A.D.D. In Intimate Relationships: A Comprehensive Guide for Couples

by Daniel G. Amen

This book may save marriages that would ordinarily end in divorce and will create happier, healthier loves for couples who previously felt dstined to live together in misery. This book is unique in several * It gives specific healing techniques for overcoming the emotional gap subsequent to ADD. * Dr. Amen shares the existence of ADD within his own experience, bringing both a professional and personal knowledge of the disorder. * It focuses on the repercussions of those who love someone with ADD. * It provides the help you need to keep your family together in a healthy way, which encourages growth rather than turmoil.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Health

Paperback

First published January 1, 1997

About the author

The Washington Post called Dr. Daniel Amen the most popular psychiatrist in America and Sharecare.com named him the web's most influential expert and advocate on mental health.
Daniel Amen is a life-long Christian and graduate of Oral Roberts University School of Medicine. He is a double board-certified psychiatrist and multiple NY Times bestselling author, with such blockbuster books as Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, Healing ADD, Change Your Brain, Change Your Body, and The Daniel Plan, co-authored by Pastor Rick Warren and Dr. Mark Hyman. In November 2016, he and his wife Tana published The Brain Warrior's Way.
Dr. Amen is the founder of Amen Clinics, which has 6 locations across the United States. Amen Clinics has the world's largest database of brain scans related to behavior, totaling more than 125,000 SPECT scans on patients from 111 countries.
Dr. Amen's research team has published more than 70 scientific articles on a wide variety of topics related to brain health. He is the lead researcher on the largest brain imaging study on active and retired NFL players and was a consultant on the movie Concussion starring Will Smith. In 2016, Discover Magazine named his brain imaging work for psychiatric diagnoses as one of the top 100 stories in all of science.
Dr. Amen has also hosted 11 national public television shows about the brain, which have aired more than 80,000 times across North America and raised more than 75 million dollars for stations.

You can connect with Dr. Amen on Facebook and Twitter

Reviews

[Patrick Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

ADD In Intimate Relationships
By Daniel G Amen

- [ ] Wow I instantly relate to this book
- [ ] I hear it from my perspective and how my partner is effected
- [ ] Uses the comparison to untreated/undiagnosed alcoholism, which I also have.
- [ ] Communication, vulnerability, love, acceptance, support, respect, and empathy. These are all required for a strong relationship.
- [ ] I zone out during sex. I am rarely fully present during sex.
- [ ] Hear this loud and repeats it: ADHD is not about will power. It can not and will never go away from trying harder. It is a serious illness of the brain. Your brain is different.
- [ ] Lots of talk of ‘adult children of alcoholics’
- [ ] He repeats sections from his previous books about his experience with is wife/child and his diagnostic criteria
- [ ] I definitely have ADHD
- [ ] This is a great book and Dr. Amen definitely understands ADHD

Barriers to Intimacy
- [ ] Restlessness
- [ ] Boredom
- [ ] Hyperactivity
- [ ] Anger/quick temper
- [ ] Frustration
- [ ] Procrastination
- [ ] Impulsivity
- [ ] Negativity and subsequently rejection of love because of low self esteem
- [ ] Not being present
- [ ] All of these get in the way of being present for your partner/showing your partner love. I can identify with: restlessness, boredom, hyperactivity, impulsivity, not being present.
- [ ] These things played a role in my relationship with Rosi. I worked hard to address the procrastination, doing chores, controlling my emotions. But the hyperactivity and restlessness was always there.
- [ ] The negativity and low self esteem has been present in everyone of my relationships
- [ ] When Dr. Amen talks about the negativity and low self esteem that comes with ADHD, I can really relate to that (I am dealing with it now). The ‘I am a loser’ mentality follows me and wrecks my brain.

- [ ] He goes on to list the seven different subtypes of ADHD. I tend to fall into ADHD broadly and hyperactive ADHD.
- [ ] It’s a family thing. ADHD/alcoholism run in families. The chaos of both effect the children.
- [ ] There is a common connection between untreated ADHD and alcoholism/addictive behavior. I am a product of this. This often sounds like and ADHD/alcoholism book.
- [ ] I feel like he repeating himself from a previous book. I want more but instead I am getting a lot of repetition.
- [ ] Staying sober is significantly easier when ADHD is properly treated.
- [ ] Mentions attending AA meetings as an observer during his residency.
- [ ] The same thing happens in every book that I read about ADHD. They use extreme examples and it terrifies me. It scares me to think/hear what I could become or could do. ADHD is serious. I have to remind myself how lucky I am and how serious I take my ADHD. I am doing great compared to where I could be.
- [ ] Some of the terrible things mentioned: rape, violence, suicide, drug abuse, harm to others
- [ ] A series of short chapters about ADHD and intimacy
- [ ] Parenting problems/sexual problems/household problems
- [ ] The partner feels unloved and unsupported.
- [ ] He mentions conflict seeking as a common behavior. This obviously causes problems for everyone.
- [ ] People with ADHD are seeking stimulation, they want to be aroused, engaged, they need their mind to be turned on. Thus all of the behaviors and problems that come along with ADHD.
- [ ] The partner of the person with ADHD is a victim of the illness and suffers from it. They suffer the trauma, frustration, distrust, and chaos of living with a person that has ADHD.
- [ ] Affairs are common
- [ ] People with ADHD are often sensitive to touch, sounds, smells, taste, etc. This harsh/sensitivity causes issues.
- [ ] People with ADHD commonly refuse or cannot take responsibility and constantly blame their partner for issues. They are short tempered and have crazy outbursts. They are argumentative and conflict seeking. This have massive effects on their relationship and their partner.

- [ ] ADHD hear this load and say it: ADHD is a very treatable illness.
- [ ] Education, medication, therapy, and behavior modification!

- [ ] Make a plan and have relationship goals. Communicate on what you and your partner want the relationship to look like. Write it down.
- [ ] Sex: communicate about sex. Make a plan for what loving sex looks like.
- [ ] What situations and environments are best for you to have sex?
- [ ] When do you feel most comfortable?
- [ ] What is needed for intimate sex v physical sex?
- [ ] Communicate on sex.
- [ ] Many partners of people with ADHD get turned off by the childish behavior of their partner. They don’t want to have sex with a child.

- [ ] Anger: many people with ADHD have anger issues. This is not just temper tantrums. There is internal anger. Self loathing, self pity, rejection of love because one does not love themselves.
- [ ] This is a huge struggle of mine.
- [ ] There are methods to address this:
- [ ] Forgive yourself
- [ ] Exercise
- [ ] Breath
- [ ] Think of your ‘I am awesome list’
- [ ] Love yourself
- [ ] Positive affirmations
- [ ] Do things that make you feel good and accomplished
- [ ] Give compassion, empathy, kindness to yourself
- [ ] Shift the perception of the past and of your childhood
- [ ] Let go of guilt words
- [ ]

- [ ] Communication strategies
- [ ] Communication is difficult for people with ADHD. There has to be a focus on listening, understanding, and showing that you have heard and felt what your partner said.
- [ ] People with ADHD are distracted, loquacious, not present with what their partner is saying.
- [ ] People make assumptions
- [ ] Mind reading
- [ ] They don’t pick up on social cues
- [ ] Unclear expectations and needs
- [ ] Strategies:
- [ ] Echo the other person
- [ ] Summarize what they have said
- [ ] Withhold judgment and wait your turn
- [ ] Give up on being right - it is of least importance
- [ ] Observe their body language

- [ ] Organization of your time and space
- [ ] Procrastination/disorganization/clutter are hallmarks of ADHD. These cause issues in the relationship. Develop strategies to address your organization and productivity.
- [ ] This is an area where I have put in a lot of work to improve. It has become one of my strengths. Although I may still be disorganized and can be scattered in my speech, work, actions.
- [ ] Chronic lateness

- [ ] To parents
- [ ] Support the child
- [ ] Listen to them
- [ ] Love them
- [ ] Don’t act out in anger
- [ ] Don’t punish the child to harm them, teach them
- [ ] Praise the child and recognize their positive behavior ten times more than you critique them and notice their negative behaviors
- [ ] Never withhold love/affection/time

- [ ] ADHD is genetic and the whole family must be treated
- [ ] I am not sure this is entirely true

- [ ] This was a good book. I just wish there was more detail, I wanted more. Great place to start though.

[Darcy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This felt more like a general overview, rather than a guide specifically for intimate relationships. Useful nonetheless.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt like it was a bit dated, and the description of a lot of the fighting problems (which was a huge part of the book) more sounded like personality disorders than ADD. He described his wife’s issues of blowing up and picking fights, and having a trauma filled childhood. All of which to me seemed like Boarderline Personality, not ADD.

As far a usefulness… I felt like the book basically just said go to therapy and take meds. Here are all these families that got better because they did. He did go over some good parenting skills, but it seemed more general skills that everyone should be doing, not specifically for ADD children. Likewise, he didn’t really go into specifics of helpful relationship advice for ADD spouses. Yes there were tips, like those with ADD need an organization to follow, but what of the spouse?

I felt like this book would have been much better if it went more into examples of how the person who is in a relationship with the ADD individual can work with them, rather than just being informed of what the issues are.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is hand downs the best self help book I have ever read! Dr. Amen is speaking from experience which makes it even more relatable. The tools provided are so simple yet so effective. Relationships, parenting and ADHD are all challenging. The experiences, insight and methodical approach Dr. Amen explains is easy to read, understand and implement. Any parent or partner should read this book with or without ADHD and especially anyone with ADHD. If you are in a relationship with someone with ADHD or raising a child with ADHD this book is a MUST. So beneficial. Thank you Dr. Amen! Your work is amazing.

[Duke DeLaet · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book singlehandedly underlined many of the things i didn't understand about relationships. After approaching relationships with ideals and good intentions for so many years, I hadnt considered that navigating the nuances just might not be possible. This book opened my eyes to what IS possible and so I sought out treatment in order to create better relationships in the future.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

A bit technical at times (it’s helpful to have read “Healing ADD” first for some background knowledge) but the patient examples / stories help the technical points sink in. Very informative and insightful.

[GateGypsy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Useful information. Further elaboration of various sub-types of ADHD/ADD. Advice for adults, parents, children. A generational approach to treating ADHD and the way it can effect whole families.

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

...And in families. Gives a great overview of what ADD really is and living with family members.

[Alberto Ibarra · Rating 2 out of 5]

Great content - not the best writing style for someone with ADHD