Surviving Domestic Violence: Voices of Women Who Broke Free

by Elaine Weiss, Michael Magill (Foreword)

This is not a reference text about domestic violence. It is not an instructional manual on how to escape from a batterer. Plenty of these exist. It is a travel guide to a country no one visits willingly, the collective tales of past travelers making the landscape less threatening, less alien. I hope the many voices in this book will convince you that these stories belong to all of us. Domestic abuse doesn't just happen "out there" somewhereit happens in our town, in our neighborhood, on our street. It happens to people we see at the supermarket, the movie theater, the ballet, the bowling alley, and the PTA board meeting. It happens to our friends, our coworkers, and our family members. Women who have experienced domestic abuse look just like everyone else. They look just like me. Abused women look just like Judy North, a first-grade teacher from Nebraska who remained with her abusive husband for ten years, until the night she finally stood up to him...and woke up in the emergency room. Abused women look just like Whitney Benson, a Mormon college student from southern Utah. She worries about the scars on her face from her boyfriend's class ring; I worry about the scars on her soul from his carefully crafted campaign of criticism, intimidation, and punishing rape. And abused women look just like Andrea Hartley, a pediatrician in her late forties who considers herself extremely fortunate. Although the man she married when she was thirty proved to be extremely violent, the emotional support of her family, friends, and medical colleagues enabled her to leave him only four months later. They come from all walks of life. Some are well educated; others barely finished high school. Some comefrom wealthy families; others come from poor ones. Some witnessed terrifying family violence as children; others never heard an angry word. Some were raised by warm, supportive families; others by cold, distant families. Some married young; others married late. They worship in churches, in synagogues, or not at all. They come from big cities, small towns, farming communities, and suburbs. What these women have in common is that each was in an intimate relationship with a man who abused her. Some were abused physically. Some were abused sexually. All were abused psychologically...the most devastating type of abuse, leaving the deepest wounds. This is not a book about guns, knives, emergency rooms, or police reports. Many stories focus instead on the subtle campaign of abuse, wearying and corrosive, which trapped their teller in a web of daily threat. Yet despite the humiliation, fear, and isolation, each woman managed to escape from her abuser. Theirs are stories, not of frailty, but of clarity, resourcefulness, and strength.

~

This is the only book on the market today that focuses on the entire spectrum of emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse. Written by University of Utah Clinical Associate Professor Elaine Weiss, a survivor, the book goes right to the heart of the reader and changes their perspective on this topic. She paints a clear picture of women who stay in a marriage because of their fierce loyalty and commitment to the sanctity of marriage. Elaine emphasizes the period of time after women leave their abuser and describes in detail what they go on to do with their lives.

These are stories of twelve women from various walks of life, including professionals. Each a victim of domestic violence. Each escaped from her abuser. Each reclaimed her dignity, reconstructed her life, rediscovered peace. Every woman who has left an abuser every woman who has yet to leave will find encouragement and support in the voices of these women who broke free.

Genres: Nonfiction, Abuse, Self Help, Feminism, Psychology

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

About the author

Elaine Weiss, EdD, is a domestic violence educator who has worked at the University of Utah Department of Family and Preventive Medicine. She has been a public speaker and author on the topic of domestic abuse.
Librarian note: There is more than one author with this name in the Goodreads database.

Reviews

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short stories from women who were victims of domestic violence. Left me with two lasting impressions on helping victims - every women in this book mentioned that if only one person had validated that DV was wrong, they may have gotten out sooner. And, instead of asking "why does she stay?", maybe we should be asking "what does he do to keep her there?"

[Beverly Diehl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Unless you live in a cave far away from all human beings, you know somebody who's in a domestic violence situation right now. Your neighbor, two doors down. Your child's second grade teacher. Your sister-in-law.

Maybe it's even you.

Hiding the bruises, the nervousness, the fear, that something is going to set him (or her) off. Again. Walking on eggshells, trying to pretend everything is normal. Because we all know it's SHAMEFUL to be a victim of abuse, right? If it wasn't shameful, wouldn't we all openly talk about it?

Besides, why don't they leave?

If you care, you'll read this book and find out. It addresses that issue, and more. Often, women (and men) DO leave a home where they are physically or verbally abused. Sometimes, they stay because they are afraid if they leave, they will be killed. Sometimes they ARE killed, either right after they leave, or before they can do so.

This book shares the stories of twelve women (though men can be victims, too) who, "despite the humiliation, fear, and isolation she endured, each ultimately managed to escape from her abuser. These are stories, not of frailty, but of clarity, resourcefulness, and strength."

We can't all work at safe houses and spend our days 24/7 talking about domestic violence (though surely it deserves as much of our attention as the latest reality show). But we can all spend a few hours understanding the dynamics from the victim-turned-survivor's point of view, and that's what this book gives us.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm training to volunteer at a DV shelter. This book is an in-depth look at how difficult it is for victims to leave, why they stay, and the long-term effects. Highly recommended.

[Lindsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unless you're really interested in domestic violence prevention, I really wouldn't read this book. But I am interested in it, and I thought it was awesome.

[Amee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a powerful book.

[Chrissy Shea Adams · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️

The author starts with her personal story of domestic abuse and then uses the interviews of over 40 women that were abused - and were able to escape - in multiple ways. Not all domestic abuse is physical. In fact, this book indicates most is often not the kind of abuse that ends with a black eye. It is often psychological abuse which take a long time for even the victim to see.

The author intended to tell her story as well as that of others. I’m not sure I like her writing style in that her reflections at the end of each chapter tie each persons story to her own. In part, this may be a good writing style to tie it all together. But I didn’t like how it always ended with “me.” From another perspective though, writing this way shows victims are not alone and talking about “me” makes sure she is seen.

Published in 2000. Most of these stories will be outdated for at least some of my students (I’d guess few of the women in my class even know what stockings are). And I wish it showed that men can be victims as well, either from other men or female abusers.

Finally, as a Colorado resident, with family members that were students at Columbine when the school shooting happened I have to ask if this was really relevant to to the overall purpose of this book or chapter (pg. 142)? I’d say not really. I see her point that people (media and law enforcement) seemed to look for a reason why the shooting happened. But no one ever blamed the children or teacher that were killed, the victims. That was the point of the chapter, that victims blame themselves. And that was never an issue, to my knowledge at least, for the Columbine case.

Overall, it’s one of the better books for showing the diversity of stories that exist from the victim’s perspective.

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm giving the book three stars because I really enjoyed the women's stories and thought that Weiss did a nice job conveying what they had gone through. The reason why I didn't give the book a higher score is because of the narrative. In the book, and also just well-known knowledge in the DV field, is that domestic violence happens in all groups of people. The problem is that you would never know that from reading the book. Almost all of the women came from healthy and/or loving backgrounds, void of abuse and dysfunction. While I don't doubt that domestic abuse affects women like that, there are so many other kinds of women who did not have their stories told. I'm not sure if this was an unconscious bias on the part of Weiss, in that she wanted to make sure people knew that domestic abuse happens to healthy well-to-do women and so she over compensated, or if it had to do with the generation of women that the book was written about. Whatever the reason I think that it was a large flaw within the book. I do think the book is worth reading, as I feel these women deserve to have their stories told and appreciated. However, beyond that I had a hard time with the book.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gave me hope.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good for all women to read for compassion and knowledge

[Bonnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stories from survivors of domestic violence. This book opens a door into the lives of those who have survived and escaped domestic violence. It is a necessary read so that we all begin to understand the insidiousness of domestic violence and so that we begin to recognize that anyone can be in a domestic violence situation. Escape is not simple or easy; nor is recognizing that one is in a DV situation.

Your friend, your neighbor, your co-worker, your sister, you -- could all be surviving domestic violence. The shame and isolation keep women silent. We need to open our eyes.

WE should not ask, "Why doesn't she leave?" We need to ask, "Why doesn't he stop?"

[Leonard · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fine book about domestic violence. Here's a particularly important quote:
"What theses women have in common is that each was in an intimate relationship with a man who abused her. Some were abused physically. Some were abused sexually. All were abused psychologically..the most devastating type of abuse, leaving the deepest wounds" (Page 7).

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eye opening.

[Relster · Rating 4 out of 5]

so helpful and affirming to read about other women's paths through this nightmare.

[Gail · Rating 4 out of 5]

Learned a lot--a problem we all should help with--will be more aware, want to look into shelter here in WIndham

[Becky Petersen]

Good, easy read. Get perspectives from people who have been through it.