The Tender Land: A Family Love Story – A Luminous Memoir About Irish Catholic Siblings, Memory, and Surviving Loss

by Kathleen Finneran

A superb portrait of family life, THE TENDER LAND is a love story unlike any other. The Finnerans -- parents and five children, Irish Catholics in St. Louis -- are a seemingly unexceptional family. Theirs is a story seldom told, yet it makes manifest how rich and truly extraordinary the ordinary daily experience we take for granted is. In quietly luminous language, Kathleen Finneran renders the emotional, spiritual, and physical terrain of family life -- its closeness and disconnection, its intimacy and estrangement--and pays tribute to the love between parents and children, brothers and sisters.
Ultimately, it is this love that sustains the Finnerans, for at the heart of THE TENDER LAND lies a catastrophic the suicide at fifteen of the author's younger brother after a public humiliation in junior high school. A gentle, handsome boy, Sean was a straight-A student and gifted athlete, especially treasured by every member of his family. Masterfully, the book interweaves past and present, showing how inseparable they are, and how the long accumulation of love and memory helps the Finnerans survive their terrible loss.
THE TENDER LAND is a testament to the always complicated ways in which we love one another. In the end, the Finnerans are a family much like the reader's like every other family, like no other family.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Family, Biography Memoir, Autobiography, Book Club

304 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

Reviews

[Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though The Tender Land revolves around the saddening suicide of Kathleen Finneran's younger brother, she still imbues this memoir with the utmost love and caring. A lot of memoirists aim to expose or shock or scandalize; Finneran, on the other hand, examines her Irish Catholic family with deep empathy and compassion. She details her large family - her two parents and four siblings - both before and after Sean's death at 15. Through writing this moving saga, she illuminates the resilience and the fragility of our closest bonds, as well as how we can strive to heal in the face of terrible loss.

Recommended to anyone interested in an intimate and tender portrayal of a family. Those who like reading about mental illness, faith, and grieving may also enjoy this book. I will admit that I just took a class with Kathleen Finneran, and the love she displays through her writing comes across quite clear in real life too. I feel so grateful to have learned from one of the most kind, grounded, and thoughtful humans I have ever met. I hope that I and many other writers can follow in her footsteps.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

The telling of this terrible and sweet story is so effortless and seamless; I can't imagine a revision here. Past and present tumble out of Finneran with grace and honesty. Several times during the course of reading it, I felt such sudden gasps and heartbreak, I simply had to put the book down for a moment before continuing. Many scenes will stay with me, I know, and sharply. Oh, and the title is perfect.

[Brian · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an absolutely gorgeous collection of writings. Centered entirely around the past suicide of her teenager brother, the golden child of her Irish-Catholic family, Finneran beautifully blends past triumphs and desolations with her present vacillating attitudes toward life and her immutable struggle to find contentment and acceptance, if not happiness. In Finneran's world, not only is the past inextricably linked with the present, but so is the yearning for life with the ever-present hand of death.

In this relentlessly honest and human account of a bittersweet past and an uncertain future, Finneran has sprinkled dazzling moments where things often assumed to be trivial or banal (a card game, a piece of clothing, a particularly moving scene involving a record and a book) vividly transport her back to a time when things were, well, just different.

Though this book is subtitled as "A Family Love Story", nothing about it takes on any airs of romance or aggrandisement. Just like any family, Mom, Dad, and children are all flawed creatures.

On a personal level, Finneran's level of recollection makes me envious and frankly, a bit scared. Do I have the same depth of meaning associated with my own family upbringing? Do I have the same connection to my past?

The final chapter cements this book as something to behold. Now talking directly to her brother, Finneran takes a stab at explaining things as best she can. Time passes, and the family has moved forward without moving on. Sean lives in each and every one of them, and at least for the author, that's just enough to help pull her along through another day.

Frank gave this book to me sometime before Christmas. I hope he wasn't tracking overdue fines.

[Kristin Boldon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful, aptly titled memoir of a midwestern Catholic family and their love for one another before, during, and after the suicide of one of the children. Most memoirs are about dysfunctional families. This one is about a loving family full of kind people. Readers are given entry to their private lives of grief, love, trouble, and joy. The author isn't the prime focus; the family is, with its interconnected web of support. The structure is fascinating--not linear, but ebbing and flowing with the tides of memory. This quiet, lovely book, so distinct from other titles on the memoir shelves, is worth seeking out.

[Zoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book hit home for me, as I could relate somewhat with what this family was going through.

A memoir centering around the suicide of Kathleen Finneran's brother when he was fifteen, the book explores the family dynamic as well as a contemplative journey into the meaning and beauty of life.

It is beautifully written, moving me to both laughter and tears multiple times. It was (surprise, surprise) emotionally draining as I read it almost in one sitting. I felt as if I was going through the ordeal with this family and felt the tragedy keenly. Yet I also felt nostolgic as I went along the wandering memories Finneran wove into a story arc. Her memories of camping out with her sister, making a production of discovering her grandfather's bag and then inducing the story out of her father, make it more than a tragedy. It's a family love story.

[Stephanie Mundwiller · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think I took so long reading this because I could only take in small sections at a time. I am drained and raw; it was both a story too close to home and one somehow very much removed. In any case, it was wonderful.

[Stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a teenager, the author's brother committed suicide. This book is the story of the family before and after that tragic event. It is told through a series of vignettes, each focusing on different family members or aspects of family relations. Through it all, the author tries to find her own way in life.

The writing can be a little stream of consciousness at times, which I've never really enjoyed reading, but that was the only thing I didn't like about this book. The title says "A Family Love Story" and it really is. The author loves her family, despite the problems, despite the faults and the areas that they don't see eye to eye. This book is the testament to that love.

[Lara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very powerful memoir. Resonated with me as another Catholic girl from North St Louis county, but I highly recommend it for anyone. Beautiful.

[Anne · Rating 1 out of 5]

Depressing and ultimately without a point.

[David Stong · Rating 4 out of 5]

.A good friend recommended this. Halfway through, I discovered I had the title wrong and wasn’t reading the right book. So serendipity wins. I enjoy memoir, and this love story is a memoir about growing up in an Irish Catholic family in Saint Louis. It’s touching, perceptive, and familiar in a way I find all great memoir to be. The family stands before us clearly, with strong bonds and simple values. I loved meeting them, and, as this is the beginning of October, I will think of them at the beginning of October for years to come.

[Harriett Milnes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful, sad memoir about growing up in a family with five kids. You learn early on that the second youngest died at age fifteen, a suicide.

I grew up with two brothers; our next door neighbors had eight children. Families have similarities and differences; the number of children creates differences, but some things stay the same.

Highly recommended.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is undoubtedly the most touching memoir I've ever read. I felt the grief and loss of the author when her younger brother committed suicide. The details of his death are just tragic (he comes downstairs after and tells his mother in an attempt to live). I know how a death can just destroy a family. I have now lost two brothers. One when I was just born that I don't remember and one much later, but I know how the loss, self-inflicted or not (in my case not) can change the whole dynamic of a family. The pain and loss, the hole in the family, never goes away. I still feel it every time we are together.

When reading the book, I wanted to scream at her brother, I wanted so badly to go back in time and reverse his decision, get him to the doctor quicker, keep him alive. And then I wanted to know why, it seemed as if he had every reason to live. I just couldn't understand his decision and I think it is due to the author's great skill in telling the story that I was so drawn into their family life. I felt connected to them all in a very intimate way after reading this book.

[miteypen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the second time I read this book and I loved it just as much as the first time. It's a sensitively drawn portrait of a large Irish Catholic family after the suicide of one of the children. The author, who was 24 when her 15-year-old brother took an overdose of their father's heart medicine, is unflinchingly honest about her reactions and her relations with the other members of the family. This was written just as the market was beginning to be inundated with memoirs and I think got a little lost in the crowd, because I don't remember hearing much about it at the time it was first published and couldn't even find it in my local libraries. I had to buy a copy on Amazon--but it was worth it.

I recommend the book to anyone who has suffered a similar loss in his or her life or who has had to deal with issues like depression. But I would add a caveat: this is NOT a feel-good story. The tone of the book is sad--how could it not be? But ultimately it's the strength of this family and the love they have for each other that makes the book end on a note of healing and hope.

[Donalee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is an homage to the author's family through the eyes of the middle child of 5. The suicide of her 15 year-old younger brother begins the author's introspection, search into memories of childhood and family, and understanding of how grief and love shape us all. This is a beautiful history, written with deep affection and honesty. I don't know if one has to have lost a loved but troubled sibling to "get" this book, but I certainly recognize the questioning, the guilt, the great sense of loss even after time has passed. There's a lost soul coming down the road, somewhere between two worlds...

[Elizabeth Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found THE TENDER LAND a gorgeous and melancholic read. Finneran is deft at dream-like, associative writing that spirals around a central memory. Grief works this way, as does memory. While I occasionally wished Finneran would reach outside her small family story to bigger questions (for instance, what is it about our culture that contributes to teenage suicide? Or what role does faith play in teenage depression? Or in dealing with grief?), I still thoroughly enjoyed this memoir.

[Noah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A masterwork--perhaps the finest memoir I have ever read. Finneran has written a definitive book about family. She has managed to capture something essential about the texture of ordinary life, of being alive and being part of a family. I'm not being hyperbolic when I say it has all the particularity of Tolstoy in distilled form.

[Frank · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perhaps my favorite book of all time. This is the fifth time I've read it, and its beauty and humanity still bring me to tears.

[Anne Earney · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very moving memoir about family, death and life. At times I couldn't put it down.

[Betty · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was just a summer. But the 4 vagabonds, run-a-ways, from the Lincoln Indian Training School in Minnesota travel the Gilead River through to the Mississippi River to Saint Louis. Our story is told through the eyes of 12-year-old Odie O'Banion with a voice of his 80-year-old self as he recounts their harrowing adventures. The journey that connected them, split them apart, changed them forever, and brought them back together.

The cast of characters they encounter shape and form who they are, exposing who they think they want to be, and delivering them to their adult selves. It's 1932 and the drought, the depression, the environment of shantytowns (Hoovervilles), their status as orphans, their caregivers, and their oppressors, their saviors, and the near-do-wells that encompass their orbit influence and change not just their nature, their growth (maturity), but who they are and who they will become.

Lessons on love, friendships, loyalties, and trust are learned through all their teachable moments. Hard times and survival (along with their resilience) greet them every morning. The landscape, the tender earth, along with faith, and belief (spiritual) have prominent positions in the development of this young man as he moves between childhood and early adulthood (the teen years).

When all seems to be lost and stripped to the core, the dreams and aspirations come front and center. The power of HOME, LOVE, FAMILY, BELONGING are the dreams of all 4 of these very different individuals. Who we are, where we come from, where we belong, and where is HOME are the questions that push them forward and keep them together.

A long read, but enjoyable.

[Kathie Kuehl · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book tells the story of the Finneran family, an Irish Catholic family living in a suburb of St. Louis. The parents are still very much in love and have 5 children. The oldest 3 were born in quick succession and then about 9 years later, the last 2 are born. The story is told by Kathleen, the third oldest. The reader is given many insights into the life of the family. There are many struggles, especially financial; however nothing can compare to the aftermath of the suicide of the fourth child, Sean, at age 15. The story goes back and forth between the past and present. This is an intimate look at a loving family and the bonds they share with each other as they face the challenges life gives them. Beautifully written book!I did feel it was a little slow at times but life is like that with times of peace and quiet intertwined with times of tragedy and challenges. 4.5 rating
Beautiful final paragraph:
Sean, time passes, it’s true. Hours, days, and decades. And grief goes by its own measure. Now, before this day of angels ends again, before the sky changes color and the moon follows in its phase from full to new, I want to call out your name and tell you, across the tender land, that we have gone on living. We are all, every one of us, alive.

[Megan Geissler · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author authentically conveys the unraveling that comes with surviving a suicide loss. Her explorations of her family's history with mental illness, her own dark moments, and the dynamics between siblings and parents are all rendered with a frankness and honestly that can be uncomfortable and difficult. Despite the rawness and tragedy, Finneran's love for her family is revealed in her descriptions of their mannerisms, their quirks and habits, their ways of living, and their different connections to and memories of a lost son and a brother. This book is sad but it puts an abbreviated life in context and is as much an imagining of how things could have been as it is an honoring of those who — in their own, imperfect ways — rebuilt their lives around the empty space left by the death of a 15-year-old boy. This really is a love story, of Sean, of the author for her broken self, and of a shattered family that comes to terms with its mistakes. I am glad Kathleen shared her and her family's story.

[Hannah Fortna · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Tender Land is writing as writing ought to be: candid, unrestrained, yet shaped and crafted. Finneran's skill as a writer isn't lost beneath the weight of the story, heavy though it is.

Finneran braids sentences together into a mat of language that allows nothing to slip through it—no doubts, no confusions, no disappointments. The text carries subtle repetitions and self-references, scattered like gifts for attentive readers. Its structure reinforces its story: Finneran overloads the text with so much metaphor and imagery and so many complex sentences that the book piles on itself and grows heavier and heavier until it's hard to bear, like a mental burden, like the strong emotion absent from the book's tone.

The only perplexity remaining at the story's end is why this is Finneran's only book.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absolutely beautiful memoir of a family dealing with life after the youngest son's suicide. It can be extremely difficult to write such a story without being overly sentimental or one dimensional in some ways...but the author ( his older sister by almost a decade) has accomplished this.
She writes of her own struggles and gives dimension to each family member; in particular her parents.
This memoir isn't just about Sean and the mystery of why he took his own life at the age of 15 it's also about faith, and family dynamics, and how a large family moves on without forgetting. It is a wonderful book.

[Michelle Akers-dicken · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kathleen Finneran generously allowed us to intrude on her privacy (and the privacy of her family) during her journey through grief. At times, I felt a little guilty because her writing is so RAW. Mostly I'm thankful to the author for letting many of us know that our own journey's weren't all that bizarre. Maybe we're not as sick as we once thought?

"The only way through GRIEF is THROUGH grief".

I think everyone who has ever experienced the death of a teenager (whether it be son, brother, cousin etc...) needs to read this honest portrayal of familial depression and grief.

[Chrissy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not for me

Okay this is just my opinion and why I kept reading on. I will try to refrain from spoilers. The only two reasons I kept reading on is for A: to find out why Sean did it B: to find out what happened to Kathleen's family members.

I understand why the author did everything in this order....the order that the book is in now. But in my opinion it would of made more since to put this in a better timeline.

Overall now that I'm done with it. I wish I would never of read it and I will move on to the next book pronto.

[Sallie Dunn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Three point five stars rounded up to four. A slow moving memoir that sort of meanders. It’s ultimately the story of family and how they all move past their grief of losing a 15 year old son and brother to suicide. Most readers will recognize pieces of their own families in the relationships that are described. This is a family with some history of depression on both sides. Makes you realize that we are carry our baggage with us and need to find how to live our lives.

[Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

This short intense novel contains such depth of emotions. The writing is superb and although the main aspect of this book is a suicide it doesn’t weigh down the story. The loss is intense , the grief is palpable but the family is resilient. This was a first novel and it obviously was written to help the author make sense of it all and be able to move forward , cant wait to read what she writes next.

[Christine Pinette · Rating 5 out of 5]

The story of this family reminds me of many of my own memories growing up. The complex ties between everyone in the family, the special connections only understood by the ones who experience them . . . Sometimes private and never shared with anyone else. Extraordinary lives lived by ordinary people. Told in a quiet voice by this amazingly skilled writer, this story requires patience in the reader which is richly rewarded. One of my few 5 star books in 2020.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

More like 3.5. Sad, well-written memoir about the author and her family before and after her brother's suicide at age 15. It's an honest but compassionate look at the whole family- how their genetic tendencies toward depression affected all of them and how they maintained their love for each other despite their struggles.

[Pam Hicks · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book. I was drawn into the characters and felt like I knew them all. I grew up in a family of 5 and could relate to many of the experiences. The Finneran family was full of love. It shed some new light on my own sibling dynamics. I feel that I had things in common with two of the family members, resulting in some introspection.