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One With a Shepherd: The Tears and Triumps of a Ministry Marriage
One with a Shepherd is a wealth of God's wisdom and grace for the wife of a man in ministry. It is biblical, practical and personal. Whether one has been a pastor's wife for some time, or is just starting out, this book will serve as a faithful friend in equipping and encouraging the minister's wife in her quest to exalt Christ and have joy in the journey.
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1975
7 people are currently reading
103 people want to read
About the author
Mary Somerville
3 booksMary Somerville (M.A., Trinity Evangelical Divinity School) has 35 years experience as a pastor’s wife. In that role she has been her husband Bob’s chief encourager as he has shepherded two Evangelical Free churches—one in New Jersey and one in California. They have two grown children and five grandchildren.
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
January 15, 2023
One With a Shepherd gave me great joy and encouragement in the ministry. It got me excited to serve my husband as he shepherds our church. I thought this book had a great balance of setting a right heart attitude and motivations for ministry as well as practical tips for everyday living and the particular hardships that come with ministry life. The later chapters on counseling and discipling women are treasures of wisdom and tips for any lady in the church.
November 12, 2011
This ia a great Book, a spectacular and special book for pastors wife, I life the readers point of veiw. She can from the angle and wrote the book froma wife's point of view. Most book that i have read about ministry wives are usually about you and you role as a pastor's wife but this is different. she talks from the role as a wife and the impact your husbands role affects you and you marriage family and life.
I appreciate her insight and would definately recommend this to any one married to the ministry. It will definatelt bless you and hold youaccountably as a wife to build your home for your family. I would also be reading this again for a refresher!!!
I appreciate her insight and would definately recommend this to any one married to the ministry. It will definatelt bless you and hold youaccountably as a wife to build your home for your family. I would also be reading this again for a refresher!!!
February 13, 2016
This is a sweeping overview of the role of a pastor's wife grounded in Scripture instead of popular church culture. I found esp. freeing the idea that pastors' wives don't have a particular job description but should instead use their varied gifts much like any other member.
November 9, 2020
Definitely one I plan to revisit as the years go by.
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August 30, 2024Pondering:
Perhaps we hardly think of [loneliness] calling for courage, because we hardly think of it as real suffering, yet it fits the simplest definition I know: having what you don't want, or wanting what you don't have. Loneliness we don't want. It comes from wanting what we don't have.
"Likewise, their wives must be reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things" (1 Tim. 3:11). As wives of men in ministry, you and I must be sure that we have this kind of exemplary character. But what are the "all things" that we are supposed to be faithful in? Scripture makes it plain that our calling is exactly the same as that of every other woman in the church -to be a godly woman, wife, mother, and faithful member of the body of Christ.
The term reverent is taken from the word revere, which means to regard with affectionate awe or veneration.
God wants us to exemplify behavior that exhibits affectionate awe for God. One way for us to keep that focus is to dwell on the attributes of God and His Son. It is easy to let the demands of life and the culture around us draw us away from our greatest privilege as women - knowing and revering God. Obedience will flow naturally from that loving respect. We need to, constantly keep our eyes on the awesome God we serve.
Even as a wife of a man in ministry, your main role is to love your husband and children, to guard your purity, to be a worker —a kind worker at home and to be subject to your own husband so that the Word of God may not be dishonored. Any other ministry that you pursue in the church must not interfere with these priorities.
Proverbs 31:27 speaks of the importance of the wife's role as a household manager. "She looks well to the ways of her family." The Hebrew word for
"looks well" is the one used of a watchman who guards a city from enemy assault. Just as you would not want a watchman to come on duty tired and strained from another job, you do not want the watchman of your home expending all her effort and energy on other pursuits and giving her leftover attention to her family. However, each couple must decide before the Lord what is the best way for that wife to fulfill her responsibilities as a homemaker and be a sterling example for the flock. As we seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness, He promises to supply all of our needs. It doesn't mean that we are exempt from suffering.
The oneness we have through ministry doesn't just happen; it takes conscious effort to have a close camaraderie because we are each busy in our own particular area of ministry. Weeks and months can go by without connecting with other wives of pastors in your church. It is important for someone on the staff to initiate this vital fellowship.
Areas to evaluate:
* Focus on Your Role in the Body
* Recruit and Train Others
* Prioritize and Organize
* Keep Family First
* Do Not Add to Your Husband's Load
* Accept Help from Others
* Rest One Day in Seven
* Care for Your Body
* Take Vacations
* Take Mini-breaks
* Bear One Another's Burdens as a Staff
* Recognize the Different Seasons of Life
I hope you will look at each of these areas and see what practical steps you need to take to evaluate your life as a min-stry wife and couple. Plan now to sit down with your calendar anaplanner and evaluate with your husband what changes you'll make- and then commit to making those changes to enhance your life as a ministry couple.
We also nurture our oneness with Christ through prayer. As we pray God imprints His own image of Christ's character on our lives - His love, His wisdom, and His compassion toward those for whom we pray. We surrender to His will as we pray, "Lord, Your will be done." We don't pray for our own gain but for God's glory.
This is the success to rejoice in - His power at work in our lives. Do we love Christ so much that we are willing to serve Him when no one sees or appreciates us, or even when we gain enemies for the sake of the gospel?
From all that dims Thy Calvary, O Lamb of God,
deliver me.
Give me the love that leads the way,
The faith that nothing can dismay
The hope no disappointments tire
The passion that will burn like fire,
Let me not sink to be a clod:
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.'
The "if only's" weren't glorifying to God in that they were not demonstrating contentment.
Contentment is such an important virtue. It demonstrates trust in God's sovereignty.
John Piper writes:
Christ does not exist in order to make much of us. We exist in order to enjoy making much of him...Christ is not glorious so that we get wealthy or healthy. Christ is glorious so that rich or poor, sick or sound, (successful church ministry or not), we might be satisfied in him.'
One way to test ourselves to see if we are giving the honor back to God or craving it for ourselves is to see how we respond when we don't get it. We can become used to being honored and find ourselves looking for it and expecting it. We will be disappointed when it is not there.
MARRIAGE:
Samuel Hopkins, a writer of the day wrote:
It was a happy circumstance that he (Jonathan) could trust everything to the care of Mrs. Edwards with entire safety and with undoubting confidence. She was a most judicious and faithful mistress of a family, habitually industrious, a sound economist, managing her household affairs with diligence and discretion. While she uniformly paid a becoming deference to her husband and treated him with entire respect, she spared no pains in conforming to his inclination and rendering everything in the family agreeable and pleasant?
John Adams asked Abigail's opinion if he should stay out of it. She replied, "No, John. We're small, we three dependents of yours, and not of much use in a fight; but we'll follow you down the trail as far as it goes."
“Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband - that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly" Eph. 5:33, Amplified).
After one exhausting day in the ministry, Bob threw himself on the bed and said, "After eight years in the ministry just what have I accomplished?" My response was, "You've made one woman the happiest woman in the world." He has remembered that and how much it meant to him. That was all he needed.
Elyse Fitzpatrick, in her book Helper by Design, beautifully describes this perfect gift:
The sexual relationship is wondrously unique because it is unmasked, unclothed whispers of surrender and intimate self-revelation accompanied by an embracing acceptance of another. It's as though we're saying to our husband, You see me as I am and I delight in that; I see you as you are, and I embrace you and am one with you. I surrender myself to you. As the bride in Solomon's Song exulted, 'My beloved is mine, and I am his... and his desire is for me' (Song of Songs
2:16; 7:20).3
Total intimacy is a life-long process. It involves intentionally working on unity -as we have seen - by committing to close communication, seeking to edify with our words, keeping confidences, building a flourishing friendship, fanning the flames of romance, seeking to be faithful to our husband, dealing with sin, and resolving conflict in a loving manner. It involves sharing everything, our hopes and dreams, our fail-ures, our successes, our sufferings and joys, our possessions and our bodies. What each does is for the other. It does not mean total uniformity, because God has created us to be differ-ent. Our differences must not hinder our unity; their existence is designed to enhance our lives as one.
Below are some directions from Scripture as you pray for your husband:
* That he will be a man after God's own heart with an intimate relationship with the Savior (Matt. 22:37)
* That the fruit of the Spirit be produced in his life (Gal. 5:22-23)
* That he would yield to the Spirit and live through His power (Eph. 5:18)
* That your love for each other will grow (Eph. 5:25)
* That he remains faithful to you in thought and action and you to him (Prov. 6-7)
* For the blessing of safety, health and strength (Prov. 10:22)
* For wisdom as he leads the family spiritually and in all the decisions he makes (Ps. 1)
* That he would have the qualities given in 1 Tim 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9
PARENTING:
Is gaining my child's approval or friendship an idol of my heart? Am I secking to please my child above God through overlooking behavior that needs to be disciplined? Do I faith filly set standards and carry out discipline, or am I permis-sive? These are questions that parents should ask themselves.
Romans 12:1-2 // We are to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice to God, and we are not to be conformed to the world's mold. Anything that contributes to the deeds of the flesh would fit into the world's mold (Gal. 5:19). Ask your child, "Do the lyrics of this song contribute to dissension and despair or do they contribute to peace and joy?" The ultimate test for any activity is, Can I do this for God's glory? Can I watch this movie or program on television; read this magazine; have this poster on my wall or listen to this music for God's glory (1 Cor. 10:31)? You can help your children evaluate their lifestyle by asking them good questions.
1 Sam. 2:29; 3:13
…As we learned from Eli, it is God who we are first dishonoring when we fail in our parenting. He is the One who can forgive us and He is the One who can draw our children to repentance as well.
Perhaps we hardly think of [loneliness] calling for courage, because we hardly think of it as real suffering, yet it fits the simplest definition I know: having what you don't want, or wanting what you don't have. Loneliness we don't want. It comes from wanting what we don't have.
"Likewise, their wives must be reverent, not slanderers, temperate, faithful in all things" (1 Tim. 3:11). As wives of men in ministry, you and I must be sure that we have this kind of exemplary character. But what are the "all things" that we are supposed to be faithful in? Scripture makes it plain that our calling is exactly the same as that of every other woman in the church -to be a godly woman, wife, mother, and faithful member of the body of Christ.
The term reverent is taken from the word revere, which means to regard with affectionate awe or veneration.
God wants us to exemplify behavior that exhibits affectionate awe for God. One way for us to keep that focus is to dwell on the attributes of God and His Son. It is easy to let the demands of life and the culture around us draw us away from our greatest privilege as women - knowing and revering God. Obedience will flow naturally from that loving respect. We need to, constantly keep our eyes on the awesome God we serve.
Even as a wife of a man in ministry, your main role is to love your husband and children, to guard your purity, to be a worker —a kind worker at home and to be subject to your own husband so that the Word of God may not be dishonored. Any other ministry that you pursue in the church must not interfere with these priorities.
Proverbs 31:27 speaks of the importance of the wife's role as a household manager. "She looks well to the ways of her family." The Hebrew word for
"looks well" is the one used of a watchman who guards a city from enemy assault. Just as you would not want a watchman to come on duty tired and strained from another job, you do not want the watchman of your home expending all her effort and energy on other pursuits and giving her leftover attention to her family. However, each couple must decide before the Lord what is the best way for that wife to fulfill her responsibilities as a homemaker and be a sterling example for the flock. As we seek first God's kingdom and His righteousness, He promises to supply all of our needs. It doesn't mean that we are exempt from suffering.
The oneness we have through ministry doesn't just happen; it takes conscious effort to have a close camaraderie because we are each busy in our own particular area of ministry. Weeks and months can go by without connecting with other wives of pastors in your church. It is important for someone on the staff to initiate this vital fellowship.
Areas to evaluate:
* Focus on Your Role in the Body
* Recruit and Train Others
* Prioritize and Organize
* Keep Family First
* Do Not Add to Your Husband's Load
* Accept Help from Others
* Rest One Day in Seven
* Care for Your Body
* Take Vacations
* Take Mini-breaks
* Bear One Another's Burdens as a Staff
* Recognize the Different Seasons of Life
I hope you will look at each of these areas and see what practical steps you need to take to evaluate your life as a min-stry wife and couple. Plan now to sit down with your calendar anaplanner and evaluate with your husband what changes you'll make- and then commit to making those changes to enhance your life as a ministry couple.
We also nurture our oneness with Christ through prayer. As we pray God imprints His own image of Christ's character on our lives - His love, His wisdom, and His compassion toward those for whom we pray. We surrender to His will as we pray, "Lord, Your will be done." We don't pray for our own gain but for God's glory.
This is the success to rejoice in - His power at work in our lives. Do we love Christ so much that we are willing to serve Him when no one sees or appreciates us, or even when we gain enemies for the sake of the gospel?
From all that dims Thy Calvary, O Lamb of God,
deliver me.
Give me the love that leads the way,
The faith that nothing can dismay
The hope no disappointments tire
The passion that will burn like fire,
Let me not sink to be a clod:
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.'
The "if only's" weren't glorifying to God in that they were not demonstrating contentment.
Contentment is such an important virtue. It demonstrates trust in God's sovereignty.
John Piper writes:
Christ does not exist in order to make much of us. We exist in order to enjoy making much of him...Christ is not glorious so that we get wealthy or healthy. Christ is glorious so that rich or poor, sick or sound, (successful church ministry or not), we might be satisfied in him.'
One way to test ourselves to see if we are giving the honor back to God or craving it for ourselves is to see how we respond when we don't get it. We can become used to being honored and find ourselves looking for it and expecting it. We will be disappointed when it is not there.
MARRIAGE:
Samuel Hopkins, a writer of the day wrote:
It was a happy circumstance that he (Jonathan) could trust everything to the care of Mrs. Edwards with entire safety and with undoubting confidence. She was a most judicious and faithful mistress of a family, habitually industrious, a sound economist, managing her household affairs with diligence and discretion. While she uniformly paid a becoming deference to her husband and treated him with entire respect, she spared no pains in conforming to his inclination and rendering everything in the family agreeable and pleasant?
John Adams asked Abigail's opinion if he should stay out of it. She replied, "No, John. We're small, we three dependents of yours, and not of much use in a fight; but we'll follow you down the trail as far as it goes."
“Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband - that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly" Eph. 5:33, Amplified).
After one exhausting day in the ministry, Bob threw himself on the bed and said, "After eight years in the ministry just what have I accomplished?" My response was, "You've made one woman the happiest woman in the world." He has remembered that and how much it meant to him. That was all he needed.
Elyse Fitzpatrick, in her book Helper by Design, beautifully describes this perfect gift:
The sexual relationship is wondrously unique because it is unmasked, unclothed whispers of surrender and intimate self-revelation accompanied by an embracing acceptance of another. It's as though we're saying to our husband, You see me as I am and I delight in that; I see you as you are, and I embrace you and am one with you. I surrender myself to you. As the bride in Solomon's Song exulted, 'My beloved is mine, and I am his... and his desire is for me' (Song of Songs
2:16; 7:20).3
Total intimacy is a life-long process. It involves intentionally working on unity -as we have seen - by committing to close communication, seeking to edify with our words, keeping confidences, building a flourishing friendship, fanning the flames of romance, seeking to be faithful to our husband, dealing with sin, and resolving conflict in a loving manner. It involves sharing everything, our hopes and dreams, our fail-ures, our successes, our sufferings and joys, our possessions and our bodies. What each does is for the other. It does not mean total uniformity, because God has created us to be differ-ent. Our differences must not hinder our unity; their existence is designed to enhance our lives as one.
Below are some directions from Scripture as you pray for your husband:
* That he will be a man after God's own heart with an intimate relationship with the Savior (Matt. 22:37)
* That the fruit of the Spirit be produced in his life (Gal. 5:22-23)
* That he would yield to the Spirit and live through His power (Eph. 5:18)
* That your love for each other will grow (Eph. 5:25)
* That he remains faithful to you in thought and action and you to him (Prov. 6-7)
* For the blessing of safety, health and strength (Prov. 10:22)
* For wisdom as he leads the family spiritually and in all the decisions he makes (Ps. 1)
* That he would have the qualities given in 1 Tim 3:1-7 and Titus 1:6-9
PARENTING:
Is gaining my child's approval or friendship an idol of my heart? Am I secking to please my child above God through overlooking behavior that needs to be disciplined? Do I faith filly set standards and carry out discipline, or am I permis-sive? These are questions that parents should ask themselves.
Romans 12:1-2 // We are to offer ourselves as a living sacrifice to God, and we are not to be conformed to the world's mold. Anything that contributes to the deeds of the flesh would fit into the world's mold (Gal. 5:19). Ask your child, "Do the lyrics of this song contribute to dissension and despair or do they contribute to peace and joy?" The ultimate test for any activity is, Can I do this for God's glory? Can I watch this movie or program on television; read this magazine; have this poster on my wall or listen to this music for God's glory (1 Cor. 10:31)? You can help your children evaluate their lifestyle by asking them good questions.
1 Sam. 2:29; 3:13
…As we learned from Eli, it is God who we are first dishonoring when we fail in our parenting. He is the One who can forgive us and He is the One who can draw our children to repentance as well.
April 30, 2012
Mary did an excellent job of explaining to all women that support their husbands, the importance of what it is to be a good listener. Her information was rich and so much to gain from reading this book. It really helped me in how to be a better helpmate to my husband.
All women should read this book especially those whose husbands are in ministry.
All women should read this book especially those whose husbands are in ministry.
January 18, 2022
There was definitely some meat....some things to learn and heed from this book. But alot of her sharing was less principles and more "do this" and felt a bit toward legalistic to me.
November 11, 2025
Really encouraging book for new & experienced pastors’ wives. I was given this as a gift from another elder’s wife when we arrived here at HBC. I loved reading it!
January 8, 2009
This is a wonderful, must-have, book for any pastor's wife. My favorite quote was at the very end of the book: "To be one with a shepherd can actually be a foretaste of heaven on earth. May God give us His wisdom to understand our role and give us His grace to spend and be spent because of the love we have for our indescribably wonderful Lord Jesus."
April 5, 2013
There is very little out there in the way of encouragement for pastors' wives, but this book hits the mark. Ministry couples have unique challenges and the author addresses each one with tenderness and wisdom. I highly recommend it.
June 8, 2022
Much of this was incredibly helpful! I appreciated the biblical perspective, though was slightly put off by the strongly worded opinions regarding women working outside the home and interpretation of Proverbs 31 in regard to that.
February 27, 2008
Great practical/applicable resource for women whose husbands serve in any capacity. Also good biblical book on women's roles in general!
May 20, 2010
This is an incredible book for ministers wives. I have learned a lot already and highly recommend it.
November 13, 2015
Very practical book for a new pastor/minister wife. The encouragement and biblical support given is really needed for those married to a shepherd.
October 7, 2014
Very practical book, encouraging and challenging all at once.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews