Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships

by Wendy-O Matik

Put together your own version of an ideal relationship, embrace the full capacity of your heart to express love, redefine the potential of a friendship, imagine a thousand ways to make love to yourself and to anyone else you care about. Radicalize your relationship by imagining your wildest ideal partnership together. Avoid stagnancy by challenging your old familiar routine and re-inventing new levels of commitment. Face your true desires in life by asking yourself what you really want from all of your connections.

Genres: Polyamory, Relationships, Nonfiction, Queer, Sexuality, Self Help, Feminism

112 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 2002

About the author

Wendy-O Matik is the author of Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships. As an educator, role model, and spokesperson for the polyamory community, Wendy has become a revolutionary activist of the heart. Since the release of her book, she has taught over eighty Radical Love & Relationship Workshops globally, excavating important social trends and reshaping the future of alternative relationship models for the 21st century. As an activist for social change, Wendy is pushing the boundaries on firmly rooted notions in mainstream society on relationships, love, gender, sexual equality, and sexual politics. She is available for educational and motivational discussions on the topic of alternative relationship models and responsible non-monogamy.

Reviews

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whether to put more emphasis on one's politics or one's personal life has been a running debate between activists, organizers, and rebels of all sorts for a long time now. Where does your personal life stop and your efforts to change the world begin? Is there something in between? How do you go about living your life that goes along with your principles? These questions sometimes haunt me, because you can never really separate yourself from mainstream consumer society no matter how much you dislike capitalism. However, in this life, while you make compromises so you can exist, at what point do you go too far? I'll usually veer away from these sorts of thoughts since I've seen it cripple many politically-minded people and make their heads spin. The worst part is the questions continually come back.

Relationships are a huge part of who we are simply as human beings. Whether it's sex, friendship, love, simple companionship, or something in-between all of these, humans exist as social creatures. In fact, any healthy social movement for change develops strong relationships on individual and mass levels. So what's so radical about that? Well, it may look more radical when you start to think about how many things in our society have been the result of domination, control, and exploitation. Ultimately, much of what we think of as romantic relationships in the West is based on about male control, patriarchy, and jealousy, (which again, we all grew up with in this society). Alternative relationships, or open relationships where no one person has control over another's feelings, is an alternative model. In "Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships," Wendy O Matik, explores how an open relationship, based on trust, honesty, and maturity, would actual work.

When it comes down to it, I highly recommend this book. I've gone back and forth on the monogamy vs. polyamory issue. (I don't like the term non-monogamy because I don't like defining myself as what I'm against.) Sometimes I won't do it because my partner is against it, and other times we compromise to adopting it. Wendy writes here that the key towards a successful open relationship is to be honest with one another that humans will be attracted to other people, and they can't shut that part of them down just because they're with someone else. Jealousy, much like rage, can shut a part of you down and hate someone you're supposed to love, or when someone cheats on monagomy. Wendy also makes the good point that relationships aren't just a black/white thing where you have lovers and friends, and nothing else. Another excellent point she makes is that open relationships do not mean irresponsible relationships where you don't have to take your partner's feelings into account or can just go marathon bed-hopping without letting your partner know what's going on.

If you're even just curious about open relationships or wish to explore exactly what love is, Wendy-O Matik is a great start, since it's a fast, short enjoyable read.

[Rose · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I appreciate any literature out there that supports education and open mindedness in regards to open relationships, I can't help but feel this book has missed the mark somewhat.

The author writes mostly personal anecdotes, which do help to illustrate the variety and diversity within nonmonogamous lifestyles, but do very little to help people think of how to create their own relationships and thrive in a system that works for them. The advice given is very forceful and almost comes across as if the author feels her way is the best way to do an open relationship.

I also feel that, with all the other literature available on the subject, more detail could have been added. This book is very short, and leaves the reader feeling somewhat like they were hit over the head by a new idea, and it is over and done with before they could learn much about it or have time to ponder how they feel. This book lacked organization and a great deal was lost by failing to clarify concepts or introduce some fairly common terminology that is usually addressed in other poly books. I never saw mentioned the word triad, V, or polyfidelity, which would seem to be kind of fundamental for a book on polyamory. It seems like if you miss some of the basic things about open relationships, even in passing, that you are wasting the time of your readers that are interested in the subject.

I also feel that the author tried to force her own definition of responsible nonmonogamy to only include people who are actively looking for love relationships outside of their main or primary partnership. I do not think this is the only responsible or mature nonmonogamous style, and that people can search for purely physical encounters (a.k.a. swinging) and still have a healthy and fulfilling relationship style if that is what works for them. Further, I have always seen the word polyamory to describe this kind of emotional searching, and have never heard someone try to stuff the word nonmonogamy into such a narrow definition.

This book wasn't all bad. A few of the anecdotes were unlike others I had seen before and I always enjoy reading about personal experiences. Some of the advice was sound, but just could have benefitted from being dealt out less aggressively. I would not steer someone who was considering open relationships away from this book as long as they were reading other books as well. I would not recommend this at all for an introduction to someone who knows nothing about open relationships and/or is somewhat apprehensive about or even outright against the idea. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is probably a much better piece for this kind of situation.

[Craig Little · Rating 3 out of 5]

Felt more like a brochure trying to sell me on Ms. Matik's views on relationships than anything resembling something useful and self-help inspired.

It touches on some issues that may arise when opening a relationship, but steadfastly refuses to acknowledge or suggest ways of overcoming them.

It's very well written and breezy and is a charming "blog post" of a book, but it's definitely not what it tries to sell itself as.

[Ma'Belle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was astonished at how similar this book was to an on-going conversation I've been having for years, developing my understanding of the nebulous thing we broadly call love. The prose and grammar isn't top notch, but Wendy-O put herself out there and produced a very candid, personable look at polyamory or, literally, loving many.

I agreed with almost everything in this book, though I haven't experienced the kinds of openness from other people the author has been living for years. I wish it had dealt with some of the most common objections and difficulties for people interested in living out "alternative" ways of loving. For example, the simple fact that most people you'll meet, even in radical communities, are scared to death at the thought of being sexually involved with someone and knowing she or he might flirt with or express physical affection to others. This presents a basic problem of responding to taboos, stigmas, and social expectations tactfully and sensitively, and this conversation can be a difficult one through which to maneuver.

I might expand this review more upon further reflection.

[Tobi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't like open relationships. Maybe it's because I'm straight, but there is a double standard at work between men and women in open relationships and it is too much for me to overcome with idealism. Sure, patriarchy shouldn't enter into our personal relationships but it does. That said, monogamy is an ideal that rarely works in long term relationships. So what do we do? This book helped me think about 'cheating' in a different way and encouraged me to strive against possessiveness and jealousy. I don't believe that partners own each as property, but I do get jealous and find that it tends to take over my life. I think this is something I need to keep in check, but it's not easy or even possible for me to be in an open relationship because it is too emotionally exhausting.

[Lex · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book is short. "more than two" is much more comprehensive. this book posits some excellent ideas. Matik talks about queering your idea of love and relationships: intercourse needn't be the only form on intimacy or love-making. love your friends, love freely, love yourself.

[Gregory Foster · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was suggested to me by a friend. It was a quick read but plump with great advice and easy to understand language.

[Manuela · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book actively like I quoted Wendy many times in the endless conversations that I had these days with my friends exactly about this. Her book came after reading "The Ethical Slut", and of course, I found a lot of similarities, and definitely Wendy is inspired by all these books.
I felt it as an honest dialogue, an easy-going writing, and a good way of practicing her tips/ her friend's experiences when it comes to understanding better love and non-monogamous relationships.

I took this with me:

“Have you ever gotten into one of those mind-blowing, heartfelt, intense discussions with someone, felt your body temperature rise, experienced the exchange of a truly passionate and intimate dialogue and when it was over, you felt as if you had made love to that person? You feel somehow changed, receptive, and bursting with a kind of love for that person that you may not have felt before. Have you ever felt as though you just had “sex” after a romantically succulent meal with someone? Has a hug or a long-awaited embrace ever felt like you were falling in love? Have you ever imagined yourself exchanging a kiss that was better than sex, that somehow could convey all the love that you feel in a single ignited moment?
This is the gray area of intimacy of which I am trying to scratch the surface. To give love is a personal and revolutionary act. Everyone I love as a friend or a lover or a sister or a grandmother embodies a form of daily activism in my life. Every love letter, every hug, every tender kiss, every flower picked, every consoling talk is my heart acting out all the[…]”

[semkirk · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting book consisting of a number of short chapters (plus some guest sections) that discussed components of having an open relationship, its pitfalls and benefits and the work everyone involved has to do to make such a relationship work.

I really appreciated the chapter that focused on the impact on her daughter and how they treat her as a true individual with her own agency. Not the Victorian fallacy that children were just miniature adults that would “expand into adults” (just add water), a real person with her own age-appropriate needs and concerns that the author and her partner (as parents) were obligated to consider and incorporate, even if it meant revising/updating the rules of the adults’ open relationship. I also appreciated the perspective that by giving input and self-determination to their child they might just raise a child that as an adult would be smarter, more balanced and mature about relationships and seeking those who would make her a better person.

Though a slim book, there are enough things here that I expect to re-read portions going forward. I was not “WOWED” by the book, but I was challenged and I know I will be digesting it for some time.

If this topic is of interest to you, get it and read it with an open & critical mind. You’ll learn something.

[Rasak · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy to read book that might be a good introduction to concepts of polyamory if you are new to it. If you are not new to it, best you can take out of it is personal stories of other people dealing with polyamory in their lives which I always find enriching.

What I did not liked, that there is only separation into primary partners and lovers and it is not questioned and no other alternatives given. It might be misleading for those new to polyamory that this is the only way to pursue such relationships. There are also people who have multiple partners and none of them is primary - all are on the same level of "importance" (non-hierarchical polyamory). There are also people who see themselves as relationship anarchists and understand their relations to partners, lovers and friends in other ways. But this book is not even mentioning that.

All in all this book is a nice read and might be a good introduction on the subject, but if you are interested in this topic, you should deepen your knowledge in reading other books too.

[Katie McMahon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book and it really helped me understand my relationship to polyamory. Not only is the writing engaging, it made me feel like many of my personal thoughts in relationships that normally make me feel guilty, are normal and common. I read this with a partner while we were trying an open relationship and it really helped us talk about ideas and feelings we’ve experienced. What a great guidebook!

[xkdlaej · Rating 4 out of 5]

非常實用，簡單精準地概括了實踐非單偶制（non-monogamy）時會遇到的問題，以及一些處理關係問題的守則。

[Julian · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked reading this book. Someone recommended it to me by describing it as the "punk" Ethical Slut (which I've never read, but heard people talk about too much). A lot of this book I found to be problematic or simplistic (the idea of "true desires" or self-love...), however I found myself appreciating the context that the author seemed to come from and her grappling with many of the same kinds of questions I have grappled with concerning open relationships. While the questions we have may be similar, I think my conclusions are very different, and certainly imbued with more of a sense of the tragic and less overall hope. I guess I just feel that most of my contemporaries live in such chaotic situations, with such precarious means to life, and are constantly changing directions that much of the advice here isn't really much help. However, it does offer some good starting points for thinking through what radical relationships look like, and I appreciated that. I thought the best part of this book was the stories that the author retold of her friends, which felt like the most honest parts of the book that attempted to seriously grapple with difficult questions for which there often is no solution. It was inspiring, however, to hear people's accounts of how they have implemented forms of open relationships that have been fulfilling, challenging and redefined both themselves and their relations with others.

[Kerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beginning with a quote from Emma Goldman, “The most vital right is the right to love and be loved,” Wendy discusses a bunch of thorny concepts beloved of those who practice polyamory – relationships based around the conscious involvement of more than two intimate sexual partners.

“Why alternative relationships?” covers the basics of how an individual might find themselves attracted to this format, and her easily read chapters carry on to cover such usual relationship problems as jealousy, conflict strategies, and how to work this kind of relationship with kids in your life. Fear of misunderstanding is a biggie, and wellcovered, as is the chapter dealing to common misconceptions.

I first met Wendy Millstine, who is known in her home state of California as a frequent seminar presenter at UC Berkeley, when she came to do some seminars in NZ around the 2003 Ladyfest in Melbourne.
She is the most amazingly well-tattooed professor I’ve ever met, and gave very insightful workshops as well as facilitating a discussion at the 128 Community in Abel Smith St, which was a real eye-opener.
Polyamory became exponentially more popular in the radical community surrounding that venue for the rest of this decade.

She has published a lot of other interesting work, including books, poetry, videos and music, during her punk performance days, and further information is available on her website, http://www.wendyomatic.com

[Jayden Ross · Rating 4 out of 5]

Redefining Our Relationships is a sort of poly how-to, self-help book. It reads like a zine, it’s personal and simple. While most books on polyamory focus on heterosexual women opening up an existing partnership or navigating marriage and children, Matik offers the perspective of a young, queer, poly person who doesn’t envision these traditional heterosexual life landmarks for her future. While the book is heavily anecdotal (including quotes from random friends) and may lack some of the wisdom of age, I still believe it has valuable insights.

Reading this book makes me reflect on all the beautiful ways we can show love to one another. How deep, romantic, and powerful that can be in friendships and how creative, erotic, and friendly that can be with lovers. I feel inspired to reflect on what brings me true joy and how I can provide joy, care, fun, and thoughtfulness to those in my life. Matik writes poetically and idealistically about these topics, yet the book still has relatively little fluff. The chapters are short and to the point. At times, it can seem overly optimistic, abstract, and idealistic, but is hard to cover such a nuanced topic in depth.

There are ideas in this book I disagree with, but overall, there is wisdom here. Especially notable are Matik’s reframings of jealousy, which have influenced my own approach to polyamory since I read the book several years ago.

[Oih · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you're looking for a book with a deep psychological/antropological research, keep searching. This book tells a first-hand experience in open relationships.

Although I don't consider myself as a person that could be comfortable in an open relationship (regarding sex) - and I'm still not comfortable with it after reading this book either -, there are approaches that my partner and I have talked about and we will definitely try to include them in our relationship as an exercise to have a healthy life together. I love how the author describes an open relationship not just as a matter of sex, but about accepting that your partner doesn't have to share all your interests and fill all your desires.

You can have different "partners" to go to the cinema, to travel, to talk about politics... And then have a main "partner", the one you intimate with and share interests that you both have in common. This can help to avoid frustrating situations, such as getting bored doing certain activities or feeling like you have nothing in common.

I decided to give four stars to the book because there were some chapters that were too focused on sex life.

[tamarack · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is the first book about "open" relationships that i've read. i went to a polyamory workshop at queeruption last summer and this was one of the titles i heard mentioned as a recommended read - i only wish i had found a copy sooner.

i come from the monogamy camp - meaning i have never explicitly been in an open or polyamorous relationship. truthfully i find the idea a little overwhelming. i half expected to find myself reading my way through a foreign culture, unable to comprehend the assumptions in a book about polyamorous relationships. but no, i was more welcomed with open arms (no pun).

Redefining Our Relationships is a powerfully written book which makes no apologies and yet is widely relevant. this book is about relationships, and it speaks to all kinds: i have come away from reading it with new insight applicable to all my friendships, regardless of whether there is a romantic or sexual aspect.

i'm glad i own this because i am going to have to read it again. in fact, i wish i had a second copy so that i could loan one out to people i love.

[Spicy T AKA Mr. Tea · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book at the recommendation of a friend. I wasn't thrilled with it. I thought the author was really quite authoritative in both style and pronouncement of open relationships. While I agree theoretically with the idea, and am indeed interested in exploring open relationships, reading this book made it seem like open relationships were the "only" kind of relationship to have. Further, Wendy writes in a very declarative way which lead to constant almost command statements that really turned me off. For this topic, I'd definitely start with The Ethical Slut and go from there rather than starting one's exploration of the topic with Redefining. While The Ethical Slut seems more "hippie" oriented, it offers a far more expansive and accessible text with which to understand polyamory and open relationships.

[João · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first few chapters had me teary-eyed. They're beautiful, poetic, honest, kind-hearted. Absolutely wonderful!

It's a short book that you can read in a single sitting. It does a great job of setting up an ideal for love and loving relationships that you can try to follow.

The reason it's not getting 5 stars is because of the author's assumption that there's always a primary relationship or partner, and no discussion of alternative models. Newer books generally mention other polyamorous paradigms, and include some discussion on the potential emotional and ethical pitfalls of the hierarchical relationship model.

Still great as a nice, short introduction to a poly ideal :)

[Miranda · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book changed the way I look at relationships, communication and what it is to love & make love. It's much less sex/intercourse-focused than Ethical Slut, and therefore was a much more tolerable first step into understanding/exploring "open" relationships.
I read it ages ago and still carry the lessons with me...
It's a book that I would recommend buying and keeping onhand for re-reads. Also a great gift/lend to share with loved ones (whether they be sexual, romantic, or plutonic)
It's a quick read too.

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel like there are a lot of problems with such a quick overview of such a complicated topic, which is maybe why I prefer The Ethical Slut, especially for newcomers. This seems more like a refresher course for those already familiar with some of the concepts involved with having open relationships. Lots of amazing stuff about self-love here, which is pretty crucial for any kind of relationship, and just to get through a pretty tough world that seems to thrive on people's lack of self worth.

[Jeannie Miller · Rating 3 out of 5]

This quick read has some valuable practical advice and insightful perspectives on the day to day of open relationships. There's a lot of padding here, though, in the way of lofty copy about how great and revolutionary poly is, with a small whiff of poly superiority. I bookmarked the central chapter "Guidelines" and the page on How to Manage a Jealousy Attack. The rest I probably could have skipped. Opening Up remains the one book on the topic I strongly recommend, though I haven't yet picked up More Than Two.

[Joolie · Rating 4 out of 5]

read this a long time ago and was supremely skeptical having plundered my way through the obtuse and pretentious (in my opinion) Ethical Slut. However, i was pleasantly surprised and found that it described and dealt with the kinds of relationships i was looking for. it does deal from a more "primary partner" position and is really big on being monogamous for some time with partners but it worked for me.

[Ecclectiscapist · Rating 2 out of 5]

Borrowed from another poly friend. Quick read, great modern common sense approach and very personal-to-author feel. But I disagreed with a lot of the authors viewpoints about how to handle poly dynamics (like systematically waiting a year after establishing a new relationship to start another...)so I cnan't say I could really adopt it... but it is one valid voice of one way to be polyamorous, and as a movement we need more perspectives on that for ourselves and for the public. Worth the read.

[James · Rating 3 out of 5]

She's a rad little hippyish chick with some good ol' free thinking. :) I don't know if I'm down with her ideas so much or if you can really put them in place in the way she does, but she has some good insights into relationships and people and it gives ya some ideas. :) It was a pretty quick read so it wouldn't hurt to breeze through it. Though if you're married or in a committed relationship it may mess that up on ya. Don't say I didn't warn ya. :)

[AnitaDurt · Rating 2 out of 5]

bought this at goodvibrations one day in the presence of my then-monogomous girlfriend and didn't think much of it til we started trying to have an open relationship. this book seems to be more useful to people who are already living the polyamorous life, but i found some of it helpful...especially the chapter on jealousy.

[Abbie G. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended as a companion to "The Ethical Slut", and I ended up liking it much more than I expected. The emphasis is on redifining what intimacy means on many levels, not just from a sexual standpoint. Awesome read for anyone who feels unfulfilled by current relationships or has interest in any sort of poly lifestyle.

[Lelayna · Rating 4 out of 5]

must read for default monogamous folks, chosen monogamous peeps, poly folks and anyone who enjoys taking an active role in your relationships - sexual, intimate, familial, friendly. I always say that if we use, like, 10% of our brains imagine how little of our hearts we are using. Offer it up-share the love (in lots of different ways).

[Keely Hyslop · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked how this book stressed the importance of valuing all your relationships be they acquaintances, friends, or family, or romantic partners. The theme of practicing gratitude and mindfulness in your interactions with the people you care about is one that can be useful for all relationship styles.

[Clio · Rating 1 out of 5]

this book leaves so much to be desired! valiant to write on the subject, I felt hungry throughout reading it. i wanted something solid: her examples are so generalized that i found it difficult to relate the experiences of the people she interviewed to my own life. it feels like a rough draft.