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Love in the Time of Incarceration: Five Stories of Dating, Sex, and Marriage in America's Prisons
This evocative and gripping investigative look into romantic relationships between incarcerated people and their spouses on the outside “is impossible to put down” ( The Globe and Mail , Toronto).
What is it like to fall in love with someone in prison?
Over the course of five years, Elizabeth Greenwood followed the ups and downs of five couples who met during incarceration. In Love in the Time of Incarceration , she pulls back the curtain on the lives of the husbands and wives supporting some of the 2.3 million people in prisons around the United States. In the vein of Modern Love , this book shines a light on how these relationships reflect the desire and delusion we all experience in our romantic pairings.
Love in the Time of Incarceration infiltrates spaces many of us have only heard whispers of—from conjugal visits to prison weddings to relationships between the incarcerated themselves. “A tour de force of empathetic nonfiction storytelling” (Vanessa Grigoriadis, author of Blurred Lines ), Love in the Time of Incarceration changes the way you look at the American prison system and perhaps relationships in general.
Previously published as Love Lockdown .
What is it like to fall in love with someone in prison?
Over the course of five years, Elizabeth Greenwood followed the ups and downs of five couples who met during incarceration. In Love in the Time of Incarceration , she pulls back the curtain on the lives of the husbands and wives supporting some of the 2.3 million people in prisons around the United States. In the vein of Modern Love , this book shines a light on how these relationships reflect the desire and delusion we all experience in our romantic pairings.
Love in the Time of Incarceration infiltrates spaces many of us have only heard whispers of—from conjugal visits to prison weddings to relationships between the incarcerated themselves. “A tour de force of empathetic nonfiction storytelling” (Vanessa Grigoriadis, author of Blurred Lines ), Love in the Time of Incarceration changes the way you look at the American prison system and perhaps relationships in general.
Previously published as Love Lockdown .
288 pages, Paperback
First published July 13, 2021
30 people are currently reading
3491 people want to read
About the author
Elizabeth Greenwood
5 books68 followersElizabeth Greenwood is the author of EVERYDAY INTUITION: What Psychology, Science, and Psychics Can Teach Us About Finding and Trusting Our Inner Voice, LOVE IN THE TIME OF INCARCERATION: Five Stories of Dating, Sex, and Marriage In America’s Prisons (formerly published as LOVE LOCKDOWN), PLAYING DEAD: A Journey Through the World of Death Fraud. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, GQ, The Atlantic and more. She lives in Brooklyn with her family, and can often be found supine on the couch watching Bravo.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews
July 16, 2021
3.5 stars. If I round it up it will give an idea that I enjoyed the book but it had flaws. I didn't enjoy it. I skimmed one of the stories. I could not identify at all with a single one of the couples. The main story was of Benny and Jo. Benny was in for attempted murder and had been aggressive to all the women in his life. Jo put Jesus first, then her young children and then Benny whom she married despite him being in prison (where he did drugs admitting it only the once he got caught. Of course).
When Benny felt Jo was not paying him enough attention and hadn't sent him a calender of herself posing in underwear and not enough money either, he advertised for more prison penpals to flirt with (and give him money) but she stuck by him. What was there to identify with?
Actually, I not only didn't like them, they kind of metaphorically made me sick. They were two self-deluded people (the author wouldn't agree) who chose to belief what they did so that they could excuse their evil (him) and risky (her) behaviour.
Benny said,
Jo when challenged with Benny's record of violence by the author, says
The most interesting part of the book was the discussion on conjugal visits. Why they began and why they, for the most part, ended. They started in Parchman Farm penitentiary in the early 1900s where black inmates were used as the now-forbidden slave labour. Only blacks were allowed conjugal visits becuse it was thought they had "insatiable sexual appetites". Only they weren't 'conjugal' exactly. Sex workers were trucked in on a flatbed truck on the Lord's Day!
Eventually these morphed into conjugal visits for all men whether or not they used sex workers, girlfriends or wives. Women prisoners had to be married though. Reagan instituted conjugal visits in California in 1968 that lasted until 1974. At the millenium 17 states offered conjugal visits, now only 4 do. Those and scholarship college courses for prisoners were seen as luxuries they were not entitled to. Prison in America is all about punishment, the harder the better, rehabilitation is not considered important. However a report in 2012 in the American Journal of Criminal Justice, found that
The most interesting prison/free marriage but the least written about was Ivie, a dominatrix who together with an accomplice robbed and murdered two of her clients, and was married to an international diplomat. They were in one of the very few prisons in America that allow conjugal visits, so every six weeks, they got it on. Until they didn't and split. Well, she was never getting out, so what was the point?
Then there was Sherry, a transgendered woman, a bank robber in man's prison in love with Damone who says he had done everything except rape and murder. He says they've outlasted every other couple in prison, they've been together 'six or seven months'.
The people I disliked most, weren't guilty of any crime. The man, a Dominican, had been wrongly accused, incarcerated, exonerated and married the woman, also a Dominican immigrant, who stuck by him. He got compensation of $30M and they lived a life of extreme conspicious consumption, but when asked by the family for what the author describes as 'large' sums - help with education, housing etc, they demurred to help their immigrant families. You can't actually run out of $30M if you just stick to buying Maseratis and that life style. The interest alone will fund that. Mean people who had been to the very, very bottom of life weren't willing to give others a hand up.
The story that had the most wft! element was the very well-off and highly thought of journalist, an older black woman - most of the women, the author says who write to and fall in love with prisoners are white and in their 30s - fell for a man decades younger. I do understand younger/older but I wonder how with no frame of reference at all, not upbringing, not style of life, not education, not anything at all, an educated woman can call a young, violent incarcerated offender her soulmate?
The book was well-researched and quite well-written. I liked the author, but not her subjects. But for me there was something missing, I can't put my finger on what, maybe it was because I couldn't identify or sympathise with any of the people. I also couldn't extrapolate an overarching picture of love in Amerian prisons from the stories told. Or maybe I was just the wrong reader for this book.
When Benny felt Jo was not paying him enough attention and hadn't sent him a calender of herself posing in underwear and not enough money either, he advertised for more prison penpals to flirt with (and give him money) but she stuck by him. What was there to identify with?
Actually, I not only didn't like them, they kind of metaphorically made me sick. They were two self-deluded people (the author wouldn't agree) who chose to belief what they did so that they could excuse their evil (him) and risky (her) behaviour.
Benny said,
Most people still judge me on the worst night of my life, on the worst night of my victim's life (he attempted to kill her) and assume I'm the same peson. People don't see the whole timeline. They just see the little data points. I struggle with that a bit.That's like saying, "I was only bad once". Which simply wasn't true, he abused every single woman he was with. We can forgive, we can put to oneside, but that would be foolish where the it is a violent, aggressive man who nearly murdered someone.
Jo when challenged with Benny's record of violence by the author, says
It was (as) how he grew up and (b) that was the culture of the people he was hanging out with. It was just kind of exepected. These women. He was as good as they got. They were just as thug too. And (c) he was coked out of his head most of the time..Three excuses and victim-blaming. And not considering her children around a man whose whole life had been violence against women. Is it any wonder I didn't like Jo or feel any sympathy for her? (The author did, but didn't feel any for Benny).
The most interesting part of the book was the discussion on conjugal visits. Why they began and why they, for the most part, ended. They started in Parchman Farm penitentiary in the early 1900s where black inmates were used as the now-forbidden slave labour. Only blacks were allowed conjugal visits becuse it was thought they had "insatiable sexual appetites". Only they weren't 'conjugal' exactly. Sex workers were trucked in on a flatbed truck on the Lord's Day!
Eventually these morphed into conjugal visits for all men whether or not they used sex workers, girlfriends or wives. Women prisoners had to be married though. Reagan instituted conjugal visits in California in 1968 that lasted until 1974. At the millenium 17 states offered conjugal visits, now only 4 do. Those and scholarship college courses for prisoners were seen as luxuries they were not entitled to. Prison in America is all about punishment, the harder the better, rehabilitation is not considered important. However a report in 2012 in the American Journal of Criminal Justice, found that
States with conjugal visiting programs had lower rates of sexual assaults among inmates than those without. And family connections are the number-one means of enjuring success once the imprisoned person comes home. The Minnesota Dept. of Correcitons found in 2015 that a single visit correlated with ad 25% drop in technical violations and a 13% decrease in new crimes upon release. The vast majority of criminologists agree that private, extended visits* are of great benefit to all. **visits usually included the children, parents and children being housed in cottages for 2-4 daysSo why doesn't the US do it? Because Americans are a vengeful lot, at least the judiciary they elect to sentence criminals, and want punishment to the max.
The most interesting prison/free marriage but the least written about was Ivie, a dominatrix who together with an accomplice robbed and murdered two of her clients, and was married to an international diplomat. They were in one of the very few prisons in America that allow conjugal visits, so every six weeks, they got it on. Until they didn't and split. Well, she was never getting out, so what was the point?
Then there was Sherry, a transgendered woman, a bank robber in man's prison in love with Damone who says he had done everything except rape and murder. He says they've outlasted every other couple in prison, they've been together 'six or seven months'.
The people I disliked most, weren't guilty of any crime. The man, a Dominican, had been wrongly accused, incarcerated, exonerated and married the woman, also a Dominican immigrant, who stuck by him. He got compensation of $30M and they lived a life of extreme conspicious consumption, but when asked by the family for what the author describes as 'large' sums - help with education, housing etc, they demurred to help their immigrant families. You can't actually run out of $30M if you just stick to buying Maseratis and that life style. The interest alone will fund that. Mean people who had been to the very, very bottom of life weren't willing to give others a hand up.
The story that had the most wft! element was the very well-off and highly thought of journalist, an older black woman - most of the women, the author says who write to and fall in love with prisoners are white and in their 30s - fell for a man decades younger. I do understand younger/older but I wonder how with no frame of reference at all, not upbringing, not style of life, not education, not anything at all, an educated woman can call a young, violent incarcerated offender her soulmate?
The book was well-researched and quite well-written. I liked the author, but not her subjects. But for me there was something missing, I can't put my finger on what, maybe it was because I couldn't identify or sympathise with any of the people. I also couldn't extrapolate an overarching picture of love in Amerian prisons from the stories told. Or maybe I was just the wrong reader for this book.
October 1, 2022
3 "subjective, sympathetic, a bit amateurish" star !!!
Thanks to Netgalley, Simon and Schuster Canada and the author/participants. This was released July 2021. I am providing an honest review.
Ms. Greenwood spent a number of years following and interviewing couples where one or both members are incarcerated and explores their relationship ups and downs. This is not deep investigative journalism nor a social science book but rather sometimes compelling narrative non-fiction.
The author comes across as honest, sympathetic but also gullible and biased as she moves from couple to couple and explores not just their relationship but their backstories. I found her own processing of her emotions, concerns and judgements as equally fascinating as the stories of her subject participants. She is not a observer participant as she becomes quite involved in some of their lives and her biases and overinvolvement often blur what might me a more objective story.
She is somewhat aware of this but I do not feel fully.
Weaknesses include the paucity of info provided by her experts and her very poor attempts at psychological and sociological analyses. The other issue I had was that the stories were mostly about subjects that craved the limelight which I feel skews understandings. Despite these flaws I certainly admired her tenacity and pushing forward ideas of reform for both prisoners and their loved ones.
Interesting but with some further work and pushing of the self and material could have been a work of substance rather than some well meaning narrative nonfiction.
The writing is clear, descriptive and ripe for a documentary or docudrama adaptation.
Thanks to Netgalley, Simon and Schuster Canada and the author/participants. This was released July 2021. I am providing an honest review.
Ms. Greenwood spent a number of years following and interviewing couples where one or both members are incarcerated and explores their relationship ups and downs. This is not deep investigative journalism nor a social science book but rather sometimes compelling narrative non-fiction.
The author comes across as honest, sympathetic but also gullible and biased as she moves from couple to couple and explores not just their relationship but their backstories. I found her own processing of her emotions, concerns and judgements as equally fascinating as the stories of her subject participants. She is not a observer participant as she becomes quite involved in some of their lives and her biases and overinvolvement often blur what might me a more objective story.
She is somewhat aware of this but I do not feel fully.
Weaknesses include the paucity of info provided by her experts and her very poor attempts at psychological and sociological analyses. The other issue I had was that the stories were mostly about subjects that craved the limelight which I feel skews understandings. Despite these flaws I certainly admired her tenacity and pushing forward ideas of reform for both prisoners and their loved ones.
Interesting but with some further work and pushing of the self and material could have been a work of substance rather than some well meaning narrative nonfiction.
The writing is clear, descriptive and ripe for a documentary or docudrama adaptation.
December 21, 2020
This sounds like a trashy romance novel. It is not a trashy romance novel. But it is a fascinating look at marriage and dating in prison.
October 14, 2021
Did you acquire a new strange addiction during your time in quarantine???? Thanks to Shelby and her devil ways I fell into the rabbit hole which is the 90 Day Universe and still haven’t managed to crawl out. What’s that saying? Once you go Big Angie you never go back?????
Something like that. With all the time I spend with 90 day fiancés and fiancés the other way and seeing if couples are happily ever after and how they are managing the single life – oh and Darcey and Stacey (!!!!) – despite me saying how much I hated Darcey and Tom and Darcey and Jesse I watch every damn epi of Darcey and Georgi . . . .
God they are TWATS. And I am here for it!
Anyway, the point I am not making is that since I was late to the 90 Day party, I didn’t have time for much else. Now that I have gone on a gif hunt for this book?????? Uhhhhhh yeah Imma need to catch up with the Love After Lockup folks . . . .
But I read the book about the subject matter at hand first – because . . . .
I’ve said it before and I will say it again – the nonfiction that works best for me is the type that is people driven with individual stories rather than a barfing out of facts and figures. Everyone knows the criminal justice system in this country ain’t quite what it should be, but this book isn’t about that. The author acknowledges the topic, but doesn’t harp on it. In fact, she doesn’t really attempt to force her opinion of much of anything on the reader, and simply tells you the stories of these various couples – allowing you to form your own opinion. And her cast of characters is more diverse than most fiction books! Included herein are the stories of five couples Greenwood interviewed over the course of five years. They vary in age, race, gender identity, sexual orientation, crime and prison sentence. They are all very different, despite having the same “origin story.” Jacques and Ivié’s story really had me turning pages, but I think that might have been fallout from my aforementioned addiction. Those greencard marriages! Oh they are titillating!!!!
Something like that. With all the time I spend with 90 day fiancés and fiancés the other way and seeing if couples are happily ever after and how they are managing the single life – oh and Darcey and Stacey (!!!!) – despite me saying how much I hated Darcey and Tom and Darcey and Jesse I watch every damn epi of Darcey and Georgi . . . .
God they are TWATS. And I am here for it!
Anyway, the point I am not making is that since I was late to the 90 Day party, I didn’t have time for much else. Now that I have gone on a gif hunt for this book?????? Uhhhhhh yeah Imma need to catch up with the Love After Lockup folks . . . .
But I read the book about the subject matter at hand first – because . . . .
I’ve said it before and I will say it again – the nonfiction that works best for me is the type that is people driven with individual stories rather than a barfing out of facts and figures. Everyone knows the criminal justice system in this country ain’t quite what it should be, but this book isn’t about that. The author acknowledges the topic, but doesn’t harp on it. In fact, she doesn’t really attempt to force her opinion of much of anything on the reader, and simply tells you the stories of these various couples – allowing you to form your own opinion. And her cast of characters is more diverse than most fiction books! Included herein are the stories of five couples Greenwood interviewed over the course of five years. They vary in age, race, gender identity, sexual orientation, crime and prison sentence. They are all very different, despite having the same “origin story.” Jacques and Ivié’s story really had me turning pages, but I think that might have been fallout from my aforementioned addiction. Those greencard marriages! Oh they are titillating!!!!
July 29, 2021
Love Lockdown: Dating, Sex, and Marriage in America's Prisons is an interesting and well-written piece of nonfiction that explores exactly what the title promises. The author, Elizabeth Greenwood follows several couples over the course of years as they live and love apart. She theorizes why people might seek out inmates for relationships, explores what intimacy looks like when your separated by prison walls, and she details the emotional/financial hardships for the romantic partners who bear the world's judgement for who they love.
Greenwood's rapport with her subjects adds an amazing element of humanity to this book and she offers a front row seat to how America's prison system works (or doesn't work). It's not all fairytales and romance though. There are words of caution, and examples of how inmates may not only be the perpetrators of manipulation during the courtship process, but how they are also vulnerable to victimization by those on the outside. However, hope and connection win out in the end with the gentle reminder to never take for granted the physical presence of the people in our lives and to never ever dismiss our great freedom of choice.
My favorite quote:
"I realize at times the men are incidental. Some part of this is about women’s lives and choosing what they want, becoming strong enough to go against the grain. What they want is these men, yes, but they are learning much about themselves and the vast wells of strength they possess. In rejecting society’s and their family’s expectations to go for what they want, they have fostered self-belief that has translated to going back to school, starting businesses and in Jo’s case, taking on a leadership role in this community of women. This gives their lives purpose. And in some cases, a political awakening. All the women have become more progressive and some have become involved in prison reform. They have found a voice that was always there. Somehow, prison provided a grammar in which to speak it."
Greenwood's rapport with her subjects adds an amazing element of humanity to this book and she offers a front row seat to how America's prison system works (or doesn't work). It's not all fairytales and romance though. There are words of caution, and examples of how inmates may not only be the perpetrators of manipulation during the courtship process, but how they are also vulnerable to victimization by those on the outside. However, hope and connection win out in the end with the gentle reminder to never take for granted the physical presence of the people in our lives and to never ever dismiss our great freedom of choice.
My favorite quote:
"I realize at times the men are incidental. Some part of this is about women’s lives and choosing what they want, becoming strong enough to go against the grain. What they want is these men, yes, but they are learning much about themselves and the vast wells of strength they possess. In rejecting society’s and their family’s expectations to go for what they want, they have fostered self-belief that has translated to going back to school, starting businesses and in Jo’s case, taking on a leadership role in this community of women. This gives their lives purpose. And in some cases, a political awakening. All the women have become more progressive and some have become involved in prison reform. They have found a voice that was always there. Somehow, prison provided a grammar in which to speak it."
July 14, 2021
LOVE LOCKDOWN's title may be a bit confusing for potential readers. This book has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE COVID19 PANDEMIC. Instead, it discusses what it is like to fall in love and to carry on a relationship while one of the members of the couple is incarcerated. Prison is what the "Lockdown" in the title refers to.
I found this book utterly engrossing and thoroughly interesting. Author Elizabeth Greenwood spent half a decade following the lives of several couples who met while one of them was incarcerated.
I appreciated the author's honesty and candor while delving into details most of us have never even thought to consider. One of the most surprising things I learned while reading this book is that there seems to be a wide range of rules for those who are incarcerated. It depends on what state the prison is located and on the political whims of the public and politicians. For example, some states allow conjugal visits while others have completely banned the practice.
If you have ever wondered what it is like to "date" an incarcerated person, or exactly who are the people who engage in these type of relationships, this book is for you. It has everything you never knew you wanted to know.
I have to rate this book as 5 OUT OF 5 STARS ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ and I applaud the author's dedication to her research. Five years is a very long time.
*** Thank you to NetGalley for providing me with a free copy of this book. ***
I found this book utterly engrossing and thoroughly interesting. Author Elizabeth Greenwood spent half a decade following the lives of several couples who met while one of them was incarcerated.
I appreciated the author's honesty and candor while delving into details most of us have never even thought to consider. One of the most surprising things I learned while reading this book is that there seems to be a wide range of rules for those who are incarcerated. It depends on what state the prison is located and on the political whims of the public and politicians. For example, some states allow conjugal visits while others have completely banned the practice.
If you have ever wondered what it is like to "date" an incarcerated person, or exactly who are the people who engage in these type of relationships, this book is for you. It has everything you never knew you wanted to know.
I have to rate this book as 5 OUT OF 5 STARS ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ and I applaud the author's dedication to her research. Five years is a very long time.
*** Thank you to NetGalley for providing me with a free copy of this book. ***
June 29, 2021
Loved this book. It’s a deep look at a world I knew nothing about, at times painful, funny, and sad, but always really well written.
October 2, 2021
extremely well researched and engagingly written. My one lingering question is: what happened to Sherry and Damon? She never circles back to them.
June 22, 2021
Making The Case For A More Systematic Examination Of Its Topic. This book does a *tremendous* job in looking at as many facets of love and relationships involving the United States' millions - literally -of prisoners via multi-year case studies of five particular couples. And therein also lies its chief weakness - while the original research for the case studies themselves was conducted directly by the author, the author states many facts beyond the people she is directly interviewing... and then the text doesn't provide any form of bibliography to back up these (sometimes alarming, shocking, or even dubious) claims. But even with this weakness noted, the text's strengths via its case studies are truly remarkable, and show the pressing need for a more systematic - and documented - examination of this particular topic. This is a book that will shock you. It will pull at your heart strings. It will make you cheer and cry and scream out at the people involved "WTF ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!". And in these regards, it truly is a phenomenal book. Very much recommended.
May 4, 2022
This book was really interesting and also really heart-breaking. There are over 2 million people incarcerated in the US, and so many more with loved ones in the system. The book really brought home to me how dehumanizing it is to deny incarcerated people even basic access to affection (aside from the few facilities who allow conjugal/family visits). Reading about how visitors are not even allowed to wear clothes that reveal the shapes of their bodies and how visitors are subjected to so much scrutiny and essentially punished for visiting someone incarcerated was really difficult to read. I learned a lot about PREA (the Prison Rape Elimination Act) and how it is misused to punish inmates, especially queer ones, rather than prevent rapes.
Reading this only furthers my support for the prison abolition movement. Some of the people in the book did terrible things, some were innocent, and nobody deserves to be treated so badly and deprived of all human interaction. Even data shows that having family visits like those allowed in New York State is beneficial to those incarcerated, prisons as a whole, recidivism rates, and society, yet they are not allowed for most prisoners.
I was impressed with the self-awareness of the author, who brought up her own situation and privilege and how her life had been so different from those who are incarcerated and from those who face struggles such as being queer or a person of color. She did a good job of humanizing everyone and bringing up her own biases, especially when she became upset at Benny's crimes against women and her concern for Jo in her interactions with Benny after his release. Her writing was very respectful of all involved and balanced, and she didn't try to pretend she was a neutral observer or uninvolved in the lives of the people interviewed.
I hope all who read this come out with a better understanding of the cruelties of our carceral system and greater compassion for those with loved ones on the inside.
Reading this only furthers my support for the prison abolition movement. Some of the people in the book did terrible things, some were innocent, and nobody deserves to be treated so badly and deprived of all human interaction. Even data shows that having family visits like those allowed in New York State is beneficial to those incarcerated, prisons as a whole, recidivism rates, and society, yet they are not allowed for most prisoners.
I was impressed with the self-awareness of the author, who brought up her own situation and privilege and how her life had been so different from those who are incarcerated and from those who face struggles such as being queer or a person of color. She did a good job of humanizing everyone and bringing up her own biases, especially when she became upset at Benny's crimes against women and her concern for Jo in her interactions with Benny after his release. Her writing was very respectful of all involved and balanced, and she didn't try to pretend she was a neutral observer or uninvolved in the lives of the people interviewed.
I hope all who read this come out with a better understanding of the cruelties of our carceral system and greater compassion for those with loved ones on the inside.
March 27, 2024
I am not sure why I had low expectations for this book? This week, I got kinda disappointed in a different book I expected to be right up my alley- one that I got after a long waitlist, was also prison related, and written by someone with degrees etc. So I'm ashamed to say, this was picked up as my consolation prize at the time. But I am clearly terrible at predicting how I will like a book at all!! I was enthusiastically awaiting for the other book to end after waiting a month for it and meanwhile- this sweet instant gratification book with 0 waitlist I half-heartedly brought into my life - was one of the most fun books I've read this year. The kind you actually ~yearn~ to pickup again.
Not gonna lie. It's very easy, and it is definitely hitting a dopamine supply that is less-than-academic. I am gonna recommend to some non-GR friends who love (see: low key addicted to) reality TV shows like Bachelor/Love is Blind/etc but repeatedly say they "want to start reading books again like when I was a kid". This book may just be the perfect Gateway drug for that crowd as I think they will they will enjoy that it focuses on interpersonal relationships drama- with a real look into the personalities and feelings of people in such a unique- and quite frankly- juicy situation.
It is kinda like a podcast in that you get a lot of conversations between the author and the subject, with her unafraid to ask the questions that people who would never start a prison pen pal romance wanna know! We do have preconceived notions after all- and I vastly preferred how the author would confess to these herself. It felt a bit like going on a Jon Ronson journey - so if that's a kind of nonfiction you despise- this may not be for you.
In fact, I actually loved that the author was basically like "ok so I know this approach is a little bit Amateur Hour- is it OK if I'm liking my interview subjects' Facebook posts? [She] also gave up her bed for me to sleep in once. Is this a normal journalistic relationship? I mean, I did just to to their wedding after only talking to the groom on the phone for like 10 minutes,etc. Am I doing it wrong that I put some $$ on peoples accounts during the holidays or unethical that I helped some of the wives out with groceries if they were struggling?"
The author clearly took the subjects seriously but was also able to poke humor at the situation - and most participants could joke as well if not better, which was a big part of its loveliness. The humor also allowed a dark subject to also be a sneakily, easy-going book that really made me remember the subjects as individuals.
I also respected her a LOT for bringing up her extreme anxiety that one person she had grown close to was about to live in person, full time, with a man who has physically hurt every woman he had EVER been involved with before prison. I mean, the dude was IN prison for trying to run over an ex with a kid in the car....
As a teen, I used to be super into anarchism and was a particularly strong believer of the very black and white tenet that the U.S. needs to eliminate all police and enact 100%"prison abolition' The idea that NO ONE should be in prison EVER is delightfully appealing so long as you can ignore the fact that there *are* some people in prison for violence against women and children. If it were up to me, I would prioritize and lengthen the sentences for people with violent sex crimes as there is more than enough proof that sex offenders such as convicted pedophiles can not actually be rehabilitated They are released early on good behavior after being in a child-free environment, where they are unable to act on the sexual compulsion that drives them to re-offend. They are often getting better at hiding it and are even able to sharpen the same strategies that help them with gaining child victims' trust by working with a prison therapist who has direct influence on your sentence conditions.
The recidivism rates for sex offenders are attrociously high. They are very different than other incarcerated people because their criminal actions solely serve to provide sexual gratification and are not in response to systemic oppression, poor material conditions nor heavy drug addiction, etc. There is truly no reason at all to ever rape someone. The *only* thing keeping them from offending is the fear of imprisonment/being excluded from society. When the threat of imprisonment seems low, we end up with the situation seen in Hollywood. Elite circles containing extremely powerful wealthy individuals with the resources to engag in perverse and dangerous paraphilias with low chance of imprisonment. News headlines simply show the latest human trafficking ring caught in some celebrity's home that is just one among the many that has been known and ongoing for more than a decade. We get pedophiles that teach at Harvard Law writing books and newspaper Op Eds urging the country to lower the age of consent. The non-elite are motivated by the same compulsion and when they get released from prison, they will go RIGHT back to stalking that woman or getting access to children again, etc. These can be otherwise law-abiding citizens and can also have any number of cultural or socioeconomic backgrounds.
[But prison abolition is great so long as we glaze over the women and children who do die or suffer rape when abusers are released - and to many supporters, this is a moot point because we are currently quite terrible at convicting sexual criminals, even in cases with an identity and abundance of a DNA, so why should we fret over the freedom it might provide worry to the small percentage of rapists who DO actually see a prison cell? ]
Other than that, it seems unbelievable that we, as a society, are locking human beings up. There is so much systemic oppression occuring in prison system- it is messed up that they send people away for drug possession charges, that a majority of them are not white despite the higher drug use rates in white people, or that people sit in jail awaiting trial for something they may not have eveb done because they can't even pay a small bail fee and now they may have even lost their job. I could really go on and on about the many ways in which prison is a sleazy profit making venture that perpetuates systemic racism and is more likely to traumatize someone than rehabilitate them.
But at the same time, there are people being separated from society because they have caused bodily harm to others (and it is worrying that some of these people recieve 'fan mail' from women who don't seem to care about other female victims???) Overall it is difficult for a penpal to Guage whether or not their partner in prison has become absolutely incapable of committing the exact violence that started it all.
The couple with the man serving 18 years for a crime he did NOT commit was by far the most heart breaking, and no amount of money can remedy that.
This book did make me consider a few reasons why I may have had 0 luck hearing back from prisoner pen pals in the past, lol.
Not gonna lie. It's very easy, and it is definitely hitting a dopamine supply that is less-than-academic. I am gonna recommend to some non-GR friends who love (see: low key addicted to) reality TV shows like Bachelor/Love is Blind/etc but repeatedly say they "want to start reading books again like when I was a kid". This book may just be the perfect Gateway drug for that crowd as I think they will they will enjoy that it focuses on interpersonal relationships drama- with a real look into the personalities and feelings of people in such a unique- and quite frankly- juicy situation.
It is kinda like a podcast in that you get a lot of conversations between the author and the subject, with her unafraid to ask the questions that people who would never start a prison pen pal romance wanna know! We do have preconceived notions after all- and I vastly preferred how the author would confess to these herself. It felt a bit like going on a Jon Ronson journey - so if that's a kind of nonfiction you despise- this may not be for you.
In fact, I actually loved that the author was basically like "ok so I know this approach is a little bit Amateur Hour- is it OK if I'm liking my interview subjects' Facebook posts? [She] also gave up her bed for me to sleep in once. Is this a normal journalistic relationship? I mean, I did just to to their wedding after only talking to the groom on the phone for like 10 minutes,etc. Am I doing it wrong that I put some $$ on peoples accounts during the holidays or unethical that I helped some of the wives out with groceries if they were struggling?"
The author clearly took the subjects seriously but was also able to poke humor at the situation - and most participants could joke as well if not better, which was a big part of its loveliness. The humor also allowed a dark subject to also be a sneakily, easy-going book that really made me remember the subjects as individuals.
I also respected her a LOT for bringing up her extreme anxiety that one person she had grown close to was about to live in person, full time, with a man who has physically hurt every woman he had EVER been involved with before prison. I mean, the dude was IN prison for trying to run over an ex with a kid in the car....
As a teen, I used to be super into anarchism and was a particularly strong believer of the very black and white tenet that the U.S. needs to eliminate all police and enact 100%"prison abolition' The idea that NO ONE should be in prison EVER is delightfully appealing so long as you can ignore the fact that there *are* some people in prison for violence against women and children. If it were up to me, I would prioritize and lengthen the sentences for people with violent sex crimes as there is more than enough proof that sex offenders such as convicted pedophiles can not actually be rehabilitated They are released early on good behavior after being in a child-free environment, where they are unable to act on the sexual compulsion that drives them to re-offend. They are often getting better at hiding it and are even able to sharpen the same strategies that help them with gaining child victims' trust by working with a prison therapist who has direct influence on your sentence conditions.
The recidivism rates for sex offenders are attrociously high. They are very different than other incarcerated people because their criminal actions solely serve to provide sexual gratification and are not in response to systemic oppression, poor material conditions nor heavy drug addiction, etc. There is truly no reason at all to ever rape someone. The *only* thing keeping them from offending is the fear of imprisonment/being excluded from society. When the threat of imprisonment seems low, we end up with the situation seen in Hollywood. Elite circles containing extremely powerful wealthy individuals with the resources to engag in perverse and dangerous paraphilias with low chance of imprisonment. News headlines simply show the latest human trafficking ring caught in some celebrity's home that is just one among the many that has been known and ongoing for more than a decade. We get pedophiles that teach at Harvard Law writing books and newspaper Op Eds urging the country to lower the age of consent. The non-elite are motivated by the same compulsion and when they get released from prison, they will go RIGHT back to stalking that woman or getting access to children again, etc. These can be otherwise law-abiding citizens and can also have any number of cultural or socioeconomic backgrounds.
[But prison abolition is great so long as we glaze over the women and children who do die or suffer rape when abusers are released - and to many supporters, this is a moot point because we are currently quite terrible at convicting sexual criminals, even in cases with an identity and abundance of a DNA, so why should we fret over the freedom it might provide worry to the small percentage of rapists who DO actually see a prison cell? ]
Other than that, it seems unbelievable that we, as a society, are locking human beings up. There is so much systemic oppression occuring in prison system- it is messed up that they send people away for drug possession charges, that a majority of them are not white despite the higher drug use rates in white people, or that people sit in jail awaiting trial for something they may not have eveb done because they can't even pay a small bail fee and now they may have even lost their job. I could really go on and on about the many ways in which prison is a sleazy profit making venture that perpetuates systemic racism and is more likely to traumatize someone than rehabilitate them.
But at the same time, there are people being separated from society because they have caused bodily harm to others (and it is worrying that some of these people recieve 'fan mail' from women who don't seem to care about other female victims???) Overall it is difficult for a penpal to Guage whether or not their partner in prison has become absolutely incapable of committing the exact violence that started it all.
The couple with the man serving 18 years for a crime he did NOT commit was by far the most heart breaking, and no amount of money can remedy that.
This book did make me consider a few reasons why I may have had 0 luck hearing back from prisoner pen pals in the past, lol.
July 14, 2021
Love Lockdown by Elizabeth Greenwood is compulsively readable narrative nonfiction that focuses on couples in romantic relationships where one partner is incarcerated. Greenwood writes with beautiful curiosity and empathy and really captures the excitement of love and depths of heartbreak in these unique relationships. Though she is a journalist, she is accepted by each person, becoming friend and confidante. This added such a lovely personal tone and really pulled me in.
What I found most fascinating is how romantic relationships are structured. They are built around communication, as it is sometimes all the couple has, but also require great sacrifice by the partner who is not incarcerated. Spouses and families pay great costs from emotional to financial to time spent visiting/communicating with their loved one. As well as difficulties raising children alone or sometimes affording basic necessities. Not to mention the isolation, judgment, and possible ostracism they may face from friends and family for pursuing a relationship with someone who is incarcerated. I loved learning about the built community of spouses ("prison wives") and found it really interesting to see how their relationship status can become associated with their identity and personal strength and resilience. And when their partner is released, how does the relationship change when they're living together and mundanities of life become the norm?
Greenwood peppers in statistics to further illustrate the discrimination and negative long-term effects faced by the millions who have been incarcerated or loved someone who is/has been. Love Lockdown really shines a light on the injustices of the incarcerated from using excessive separation from the families to exploitation of prisoners and their families. I learned so much from this compassionate book about the realities of those incarcerated and the people who love them.
Thank you Gallery Books and NetGalley for providing this ARC.
What I found most fascinating is how romantic relationships are structured. They are built around communication, as it is sometimes all the couple has, but also require great sacrifice by the partner who is not incarcerated. Spouses and families pay great costs from emotional to financial to time spent visiting/communicating with their loved one. As well as difficulties raising children alone or sometimes affording basic necessities. Not to mention the isolation, judgment, and possible ostracism they may face from friends and family for pursuing a relationship with someone who is incarcerated. I loved learning about the built community of spouses ("prison wives") and found it really interesting to see how their relationship status can become associated with their identity and personal strength and resilience. And when their partner is released, how does the relationship change when they're living together and mundanities of life become the norm?
Greenwood peppers in statistics to further illustrate the discrimination and negative long-term effects faced by the millions who have been incarcerated or loved someone who is/has been. Love Lockdown really shines a light on the injustices of the incarcerated from using excessive separation from the families to exploitation of prisoners and their families. I learned so much from this compassionate book about the realities of those incarcerated and the people who love them.
Thank you Gallery Books and NetGalley for providing this ARC.
March 16, 2022
“It’s not just the cruelties of time and space that get Jo down. As much as she knows and trusts Benny, she hears the external chorus of judgment that says ‘this relationship is not real’ and ‘you won’t last’ and ‘oh yeah, easy for you to be in love when you’ve never lived with a person.’
But it would be crazier not to let those voices creep in. Who doesn’t understand toggling back and forth and matters of love, even in the best of circumstances? Anyone who claims absolute certainty is suspect to me. Jo opening up about her doubts reassures me more than when she postures about how confident she is about Benny. Worrying that you’re insane is a mark of sanity.”
Totally fascinating. The author follows a few relationships in prison to get past the ‘reality show’ factor. What appears are people who are laser focused on each other, striving to make the best of their relationship despite all odds. They struggle with their faults just as people on the outside do. And the group of women who are in these relationships have bonded together to support each other and become stronger. Highly recommend to those looking to open up their opinion of prison wives.
But it would be crazier not to let those voices creep in. Who doesn’t understand toggling back and forth and matters of love, even in the best of circumstances? Anyone who claims absolute certainty is suspect to me. Jo opening up about her doubts reassures me more than when she postures about how confident she is about Benny. Worrying that you’re insane is a mark of sanity.”
Totally fascinating. The author follows a few relationships in prison to get past the ‘reality show’ factor. What appears are people who are laser focused on each other, striving to make the best of their relationship despite all odds. They struggle with their faults just as people on the outside do. And the group of women who are in these relationships have bonded together to support each other and become stronger. Highly recommend to those looking to open up their opinion of prison wives.
July 14, 2021
This was super interesting. I think relationships in prison or with prisoners are so intriguing. I think with the rise on TikTok of having a relationship with people who are incarcerated that this book can shed some light on how difficult these relationships can be. Elizabeth Greenwood's commitment to learning about every facet of the justice system, even if that means exploring the relationships that begin or end within the system, is amazing.
February 2, 2025
Honestly fascinating. What makes someone choose a partner in prison? And what are the chances it will work out? Turns out pretty much the same as outside. I was nosy and did some research and two of the couples are indeed still together to this day. Pretty impressive
March 28, 2023
As someone who doesn’t usually read non-fiction, this was a fantastic book for me. These 5 couples and their history are delicately interwoven to tell a beautifully heartbreaking story. In the same breath, the content is extremely informative and eye-opening to the horror that is America’s prisons.
December 18, 2021
This book was really interesting but a little text booky. I enjoyed hearing all the different perspectives but I just felt like it was very repetitive.
June 21, 2021
First thank you to NetGalley, the author and publisher for an e-ARC of this book in exchange for my honest opinion.
I love the way this author writes. Her style keeps you entirely engaged the entire way through. You will get to know and come to learn that all relationships have the same foundation. I found myself looking and analyzing my own relationships over the years. I "put a hole in the washtub" as my son often quotes when I took a chance and married a man I met on the internet 24 years ago and we have been happily married for 22 years. I could easily relate to the sacrifices, the whispering behind the back - all of that as we navigated our way through.
Three cheers for this book and high recommend.
I love the way this author writes. Her style keeps you entirely engaged the entire way through. You will get to know and come to learn that all relationships have the same foundation. I found myself looking and analyzing my own relationships over the years. I "put a hole in the washtub" as my son often quotes when I took a chance and married a man I met on the internet 24 years ago and we have been happily married for 22 years. I could easily relate to the sacrifices, the whispering behind the back - all of that as we navigated our way through.
Three cheers for this book and high recommend.
May 17, 2022
Admittedly, I will be unable to provide an unbiased review of Love Lockdown – I took a class with Liz this semester about ethics and truth in creative nonfiction writing, and it was one of the best classes I’ve ever taken. Liz is an immaculate professor, organized, thoughtful, detailed, and welcoming. I wouldn’t change a thing about how she teaches.
In responding to Lock Lockdown the way Liz might to one of my papers (though of course from a place of substantially less expertise, and with the caveat that I’m in no way claiming I could write a better book), this is what I’d say: This is great! I loved it. I wish she pushed it slightly further.
I admire how Greenwood very intentionally spoke to all kinds of couples who met while at least one of them was incarcerated. She acknowledges how our popular imagination conceives of “prison wives” – lonely, rich white women obsessed with serial killers – and how that experience far from captures the totality. Her writing is empathetic and clear, and her dedication to her subjects is clearly unmatched.
I appreciated her attention to the detail to the daily indignities of being a “prison wife” – the bringing of a second outfit, the feeling of invasion of last-night parole visits, the magnification of the intensity of always keeping a hand hovering near the phone early in a relationship. Her sympathy for these women (and it is, primarily, the women to whom she is sympathetic though she speaks to one “prison husband” as well) is clear and powerfully affecting.
Love Lockdown is thoughtfully written and meditated upon, and its subjects are also introspective people who are telling their stories with a good deal of distance. The rawest moments – for example, when one man admits to having abused every woman he’s ever been with – happen somewhat retrospectively and often not directly in conversation: Greenwood reads a Facebook post, or relistens to earlier tape through a new lens etc. Of course, as Greenwood calls out, everything happens on a time delay in prison. There just isn’t a way to tell a tightly structured five-year-long saga of relationships (and interviews!) conducted primarily from afar. So I can’t critique the feeling of kind of unsatisfying distance I felt while reading because I can’t imagine a more immediate feeling way to tell the story.
If anything, I wish Greenwood had pushed her investigation just slightly further. The book feels ripe for broader social commentary, and while Greenwood gestures towards it in the epilogue her conclusions feel comparatively scant relative to the detail of the individual stories she provides. Having had a chance to learn from her, I’d imagine that she didn’t want to overstep her place or expand the scope of the book too far beyond its initial premises. But I just think more could have been said about the inhumane limitations to which we are subjecting millions of (primarily marginalized) people.
I think Greenwood anticipated the questions her audience might have about mass incarceration, and I entirely buy her claim that it never came up naturally, but still think she could have brought us there a little bit and make policy recommendations beyond allowing conjugal visits (which, admittedly, yes!!!!) Even slightly more speculation would have been welcome – What does it do to the ways that we can relate to each other if one of us is imprisoned? PTSD as a result of imprisonment features in all of these relationships: why are we traumatizing people? What are we getting out of that? How are we making the day-to-day work of people’s lives worse and worse. And when these relationships fail – because a partner cheats, or is violent, or communication is too hard or what have you – why did that happen?
I would also say to Liz what she said to me many, many times: it’s okay, even good, to make a more concrete claim. Some of the book’s most insightful moments were when she engaged in grounded speculation. At one point, for example, she suggests that some of the prison wives may be attracted to the feeling that their partner is ineffably masculine, having to survive in a challenging situation and use his wits and strength to establish dominance. I felt she made that claim respectfully and flexibly enough to accommodate that it will not be uniformly true, yet articulated a thought I had had but not been able to verbalize. She brought her own insight to the table in a profound way.
Greenwood admits that she is primarily fascinated by the unincarcerated partner, but I wish she spent slightly more page-time with the incarcerated one. Their motivations for wanting a partner on the outside are obvious – connection, letters, love, money for commissary, etc. – but I also want to know what makes them lovable. Of course, we often get into relationships which allow us to fill the role that we want to fill (in the case of those with incarcerated partners, perhaps a fondness for distance or for caretaking or what have you), but I want to know more specifically why these relationships didn’t happen.
I wish perhaps most foundationally that Greenwood had engaged more intentionally with an implicit focus of the book: can these relationships work. She acknowledges the role of this question a couple of times, admitting to her own rose-colored glasses at times and how she was searching for a success story, but I felt this story lacked a conclusion. I hope it’s not too much of a spoiler to say that most of the people Greenwood spoke to did not have top-to-bottom successful relationships, despite their optimism in moments. I wanted her to look head-on at what happened and make a claim, even a flexible one, which explains why those relationships failed. Or even more specifically, why did a given relationship fail?
For example: For the man who admitted to abusing every woman he’d ever been in a relationship with, not including his wife on the outside, was their (spoilers!!!) breakup midway through the book because of who they were? (Or, more rightly given Greenwood’s authorial position, because of who he was?) Or was it because his incarceration damned them from the start? If he’d gotten out sooner or had a more generous, humane incarceration would the relationship still have failed? Would it have failed even earlier? Is he wrong or are they wrong for each other or is the system wrong (yes, imo) or all three?
Ultimately, both surprisingly and unsurprisingly, relationships with one incarcerated party are pretty much like relationships unassociated with the criminal justice system. Everyone comes in with trauma, communication styles, love languages, needs to be met, responsibilities, worries, baggage, weaknesses, and strengths. At least part of the answer to my earlier question is that these relationships fail because relationships fail. People learn more about each other, they face a hard transition, they grow apart, one of them decides to stop trying. It’s all normal, people are just people and prison does not make people inhuman nor does it only accept the inhuman among us. We’re all people. Yet, incarceration in its current form is an unnecessary, traumatic, inhumane way to treat people. Greenwood examines these topics carefully and compassionately, and I am grateful to have read her work.
In responding to Lock Lockdown the way Liz might to one of my papers (though of course from a place of substantially less expertise, and with the caveat that I’m in no way claiming I could write a better book), this is what I’d say: This is great! I loved it. I wish she pushed it slightly further.
I admire how Greenwood very intentionally spoke to all kinds of couples who met while at least one of them was incarcerated. She acknowledges how our popular imagination conceives of “prison wives” – lonely, rich white women obsessed with serial killers – and how that experience far from captures the totality. Her writing is empathetic and clear, and her dedication to her subjects is clearly unmatched.
I appreciated her attention to the detail to the daily indignities of being a “prison wife” – the bringing of a second outfit, the feeling of invasion of last-night parole visits, the magnification of the intensity of always keeping a hand hovering near the phone early in a relationship. Her sympathy for these women (and it is, primarily, the women to whom she is sympathetic though she speaks to one “prison husband” as well) is clear and powerfully affecting.
Love Lockdown is thoughtfully written and meditated upon, and its subjects are also introspective people who are telling their stories with a good deal of distance. The rawest moments – for example, when one man admits to having abused every woman he’s ever been with – happen somewhat retrospectively and often not directly in conversation: Greenwood reads a Facebook post, or relistens to earlier tape through a new lens etc. Of course, as Greenwood calls out, everything happens on a time delay in prison. There just isn’t a way to tell a tightly structured five-year-long saga of relationships (and interviews!) conducted primarily from afar. So I can’t critique the feeling of kind of unsatisfying distance I felt while reading because I can’t imagine a more immediate feeling way to tell the story.
If anything, I wish Greenwood had pushed her investigation just slightly further. The book feels ripe for broader social commentary, and while Greenwood gestures towards it in the epilogue her conclusions feel comparatively scant relative to the detail of the individual stories she provides. Having had a chance to learn from her, I’d imagine that she didn’t want to overstep her place or expand the scope of the book too far beyond its initial premises. But I just think more could have been said about the inhumane limitations to which we are subjecting millions of (primarily marginalized) people.
I think Greenwood anticipated the questions her audience might have about mass incarceration, and I entirely buy her claim that it never came up naturally, but still think she could have brought us there a little bit and make policy recommendations beyond allowing conjugal visits (which, admittedly, yes!!!!) Even slightly more speculation would have been welcome – What does it do to the ways that we can relate to each other if one of us is imprisoned? PTSD as a result of imprisonment features in all of these relationships: why are we traumatizing people? What are we getting out of that? How are we making the day-to-day work of people’s lives worse and worse. And when these relationships fail – because a partner cheats, or is violent, or communication is too hard or what have you – why did that happen?
I would also say to Liz what she said to me many, many times: it’s okay, even good, to make a more concrete claim. Some of the book’s most insightful moments were when she engaged in grounded speculation. At one point, for example, she suggests that some of the prison wives may be attracted to the feeling that their partner is ineffably masculine, having to survive in a challenging situation and use his wits and strength to establish dominance. I felt she made that claim respectfully and flexibly enough to accommodate that it will not be uniformly true, yet articulated a thought I had had but not been able to verbalize. She brought her own insight to the table in a profound way.
Greenwood admits that she is primarily fascinated by the unincarcerated partner, but I wish she spent slightly more page-time with the incarcerated one. Their motivations for wanting a partner on the outside are obvious – connection, letters, love, money for commissary, etc. – but I also want to know what makes them lovable. Of course, we often get into relationships which allow us to fill the role that we want to fill (in the case of those with incarcerated partners, perhaps a fondness for distance or for caretaking or what have you), but I want to know more specifically why these relationships didn’t happen.
I wish perhaps most foundationally that Greenwood had engaged more intentionally with an implicit focus of the book: can these relationships work. She acknowledges the role of this question a couple of times, admitting to her own rose-colored glasses at times and how she was searching for a success story, but I felt this story lacked a conclusion. I hope it’s not too much of a spoiler to say that most of the people Greenwood spoke to did not have top-to-bottom successful relationships, despite their optimism in moments. I wanted her to look head-on at what happened and make a claim, even a flexible one, which explains why those relationships failed. Or even more specifically, why did a given relationship fail?
For example: For the man who admitted to abusing every woman he’d ever been in a relationship with, not including his wife on the outside, was their (spoilers!!!) breakup midway through the book because of who they were? (Or, more rightly given Greenwood’s authorial position, because of who he was?) Or was it because his incarceration damned them from the start? If he’d gotten out sooner or had a more generous, humane incarceration would the relationship still have failed? Would it have failed even earlier? Is he wrong or are they wrong for each other or is the system wrong (yes, imo) or all three?
Ultimately, both surprisingly and unsurprisingly, relationships with one incarcerated party are pretty much like relationships unassociated with the criminal justice system. Everyone comes in with trauma, communication styles, love languages, needs to be met, responsibilities, worries, baggage, weaknesses, and strengths. At least part of the answer to my earlier question is that these relationships fail because relationships fail. People learn more about each other, they face a hard transition, they grow apart, one of them decides to stop trying. It’s all normal, people are just people and prison does not make people inhuman nor does it only accept the inhuman among us. We’re all people. Yet, incarceration in its current form is an unnecessary, traumatic, inhumane way to treat people. Greenwood examines these topics carefully and compassionately, and I am grateful to have read her work.
July 3, 2022
I LOVED this book! Elizabeth Greenwood does a phenomenal job of examining relationships in prison between those incarcerated and those on the outside (while also including the story of Damon and Sherry which includes two individuals who are incarcerated). The narratives Greenwood presents are raw and allow the reader to really understand the beliefs, thoughts, and opinions of those in prison relationships while simultaneously explaining the intricacies (and flaws) of the United States prison system. I greatly appreciated Greenwood's acknowledgement of her positionality and privilege. As a journalist and researcher, she does not just present information as fact. She acknowledges how her own opinions and bias shaped her view of the prison system and prison relationships. I think this is especially apparent in her reflection on Benny and Jo's relationship and her concerns about Benny's prior offenses.
Greenwood also does a great job of providing insight on the racial disparities within our prison system, power dynamics that exist, and the importance of having connections to those on the outside (i.e. the importance of having your name called and mail call and the psychological benefits of conjugal visits). This was an engaging and interesting read, and I highly recommend it!
Greenwood also does a great job of providing insight on the racial disparities within our prison system, power dynamics that exist, and the importance of having connections to those on the outside (i.e. the importance of having your name called and mail call and the psychological benefits of conjugal visits). This was an engaging and interesting read, and I highly recommend it!
October 12, 2021
I don't know. I guess because it seems so smarmy, so cheesy, so Geraldo, I didn't think I would like this book. It was recommended to me by a friend who never steers me wrong, though, so I checked it out from the library. Wow! What a fascinating read it turned out to be!
Yes, it's about dating, sex, and marriage in America's prisons but I would also say it's a look at dating, sex, and marriage period. Prison or no prison. Yes, the incarcerated element adds more to the mix but Elizabeth Greenwood has written a book that captures some of the complexity of relationships in general. When she tells the stories of these five prison relationships, she also highlights the elements that can make or break any relationship: communication, trust, history, honesty, sacrifice, mental health, family/community response, responsibility. They are all there, behind the prison bars, much like they are in the free world.
I can't imagine having a relationship with someone who is incarcerated , especially if that incarceration is for decades, but Greenwood compassionately writes about how and why this works for some people. If you want to examine some of your own attitudes and maybe see something from a seldom told perspective, give this book a try. I suspect you will be engaged and you will learn a lot. I did.
Yes, it's about dating, sex, and marriage in America's prisons but I would also say it's a look at dating, sex, and marriage period. Prison or no prison. Yes, the incarcerated element adds more to the mix but Elizabeth Greenwood has written a book that captures some of the complexity of relationships in general. When she tells the stories of these five prison relationships, she also highlights the elements that can make or break any relationship: communication, trust, history, honesty, sacrifice, mental health, family/community response, responsibility. They are all there, behind the prison bars, much like they are in the free world.
I can't imagine having a relationship with someone who is incarcerated , especially if that incarceration is for decades, but Greenwood compassionately writes about how and why this works for some people. If you want to examine some of your own attitudes and maybe see something from a seldom told perspective, give this book a try. I suspect you will be engaged and you will learn a lot. I did.
December 30, 2021
Browsing at the library on my lunch hour this week, I picked up two books that sounded interesting, by author's I'd read before, and not really enjoyed their work. I was browsing more for subject matter than author. I thought that was a strange coincidence.
I actually enjoyed this book much more than Greenwood's first book. I did wish he had been able to garner a "corrections" side of the story. As a part of my job, I've listened in on the phone calls of individuals in custody, and heard just how manipulative they are. I've also heard their boredom and their lies. It's eye opening. It's a chorus of "you're going to send that money, right?" "You're going to put more money on the phone, right?" One moment that sticks with me is a mother telling her son that his brother was going to get his paycheck soon, and she'd make him turn it over in order to put more money on the incarcerated person's books.
Prison romances, specifically MWI relationships as she details them, are charged, like long-distance romances. The separation keeps emotions heightened. Like a soap opera there is always drama, and the constraints of time and distance add to that. Real life, with dinner, dishes, trash, and laundry can never compare with the Romeo and Juliet theatrics of a MWI relationship in my mind.
A quick read. I enjoyed it.
I actually enjoyed this book much more than Greenwood's first book. I did wish he had been able to garner a "corrections" side of the story. As a part of my job, I've listened in on the phone calls of individuals in custody, and heard just how manipulative they are. I've also heard their boredom and their lies. It's eye opening. It's a chorus of "you're going to send that money, right?" "You're going to put more money on the phone, right?" One moment that sticks with me is a mother telling her son that his brother was going to get his paycheck soon, and she'd make him turn it over in order to put more money on the incarcerated person's books.
Prison romances, specifically MWI relationships as she details them, are charged, like long-distance romances. The separation keeps emotions heightened. Like a soap opera there is always drama, and the constraints of time and distance add to that. Real life, with dinner, dishes, trash, and laundry can never compare with the Romeo and Juliet theatrics of a MWI relationship in my mind.
A quick read. I enjoyed it.
Read
August 20, 2022Would you allow your daughter to get into a relationship like this?
“HELL NO!!”
When multiple prison wives were asked the above question, they all replied in the same way. This is only one example of the contradictions that I found infuriating among the prison wife community that was interviewed for this book.
I’m not sure how many stars I’d give this one so for now it gets none, and quite possibly may remain simply “read”.
It was well written and researched, and I do want the authors other book but, I can’t quite put my feelings into a star review.
I find it simply sickening that someone who is in federal prison (especially those who are there for murder) can get married there. Seriously. WTF?
I also do not understand the appeal of marrying a man in prison, especially one who may never get out.
The belief that a man who murdered or abused a woman is “the man of your dreams” makes me cringe.
I know there are innocent people in prison. I also know SOME people change. But statistically violent offenders do not. If/when they get out they go right back to what landed them there or escalate and they are master manipulators.
“HELL NO!!”
When multiple prison wives were asked the above question, they all replied in the same way. This is only one example of the contradictions that I found infuriating among the prison wife community that was interviewed for this book.
I’m not sure how many stars I’d give this one so for now it gets none, and quite possibly may remain simply “read”.
It was well written and researched, and I do want the authors other book but, I can’t quite put my feelings into a star review.
I find it simply sickening that someone who is in federal prison (especially those who are there for murder) can get married there. Seriously. WTF?
I also do not understand the appeal of marrying a man in prison, especially one who may never get out.
The belief that a man who murdered or abused a woman is “the man of your dreams” makes me cringe.
I know there are innocent people in prison. I also know SOME people change. But statistically violent offenders do not. If/when they get out they go right back to what landed them there or escalate and they are master manipulators.
April 26, 2023
This is a sociological type book about a niche group of people who find love and marry a person who is behind bars. Most of the couples profiled in this book found each other through prison pen pal organizations, but not all. The majority of the book focuses on Jo and Benny, a woman married to a man doing 11 years in for assaulting a former girlfriend. The author attends their wedding in the prison visitation room and serves as a witness / bridesmaid but also asks the hard questions like "your husband assaulted a woman, how do you know he won't try to kill you too?" Some of the other couples in this book include a man who was wrongfully incarcerated married to his doting wife, a prison inmate duo comprised of a trans- man and his lover, a man on the outside who married a female prisoner, and a man who served 25 years and married to his wife for most of that time. The author spent a good deal of time living with each couple and getting to know them and learning their secrets to a good marriage, and the unique hardships imposed on them by becoming romantically involved with a prisoner. I thought this book was very fascinating and I am giving it four stars.
August 22, 2021
This was a detailed look at multiple relationships where at least one of the people in the relationship was incarcerated. One of the things I enjoyed most about Greenwood's book was the fact that the couples she chose to follow reflected the complexity of all relationships. It demonstrated that the "prison wife" does not fit one stereotype. Just like relationships on the outside, relationships with incarcerated individuals are complex and reflect the people involved, making each unique. It was highly interesting to also learn about the differences in inmate experiences based on which state their incarceration took place in. As someone who doesn't have a loved one in prison, it was very interesting to learn about these differences and to learn more about what loved ones need to navigate to keep in contact with their incarcerated loved one.
July 28, 2021
This was my first Goodreads Giveaway win, so the biggest “Thank You” to Goodreads, Elizabeth Greenwood, and Simon & Schuster for sending me a copy of the book.
Nonfiction should be just like this book: interesting and informative. Assumptions about relationships involving an inmate change when names, personalities, and emotions are so closely connected to the couples in this book. Not only did Greenwood do an excellent job making the subjects of the book relatable and likable, she also sprinkles the books with facts about the prison system and the difficulties faced by those serving time and the people who choose to create or continue a relationship with them. The book is well researched and well written. Highly recommend!
Nonfiction should be just like this book: interesting and informative. Assumptions about relationships involving an inmate change when names, personalities, and emotions are so closely connected to the couples in this book. Not only did Greenwood do an excellent job making the subjects of the book relatable and likable, she also sprinkles the books with facts about the prison system and the difficulties faced by those serving time and the people who choose to create or continue a relationship with them. The book is well researched and well written. Highly recommend!
July 26, 2021
Overall, this book is a good read and I would recommend it to others. The stories are a wonderful look into a type of relationship I had never really thought of and knew absolutely nothing about. Each couple's experience is presented very well and you can feel like you are there for the interview with how well this is written. The only downside for me was some of the writer's opinions that were sprinkled throughout. I can appreciate the idea that her writing those out allows for others to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings but there were times where I felt like those thoughts took away from the stories instead of highlighting them.
March 15, 2022
I found this book riveting for various reasons. The couple with the most coverage is Benny and Journey (“Jo”). Jo seems to constantly ignore the United Nations of flags that this guy is showing her and watching this train wreck unfold kept me on the edge of my seat. I personally felt like she was delusional so I could never fully invest in this journey.
The best chapter was the story of Crystal and Fernando. If you happen to be in a bookstore and just want to read a sample chapter, go for that one.
I really appreciated author Elizabeth’s candid transparency on how she felt reporting on these couples. This is a minefield topic and I feel she was as fair and balanced as she could be.
The best chapter was the story of Crystal and Fernando. If you happen to be in a bookstore and just want to read a sample chapter, go for that one.
I really appreciated author Elizabeth’s candid transparency on how she felt reporting on these couples. This is a minefield topic and I feel she was as fair and balanced as she could be.
August 3, 2021
I was lucky enough to receive this book through Giveaways and I found it pretty interesting. The book takes an investigative look into prison relationships, the hardships they face, as well as the happy times. Even though the book follows 5-6 couples, it mostly focused on one where the author was able to be there for most of the journey. I just wished there would have been more updates on the other couples as well at the end of the book. It was definitely an eye opening read, and would encourage others to explore more about America’s prison system.
October 14, 2021
Wow! What a great book! I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but the author did a really great job of transitioning from couple to couple. The author had a really unique style that challenged me as a reader. I appreciated the various perspectives and interviewees that the author reached out to, who provided their own unique challenges while loving someone who is in prison (or in prison themselves). I would definitely suggest this book to anyone who may have a bias towards those who are in prison.
*I received this book free from Goodreads Giveaway*
*I received this book free from Goodreads Giveaway*
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