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Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples
The classic that revolutionized the way Americans see marriage. Sold more than 35 million copies and translated into 14 languages.
300 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1972
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276 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
April 29, 2013
I found this book at a Goodwill and picked it up, assuming it was about polyamory or swinging, as the phrase "open marriage" is generally used today. Instead I found a guidebook for loosening some of the more suffocating aspects of a traditional paired marriage while still preserving the institution.
The book starts with some easy themes, those of sharing housework and breaking out of gender roles. Hopefully not a new concept for the modern couple, even if a bit controversial for its day. It then progresses to topics such as decreasing jealousy, allowing room for self-expression within marriage, increasing communication, etc. The bulk of the book is spent on these issues, which you might find in a general relationship advice book published today. The difference is in the underlying structure and details, which hint at the better parts later in the book. The deeper message of all this is the focus on individuality and treating the couple as a synergistic pair, rather than two halves of one whole.
The last chapters are where I think Open Marriage really breaks out, and highlights some ideas that are still groundbreaking for today:
1) Takes the concept of asking for permission (your spouse "letting you do something", or having veto power over each others decisions) and trades it for discussion of goals with your spouse. Finding a 3rd alternative rather than a weak compromise in which neither party truly gets what they want.
2) Cultivating meaningful relationships outside of your family, without imposing pre-emptive limitations based on possessiveness. This is the only part where the book briefly touches upon open sexuality as a possibility for some couples, just as an example, but the main focus is on emotional depth and freedom to connect with others.
3) Commitment to real growth as an individual, and the freedom to pursue your dreams in life without having to sacrifice them to the altar of "togetherness". (And many more, but these stick in my mind most.)
Open Marriage promotes a marriage that is still monogamous and yet radically different from the way most people still conduct their relationships today. How many husbands would be happy with their wives taking a week long vacation in Europe without them? How many wives would "let" their husband go out to dinner with an ex-girlfriend? As long as scenarios like those continue to elicit fear and jealousy rather than trust and support amongst the average couple, this book will stay relevant.
(The cover's listing of authors, a husband and wife team, with their names separate rather than as "George and Nena O'Neill" was a nice touch.)
The book starts with some easy themes, those of sharing housework and breaking out of gender roles. Hopefully not a new concept for the modern couple, even if a bit controversial for its day. It then progresses to topics such as decreasing jealousy, allowing room for self-expression within marriage, increasing communication, etc. The bulk of the book is spent on these issues, which you might find in a general relationship advice book published today. The difference is in the underlying structure and details, which hint at the better parts later in the book. The deeper message of all this is the focus on individuality and treating the couple as a synergistic pair, rather than two halves of one whole.
The last chapters are where I think Open Marriage really breaks out, and highlights some ideas that are still groundbreaking for today:
1) Takes the concept of asking for permission (your spouse "letting you do something", or having veto power over each others decisions) and trades it for discussion of goals with your spouse. Finding a 3rd alternative rather than a weak compromise in which neither party truly gets what they want.
2) Cultivating meaningful relationships outside of your family, without imposing pre-emptive limitations based on possessiveness. This is the only part where the book briefly touches upon open sexuality as a possibility for some couples, just as an example, but the main focus is on emotional depth and freedom to connect with others.
3) Commitment to real growth as an individual, and the freedom to pursue your dreams in life without having to sacrifice them to the altar of "togetherness". (And many more, but these stick in my mind most.)
Open Marriage promotes a marriage that is still monogamous and yet radically different from the way most people still conduct their relationships today. How many husbands would be happy with their wives taking a week long vacation in Europe without them? How many wives would "let" their husband go out to dinner with an ex-girlfriend? As long as scenarios like those continue to elicit fear and jealousy rather than trust and support amongst the average couple, this book will stay relevant.
(The cover's listing of authors, a husband and wife team, with their names separate rather than as "George and Nena O'Neill" was a nice touch.)
April 26, 2013
What I got most from this book was how to truly love someone--through honesty, trust, acceptance and understanding. Marriage does not place ownership on anyone and no one has the right to expect another to be everything for himself. We don't love out of obligation. We love because it's who we are. Jealousy is a negative feeling and will only create unhappiness in the end.
March 21, 2014
It's about trust and communication, not sleeping around.
March 9, 2018
I read this long long ago with my ex. I don't remember much about it so found the reviews on it to be helpful.
October 4, 2014
I think many people are missing the point. Put this in a timely perspective. The 70s. Feminism was finally taking hold, and the concept of equal partners in marriage was new. The O'Neills are describing the foundation of open marriage, a new kind of marriage of equals who share and communicate, as opposed to the 50s model of husband rules all. It can be a starting point for anything—polyamory, polyfidelity, or an exclusive, but open-minded, marriage. For me, I found this book highly influential in my relationships after coming out of a strict religious upbringing. It demonstrated the ideas I always had about what a partnership should be like.
January 16, 2012
This was written in '72/'73, and well... I loved it. The sections on "role flexibility" are hilariously outdated by this point, thankfully-- well maybe not among Promise Keepers and their ilk, but at least in Sunny Blue California. But it's interesting how 40 years after this was published, the rest of the ideas presented here are totally relevant to people's interpersonal relationships-- i'd give a copy of this to plenty of you if I could only find more dollar copies of it in used bookstores. Total score.
October 18, 2009
I read this mostly because it had been described to me as being fairly influential at its time, and it seems like it was something that was referenced just often enough that I wanted to make my own opinion.
Honestly, for the most part I just found it sort of boring. The importance of communication (which the book is about for the most part) is not something I think that this book can teach, although it does give it a try. It also focuses a lot on gender roles in marriage, which I felt was not a huge factor in my life, though I recognize that it probably would have been significantly more so at the time it was originally written.
I have read other reviews that describe this as "not that racy", which I will agree with for the most part. The section from which you more commonly hear the title phrase colloquially now, is not until quite late in the book (page 255ish?). I am not sure if the section about not equating marriage with sexual fidelity is that convincing in any direction, but its placement, length and general lack of focus make it feel like either an afterthought or something so heavily edited to be mass-marketable as to be nearly useless.
Mostly it seems that this was a book that first brought up the idea of "open marriage" as you hear about it today, but I don't think it is in any way a good manual of how to go about it.
Honestly, for the most part I just found it sort of boring. The importance of communication (which the book is about for the most part) is not something I think that this book can teach, although it does give it a try. It also focuses a lot on gender roles in marriage, which I felt was not a huge factor in my life, though I recognize that it probably would have been significantly more so at the time it was originally written.
I have read other reviews that describe this as "not that racy", which I will agree with for the most part. The section from which you more commonly hear the title phrase colloquially now, is not until quite late in the book (page 255ish?). I am not sure if the section about not equating marriage with sexual fidelity is that convincing in any direction, but its placement, length and general lack of focus make it feel like either an afterthought or something so heavily edited to be mass-marketable as to be nearly useless.
Mostly it seems that this was a book that first brought up the idea of "open marriage" as you hear about it today, but I don't think it is in any way a good manual of how to go about it.
August 21, 2011
Oh, way to go, O'Neills. You totally tricky-tricked me. 250 pages on "Open Marriage," and only two pages even mention the possibility of sleeping with other people. I paid a really good Nebraska quarter for this book! I could've turned that money into a couple of tampons or 1/4 of a corndog or something else I could shove into my vagina, but no. Instead I spent my very own Friday night on the couch with a ten dollar bottle of wine, just looking for the dirty parts in this book like some kind of Italian explorer, only to learn that my husband should sometimes wash the dishes and also let me be friends with people he doesn't like. Well, that is some fucking bullshit. If I learned anything from Twilight, it's that it's not love unless you're tied to your twin bed like in Misery, just completely at your lover's whim. Team Edward, away!
January 14, 2009
This book had a powerful if disastrous affect on my life and I assume many others. I wonder what research informed it and whether it should be classified as fiction, perhaps horror.
January 15, 2024
Πόσο επίκαιρο μπορεί να είναι ένα βιβλίο που πραγματεύεται τη συζυγική σχέση και εκδόθηκε το 1977;
Μπορεί το εξώφυλλο να είναι παλιομοδίτικο, οι προτάσεις αυτού του βιβλίου όμως ακόμα και σήμερα μπορούν να χαρακτηριστούν προχωρημένες.
Ο τίτλος ίσως είναι λίγο παραπλανητικός, μιας και τα όσα αναφέρονται ελάχιστα έχουν να κάνουν με την εναπόθεση της τζίφρας σε ένα κομμάτι χαρτί. Στην πραγματικότητα μιλάει για την "ανοιχτή σχέση" του ζευγαριού, κι αν αυτός ο όρος είναι ικανός να σκανδαλίσει σήμερα, να μην ξεχνάμε ότι το βιβλίο γράφτηκε το 1977 και χρειαζόταν κάτι πιο "στιβαρό" στον τίτλο.
Αν και γίνεται νύξη στην πολυγαμία, οι συγγραφείς δεν δίνουν ιδιαίτερη έμφαση σε αυτή την πτυχή της σχέσης. Επομένως, αν βρεθεί στα χέρια σου μην το απορρίψεις επειδή σε σκανδάλισε ο τίτλος και αν το διαβάσεις μην απογοητευτείς επειδή δεν γίνεται εκτενής αναφορά στο ζήτημα αυτό και δεν επικυρώνει την άποψή σου ότι το να μοιράζεσαι τη σεξουαλική σου ζωή με πολλούς θα έπρεπε να είναι αυτονόητο και αποδεκτό.
Οι βασικές ιδέες του βιβλίου είναι η ειλικρίνεια, ο σεβασμός, η ατομικότητα, η αποδοχή, η εμπιστοσύνη, η επικοινωνία και η αγάπη. Με πραγματικά και εύστοχα παραδείγματα γίνεται έυκολα κατανοητό το πώς όλα αυτά τα όμορφα κερδίζονται ή υπονομεύονται σε μια σχέση. Παρόλα αυτά δεν είναι ένα βιβλίο αυτοβοήθειας που σου δίνει κατευθυντήριες και εγγυάται την ευτυχισμένη και ανέφελη συντροφική σχέση, αλλά αποτελεί μάλλον μια πλήρη και εμπεριστατωμένη έκθεση ιδεών που αποβλέπουν στη δυναμική και την εξέλιξη την ανθρώπινης γνωριμίας. Βρήκα επίσης ότι πολλές από αυτές τις ιδέες μπορούν να επεκταθούν και σε άλλου είδους σχέσεις, όπως φιλικές ή τις σχέσεις με τους γονείς.
Οι αντιλήψεις μας σχετικά με το πως θα έπρεπε να είναι η συντροφική σχέση και κατ' επέκταση ο γάμος, είτε μπορούμε να το παραδεχτούμε είτε όχι, είναι βαθιά ριζωμένες σε αναχρονιστικά πρότυπα και στερεότυπα που κατά βάση δεν μας εξυπηρετούν και δεν προσθέτουν στην ανθρώπινη εμπειρία. Κι επειδή η πληροφορία συνήθως έρχεται από τον γάμο των γονιών μας (ή άλλων οικείων προσώπων) που κατά πάσα πιθανότητα εμπίπτει στα πρότυπα αυτά, θα έδινα με χαρά σε κάθε αγαπημένο μου πρόσωπο να διαβάσει αυτό το βιβλίο και θα το πρότεινα στον καθένα που θα τύχει να διαβάσει αυτό το κείμενο.
Μπορεί το εξώφυλλο να είναι παλιομοδίτικο, οι προτάσεις αυτού του βιβλίου όμως ακόμα και σήμερα μπορούν να χαρακτηριστούν προχωρημένες.
Ο τίτλος ίσως είναι λίγο παραπλανητικός, μιας και τα όσα αναφέρονται ελάχιστα έχουν να κάνουν με την εναπόθεση της τζίφρας σε ένα κομμάτι χαρτί. Στην πραγματικότητα μιλάει για την "ανοιχτή σχέση" του ζευγαριού, κι αν αυτός ο όρος είναι ικανός να σκανδαλίσει σήμερα, να μην ξεχνάμε ότι το βιβλίο γράφτηκε το 1977 και χρειαζόταν κάτι πιο "στιβαρό" στον τίτλο.
Αν και γίνεται νύξη στην πολυγαμία, οι συγγραφείς δεν δίνουν ιδιαίτερη έμφαση σε αυτή την πτυχή της σχέσης. Επομένως, αν βρεθεί στα χέρια σου μην το απορρίψεις επειδή σε σκανδάλισε ο τίτλος και αν το διαβάσεις μην απογοητευτείς επειδή δεν γίνεται εκτενής αναφορά στο ζήτημα αυτό και δεν επικυρώνει την άποψή σου ότι το να μοιράζεσαι τη σεξουαλική σου ζωή με πολλούς θα έπρεπε να είναι αυτονόητο και αποδεκτό.
Οι βασικές ιδέες του βιβλίου είναι η ειλικρίνεια, ο σεβασμός, η ατομικότητα, η αποδοχή, η εμπιστοσύνη, η επικοινωνία και η αγάπη. Με πραγματικά και εύστοχα παραδείγματα γίνεται έυκολα κατανοητό το πώς όλα αυτά τα όμορφα κερδίζονται ή υπονομεύονται σε μια σχέση. Παρόλα αυτά δεν είναι ένα βιβλίο αυτοβοήθειας που σου δίνει κατευθυντήριες και εγγυάται την ευτυχισμένη και ανέφελη συντροφική σχέση, αλλά αποτελεί μάλλον μια πλήρη και εμπεριστατωμένη έκθεση ιδεών που αποβλέπουν στη δυναμική και την εξέλιξη την ανθρώπινης γνωριμίας. Βρήκα επίσης ότι πολλές από αυτές τις ιδέες μπορούν να επεκταθούν και σε άλλου είδους σχέσεις, όπως φιλικές ή τις σχέσεις με τους γονείς.
Οι αντιλήψεις μας σχετικά με το πως θα έπρεπε να είναι η συντροφική σχέση και κατ' επέκταση ο γάμος, είτε μπορούμε να το παραδεχτούμε είτε όχι, είναι βαθιά ριζωμένες σε αναχρονιστικά πρότυπα και στερεότυπα που κατά βάση δεν μας εξυπηρετούν και δεν προσθέτουν στην ανθρώπινη εμπειρία. Κι επειδή η πληροφορία συνήθως έρχεται από τον γάμο των γονιών μας (ή άλλων οικείων προσώπων) που κατά πάσα πιθανότητα εμπίπτει στα πρότυπα αυτά, θα έδινα με χαρά σε κάθε αγαπημένο μου πρόσωπο να διαβάσει αυτό το βιβλίο και θα το πρότεινα στον καθένα που θα τύχει να διαβάσει αυτό το κείμενο.
September 25, 2022
I wondered why this book was so controversial - all the advice in it for creating a good marriage seemed right on to me: setting realistic expectations of your partner, allowing for space and privacy, communicating openly and honestly, assuming both masculine and feminine roles for both partners, allowing for equality and individual identity. But then I got to the last chapter about open love and sex and screeched to a halt. We have evolved a lot since the 1970’s when this book was published, but even by today’s standards that’s a bridge too far for most folks.
December 14, 2019
A Marital Self Help Book for the Early '60s
I read this book because my dad said that my mom had him read it during the last year of their marriage. It feels very dated. I don't get the impression that my dad was telling me about (it's about selfishness and doing whatever you want) but I do understand why my mother might have been pushing for this book.
I read this book because my dad said that my mom had him read it during the last year of their marriage. It feels very dated. I don't get the impression that my dad was telling me about (it's about selfishness and doing whatever you want) but I do understand why my mother might have been pushing for this book.
February 2, 2021
Gives a different perspective about what we were told marriage is and brings new outcomes to the actual relationships we have not only for couples
April 7, 2009
Open marriage; a new life style for couples by Nena O'Neill (1972)
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