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Sweet Suffering: Woman as Victim
"Why are so many women their own worst enemies? The answer is in this book- a book that could literally save lives. It belongs in the hands of every woman (and her name is legion) who feels she is always being stepped on by others, is always being put down, ignored or abused. Such a woman feeling that she is somehow a born victim suffers, in fact because she is locked into a pattern of inflicting psychic pain on herself. Submiting always to the will and whim of others, she perpetuates her own misery by living in fear that she would some how offend if she tried to stand up for herself. Such torment we now know is self imposed a masochist metes out her own punishment. Pointing no finger of blame, Dr. Natalie shainess, who is this country's foremost authority on masochism explains why no woman in our culture escapes masochism altogether. A searching but easy to take questionnair allows you to discover to what degree you yourslef may have the problem." This excerpt is taken from the dust jacket.
- GenresSelf HelpNonfiction
263 pages, Hardcover
First published April 15, 1984
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Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews
December 18, 2013
Why, hello self! Fancy meeting you here: constant apologizing, accepting the premise of another, not wanting to ask questions, equivocation, capitulation, rushing to explain/disarm, acquiescence and accommodation, letting others off easy, avoidance, evasion, inability to change the direction of an encounter, underscoring mistakes, assuming the worst, rejection of praise and attention, symbiosis and poor maintenance of boundaries…and occasional acts of defiance.
Reading this book was both difficult and cathartic. I felt criticized. I felt comforted...
I'm detracting a star because of her literary criticism. I don't think it's fair to evaluate all female characters in one dimension, contrasting the "weak" with the "strong." Personal growth is a personal matter. There are no perfect people. Literature ought to reflect that. And, anyway, I like shy, sensitive women. (Bitch.)
But then, anyone who quotes Woolf and Rilke can't be all bad.
Reading this book was both difficult and cathartic. I felt criticized. I felt comforted...
I'm detracting a star because of her literary criticism. I don't think it's fair to evaluate all female characters in one dimension, contrasting the "weak" with the "strong." Personal growth is a personal matter. There are no perfect people. Literature ought to reflect that. And, anyway, I like shy, sensitive women. (Bitch.)
But then, anyone who quotes Woolf and Rilke can't be all bad.
November 25, 2025
Great book!! My favorite parts include:
masochism = learned helplessness
If you want to share in the benefits you should share in the difficulties as well.
You attend to your affairs and I will attend to mine
This, is what happens between a masochistic
person and a sadistic one, most especially in a marriage. The masochist may be better equipped in all sorts of ways, but as the sadist exercises his abusive skills, those advantages are nullified. The masochist, as she succumbs over and over again to the power of the other, becomes more and more inept and self destructive. Nowhere are the effects of the historical and cultural forces that predispose women toward masochism more keenly realized than in marriage.
Psychoanalyst Reuben Fine said that a sado-masochistic marriage does not begin as a love affair, but as a hate affair. It generally is of long duration, often lasting a lifetime, and becomes the center of the psychic lives of both partners, with each seeing the other as the enemy. Fine noted that both people involved in a hate affair are extremely dependent. Neither has resolved the symbiotic attachment to mother; neither has firm boundaries. They become part of each other, clinging to the attachment, unable to give it up despite its destructiveness. This suggests that what they fear most is not being attached to another person. Men may function well sexually in such a relationship because the sexual activity is allied to rape in its hostility. A man in a hate
affair may have the fantasy of destroying the woman, and that fantasy will give him potency, Fine said. The relationship involved in sado-masochistic marriage is that of slave-master, Fine observed, the master being the sadist who possesses the power, the slave being the masochist who is subservient to that power and victimized by it. This, of course, relates directly to early experience and, again, conjures up the repetition compulsion.
The sadistic husband in a sadomasochistic marriage attempts-through cruelty, blame-projecting onto the wife, humiliating her, inciting guilt in her and even through raping her to gain the control he did not have as a child subject to powerful, abusive parents and to destroy those early, hurtful figures. The masochistic wife through capitulation, submissiveness, and acceptance of the premises of the husband attempts to appease, to placate, the stern authorities who governed her early life. Both are immature, anxiety-ridden people displaying transference reactions and irrational distortions, deeply dependent on each other.
The masochistic wife and mother often experiences a sense of conflict between her need to appease her husband and her obligation to her children. Whom should she strive to please? If she does not maintain control over the children and meet her sadistic
husband's disciplinary standards, she risks angering him. If she hews to his standards, it may be at the expense of the children. Often her efforts to be good to her children cause her husband to become envious and angry. Infantile himself, he feels in competition with his children rather than fatherly toward them. He resents the attention she pays to them and attacks both them and her.
Even today, women's dependence on men increases their vulnerability. As homemakers, they are largely cut off from social contact and other resources. Imagine what it is like--I'm sure some of you readers know--to live in fear of your husband because he will find fault with everything you have done in the course of the day, especially in relation to the children. The more he criticizes you in front of the children, the less will they respect you and follow your orders, no matter how much you have done for them. It is truly a no-win situation. And very often, of course, the sadistic husband will play the children off against their mother, doing whatever he can to erode their respect for her.
He tends to be cruel, to sense that he has power over his partner, and to be decidedly egocentric, his needs taking precedence over anyone else's. His victim is useful to him, usually providing him with an operating household, perhaps extra income, and a sexual outlet. She thinks that he loves her, but, in fact, he is just exploiting her. The paradoxical nature of his tie to her is that he wants both to possess her and to eliminate her. At the heart of sadism is devotion to the complete defeat of the other person. In pursuit of that end, the sadistic person can become increasingly brutal. Many acts of suicide, in fact, are due to this progressive cruelty, although psychiatry generally tends to blame the suicide. In my years in practice I have seen things that lead me to think it is often the victimizer who drives the wife to suicide by his continuing cruel destructiveness.
One of the most familiar sado-masochistic marriages in literature is, of course, that of Nora and Torvald in Ibsen's A Doll House. Nora is dependent, passive, incompetent Torvald is charming to everyone else but coldly vicious to his wife.
When a woman is denied her sociological identity, she suffers the loss of her personal identity as well.
Urge yourself to express yourself directly, unequivocally, even if you are afraid of the response. Resolve that if you are uncertain
of the worth of what you are about to say, you will at least keep your mouth shut and say nothing. This is extremely difficult for the masochist, but gradually, as you practice replacing an old, destructive pattern with a new, healthy one, the task will grow easier. There is simply no doubt that it is always preferable to keep your silence rather than volunteering something that may be hurtful to you.
Train yourself to be less prompt in responding to others. Just because someone asks you a question does not mean you are obligated to answer instantly. You are entitled to think your response through carefully. Try not to concern yourself with what the other person is thinking. Concentrate instead on what it is you want to say and wait until your statement is clear before you make it. Then speak as succinctly as possible. You will be, in effect, training yourself to exercise a new style.
Allow yourself
to be angry
not to be abused
to change situations
to be free of fear of abuse
to share your feelings
to want better communications
to leave a battering environment
some privacy
to express thoughts and feelings
to keep thoughts and feelings to yourself
to develop your talents and abilities
to be less than perfect
to prosecute an abusive spouse
to respond appropriately to anyone who injures you
Even though it may not come naturally to you, expect respect. Try not to approach others fearfully but with confidence in what you have to say. And do not assume that what you have to say is any less vital or accurate or true than what someone else contributes.
In general, it will serve you well to avoid controversy and keep larger goals in sight. A good way to bypass a clash over something unimportant is simply not to hear it. Ignore the provocative remark, the unjust implication, the inaccurate assessment. Don't get angry. This never settles an issue; it is only inflammatory, Choose to focus on the solution to a problem rather than on the luxury" of venting emotion, for that is a luxury that may cost you dearly.
Generally in our culture, the myth has been maintained that women should not have power of any sizable dimension, nor do they really need it. Since they are viewed as nurturers, it has been considered natural, and fitting, that they use such power as they possess in the service of others, fostering the growth of others, what Dr. Miller terms*using their power to empower others." But women, too, have a right to develop, and they must learn to use
power in ways that are gratifying to themselves. Selfishness, I would say, is putting one's own needs first at all times, a quite different matter from putting oneself first when it is important to do so and the situation calls for it. But when women focus on developing their own interests, they are invariably labeled selfish, and this is something they fear greatly.
At this point in history, the power struggle between women and men is well recognized, and it is a very real one. But perhaps even more crucial is the less overt, but decidedly pernicious, power struggle between women and women. In the past, women used their power to foster the growth of others; they were the powers behind the throne. If they worked for the advancement of their husbands, certain advantages came to them in terms of social position, economic wealth, and so on. Some women today continue to operate as powers behind the throne and do not want to give up what they see as the advantages of their present position in order to function as independent, autonomous people. They fear they may not succeed as well on their own as they do by channeling their energies and ambitions through their husbands. Other women are eager to discard the constrictions and limitations of old role definitions and gender stereotypes and to assume power in their own right. Women are a house divided.
And that fact, more than any other, militates against the eradicaton of masochism in women. For until women can agree on the
strategies necessary for them to achieve autonomy, power and its use will remain a serious and damaging problem. Deprived of outlets for the development of their own power, women will continue to fear power in others, to turn their anger and resentment
back on themselves, and to cope with the world through the development of masochistic defenses.
One of Shakespeare's sonnets begins, "Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments." It is a love poem, but its opening line embodies the guiding principle I wish all women could embrace together, that they strive to adopt an honest, loyal, helpful attitude toward one another and endeavor to see one another's points of view. With this kind of union among women, autonomy and authenticity would be free to develop and grow and the suffering and self destruction of masochism could be left behind.
masochism = learned helplessness
If you want to share in the benefits you should share in the difficulties as well.
You attend to your affairs and I will attend to mine
This, is what happens between a masochistic
person and a sadistic one, most especially in a marriage. The masochist may be better equipped in all sorts of ways, but as the sadist exercises his abusive skills, those advantages are nullified. The masochist, as she succumbs over and over again to the power of the other, becomes more and more inept and self destructive. Nowhere are the effects of the historical and cultural forces that predispose women toward masochism more keenly realized than in marriage.
Psychoanalyst Reuben Fine said that a sado-masochistic marriage does not begin as a love affair, but as a hate affair. It generally is of long duration, often lasting a lifetime, and becomes the center of the psychic lives of both partners, with each seeing the other as the enemy. Fine noted that both people involved in a hate affair are extremely dependent. Neither has resolved the symbiotic attachment to mother; neither has firm boundaries. They become part of each other, clinging to the attachment, unable to give it up despite its destructiveness. This suggests that what they fear most is not being attached to another person. Men may function well sexually in such a relationship because the sexual activity is allied to rape in its hostility. A man in a hate
affair may have the fantasy of destroying the woman, and that fantasy will give him potency, Fine said. The relationship involved in sado-masochistic marriage is that of slave-master, Fine observed, the master being the sadist who possesses the power, the slave being the masochist who is subservient to that power and victimized by it. This, of course, relates directly to early experience and, again, conjures up the repetition compulsion.
The sadistic husband in a sadomasochistic marriage attempts-through cruelty, blame-projecting onto the wife, humiliating her, inciting guilt in her and even through raping her to gain the control he did not have as a child subject to powerful, abusive parents and to destroy those early, hurtful figures. The masochistic wife through capitulation, submissiveness, and acceptance of the premises of the husband attempts to appease, to placate, the stern authorities who governed her early life. Both are immature, anxiety-ridden people displaying transference reactions and irrational distortions, deeply dependent on each other.
The masochistic wife and mother often experiences a sense of conflict between her need to appease her husband and her obligation to her children. Whom should she strive to please? If she does not maintain control over the children and meet her sadistic
husband's disciplinary standards, she risks angering him. If she hews to his standards, it may be at the expense of the children. Often her efforts to be good to her children cause her husband to become envious and angry. Infantile himself, he feels in competition with his children rather than fatherly toward them. He resents the attention she pays to them and attacks both them and her.
Even today, women's dependence on men increases their vulnerability. As homemakers, they are largely cut off from social contact and other resources. Imagine what it is like--I'm sure some of you readers know--to live in fear of your husband because he will find fault with everything you have done in the course of the day, especially in relation to the children. The more he criticizes you in front of the children, the less will they respect you and follow your orders, no matter how much you have done for them. It is truly a no-win situation. And very often, of course, the sadistic husband will play the children off against their mother, doing whatever he can to erode their respect for her.
He tends to be cruel, to sense that he has power over his partner, and to be decidedly egocentric, his needs taking precedence over anyone else's. His victim is useful to him, usually providing him with an operating household, perhaps extra income, and a sexual outlet. She thinks that he loves her, but, in fact, he is just exploiting her. The paradoxical nature of his tie to her is that he wants both to possess her and to eliminate her. At the heart of sadism is devotion to the complete defeat of the other person. In pursuit of that end, the sadistic person can become increasingly brutal. Many acts of suicide, in fact, are due to this progressive cruelty, although psychiatry generally tends to blame the suicide. In my years in practice I have seen things that lead me to think it is often the victimizer who drives the wife to suicide by his continuing cruel destructiveness.
One of the most familiar sado-masochistic marriages in literature is, of course, that of Nora and Torvald in Ibsen's A Doll House. Nora is dependent, passive, incompetent Torvald is charming to everyone else but coldly vicious to his wife.
When a woman is denied her sociological identity, she suffers the loss of her personal identity as well.
Urge yourself to express yourself directly, unequivocally, even if you are afraid of the response. Resolve that if you are uncertain
of the worth of what you are about to say, you will at least keep your mouth shut and say nothing. This is extremely difficult for the masochist, but gradually, as you practice replacing an old, destructive pattern with a new, healthy one, the task will grow easier. There is simply no doubt that it is always preferable to keep your silence rather than volunteering something that may be hurtful to you.
Train yourself to be less prompt in responding to others. Just because someone asks you a question does not mean you are obligated to answer instantly. You are entitled to think your response through carefully. Try not to concern yourself with what the other person is thinking. Concentrate instead on what it is you want to say and wait until your statement is clear before you make it. Then speak as succinctly as possible. You will be, in effect, training yourself to exercise a new style.
Allow yourself
to be angry
not to be abused
to change situations
to be free of fear of abuse
to share your feelings
to want better communications
to leave a battering environment
some privacy
to express thoughts and feelings
to keep thoughts and feelings to yourself
to develop your talents and abilities
to be less than perfect
to prosecute an abusive spouse
to respond appropriately to anyone who injures you
Even though it may not come naturally to you, expect respect. Try not to approach others fearfully but with confidence in what you have to say. And do not assume that what you have to say is any less vital or accurate or true than what someone else contributes.
In general, it will serve you well to avoid controversy and keep larger goals in sight. A good way to bypass a clash over something unimportant is simply not to hear it. Ignore the provocative remark, the unjust implication, the inaccurate assessment. Don't get angry. This never settles an issue; it is only inflammatory, Choose to focus on the solution to a problem rather than on the luxury" of venting emotion, for that is a luxury that may cost you dearly.
Generally in our culture, the myth has been maintained that women should not have power of any sizable dimension, nor do they really need it. Since they are viewed as nurturers, it has been considered natural, and fitting, that they use such power as they possess in the service of others, fostering the growth of others, what Dr. Miller terms*using their power to empower others." But women, too, have a right to develop, and they must learn to use
power in ways that are gratifying to themselves. Selfishness, I would say, is putting one's own needs first at all times, a quite different matter from putting oneself first when it is important to do so and the situation calls for it. But when women focus on developing their own interests, they are invariably labeled selfish, and this is something they fear greatly.
At this point in history, the power struggle between women and men is well recognized, and it is a very real one. But perhaps even more crucial is the less overt, but decidedly pernicious, power struggle between women and women. In the past, women used their power to foster the growth of others; they were the powers behind the throne. If they worked for the advancement of their husbands, certain advantages came to them in terms of social position, economic wealth, and so on. Some women today continue to operate as powers behind the throne and do not want to give up what they see as the advantages of their present position in order to function as independent, autonomous people. They fear they may not succeed as well on their own as they do by channeling their energies and ambitions through their husbands. Other women are eager to discard the constrictions and limitations of old role definitions and gender stereotypes and to assume power in their own right. Women are a house divided.
And that fact, more than any other, militates against the eradicaton of masochism in women. For until women can agree on the
strategies necessary for them to achieve autonomy, power and its use will remain a serious and damaging problem. Deprived of outlets for the development of their own power, women will continue to fear power in others, to turn their anger and resentment
back on themselves, and to cope with the world through the development of masochistic defenses.
One of Shakespeare's sonnets begins, "Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments." It is a love poem, but its opening line embodies the guiding principle I wish all women could embrace together, that they strive to adopt an honest, loyal, helpful attitude toward one another and endeavor to see one another's points of view. With this kind of union among women, autonomy and authenticity would be free to develop and grow and the suffering and self destruction of masochism could be left behind.
April 29, 2013
Excellent book, very insightful author. Have never read a book like this before (or since). I felt Dr. Shainess looked into my mind and wrote down exactly what I was thinking. Helped me understand myself better and get to the root cause of many fears. A must read.
Displaying 1 - 3 of 3 reviews