Secrets of a Passionate Marriage

by David Schnarch

Starting from the perspective that sexual difficulty and other common problems are not a sign of weakness, but rather the hallmark of the crucial work of all emotionally committed relationships, a clinical psychologist shares his approach for keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Marriage, Psychology, Audiobook, Sexuality

Audio Cassette

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

David Schnarch is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of numerous books and articles on intimacy, sexuality, and relationships. He is the Director of the Crucible® Institute and his work has attracted clients and students from across the globe. His book Passionate Marriage is a perennial bestseller, offering the general public his revolutionary approach in a pragmatic and easy-to-understand form.

Reviews

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this on recommendation from my therapist sister who is getting specialized training right now in this area. It was only two hours long and was broken up into four sessions. The best part I gleaned from this was in the beginning where the author talked about differentiation. In it he stress four ways to do this:

1. Have a clear sense of self
2. Regulating your own anxiety
3. Not getting overreactive
4. Tolerating discomfiting truths for the sake of intimacy and growth

All of this in a marriage is easier said than done, but if gave me a lot to think about.

[Kendel Christensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Freaking amazing. Do you want truth, the hard truth that will go the distance to make the real differences you crave for? This is the place. But be warned, it is not for the faint of heart: This will require accepting things you don't WANT to be true, but are.

[Rick Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s a good, quick book. Esther Perel mentions it in on of her books so I thought I’d give it a read.

The idea is that you can’t experience intimacy until you know who you are. Only through being comfortable with your identity can you share any sense of closeness with someone else without the fear of losing yourself to them.

Through self regulation we can allow ourselves to be intimate. Intimacy comes not from a merging of persons, A melting of wax into a single candle. But from the ability to observe each other with honesty and compassion. To know deeply who your partner is and to still appreciate and cherish them.

I’m not sure that I would take everything within as gospel. First of all I’m not married so I can’t speak to that experience with any sort of credibility. The author does say this is more about long term relationships. The book is short and beyond a sort of personal validation of “oh yeah I’ve experienced that. that seems about right“ I’m not sure how well the advice works for a variety of people. Much of it strikes home for me, but I am by no means representative sample of the general population.

I’d still recommend it to just about everyone. It’s quick. It’s thought-provoking. And it’s brought up some very good conversations with my current partner. Take the good bits and disregard to stuff you don’t connect with. What more can you ask from a book like this?

[Jaycee Limutau · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wrote a very thought provoking review for this book and have no idea where it went?
This won’t be in depth but felt like I needed to write something real quick because by looking at this book you may think this is an erotic sex book... it is not.
I listened to the audiobook and the author “reads” it more like a lecture or podcast. It began in the 3 stars range but ended in a solid 4 star for me. I felt like for the phase of life I’m in (married 18’years and in my 40s with five kids and a dog) everything hit home.
I would highly recommend this book. The author does say the F word but more of a psychological term per say in a certain section of the book only a couple of times pertaining to what he is speaking about. Just FYI to any sensitive readers and friends.

[Mackenzie Byersdorf · Rating 5 out of 5]

Despite a cheesy cover photo, I feel like the content of this book offers foundational wisdom of what it takes to truly GROW in a marriage. I wish I'd had this book 16 years ago -- the concepts of differentiation and a balanced sense of self would have saved me a lot of therapy 😉 But I LOVE that the author puts the onus of growth on ME. It's my job to compassionately care for myself and notice my own areas of anxiety and desire, instead of waiting for my spouse to notice.

The central idea of a couple's sex life being the breeding ground (sorry, I had to) of much anxiety/conflict/misunderstanding serves as a relatable and universal on ramp to researched practices that feel accessible to most people. I've been married for 16 years and this book gave some of the most no-nonsense, profound insights I've come across into why marriage is a "people growing machine"; it's MEANT to cause us to grow, so our own flaws/issues don't mean there's something wrong with our marriage, it means we are normal and we have the opportunity to personally grow (which will then grow our marriage!).

A few of the detailed conversations around sex are probably not for those who aren't married or in a committed sexual relationship - though I'm prone to modesty 😊 The author addresses the spiritual nature of healthy sex lives, though does not come from one specific spiritual lens, if that matters to you.

I couldn't find the actual book on audio, so I listened to what is offered from Audible or the public libraries - a 2.5 hour CD/audio recording of the author going through the main content of the book. The length was perfect and didn't add extra fluff! Loved listening to the author read it himself, as he put his sense of humor (around a sometimes awkward topic!) into his reading. His own decades of being married, and work as a multi-faceted therapist, builds trust with the reader/listener, too.

[Rob Lund · Rating 4 out of 5]

Plays more like a recorded lecture series than reading from a book, but lots of good insight and perspectives. At times, Dr. Schnarch has a way of sounding word salad-y, but there's a lot of meat on the bone.

I appreciated his thoughts on relationship with self as a primary goal over dependent fulfillment in partnerships.

Also bonus: it's a short book!

[Ashley Case · Rating 4 out of 5]

Odd book. This is really more like a series of podcasts that they called an audiobook. Worth a listen, but totally unscripted. I wish I could have listened to this about 2 years into my marriage just to know what was coming and where I was at the time.

[Windy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Half of what he has to say I found interesting and resonated with me. The other half, I’m not sure I agree with. Overall, I learned something and that was the point of reading.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book came highly recommended to me by a therapist friend. I think because she knows I often lose myself in relationships that this was a way to help remind me to be better about taking care of myself and putting my needs first, so I can in turn better manage a family. With that said, this book felt more like a self help book on how to improve one's marriage by improving oneself. I listened to this and the audio format felt like a series of podcasts rather than a book. I think that echoes the sentiments of another friend who read this recently too (Ashley). Overall, there were some really great nuggets of information to think about.

[Farrah · Rating 3 out of 5]

A friend recommended. It’s only like 2 hours 40 m long as an audio book and as such it feels like a topline view of a bigger book? Some parts were interesting - differentiation and control as they relate to sex - but I definitely wouldn’t call it life changing. Contrary to how the title sounds, this is much more about relationships as they relate to our sex lives and less about sex per se.

[Adrian · Rating 4 out of 5]

The passionate marriage approach by Dr. David Schnarch is one that he believes will help the majority of marriages get out of emotional and sexual ruts in the relationship. Dr. Schnarch speaks with candor to the listener regarding the areas that may be holding them back from leaning into their passion and that doing more or communication more isn't necessarily the answer to marital problems. In particular, I enjoyed the conversations about "not telling each other your sexual fantasies as they will likely not involve each other" and understadning the mental vs. physical sensations during sexual intercourse. Dr. Schnarch does not shy away from difficult topics in marriage and believes that if more couples leaned into some of the lessons in this book they would be not just happier but also more fulfilled.

[Ashley Jane Barlow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though this book came highly recommended I had my reservations, primarily, why the balls would I want to take advice about having a more passionate marriage from a man BUT I was happily surprised by how much I liked this book. If you are looking for a Kama Sutra type book (though I have never opened the Kama Sutra so I might be wrong), this isn't it. This book's main focus is how as you become a mature adult you can have a more meaningful marriage and sex life. I really liked this approach and it really resonates with me.

[Karen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wow, I just found this review that I wrote a couple of years ago (1993): "I am trying to get beyond my repulsion and see some the positive points, too. There might be salient points here."

Upon listening a second time, I find myself frustrated by his antiquated and unresearched theory of sexuality. As a marriage and family therapist with a specialty in sex therapy, I think this book really needs to be updated.

[Eric · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is more of an audio course and there is a corresponding book I haven’t read yet but the philosophies here laid out can be applied universally for any type
Of relationship, romantic or otherwise, though especially useful in regards to marriage and sexual intimacy. Learning to live with and grow in discomfort and not rely on others to define who you are is scary and difficult and rewarding.

[Lindsey Doolittle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve never read a marriage book remotely like this one. Recommended by my therapist and I can’t recommend it enough. Revolutionary approach to intimacy, discovering your self-worth, sex and love. Will probably read again.

[Karly · Rating 2 out of 5]

It had me thinking too critically in a negative way at this point in my relationship and life. Some fascinating ideas I hope to explore again in the future. I made it through eyes open orgasm.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Genius. Scary. Leaves you cut open with a decision of what to do with your new knowledge.

[Ashlee · Rating 2 out of 5]

A friend recommended this after reading it for school. It was tortuous. It reads like a textbook, and doesn’t really give any new information, while being uncomfortable

[Laila · Rating 4 out of 5]

OVERALL RATING: 4/5




Was this book entirely a waste of time?
There is value and importance in not taking marriage/romantic relationships for granted and in keeping passion alive, so any food-for-thought is probably at least somewhat helpful.

Would you re-read this book?
Yes, I think it would be most helpful after being married for a number of years - it may even be helpful periodically after being married for a long while (ie. a refresher every few years and as needed can be beneficial).

Did you like the premise?
Yes, maintaining a marriage takes some effort and remembering that maintaining your own self-care (e.g. self-soothing) is very important.

Did you like the way the concepts were presented?
Easy to follow

If part of a series, do you feel the need to start the next book soon?
N/A

Would you recommend this book to readers in general?
Not to readers in general - Only to readers who are looking for information and ideas on the topic.

Who would you recommend this book to?
People in long-term relationships who are looking to increase inter-partner connection.

5/5 I loved this book. It was either incredibly entertaining, useful, or life-altering in some capacity. This rating suggests that the book was captivating and written in a way that quickly read. This is a book which I will re-read and highly recommend to others.
4/5 I liked this book. It was solid and enjoyable. For fiction, I enjoyed it but I wasn't captivated and didn't get too attached. For nonfiction, it was mostly good or helpful, although it didn't change my life drastically. These books are often recommended to others. Also, I would reread this book if necessary or time permits.
3/5 The book was okay. I liked the book enough, but it's unlikely that I will read it. This rating truly is middle of the road.
2/5 This book is not for me. Perhaps the concepts/themes were not something that I cared about. Perhaps it's written in such a way that I had difficulty getting through it (i.e. tedious to finish). Perhaps I didn't like it for another reason. Nevertheless, this rating indicates that I disliked the book and would not read it again.
1/5 I really disliked (see: hated) the book. Period. (i.e. although I'm completely against book burning, in an end-of-the-world situation with a complete absence of fuel and need to maintain a fire for survival, this could be a means).

[Liz · Rating 5 out of 5]

TL;DR: This is an amazing book whether you are looking for sexual fulfillment or just want a better emotional connection with your partner. Will definitely be reading it again.

Recognizing how our own behavior and reactions affect our lives and relationships is challenging. It's much easier to blame our partner for our unhappiness than it is to recognize our own failings. Remembering that we can only control our own actions, and our reactions to others actions toward us is so important in any relationship from a stranger to a partner. This book is a great kick start for that way of thinking.

While reading this book, it was hard to come to terms with some of the negative behavior I saw in myself. However, recognizing the behavior and knowing what needs to change for things to get better is where to start, and that is exactly what this book did for me. Will definitely be reading it again, and recommending it to others, both single and in a relationship.

[Steven · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

This is a quick "read" in audiobook format. There are just a few key points that are emphasized throughout and there aren't any particular exercises or techniques suggested. Each relationship is different, so there is no one-size-fits-all approach to helping. At the core, self-differentiation is the starting point, and it flows from there. The subtitle is somewhat of a tease, in my opinion: the chapters don't really talk about "sexual pleasure" in any great detail, and only talk about how one might be more "emotionally fulfill[ed]" when the commitment portion of a relationship is reinforced with a healthier self-concept and determination to accommodate each others' individuality. Good advice, of course, but not exactly a workbook or manual.

[Bridget · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this book twice in a row. Sometimes I get distracted on my commute and so getting the info more into my mind was important to me. I still think I could listen to this every year and gain something. One thing that really stuck out to me is if things aren't going well for you then you need to change yourself and your views. Though I've heard stuff like this before, this time and in this manner, I listened. My problems are mine. Not others'. I have heard the term differentiation in the past and really appreciated the definition and examples about it. A great book and I'd love to do a marriage seminar with the author.

[Shalyce · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw a quote from this book “Marriage is a people growing machine,” and so was interested in reading more.

I didn’t find any profound secrets per-say. The most relevant message to me was basically that conflict in marriage is normal and fine and to basically be more accepting of your marriage. I like that idea as it seems like the idea of a perfect marriage is often mistakenly out there and puts pressures on couples to make their marriages perfect or to move on to a different relationship.

[Kimberly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm looking into differentiation in marriage and Bowen theory. This author comes highly recommended. He has a longer book by the same name (that I haven't read yet) and this is a shorter summary of some main points on audio. It sounded like it was given as a lecture series perhaps. The title and picture are a little misleading. Yes, there's some about intimacy, but mostly it's about relationships.

[Christie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Despite the exciting title, this audiobook was mostly about regulating your own life and how that pertains to improving your marriage. This was also the cliff notes/podcast version of the longer book which I didn't realize so it kind of left a lot of content out I think which is why I wouldn't give it a great review. A few interesting thoughts, but it's very philosophical which doesn't always align well with my left brain.

[Lydia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had no idea this book was so short, but I’m grateful I finally read it. At its core, it’s about a very simple foundational idea that changes everything — and it reminds me of what I already know: at the end of the day, parenting advice, relationship advice, marriage advice… it has nothing to do with other people. It all comes down to building our own personal maturity and integrity. And that's the hardest thing to do.

[Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great intro to Schnarch's concepts without the hurdle of a full length book. He covers all of the broad concepts including differentiation, the 4 points of balance, holding on to yourself along with some practical scenarios. It's not as in depth as Passionate Marriage or Intimacy & Desire and doesn't have the detailed counseling examples but still provides enough depth to be worth the read. Highly recommend for anyone trying to grow and work on their marriage.

[Charis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a shortened version of The Passionate Marriage. All the key concepts. So interesting how different theories of psychology tend to contradict each other and yet each hold a profound nugget of truth. Differentiation is one of my favorite concepts and I think after listening to this I will finally get around to actually reading the full book.

[Valerie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting listen that discusses the nitty gritty of long term relationships, how to find yourself within those relationships and reignite the spark. It seems like this was a workshop or something that the author gave. I wasn't aware when I downloaded this that it wasn't the actual book but I still think there were some good takeaways

[Melissa Tyler · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not about sex...lest you be confused about the title. This books teaches you how to own your own Sh**t and differentiate yourself from your spouse so that you can have a healthy relationship. This and Jennifer Finlayson Fife (who uses these theories heavily) have changed my life and marriage.