The Book of Ancient Bastards: 101 of the Worst Miscreants and Misdeeds from Ancient Sumer to the Enlightenment

by Brian Thornton

When it comes to bastards, you can't beat the good old days of the Egyptian pharaohs, the Roman Empire, or Europe during the Dark Ages. The bastards of old abound--and they come in every color, creed, gender, and sexual preference. From the cross-dressing emperor Elagabalus of Rome, who was assassinated by his own grandmother, to the icon-worshipping fanatical Empress Irene of Byzantine, who gouged out her only son's eyes, you'll find the most malevolent malcontents who have truly survived the test of time. The Book of Ancient Bastards : Because when it comes to bad, it really is ancient history!

Genres: History, Nonfiction, Ancient History, Humor

241 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 2011

About the author

Brian Thornton is the author of twelve books and a whole bunch of short stories. He does all of his own stunts, loves the color blue as well as singing in the car with his wife and son, and lives with his family in Seattle, where he recently completed his third term as Northwest Chapter president for the Mystery Writers of America.

Reviews

[Meaghan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. It was really hard for me to finish this. With only two to two and a half pages per person, a lot of times you didn't get a very clear picture of the "bastard"'s life, and in several cases I couldn't understand why these people have been labeled "bastards" because they didn't seem that bad to me.

Furthermore, the book was very limited in scope. There was page after monotonous page of Roman emperors (about 100 pages in all just for them), some European kings and popes, and not a whole lot else. Surely the rest of the world had bastards too? What about China, India, Africa? What about the New World; there were some very nasty European explorers there that definitely would qualify.

There are lots of other encyclopedias of bad people in history that are much better than this one. I would recommend Dorothy Johnson's The Bedside Book of Bastards .

[Rob Richards · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book lists several rulers from ancient history that the author has deemed bastards and gives a page or two to each to describe their douchebaggery. The only douchebag associated with this book is the author, who provides short blurbs that would be entertaining, if Mr. Thornton was even half as funny as he seems to think he is. Not recommended.

[Kyla · Rating 4 out of 5]

I quit unfinished ONLY because it had to go back to the library. History is always more fun and interesting when you minimize the dates and focus on the real people, warts, quirks and all, and that's just what Thornton does. Funny, factual and fascinating, it's a little rough for anybody under, say, 14, but for teens and adults it's an entertaining way to fill in some of the gaps from history class.

[Charissa Wilkinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overview: History has some massive stories from the founding of Athens to the fall of the Roman Empire. Are there any stories of intrigue? Mr. Thornton seems to think so.

Dislikes: My problem with this book was that quite a few of these guys didn't seem like jerks. Loyalty isn't owed to someone if they've spared your life.

Likes: There was quite a bit of information. Seems like Miss Borgia wasn't as evil as we've been told.

Conclusion: This is a good way to get teens into reading about history. Make sure you discuss the people with them.

[Diana]

Boring, boring, boring!

This book should've been titled "The Book of Ancient Roman Bastards" for 99.9% of this book is dedicated to Roman emperors.

The only bastard here is the author.

What a waste of reading time that I won't get back.

[Vinayak Malik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ok

[Andrew · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read, reviewed, and enjoyed a book called "Badass" by Ben Thompson. Overall that was a book with flair, humor, and compelling historical characters that you may or may not have heard of. "The Book of Ancient Bastards" (BoAB) by Brian Thornton was trying to be "Badass" but was ultimately unsuccessful. Still, it isn't a bad read so long as you know what you are getting yourself into.

The basic premise of this project is that Thornton tries to deliver 101 short biographies of "Ancient Bastards" in a way that is readable and amusing. I have to give Thornton credit, the book is very readable and you do not need to have any prior knowledge of the subjects to enjoy the book. At times the humor works and at times it wasn't there for me.

While all 101 subjects are given the same amount of space (2 to 4 pages) I felt that one of the main problems of the book was identifying why each individual was "a bastard." The introduction doesn't give us criteria and the people in the book are so varied that it can be difficult to tell why they were included. I'll give an example.

The very first chapter is of Sargon of Akkad. The reason why he is included? He was sent by his king to the court of a neighboring kingdom, survived an assassination attempt, overthrew the king of that country (who tried to have him killed), then came back and conquered his home country (because his king arranged the attempted assassination). The author then justifies his inclusion by saying, "You don't get these sorts of things done without having a bit of the bastard in you." That's a weak justification. Sargon looks more a hero than a bastard to me.

My honest opinion is that Thornton bit off more than he could chew. Compiling a list of 101 anything can be very difficult, and condensing the lives of historical figures to a couple pages is exceptionally challenging. Some of the people he had to include were just a little too borderline and it hurt the overall presentation.

Overall BoAB is a little better than okay for me, which is why I ranked it three stars. If you are looking for a decent primer on major historical figures (pre-1600)in easy to read language then you will get your money's worth. If you are looking for a mildly amusing journey through some of the odd and awful people in history, you will be pleased. If you want an in-depth study of ancient peoples, a vastly amusing romp through history's bastards, or just a sequel to "Badass", you will be disappointed.

[Micaela · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the sort of book that you just stick on a magazine rack in the bathroom or something to get a laugh out of once in a while. It is also good for small parties with a high history nerd content. The short bios are all quite humorous, with a sharp focus on the bizarre, and of course dastardly. My favorite entries were probably the papal ones: there was a pope who sold his seat to the highest bidder, a fifteen-yr-old pope who was just about as bad a religious leader as you might expect, and a "cadaver since," where Pope Stephen VII dug up his predecessor's corpse and put him on trial. This book exists to draw attention to some of the little-known dirty secrets of history. If you actually want to know much about these characters, you have to find some other book.

My one complaint is that the book is very much Western-focused, including several big names of only minimal (comparatively) bastardry in ancient Western civilizations that probably could have been dropped for some evil folks from other civilizations. Spread the hate around!

[Ubiquitousbastard · Rating 3 out of 5]

I admit that I was disappointed as to who was actually included in this book. I pretty much knew all about most of them, and they seemed to all group together in the same time period/area so that sometimes it just felt like the previous section being rehashed. There was also a really strong emphasis on Greece, Rome and England. I can think of several ancient bastards that should definitely have been included, but weren't because they weren't from one of those times/periods.
Having said that, I liked the little details that the book went into about most of people, and there were a few things that I learned.

Altogether, it could have been a better book based on the subject matter, but it was entertaining enough.

[Mamading]

Very lightweight, but entertaining. Bitesite profiles of various rulers throughout history (including a pope or two) and the villainy they got up to. To be a ruler in those days usually necessitated being the biggest bastard in the country if not the (sub)continent. These guys (and more than a few women) managed to earn their notoriety the hard way.

[Sevag Sarmazian · Rating 1 out of 5]

Terrible book. Very few of the 'bastards' are really bastards at all - or at least, the author doesn't provide any proof. Memo to author: an ancient king invading another country and winning doesn't make him a bastard.

[Chase Parsley · Rating 5 out of 5]

On one end I wish it was more worldly (mostly Europe), I wish it had more illustrations/visuals, and I wish it was cited. On the other end, I found myself chuckling through the entire thing and being very entertained. Well done, Mr. Thornton!

[Derek · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very weak book, waste of my money and wasted my time. make the 101 worst reads

[Tricia · Rating 3 out of 5]

loads of nastiness!!!!

[Ley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Tedious and tiresome. In the hands of someone who could do more than a dull, rote list it could have been interesting.

[Scotti Andrews · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hope there are more in the 'Bastards' series. Is it any surprise that human history is filled with such personalities?

[Betty Anne · Rating 1 out of 5]

It just wasn't good.

[Jeroen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not going very deep, but funny & light book. Entertaining.

[Trejon Dunkley · Rating 4 out of 5]

fun little history primer. don't exist anything on depth, just a place to start your own research.

[Shiloh Reynolds · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny and informative

[Jim · Rating 3 out of 5]

A hard read with a lot of repetition, probably one best to dip in and out of.