Until I Love Myself: The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist, Vol. 2

Until I Love Myself: The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist #2

by Poppy Pesuyama, Emily Balistrieri (Translator)

Nonbinary manga artist Poppy Pesuyama is excited when forms have the option to choose “neither” for gender and about their new job working as an assistant for mangaka X!

But then he sexually harasses them, treating them first like a girl and then like something less than human.

It only lasts a few months, but in some ways it never ends.

When they finally feel able to confront him about it, they get an apology but not really the closure they were looking for. It turns out his reason for upending Pesuyama’s life was simple. He just could.

Knowing that ugly truth really doesn’t help Pesuyama at all, and so now they begin a new step in their journey as a nonbinary manga artist—therapy!

What will Pesuyama discover about gender, society, and loving yourself in this final volume?

Genres: Manga, Nonfiction, LGBT, Memoir, Graphic Novels, Queer, Comics

184 pages, Paperback

Published September 19, 2023

Reviews

[Rod Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having laid out the sexual harassment and other bullying they experienced in the first volume, this conclusion to the series details the author's road to recovery, from self-examination through their manga and talks with friends to talk therapy and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). Most prominently, they also confront and engage in dialogue with their abuser.

It's an interesting journey bravely shared.

[Mark · Rating 3 out of 5]

[CW: discrimination, sexual assault, PTSD, anxiety attacks, everything from the first volume basically]

I’m not the person to review this manga, honestly, so I will try and keep this brief. As a dopey, cis-het, white male I have lived the farthest away from Pesuyama’s experiences that I can possibly imagine. As an introduction to one non-binary person’s struggles and trauma, it was enlightening and, I think, helped my understanding.

I thought the first volume was a strong, if harrowing, look at Pesuyama coming to terms with their non-binary status and reckoning with very awful X, a mangaka who was, charitably speaking, an absolute monster to them.

Did I need a second volume? Even if this is just a two part series, I have to say, I don’t think I did. It’s not that it’s bad, it’s that this digs so far into the act of dealing with past trauma that it feels uncomfortably like reading somebody’s therapy notes.

And, considering this actually deals with Pesuyama confronting their tormentor and then getting counselling, it almost literally is somebody’s therapy notes. It’s gruelling stuff and I think there are people who need to see somebody come through this type of abuse, but I’m sadly (or thankfully) not one of them.

I respected this volume a lot more than I enjoyed it. You’re never getting my therapy notes, for example, and Pesuyama gets incredibly personal at the end of the story when they decide to head off on a tangent about their discovery of masturbation.

The message of accepting yourself and others? Wanting the world to be better? Good stuff. It’s hard to come down on it hard for being true to what it wants, but I think I got most of what this manga had to say in one volume. There are a lot of what I would term digressions, in as much as an autobiographical work has digressions, that feel a bit like padding.

Still, this isn’t necessarily for me anyway. I hope it is for people who feel like it speaks to them - everybody should have works that resonate with them - but I already had my interest in this story and Pesuyama’s struggles sated with the first instalment.

3 stars - I didn’t engage with this as much as the first volume and it meanders a bit more rather than making a point (even if the journey is the destination). This ended up in the territory of Nagata Kabi’s autobiographical manga for me - I’m glad this exists for the people who want or need it, but I’m regrettably not in either camp.

[Maryam M.Gh · Rating 5 out of 5]

واقعا به مفاهیم عمیق و سختی پرداخته بود. برعکس چیزی که روی جلد نوشته تمرکز کتاب روی نان باینری بودن نویسنده نیست ولی این قضیه به اتفاقاتی که توی کتاب میفته و تجربه و احساسات نویسنده ربط داره.
قبل خوندن به تریگر وارنینگ ها دقت کنین و اگه روحیه ی حساسی دارین نخونینش.

[Alex Richey · Rating 4 out of 5]

The part about Poppy's experience with EMDR for trauma really resonates, and I wasn't expecting it at all, but they definitely needed it after the events of the first volume. They continue to open up about personal experiences that break taboos and boundaries with humility and authenticity.

[Elizabeth Sanders · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pesuyama's second, concluding volume is as good as their first. The art continues to be expressive; among my favorites are those in the section describing Pesuyama's experience with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy. In my review of the first volume, I spoke of how it felt like navigating a healing wound. This volume continues that theme much more explicitly with Pesuyama describing their engagement with their abuser and a childhood friend, also a victim of sexual abuse, and what they learned as a result, and descriptions of therapy. Pesuyama uses a powerful metaphor of suffering abuse as walking shoeless on a gravel road and how, through their manga, they hope to give everyone "shoes" against such pain in the future. It leaves the memoir off on a hopeful note and creates a satisfying ending to the story being told.

[Cami · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this manga series! The main topic (sexual assault) is quite heavy, but I like how Pesuyama tackles it. In this volume, I especially enjoyed their complicated feelings while confronting their former abuser. It was frustrating yet realistic to see how their abuser's apology denied certain forms of responsibility through rhetoric such as blaming his past self and ascribing his actions to a form "childishness" that was "outside of his control."

I also liked the introduction of Gelatin and Pesuyama's exploration of people who seem to be unbothered by abuse. I related to Pesuyama, wondering if that can possibly be the truth. Surely some people are just better at hiding it than others? I appreciate how Pesuyama keeps an open mind about the topic and really examines the variety of human experience.

I was satisfied with how "Until I Love Myself" ends, because the drama builds in such a way that it feels like a proper conclusion (especially in comparison to other autobiographical manga that taper off with much less ceremony). The bonus chapters were fun, as well, and allowed the series to end with a bit of levity, which was much appreciated. I would love to hear updates on Pesuyama's gender journey, especially in regards to HRT. It's so unfair that some places link it to other gender-affirming procedures, so you have to choose everything or nothing, rather than being able to customize your gender expression in a way that seems quite common among nonbinary folks.

[Kris Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Upon going to AWA (Anime Weekend Atlanta) for what is probably my 10th year by now, I learned recently that there aren’t a lot of LGBTQ representation in manga and anime because it’s just not supported including creators. Never mind the fact that they are still grasping with nonbinary and asexual identities. Some creators have difficulties producing their work as well as even getting fired for suggesting it. With this said, it’s incredibly important that as both members of the LGBTQ and our allies buy, consume, and spread the content so we can have more like this and others.

As someone who is nonbinary, this hit home for me at the end of the volume or even just the volume in general. I went to therapy too, and I remember mentioning the creator should too. While I did not do their style of therapy, mines still led me to a gateway that allowed for me to learn how to be me and free. While most if not 97% of my family and I are estranged, I’m finally able to put cause behind it and boundaries for protection. Not just because of my family issues but for my personal self and the outside world. I’m glad I was able to share in this creator’s struggles and experience as it feels very similar to my own situations growing up. I know people I’m associated with will never read this for understanding though I wish they would for it. This is a great way for this series to end. I hope the creator continues to create more content that provides representation for people like ourselves.

[Leo · Rating 4 out of 5]

TW: sexual abuse and harassment, misgendering, transphobia, misogyny, internalized self-loathing, depression, self harm, suicide ideation, reliving traumatic memories, fatphobia, discrimination, talk of sex, s&m, and masterbation

I appreciate that the mangaka reinforced that their lived experiences are not speaking for all trans people and also their very open tackling of their internalized misogyny. This volume explored the path towards healthing, both with confronting their abuser (who is still a twat, screw him) and going to therapy. During this and conversations with their editor and friends, the mangaka slowly detangles their trans-ness from their trauma, that while their abuse didn't help with their dysphoria at all, it was not the cause of it. Their trans-ness is whole in and of itself.

It's not perfect, many moments of important dialouge are delivered in clunky and hard to understand ways. Moments I had to extend the benefit of the doubt with what wisdom I *think* the mangaka was trying to impart.

Overall, I do find value in this in so many ways, even the imperfections.

[Ya Boi Be Reading · Rating 5 out of 5]

After recognizing and viewing their history of trauma Poppy heals in this volume. This volume feels a lot more like I thought the series would be going in with portions of the book focusing on their gender. It still heavily focuses on their trauma and their healing from it as well as the nature of their writing and why they want to write but this volume focuses on more times where they consider or ponder on their gender compared to the first volume.
Many autobiographical stories live and die by the transparency and sensitivity (there's another word I'm looking for but I'm forgetting it now) of its author. Pesuyama does amazing it being honest even in the moments that are darker and sometimes can paint them in a negative light (such as their admittance how they handled Gelatin in a certain instance).
I really enjoy how they are transparent in how they want to be a voice to help create change which they certainly are doing. I'm proud of how they are going about it and the transparency that Pesuyama brings throughout the whole piece makes it clear how this writing is at an intersection of being self-healing, meant to heal others, open a dialogue, and bring light to issues.

[D L]

This is another great and introspective journey through the author's struggles with gender, sexual harassment, and social norms. The first volume primarily detailed the abuse. It was hard hitting and explicit, while this sequel is more about the healing aspect. Pesuyama goes into therapy, feeling isolated, and another friend of theirs who was also harassed but deals with it in a completely different way.

Some will find this painfully relatable, and will probably be disheartened like me to hear the negative feedback the first volume got among certain men. Pesuyama is frequently misgendered again in this one, and deals with a lot of self doubt. It ends on a more positive note. I'll never want to read it again, but I'm still glad I did!

[Sai Fighter · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me a while to read this. And I really love the themes and ideas explored in this essay manga. But there was something about this duology. I struggled to finish it. The author does an amazing job of drawling how an emotion feels. Its probably the best part of the books. There exploration of their trauma is really great. But something about the non-binary part of the story feels incomplete. I'm not asking that everyone's gender discovery story has to be neatly tired up in a bow. But while the trauma of the sexual harassment is all on the table, the gender stuff feels like its at arms length with the reader. I'm sorry to say that this was a little disappointing. I don't see myself re-reading this series, so I'll probably end up selling my copies.

[K · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pesuyama wraps things up in the second volume of Until I Love Myself. After getting used to their writing and art style in the first volume, I was better prepared to appreciate the efforts put into creating the second volume. Pesuyama recounts their memories with an AFAB friend who experienced sexual harassment/assault (some that Pesuyama witnessed themselves), learning not to blame being born in a female body, and going to counseling. The counseling section is the meatiest part of the volume, recounting their experience with EMDR. The bonus chapters were a delight as well. (I received a free ARC of this book from the publisher via NetGalley).

[Kiri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley for allowing me to read a digital copy of this book in exchange for a review. All opinions are my own.

This volume is a really great follow-up from the first volume. It continues with Pesuyama's confrontation of their abuser and their recovery process after everything they went through. I really connect with Pesuyama's experience, as it is told in a straightforward and honest way. They have an interesting view on things and it really helps when I'm reflecting on my own experiences.

I was a little surprised with the last chapter, but there's a disclaimer before reading it that I was thankful for.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Text-heavy, art-light; Poppy begins to work through their trauma, now that it's been named. Poppy tries speaking to their abuser, and doesn't get a satisfying apology. Poppy also thinks about sexual harrassment a school friend of theirs went through and thinks, through her, they can work through a shared trauma of being perceived female... But that friend seems totally fine! 

I'm blown away by the recording of the slow, painful work of therapy and I think Poppy writes so well. I rarely feel like a manga deserves a thorough study, but I think this one has a lot to offer. Only complaint is that there isn't as much art in this.

[Casey Halvorsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks so much NetGalley, VIZ Media, and VIZ Media LLC for access to this arc!

5/5 stars!!

The conclusion to Pesuyama's manga memoir is so good. I'm so, so glad they received therapy, and I'm thankful for the education on EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Therapy and the brain are truly remarkable, and I'm so glad this method worked so well for Pesuyama! The panels from when they're in the midst of this therapy and when they finally stop blaming themselves and the body they were born in was so touching and emotional, I cried. 💖💖💖

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this volume we follow the author as they go to therapy and deal with the harassment that was done to them which we saw in volume one. I think that this volume was a very interesting follow up to the first volume of this series. Pesuyama goes to therapy to help heal what happened to them and the therapist suggests EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy. I really liked getting a look at this kind of therapy. I had never heard of it before and it's an interesting type of therapy. I thought that this volume was a great conclusion to the first and ended on a hopeful note.

[Freddie🏳️‍⚧️🐀 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like the first volume it gets pretty rambly and wordy at times, but I think this is a very powerful volume. Some top tier memoir comic stuff, Pesuyama really holds nothing back at expressing their feelings through this volume. The therapy session was one of the most emotional scenes I've ever read in a memoir comic. Maybe one of the best memoir comics I've read just for how raw it was.
Highly recc for memoir comic readers.
And as a trans cartoonist it makes me want to write more memoir stuff of my experience as well.

[Kayla · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5
Continuing with the mangaka's memoir of their experience dealing with sexual harassment. This volume looks more at their healing process, therapy, and understanding how their abuser saw the situation and how other people in their life dealt with similar situations. Pesuyama also talks about learning to love themselves and their identity as they work through this process.

I love their art and how they depict their struggles and gut reactions in a visual medium.

TW: sexual harassment, abuse, self-harm.

[MelloMakes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This short series is so dense with interesting, difficult and new ideas that I found myself having to stop every few panels and become introspective for a moment. It's so much more than what you might expect to find if you, like me, are an outsider to this experience. The process of finding and loving yourself, there's a lot I could relate to, both in direct experiences and questions I also ponder from a different angle. I'm locked in for whatever the author writes next. Or if they don't!

[Reading_seas0n · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you, VIZ media & netgalley for the arc. All my opinions are my own!

This was a deeply personal and heavy book about a person's struggle and the fallout of dealing with someone SAing them.

It was frustrating and hard to watch there be no real reason and action from this pain, but it was the reality.

[Luke]

Really got a lot out of this, very insightful not just in terms of how we try to view and compartmentalize gender but also how we perceive traumatic memories, very simple but great style to it that allows for some moments of impactful visualization of emotions, also the last bonus chapter is very funny but also an oddly touching note to end on given the context of everything before it

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I took a break between the two volumes because this material is tough to read and a lot to digest but I knew I wanted to read it anyway and I am glad I did. I am glad that they are on a journey to self-healing and I am glad they are documenting this horrible journey. Stories like this need to be told and I am grateful for folks who are brave enough to tell them.

[Simon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yeah... this goes through alot of ideas and experiences alot of transmen have gone through, expecially in like, the chilhood segment. Between the 2 volumes this ones probably the better one with the ideas being worked through and progress the author makes
Its kimda hard to critique a book thats very much based on a persons' life tho

[Dimitra Smaraidou · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an incredible manga. I have no way of describing how heartwarming this manga is while still talking about serious issues surrounding gender norms, gender identity, sexual harassment and how it can effect a person for year on end. I am so happy I decided to pick this random manga up knowing absolutely nothing about it

[llum 🎔 · Rating 5 out of 5]

M'ha agradat tant com el primer volum, aquest és un poc més feliç. Es veu per fi el progrés de li protagonisti enfront de l'assetjament i respecte al seu propi cos i toca temes nous com el sexe, la sexualitat, l'ansietat social i altres, també apareixen nous personatges que donen més profunditat al món de Pesuyama. L'estil de dibuix tan adorable i divertit com sempre.

[BiblioBeruthiel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good duology but I wish it was more clear from the title how much of the content is specifically around sexual harassment and psychological recovery from sexual harassment since that is about 70% of the focus rather than gender.

[Tuni · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is so deeply uncomfortably personal. And yet pretty widely relatable, I think, since it goes more into the emotions and the recovery than the events the caused them. It’s messy. It’s painful. And ultimately very hopeful.

[Sadie DeSelms · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm incredibly grateful that this series was published and translated, I didn't know I needed to read this but I'm really glad I did. Shoutout to my local library for having it as part of a display or I may have never discovered it <3

[Charlie · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book is like reading about myself 🥹

[Loz · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read. I appreciate the author sharing so much about their process.