Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child

by Margaret Paul

Inner bonding is the process of connecting our adult thoughts with our instinctual, gut feelings—the feelings of the "inner child"—so that we can minimize painful conflict within ourselves. Free of inner conflict, we feel peaceful, open to joy, and open to giving and receiving love.

Margaret Paul, coauthor of Healing Your Aloneness, explores how abandonment of the inner child leads to increasingly negative and destructive feelings of low self-worth, codepenclence, addiction, shame, powerlessness, and withdrawal from relationships. Her breakthrough inner bonding process teaches us to heal past wounds through reparenting and clearly demonstrates how we can learn to parent in the present. Real-life examples illustrate the dynamics of the healing process and show the benefits we can expect in every facet of our lives and in all our relationships.

Inner Bonding provides the tools we need to forge and maintain the inner unity that makes our family, sexual, work, and social relationships productive, honest, and joyful.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Personal Development, Relationships, Parenting

226 pages, Paperback

First published June 5, 1992

About the author

DR. MARGARET PAUL is a bestselling author, popular MindBodyGreen writer and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, and the related SelfQuest® self-healing online program - recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You (and subsequent titles Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By God, and ...By My Kids), Healing Your Aloneness and Inner Bonding, and the recently published, Diet For Divine Connection. Margaret holds a PhD in psychology, is a relationship expert, public speaker, consultant and artist. She has successfully worked with thousands and taught classes and seminars for over 50 years. Go to http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome for a free Inner Bonding course and join Dr. Margaret for her "Love Yourself" Course at http://www.innerbonding.com/show-page....

Margaret lives in Colorado. She has three children and three grandchildren. In her spare time, she loves to play with her grandchildren, paint, ride her horse, read, make pottery and kayak.

Reviews

[Steph Pavlic · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has many helpful insights, but the therapy dialogue sections got boring pretty quickly. It felt like each one was essentially the same and just dragged on a bit too long. I'm sure this would be helpful for mental health practitioners but for the mentally ill trauma survivor (such as myself), it lacked a bit.

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my gosh. Not an everyone read but for those who struggled with "wounded inner child" this book helped a lot. I usually prefer books with strong theories and research backups but this is one of the exceptions. The book mostly focuses on example of codependent relationships (due to abandoned inner child), shown in dialogues, with additional labeling of false beliefs and short explanations for each of the problem. But what really amazed me was how close to home the examples were. I didn't even realize I was stuck in a codependent relationship with my parents (and my exes, and my current partner) until I read this book yet I've been reading self-help book and psychology books focusing on inner child for awhile! Turns out, the distinction between healthy relationship and the toxic ones are often subtle, you'd be quite shock to see the examples provided here.

I also love love love how each of the clients fear and false beliefs somehow represented my unspoken feelings (and beliefs)! It was such a relief to be able to pinpoint what went wrong with me and why.

Recommended to everyone who ever, even just for a second in their life, feels that they dont know how they're feeling or why they're feeling such feelings

[Fiona Thurn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have a soft cover copy of this I bought and ready in 1992. It was life changing back then, and remains significant to me all these years later. I bought a Kindle edition recently to look back over it. It's a very powerful read. If you have any family of origin issues, or were raised by someone with a cluster B personality disorder -Narcissist etc. - this book will probably hit the spot. I highly recommend it.

[Gabrielė Bužinskaitė · Rating 3 out of 5]

“When you are disconnected from your feelings, you act in disconnected ways to others, creating further disconnection from them and within yourself.”

I am a big believer that true self-love starts from within. This book is about acknowledging your inner child and creating a bond with it. Inner child is a term coined by Dr. Carl Jung, which reflects “the child we once were in both his or her ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ aspects. Both our unmet needs and suppressed childhood emotions, as well as our childlike innocence, creativity, and joy, are still waiting within of us.”
Despite loving the message author is trying to spread, the repetitive stories became boring after some time. Overall, a great introduction to the concept of inner child.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this book was life changing. The author explains how our inner child represents our emotional side and how, by getting in touch with our inner child, we can get a better handle on our emotions and become everything we need to ourselves instead of seeking it from other people. We can become a loving parent to our inner child and work to heal ourselves, even if our childhood was less than perfect. This book enables us to now longer be a victim and no longer depend on others to make us happy. It is quite empowering.

[Mai El-geresy · Rating 5 out of 5]

super, I simply love it.
teaches you step by step how to lose the victim facade and take control of your happiness and life.

[T.A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really good book with some great ideas and actionable steps one can take to improve themself and their relationships with others. I will certainly be referring to it often and using its methods to work through some things as I strive to become a better human. There were some ideas I didn't fully agree with, mostly pertaining to gender, binary gender roles, gendered relational dynamics, etc. That's probably a product of the time this was written, but I still found myself rolling my eyes a little at certain parts. I'm not sure if there's a more updated version out there, but if there is (now or ever in the future) it would be nice to see some of that stuff adjusted. Overall though I think the principles are generally helpful and applicable, and the book is written in a way that is easily digestible.

[Domas Janulevicius · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 - Pirma knygos dalis ir pasikalbėjimo su savimi, tarsi vaiku, konceptas gana smagus. Likusi knygos dalis (70%), šio metodo taikymo pavyzdžiai - gana nuobodūs ir paprasti. Jei jau yra tekę skaityti psichoterapijos istorijų, tiesiog norėsis praleisti visą antrą dalį.

[Angela Wetzel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Must Read for Everyone

This has been an eye opening and engaging book - each relationship example has helped me to see myself more clearly and get closer to finding my way back to me. Awareness is always the first step and this book is full of epiphanies waiting to happen.

[Dallas Gibson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was super interesting and I learned a lot. However, I didn't enjoy how the entire book was about examples and not necessarily an in depth 'how to'. Nevertheless, it was still worth reading.

[Vico · Rating 5 out of 5]

Much needed read.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the best book I have read on inner child work so far. I was a little bit sceptical because I one of the reviews criticized the amount of dialogues as becoming boring. But I thought they were so helpful to understand the dialogue between the loving adult and the inner child. The author has so many different topics like relationships, friendships, work, money, health, safety and how to apply the inner bonding process. You can also read her book "The Inner Bonding Workbook" if you want to practice applying the teachings of this book.

[Margot Note]

"Our Inner Child, however, is childlike--our vulnerability, intuitiveness, sense of wonder, imagination, innate wisdom, and ability to feel our feelings have not changed or aged with our growing, adult experience. Thus, while many of us had very unhappy childhoods, that doesn't mean our inner nature is essentially unhappy" (13).

"We cannot help our Child relieve pain, get needs met, or find joy unless we are aware of our feelings. To resolve our inner conflict, then, the first step is to recognize what we feel" (27).

"Taking action requires courage and is often very difficult, since it may mean confronting beliefs that you have held all your life" (31).

"We originally established our protections when we were children in an attempt to protect ourselves from pain that was too overwhelming for our little beings, pain that was too much for us to handle" (38).

"It is through the willingness to experience our pain that we can finally discover the experiences of childhood that create our false beliefs about our badness, wrongness, unlovability, or inadequacy--the beliefs that create our feelings of shame. As the Inner Adult learns to handle the path of the Inner Child, the door to memory opens and we can finally remember, grieve, and heal the experiences that created our core false beliefs about ourselves" (39).

"As long as we continue to believe in the self-limiting belief that we are incapable of making ourselves happy, then we are stuck relying on someone or something outside of ourselves, which is what addiction and codependence are all about" (48).

"Nobody else can do for us what we have to do for ourselves. If we're being honest, most of us harbor the hope that someone else will come and do the work of making us feel good or safe or loved. One of the sad but true things about life is that if we didn't get what we wanted and needed from our parents, it is too late as adults to get it from outside of ourselves" (54).

"As long as we continue to treat ourselves in unloving ways we will continue to feel unworthy or unlovable, no matter how much outside love we get" (54).

"Taking action that respects the Inner Child feelings is the only way to prove the feelings are valuable. Taking action is the only way to build your self-esteem" (87).

"Our protections do not shield us from pain; they only cause more of it" (94).

"Without the intent to learn about the heal past trauma and abuse, we will go on abusing ourselves and others without even knowing we are doing it" (202).

[Martha · Rating 5 out of 5]

This books feels like an old, tried, tested, and true book of relationship wisdom. I have been mired in relationship power struggles throughout my life (and have spent my whole life taking courses and going on spiritual workshops/training and focusing on healing), and this book felt like the final key. I knew all about my inner child and codependency, and had learned to take good care of myself and be happy and satisfied with my life. But once in an intimate relationship, my good feelings ended up unravelling like a wool sweater with a loose thread. Inner Bonding felt like a miracle to me. It is a bit of tough slogging to get into, but I was desperate enough to keep going. And then it was revealed - exactly what I have been doing in my intimate relationships was all laid out on a silver platter. Clarity. Finally. I have hope again. I recommend not jumping to the middle (tried that, and it didn't help ;). So grateful to Margaret Paul for her life's work.

[Fifi Rab · Rating 4 out of 5]

very helpful, was recommended by my therapist and gave me really good insight into childhood trauma

[Mark Yashar · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting description, discussion, and examples of the process of "inner bonding", i.e., basically, the adult
getting in touch with the inner child. One of the main ideas seems to be that many who are suffering from
anxiety, depression, codependence, or some other form of pain and suffering in their lives have an 'abandoned inner child'.
In conjunction with this are interesting examples of co-dependence from both the narcissistic and care-taking
side. Ideally, one would want to have the right balance and synchronization between the inner child, the loving adult,
and the higher self/power.

[Alienated Cú Chulainn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some kernels of wisdom and usefulness (including the first sparks of future DBT concepts) mixed with some staggeringly dated takes on codependence and more than a few moments where I scrawled "???" at a particularly bold, out-there promise made by the author. However, worth reading for myself - applied some of the concepts in groups I've run and actually got a good reception to the ideas, although I did have to dial down those "???" moments.

[Preston · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inner Child

One of those truly life changing books. I recommend this to anyone and everyone, as it is a book anyone can benefit from in all relationships in life. Especially the one with yourself which is your foundation.

[Stephanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well I think the message and lessons and very important for overall mental health, I also think this book is very much a product of its time that hasn't aged well in some respects. The satanic panic makes itself known in this book and we all know how legitimate that was (ie not at all)

[Julianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nothing short of inspired. This Inner Bonding program, I feel, is profound. Many of its principles go right along with the real message of the New Testament and the 12 Steps. What could be better?

[Maria del Pilar Gamarra Huanes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love the book. Very good insights about finding, understanding and healing our inner child. Great cases that you can relate on.

[Sofie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic. I made 286 highlights.

[Elizabeth Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Revolutionary.

[Braeden Udy · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful book. There is so much to unpack, and it will take some time. But I look forward to finding some healing through these therapeutic practices.

[Emma Pindra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Game changer.

[Vilma Ferreira · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love it!

I love this book so much! If you need to love and feel better about yourself, this is the book.

[Jared · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life! I think everyone should read it.

[Dorothy Nesbit · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book I wish I had read when I first embarked on a journey of learning and personal growth, a book I can gift now to those parts of me that struggled in childhood and are still working those struggles through.

The book was recommended by Jerry Wise, therapist in the Bowen Theory of Family Systems, and I read it as part of my studies of Bowen Theory. I also find it to be consistent with studies elsewhere (e.g. Sarah Peyton's Your Resonant Self, Iain McGilchrist's The Master and His Emmissary and Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems) and with my own experience as a learner and coach to other learners. When we start to engage with different parts of ourselves we open up a rich path of personal learning and healing which has the potential to considerably boost our effectiveness.

The author begins her book by explaining the approach she calls Inner Bonding Therapy. She lays out the approach clearly in the first five chapters of the book. This section includes an outline of the five-step process referred to in the title of the book which is contrasted with the approach we take when we fail to connect with what Paul calls our "Inner Child". In essence, this section makes the case for Inner Bonding, explains what it is and contrasts it with an unbonded process so that we can see the consequences of mindful dialogue with our different parts and of failing to hold this kind of mindful dialogue.

The second part of the book explores what Paul describes as the process of becoming a loving adult to your inner child. In the seven chapters that comprise Part 2, Paul explores and illustrates what Inner Bonding looks like in various areas of our lives - with marriage partners, lovers, parents, children, at work and so on. A glance at the reviews of this book tells me some readers didn't value this. By contrast, I found this section illuminating and value the examples highly.

Many of the people I work with as a coach are in leadership positions and to these people I want to say that it is common in my experience for clients to improve their leadership skills precisely by understanding the impact in their adult lives and in their work as leaders of childhood experiences which remain unresolved. These are experiences they coped with as best they could in childhood without accompaniment. For this reason, this is a book I will be adding to the list of books I recommend to my clients.

I also want to say this. Paul's writing touches on themes that seem highly prevalent in modern psychology and learning - co-dependency (with the roles of narcissist and caretaker which create an interpersonal system) and boundaries. I value Paul's approach to co-dependency, which does not fall into a trap I find common elsewhere - a kind of good guy/bad guy characterisation of the caretaker and narcissist - but, instead, recognises and addresses the part each person plays in creating a co-dependent relationship. I also value the way Paul exemplifies the intergenerational formation of patterns of behaviour.

Paul has written other books and these get a mention. She gets credit from me, however, for creating a book which is complete in and of itself and for her light-touch mentions of her other books.

[Joe Hay · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read a lot of this type of book. I tend to enjoy them, learn a few lessons, and move on, but few really stick with me.

I think this one stands out. The concepts are relatively simple and powerful. I especially like the core Inner Bonding methodology. If I were to sum it up in one sentence, I'd say it's rooted in the belief that people in our civilization are generally split between a responsible rational side and an arational (not irrational) feeling and intuitive side, and this split needs to be paid attention to before you can make progress in anything else. These concepts aren't unique or new by any means, but the unique formulation in this book is particularly profound, simple, and applicable. The split I mentioned above isn't "a" split - it's "the" split. And I think the advice to prioritize healing this rift is extremely apt and intelligent.

The book also provides a very substantial amount of example stories and dialogues - something I found very helpful and want to see more in books outlining difficult therapeutic concepts like Inner Bonding. I could even do with more of them; I feel like I haven't quite absorbed the process yet.

Finally, I appreciate Paul's practical, concrete tone. She has a lot of beliefs, and even gets into concepts I'm not really on board with (there's one brief, cringey observation she makes that seems connected to the "Satanic Panic" craze that was popular when the book was published), but I find her perspective very grounded and based on concrete observations of interpersonal interactions. Everything seems to be rooted in her experience and careful thought, rather than relying on a high concept. The concepts are born from real work and are in service of real work.

[Theresa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this book repetitive and not helpful for individuals dealing with CPTSD.

The premise is that treating self with kindness means treating others with kindness, and if you’re disconnected from self, others will receive your unkindness.

I feel that’s way too simplistic a notion, and a bit idealistic. Sometimes people are just dicks and it’s not because they’re hurting inside. Yes they may have abandoned their inner child, but there are plenty of people who don’t CARE.

There’s also nothing on discernment, boundaries or trauma. However, these ideas are revolutionary for the time it was published. The current lens of therapy has a trauma-informed perspective.

I stopped reading when she quite literally glossed over verbal abuse from others. “Of course it’s unpleasant when your boss verbally abuses you but you can connect with your inner child and be proud you did what you needed for her.” If you’re subjected to verbal abuse, and you stay in that situation, you’re not serving your inner child well.

This book fails to recognize that some people are connected with self, but struggle to find others as connected, and that’s just as painful. Because people NEED people to heal.