First Comes Love: A Memoir

by Marion Winik

A heartbreaking and hilarious memoir by longtime All Things Considered commentator and author of The Glen Rock Book of the Dead charts the trajectory of a marriage so impossible that it became inevitable.

"Gritty, funny, moving, horrific, outrageous—and, above all, fearlessly honest.... ultimately a joyous story." — Newsday

When Marion Winik fell in love with Tony Heubach during a wild Mardi Gras in New Orleans, her friends shook their heads.  For starters, she was straight and he was gay.  But Marion and Tony's impossible love turned out to be true enough to produce a marriage and two beautiful sons, true enough to weather drug addiction, sexual betrayal, and the AIDS that would kill Tony at the age of thirty-seven, twelve years after they met.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir, LGBT, Essays, Biography

273 pages, Paperback

First published April 2, 1996

About the author

Longtime All Things Considered commentator Marion Winik is the author of First Comes Love, The Glen Rock Book of the Dead and seven other books. The Baltimore Book of the Dead is forthcoming from Counterpoint this fall. Her award-winning column on BaltimoreFishbowl.com appears monthly, and her essays have been published in The New York Times Magazine, The Sun and elsewhere. She is the host of The Weekly Reader radio show and podcast and reviews books for Newsday, People, and Kirkus Review. She is a board member of the National Book Critics Circle and a professor in the MFA program at the University of Baltimore. More info at marionwinik.com.

Reviews

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the way Marion Winik writes. I can't get enough of the way it flows so smoothly over such rough subject matter. Her personal story is so painful and wrenching but I couldn't put the book down. Now I want to go back and reread her earlier book, Telling.

I met her at the TExas Book Festival a few weeks ago here in Austin. She was very personable and approachable. I wish I had read this book before I met her.

I highly recommend this book. And "Telling".

[J · Rating 3 out of 5]

What a roller coaster ride - You feel the highs, lows, anxiety, sadness, pain and love come right off the page. The story is told so well the book just glides along.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marion Winik's writing is real and raw. I laughed and cried right along with her.

[Julene · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been on my list for a long time so I'm glad I finally read this memoir; Marion Winik writes well; she brings us through her relationship and marriage to a gay man from the euphoric beginning, into the chaotic middle, to the very hard end.

It was difficult to read at the beginning with all the drug use, and again when the relationship started to turn. Her husband, who took her last name when they married, has a personality change. She learns he started using drugs again and kept it secret. It's not a surprise because of their long history of use. She reminds us he took her name because his father, who his mother left, was abusive.

She documents how very typical it was for a man living and dying from AIDS back when medications options were limited. Plus, she captures perfectly the essence of why he loved her and gave up his gay life to marry, it was her devotion and doting on him that he needed. This came through in the one chapter where the voice is in his point of view.

At the end, in her acknowledgements, she thanks him for reading her work and for giving encouragement, which was a total surprise, especially because of all the details of his invasions: reading her diary, stealing money from her bank account, having jealous eruptions, and becoming violence. Her love changed but she remained constant even after getting a lawyer for a divorce. She was with him till his end.

[Patricia]

This book hit so close to my own experience that I was at times overwhelmed. Winik does not shy away from precise honesty, which makes her an extremely reliable narrator. She gives up, she gives in, she doesn't forget the powerful initial attraction to her loved one, nor does she fail to admit that the truth that was apparent from the beginning. She wrestles with the super complexities of attraction in a vivid portrayal of their relationship. I was unable to pick up another book for several days after finishing his one as I had to let the impact of her story fade.

[Regina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me as a "MUST READ NOW." I read it in the course of 24 hours, in a frenzy that made my palms sweat and my head spin. The book was frustrating, tragic, triggering, and sometimes completely maddening. In terms of her life choices and her somewhat understandable "biased storytelling," I wanted to give this book a three at best. However, that would not really be fair. Who am I to judge her life choices that led her to writing this book. At the end of the day, she is a solid writer, with a rather incredibly story to tell. I was at such odds with the story that I had to keep notes as I read; there are so many things I wish I could ask the writer! Regardless of how you feel about her actions and decisions, the story is truly one of a kind, compelling, and definitely leaves you with many intense feelings.

[Maggi · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is about a narcissistic,selfish woman who gets what she wants no matter what. She met a openly gay man and went after him full force. The man in question did not seem to have much to say in how this woman control his life ,sending him back into the closet.Married him and had kids with him.Kids(4 and 7 years old each) which later she would explain in extreme detailed how their father died and how he contracted HIV/AIDS. Why would someone do that to such young kids?
She is never aware of anybody's feelings or needs .Always playing the victim .She makes one mistake after another,one bad decision after another .Never taking any kind of responsability in her actions.
I can not believe this woman had no one close to her telling her that the man she was pursuing was gay and that she should look somewhere else. She robbed him from living his life as he wished
I got the feeling that this woman creates her own chaos in order to have something to write about.
Btw, Never understood the name of the book....First come love? where? for whom ? for her?.

[Samantha Nowatzke · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's always hard to "rate" a memoir since it's someone's personal journey and story to tell but yet there are ways of delivery that set some apart. Some also have a tale that is more interesting to us. This particular memoir was well written but I also just really enjoyed hearing a unique tale of love, loss, and everything in between from Winik. Love is messy and often we love people that may not make sense or perhaps they are not inherently good for us but alas, we love them all the same. I appreciated that this is mostly a tale of two people who loved each other despite many circumstances that should have kept them apart and built a life together. It wasn't always pretty especially at the end, but it was real.

[Patricia A. Paluzzi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was sucked in

I really enjoyed this story even when I did not expect to at the beginning. Marian is a good writer and the story is interesting and sad and human and unbelievable and thoroughly relatable all at the same time.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great voice, unbelievable story, honest and heartfelt. RIP Tony.

[Christianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this years ago and re-read it recently. I had forgotten how wonderful it is.

[Chris Edgell · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite books. A lovely unconventional love story.

[Charles Michael Fischer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderfully written.

[Zia Wesley · Rating 4 out of 5]

An extraordinary train wreck that I couldn't stop reading! She is such an insightful writer and unafraid to dig to the very bottom and reveal the things most people try to hide. Brave, fearless and happily, still with us! I will read anything she writes.

[Briana · Rating 4 out of 5]

What happens when a straight woman and a gay man fall in love, get married, and have kids? What if, in the beginning, they’re deeply involved with heroin and then they quit, but then he doesn’t or can’t? What if he is HIV+ and later—after things have unraveled—needs help dying?

A memoir that I am still digesting and probably will be for awhile. Compelling writing with only a few heavy-handed or clumsy passages. Raises a lot of questions about love, marriage, sex, desire, and happiness. Recommended.

In the end, I still had so many questions about Tony (Winik’s husband) and the kids though. Somehow the story didn’t seem entirely fair to them. The kids make only brief and sporadic appearances and for the most part aren’t treated as real, whole people who are affected by their parents’ decisions. And with the exception of one short chapter where Winik attempts to see through Tony’s eyes, she never fully applies her talents to helping readers understand and really see Tony.

To be fair, from what I understand, she began writing this memoir immediately after Tony died, so I can only imagine how difficult it would have been to do under the circumstances. Or maybe she made a choice not to. Or maybe she didn’t have the answers to many of the questions. Or just didn’t want to share them. But to me it made her somewhat less credible as a storyteller. Her own story has a booming heartbeat and effortlessly drags you along, but some of the other "characters" lack a similar depth and dimension. Still, undoubtedly worth a read.

[Jyl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marion is the bravest writer I know of. She shares her life in such a way that will have you laughing till you cry, and then have your heart breaking for her when her heart breaks, and cheering for her as she finds her way through the pain, emerging as a fierce devoted warrior mother. I identified with her in so many ways that it made me question my own strength, and finding comfort in knowing that I'm not the only woman in the world who would willingly choose to fully dare to love someone in a way that could only end in such beautiful disaster. Marion is truly a hero to me. I have not doubt that this woman, in spite of her seemingly bad choices, is one of the most sane and generous women alive. I love EVERYTHING she has written. Her humor makes every one of her books about her life more adventurous than tragic, and she lives it with unparalleled passion. I recommend this book to anyone who thinks marriage will be easy, or to anyone who thinks the hard times aren't worth sticking around for. She is amazing and wholehearted. Always.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just your typical love story about a heterosexual girl who falls in love with a homosexual man, they then marry, have kids, and share their lives. While he remains homosexual.

The unusual situation of their relationship is not what defines the story. It's the passionate love of two people who can't live without each other and can't live with each other. Winik shares all the joy and all the pain of their love affair, their marriage, and their family. And there is plenty of both joy and pain. Winik manages to write objectively about her life while remaining passionately inside her life. And she is a very compelling writer. Her use of language reveals her poetic skills. And her clear-eyed honesty reveals the emotions of a captured, broken, and mended heart.

Occasionally non-fiction makes me choke up a little and brings a bit of dampness to my eyes. This story made me cry. And smile those deep, soul affirming smiles.

[Annie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book years ago and fell in love with it. It was borrowed for a beach weekend and returned promptly upon returning, I never could remember it's title or authors name until this semester I walked into my writing class and there she was... the author of one of y favorite all time books. She pretty freakin' cool in real life too. The story's gritty realism and love when there is nothing else is absolutely amazing and inspiring, specifically for anyone who has even neared the trips Marion herself has taken.

[Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Winik is a wonderful writer and an amazing person. With her story, she illuminates life in a way which gives beauty to disaster. At times during this read, I wondered how she could of ever experienced true joy in those drug-crazed years. The book never wanes, it yanks and drags you through its narrative from beginning to end.

I was privileged to have worked with Ms. Winik at a workshop in Hudson Valley. She is as brilliant, energetic and consciencious of others as she portrays herself in her memoir. I feel lucky to have met her and been graced with a few hours of her literary glow.

[Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suggested to me by one of my oldest friends who lives in Austin, TX - this harrowing story of a girl who grew up in privilege in Long Branch, NJ and who almost lost herself to drinking and drugs is a great story of love and loss. Marion Winink used every skill she had to stop drinking and drugging and ended up in New Orleans in love with a gay man with AIDS. I could smell the booze on Bourbon Street and feel her anger and frustration that her life was not going according to her plan.

[Mason Cornelius · Rating 4 out of 5]

A dying-husband-memoir written with such love and tenderness toward the conflicted, drug addled and addicted dying husband and her own desperate young self that it was completely worth the effort even if maybe a little too soon after losing my mother to be reading this genre. Especially endearing to me was her honesty about having created a very unusual family.

I cried all the way through it and would read it all over again, just not right away.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

First Comes Love is the most unconventional and inspiring love story I’ve ever read. The narrator, a heterosexual woman who falls in love with and marries an openly gay man, owns her flaws and idiosyncrasies from page one—she is intriguing and lovable. Their relationship is one of a kind. Somehow through AIDS, drug addiction, betrayal and violence, one can’t help but believe in and root for this exceptional couple.

[Briana Alzola · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended by a friend and I didn't really know what to expect. I was thinking it was going to be a light story -- woman falls in love with gay man and they get married and have babies! It was so much more than that. It was heartbreaking and dark in the best ways. I forgot this was a memoir multiple times in the story, which I think is the mark of a great writer. You're just reading a story that happens to be true.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a lovely book about forgiveness and understanding. Winik marries a man who eventually comes out as a gay man. They divorce, and she nurses him through an HIV diagnoses and eventual death from AIDS. It's sorrowful, sweet and heartbreaking as the experiences include the couple's two children. I highly recommend.

[Barbara Ixba · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the premise of this book is extremely interesting, it takes a while for it to really get going. The ending did make me cry quite a bit, and the overall story is raw and incredibly honest. I think that the book maybe contains too much detail at times and that drags the story on longer than necessary.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing writing about an extraordinary life. Honest and no-holds-barred tale of how she fell in love with a gay man, fathered two children with him and eventually helped him commit suicide after his suffering with AIDS. Must read. Warning: You'll be bawling at the end.

[Faith Swords · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the story of a woman and the love of her life - a man who happens to be gay, HIV positive and her husband and the father of her children. It is absolutely heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir took my breath away, although I was already predisposed to love Marion after reading her first collection of essays. Here, she recollects the triumph and tragedy of marrying the love of her life, a gay man who fathers her two sons, but ultimately contracts AIDS. Haunting.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the way Marion tells a story- like she is your best friend letting you in on a secret. This story was even more fascinating to me since Marion and Tony ran in my social circles back in the 80's in Austin.

[Gr8serenity · Rating 4 out of 5]

The story is very touching and has every emotion. Sometimes it seemed to go off course and was hard to follow. Overall its still a great book and I would recommend to anyone I know who is interested in the subject of marriage and HIV/AIDS.