships with my kids and I am sooo in favor of plowing over lawns to put in vegetable gardens!)

(from page 169) "Breast feeding is essentially a vestige of a hunter-gatherer way of life. The wonder is not that it grafts so poorly onto industrialized minds and bodies, but that we persist in trying to graft it at all."

(also from page 169) ". . . breast feeding is nothing less than a culturally subversive activity." Too tired to hunt down the others, and there are some that I did identify with, but they weren't as fun to highlight as the ones above about nursing.

[Mary Mulliken · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of those books for which I wish there were more stars than 5. It deserves 5 stars, but it also deserves an additional mention: "really -- I recommend you [women and men, but especially women] read this book." I think I'll put it on the shelves next to Omnivore's Dilemma -- another book that I want to add the additional comment to its very deserved 5 stars. Susan Maushart does an amazing job of articulating the true complexities of every facet of motherhood from pregnancy and childbirth to breastfeeding, working, and the way the motherhood alters a woman's relationships -- those complexities that I think we all have a hard time conjuring words for, let alone attempting to share with each other. There were countless beautifully-crafted sentences that left me feeling very seen, heard, and validated. Warning: she doesn't delve into the exquisite wonder and wonderfulness of this enormous and unprecedented transition and certainly doesn't attempt to offer any pollyanna-like conclusions about the extremely multi-faceted endeavor of motherhood. Rather, she shines light on the complexities and helps us understand ourselves in the context of a world of women who aren't being honest enough with each other.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Mask of Motherhood is a eyes-wide-open look at the wide-ranging and longterm effects of motherhood on women. It covers pregnancy, labor and delivery, relationship with spouse or partner, career prospects and societal recognition.

A lot of what The Mask of Motherhood has to say is not positive, and, frustratingly, there was little recommendation to change it. However, I feel that it's likely that much of what this book says is true - women are fed a pack of lies about what pregnancy and birth is like, from health care professionals, from books, and from each other. We are told we can "have it all" with the words "if you don't sleep" hidden silently behind the promise. Having a child should change our relationships and our focus, but it seems un-politically-correct to say so. This book wasn't kidding - there really is a cone of silence in which we women don't or won't share our experiences in order to effect change.

The Mask of Motherhood is an important read for all women - those who are already mothers, who will become mothers, and those who have no interest in having children. Perhaps not all of us will mother, but all of us have a mother, and it's through that shared experience that this book can enlighten.

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very revealing look at culture, motherhood, and the smiles women wear to hide the reality of being a mom today.

Well written, the author takes on the various stereotypes of mothers and observes how women without children are unprepared for the challenges of motherhood and women with children don't want to talk about these challenges.

A good book that speaks to both sides of the "great divide" of parenting. A must-read for not-yet-mothers and probably for moms who will find relief in knowing they are not alone.

[Mrs. Schonour · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt like the content of this book could have been summed up more quickly. The big ideas are interesting to think about, but occasionally the book felt like a rambling soap box. I'd definitely recommend this book to anyone considering having children, but the topics apply to everyone in modern society.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

A meditation on the cultural silences cloaking the pain in childbirth and the necessary self-sacrifice for new mothers. Provocative but suffers from martyrdom, hyperbolic rhetoric, and lack of sociological analysis.

[Sara · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't get into this book at all. I wanted to like it but I didn't. I skimmed most of it & thought often "I really don't agree with that".....I can't even remember what I didn't agree with - blame it on mama brain!

[Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Useful reading for anyone contemplating motherhood. A bit trite in parts, but good overall.

[Sarah Watt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting and thought-provoking, but excessively bleak, and long-winded. It was often hard to catch the thread of what point the author was even trying to make.

I guess progress has been made since the book was written and new mothers now share much more freely with each other their struggles (the internet has probably helped in that), although much of the "mask" does remain. But I'm sure there has always been joy, too, and profound love, in the motherhood experience and the book does not really acknowledge this. She is quite cynical about women finding "meaning" in being a mother suggesting this is purely because they are so invested in finding that meaning in it somehow. Later, she references women's unwillingness to let go of the "primary parent" position as a factor in continued inequality with fathers, but doesn't really explore the experience of being "primary parent".

[Jennifer Zamora]

good

[Scoots · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read for all women and men before embarking upon the roller-coaster ride of parenthood.

Sad that it was published in 1999 and yet remains 100% relevant.

[Aster · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF at 50%.

I hate what this book tried to do. Aside from its main goal of educating people on the realities of pregnancy, childbirth and taking care of newborns, it also has many strange beliefs mixed into it.

The good parts: The author acknowledged the harmful beliefs people had and their actions in the past (like tying up and gagging women during birth), and acknowledged how women were told they could have children and work at the same time and how they ended up juggling instead of having it all and living a fulfilled life. It also hits its main goal of educating people on the realities of motherhood, the mask parents put on themselves and how harmful it is. These might have been the reasons this book was tagged as feminism.

Along with that, though, was how she looked down on working mothers with a stereotype that makes no sense. It's incorrect to say that working mothers won't hug their children and only play with them "like men," and I don't need to go into personal details of my own to say that we shouldn't generalize half of the population and their parenting behaviours.

The concept of womb envy explained the way societies are constructed to be misogynistic, but I felt no desire to be a mother for the sake of overcoming my own mother's "power" of giving birth to me. It makes no sense.

The author also seems to believe that it's natural for women to do everything at home and juggle their responsibilities, and the moment someone said it was difficult, they were unable to do it anymore, like an insect with a hundred limbs is unable to walk if someone tells it how difficult it is to coordinate the limbs. It's a harmful generalization, because women do it all when forced, and it's called natural. I trust and respect the women in the past for their fight for human rights.

I regret reading this, but I'm happy I decided to drop it. I have no intention of reading anti-feminist, conservative propaganda.

[Melissa]

I'm a bit skeptical about this book, but interested in skimming. I don't feel like I wear a mask in motherhood whatsoever, although I'm still at a really early stage in this part of my life. I'm sure as the family grows, so does that theory. Also, this book seems to purport that most couples' roles become extremely off balance, in the worst way, which is another thing that I currently don't relate to, since I fortunately have a pretty egalitarian relationship (sans the income, but especially within the household). I think for women who feel suddenly alone or "bearing it all", this may strike a chord much more and be a good read. I'm not expecting to get a whole lot out of it except for maybe some insight to be able to empathize with other moms, as well as to be well equipped for whatever the future holds for me.

[Louisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

This has been on my "reading now" list for many months and I have to face that I am not actually going to finish it. Luckily, it's not the kind of book you have to read to the end. I found myself getting quite upset, angry and feeling self-righteous while reading parts of this, so probably good I don't keep going. It was an important book for me and touched a lot of (raw) nerves, but I can't stay in that place ... time to move on.

[Frangipani · Rating 5 out of 5]

That I was not alone in feeling that parenthood was scary uncharted territory. Maushart helped me come to terms and reach peace with the way I am. Toss that mother guilt thing. If more women read this book the birth rate could plummet!!!

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unless you have an absolutely raw instinct to have children, I suggest you avoid this book. The more I read about how hard being a parent is and how much it changes a person, the more I do not want children for myself.

[Jen Simmons · Rating 4 out of 5]

not a fan of the extreme feminist rhetoric, HOWEVER, i loved this book. reminds me of a favorite quote - "we read to know we are not alone." skipped chapters on childbirth and lactation so can't vouch for those.

[Meagan Church · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting theories and examination of the mask of motherhood. At times it was unrelatable or as if the author went too far to prove her point. Some material seemed a bit outdated.

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Holy crap. No one should ever have babies.

[Anh · Rating 3 out of 5]

A few dubious assertions and 'interesting' generalisations, but overall, I thought it was an intriguing read, and why not, a different voice amongst all the other stuff.

[Cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Powerful, sobering and the most candid book I've read to date on motherhood. Wome and men should read this book. My husband read a few chapters and our marriage is signficantly better as a result.

[Melissa Nelson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should've read it before baby was born!

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was pretty comprehensive but the best book I read about the truth of motherhood.