Torn: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood

by Samantha Parent Walravens, Kim Todd (Contributor)

 Striking the right balance between career and motherhood is one of the most stressful, heart-wrenching tasks facing women today. In Torn, 47 women explore the conflict between the need to nurture and the need to work, and reveal creative solutions for having the best of both worlds. Their stories offer hope and inspiration, but also expose the messy realities of modern motherhood: from breast pump mishaps to battles with cancer, diaper blowouts to debilitating depression, competitive cupcake baking to coming home from war. In the end, the reader can find comfort that there is no perfect mother, nor is there a perfect balance when it comes to kids and career.
Also included are highly topical stories of mothers serving active military duty in Iraq and Afghanistan; and stay-at-home mothers being forced back to work after a long hiatus because of the economic crisis.

"TORN comes at a pivotal time in history,” says editor Samantha Parent Walravens. “Women’s disillusionment with the career-family juggle has been escalating since the mid-1990s. The idea of women pursuing high-powered careers while also baking cookies and reading bedtime stories is increasingly seen to be unrealizable by ordinary mortals. Mothers today are getting real. They are freeing themselves from the unrealistic expectation to be everything to everybody (and look fabulous while doing it!). The Age of the Superwoman is dead."                                                                                                                                                                                                  

TORN touches on themes familiar to a wide audience. It gives voice to the hopes and fears of: anxious young professionals who are contemplating motherhood; parents overmatched by the competing responsibilities of work and family life; stay-at home mothers; and women trying to “on ramp” back into a career. In the end, the reader can take comfort in the knowledge the real challenge facing women today is not juggling their many roles, but reevaluating their expectations of what is possible and accepting that success does not equal “doing it all.”
 

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Essays

269 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2011

About the author

Samantha Walravens is an award-winning journalist and editor of the New York Times-acclaimed book, TORN: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood. She writes about women, career and work-life issues for publications including Forbes, The Huffington Post, Disney Interactive and Modern Mom and speaks to audiences nationwide on the topic of work-life success, including groups at Google, Goldman Sachs, Deloitte, UBS, Northern Trust, the Society of Women Engineers and Princeton University. She has been a guest on the Today Show, Good Morning American and NPR. Samantha started her career as a technology reporter for PC World magazine in San Francisco, led marketing communications at Tumbleweed Software, and is currently uncovering the stories of women changing the face of technology for Geek Girl Rising. She is a member of Pipeline Angels, an angel network that invests in female-led companies, and serves on the Alumni Schools Committee for her alma mater, Princeton University.

Reviews

[Mary · Rating 1 out of 5]

I bought this book for my Kindle because of the glowing reviews. I am about half-way through it and have yet to find any redeeming qualities. Because all the "reviewers" of this book commented on how hilarious it was, I expected to have at least one chuckle. I never even cracked a smile. In fact, it was depressing to read essay after essay about how these mothers left their children crying with the nanny while they jetted off to some fancy job and who knows where daddy was.

This is basically essay after essay of whiney wealthy women griping because life is hard work. They all wanted to "have it all" and they all got it all. Then they get together and compiled a book of essays about how hard it is to have everything they wanted.

When these women talk about their children, I don't get a warm mother-ish feeling from them; they could be talking about any children. As for the husbands? "Absent" is the word of the day.

If you want to read uplifting and inspiring stories from a real mother who balanced her family and her career and did so with good humor, check out Erma Bombeck.

[Peter · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have to say, I'm having a great time reading the squabbling between the several women reviewers commenting on this book. It's obviously hit some nerves.

I read this book because my wife brought it home on the recommendation of her therapist. I read it in 2 days and found the stories very reflective of what is going on in our household-- and whey drove us into marriage counseling in the 1st place.

Husbands-- go out and buy this book if you want to see what your wives are going through. It provided me with some much-needed insight.

I'd like to read the fatherhood version when it comes out. Dads today feel "torn" as well, trying to provide for their families and also be there for their kids and for their wives. At least I feel torn much of the time. Come on, dads, back me up on this!

[Sheila · Rating 1 out of 5]

Okay, so after reading all the GLOWING 5-start reviews here and on Amazon for this book (and having them all sound incredibly TOO glowing, and hence very suspicious) and then having read the poor reviews and discussion for this book, I had to check it out for myself, via the free sample available on Amazon for my kindle. And now, after having read several of the stories from this book, I have to say I definitely agree with the one-star reviewers.

I found the stories in this book depressing and whiny. The writers just seem to be type-A personalities who felt for some reason that they needed to be mothers, but who resent how their children have interfered with and interrupted their desired career goals.

Examples: Author and Editor Samantha Parent Walravens writes "Quitting my job to be a stay-at-home mom is not what I had hoped or expected for myself; nor did I find the experience of changing dirty diapers and breast feeding every two hours fulfilling or rewarding." She also writes "With each successive child, my desire to do something other than 'mother' grew larger." and "If I had to pick up another Cheerio off the floor, I would blow my brains out!"

And other quotes from the first few stories: "I work because I like to work...And to be honest, I was bored silly by playing the same game for hours with the kids when they were young", and also "My twin girls, now ten, often accuse me of loving my job more than them."

So if the above quotes sound like thoughts you personally think, this book may be just the thing for you. But if you don't agree with these quotes, or you are a stay-at-home mom who actually enjoys your children and motherhood, this book is probably not what you are looking for.

And if you are still unsure, check out the free sample on amazon kindle. That way you can decide for yourself, before you waste your money.

[Noelle Henderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

With Torn: True storied of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood, Samantha Walravens has given moms everywhere the chance to share the stories from the office,kitchen and battlefield. Women today are encouraged to try to have it all. With the percentage of women in higher education surpassing men, even without the societal SUPERMOM expectation, increasingly moms, (including myself), are asking how they can both use their brains beyond cupcake recipes. And at the same time remain accessible and available to their families to raise emotionally and physically healthy children. It gives a bit of comfort to us all to know that we're not alone. So many Mom's out there are going through the same thing. I only hope to have the chance to read more of Samantha Walraven's compilations of true stories. Maybe someday SOMEONE will figure it all out and share the secret with us all!
You MUST read Torn. What a perfect book club book!

[Jim · Rating 5 out of 5]

TORN is a very important book that is a fresh look at an ongoing problem. Poignant and yet humorous at times, this is not 'just a woman's' read but one that should be read by male executives[half the labor force is female] and do something. To retrain and hire new workers is expensive and to retain an experienced,skilled mother by adjusting rules and procedures is a wise and economical choice. Use technology to do this. Flex time and child care.

Smart management learns to accomodate, attract the best and keep the best. TORN encapsulates the issues that over 50% of workers face and every family and husband with a working mother will face. Give this book to your daughter, your husband, your boss and your governmant legislator for a summer read.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

While Torn is written by mothers about motherhood, its messages are universal and its stories engrossing for readers of all generations and genders. The core premise for the beautiful short stories in this anthology is female parenting versus career choices. Torn's personal stories encompass unique narrative of the joys and challenges of current motherhood, from the hyper-educated stay-at-home mom, to the happy executive-suite mom, to the military mom stationed in the middle east discussing a child's birthday celebrated via Skype in a war zone. God bless the moms in this book, whose love for their children never fails to beam through gripping stories of mothering and living.

[Tuckykerbs · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that everyone will enjoy! Each of the 47 stories is a gem in itself.....and together form an intricately woven anthology of motherhood today. Moms and dads, grandmothers and grandfathers, aunts and uncles, sisters and brothers and everyone else will appreciate these well written and thought provoking messages.

[Alison · Rating 5 out of 5]

A touching look at the conflict women face today of choosing career over family or vice versa. The stories will make you laugh and cry at the same time. A must read for all women who have children or are thinking of having children.

[Andrea Brock · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book, it hit every emotion I have in me! These womens stories are gifts, and the book is beautifully assembled. I'm giving it to my friends for Mothers Day!!

[Barrett · Rating 5 out of 5]

The stories were beautifully written. Wish they would have been a little more upbeat about the prospects of finding a healthy balance between work and parenthood. Not all women today are "torn." Definitely an enjoyable and enlightening read.

[Aeri · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am halfway through this book and I felt the need to review it. I only gave it two stars instead of 1 because some snippets of the pieces have some redeeming value. For the most part, these woman sound like a whole bunch of whiny babies who need to appreciate and value all that they have. Predictably, most are women who are financially comfortable who go on and on about whether they should stay at home, go to work, etc etc. Maybe the pieces get better, but even halfway through, it's intolerable. Having said this, I work part-time and whine about the same stuff to my friends. However, I didn't find my rants and whines to be worthy of publishing in a book. Also, the writing itself is not that great for the most part. They read like blog entries.

[JBF]

NYT Motherlode book club

[Mary Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

A series of short essays on motherhood and the choices it entails. The selections are quite short and for the most part, very personal and specific to the individual writers. Some I could identify with and some not so much. There are essays by full-time workers, part-time workers, and full time stay at home mothers and two by women without children. As a collection it was well-balanced and thoughtful. I didn't feel like the tone was overwhelmingly whiney or negative -- motherhood is a complex endevour and if I've learned anything in my almost 10 years of being a mom, it's that you have to learn to accept the bitter with the sweet. If motherhood is all ducks and bunnies and hugs for you all the time, then this isn't the book for you.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Currently reading this book for the New York Times Motherlode book club (great forum for discussing the book and the topic of motherhood and work-life balance):

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/20...

TORN resonates with me both personally and professionally, as I have spent the past 12 years going between full time work, part time work and stay at home motherhood, never feeling like I was doing right by either my family of my job at any given moment.

The discussion of the book on the New York Times website is definitely more insightful and informative than what we are getting here. Here are some of the highlights:

http://community.nytimes.com/comments...

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most of the women were not relatable. Reading about journalists with Ivy League educations quickly became white noise. I almost feel like this collection of essays was put together to market the blogs and books that these women have written.
Some stories were touching and reassuring to know that most women struggle to balance being Mom and working outside the home. Yet others seemed to have only a loose connection to the topic. Overall, I took away very little from this book.
The arrangement of essays within was scattered and disjointed. 'Birth Mark' and 'Empty Belly' were thrown in at the end. They left me feeling depressed and wondering why I wasted my time reading any of these stories.

[Genevieve Woods · Rating 1 out of 5]

I only got about half-way through this title. I became too depressed that I wasn't an upper-middleclass-white parent who worked simply because I wanted lattes to read any more. Seriously out of the 10+ stories that I read there was only one from someone who struggled financially; while all the commentators struggled somewhat with the decision to work, they were all so far removed from my life it was hard to connect in any meaningful way to their stories. Everytime I picked the book up I'd feel bitter and angry, so I stopped picking it up.

[Sara Gottfried · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book lessens my guilt and helps me feel less isolated with the sometimes overwhelming fatigue of succeeding professionally despite the lack of societal and organization support we need. Why is professional so exhausting? Perhaps it has something to do with the endless trade-offs and sacrifices - go to a meeting at night and miss putting your kid to bed (described well by Liesl Jurock), talk to your husband at night in exchange for sleep. Get more sleep and skip sex. How can we do better?

[Suong]

This is a great book for mothers either working or stay-at-home. The stories are touching and very well written. You can tell when a mother doesn't have a lot of time or too much time to write her story. I appreciate each story and can really relate. A great read for understanding the lives of womanhood as a mother... or not.

[Aileen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book to working moms. I loved most of the essays in it, and it really shows the choice is not as clear as just work or stay at home. There are so many different stories and ways mothers have gone about balancing children and a career.

[Maven · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a mother, professor and advocate of women's issues, I feel that this book is a must-read for women today. It gives a variety of perspectives on the challenges that women face when they pursue a career and decide to have children. This is the real deal.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am finding this to be really interesting...my question is, where are the husbands/Fathers? :)

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted so much to love this book as it speaks to so many things dear to my heart. I wanted to read these essays and feel a deep affinity with the mothers and what they were writing about. I wanted to come away having a better insight into the working mother's difficulties and conflicts but feeling somehow uplifted knowing I wasn't alone in my plight.

But for the most part this collection was dull and not particularly well-written (contrast with the collections entitled "Mama PhD" or "Mothers Who Think").

Many of the essays weren't particularly insightful. Other reviewers have spoken about the lack of diversity amongst the essay contributors. There was a range (albeit somewhat limited) of diverse experiences (eg: army mother; college student mother etc) and diverse-ish backgrounds and perspectives but most of the contributors were Princeton graduates (presumably white) and so it was hard to get a sense from the collection that it could speak to all mothers on the issue of combining motherhood with paid work. Not that we could reasonably expect that from the collection (it would be an extremely tall order and I do think it is valuable to at least represent the experiences of some mothers) but one did get the feeling that many of the contributors were chosen because they were friends (or at least aligned) with the editor as the quality of many of the essays was weak. Kathryn Beaumont's essay effectively says she works so she can buy lattes. An incredibly superficial discussion of what it is like to be a commercial lawyer and a mother and some of the challenges but at the same time incredible intellectual rewards of the profession.

I had to laugh at Cathleen Blood's essay where she points out (at page 71 of the paperback edition) that her daughter had included lots of spelling mistakes in her mother's day card only to, on the very next page, write "Dad's" instead of the plural "Dads."

And while we are being pedantic, Joana Jebsen's essay uses the proverbial "angels on the head of a pin" incorrectly in the opening line of her essay.

To be honest, the collection is poorly edited and slips like the above are just a small indication of that.

I should add, however, that perhaps it was just my frame of mind at the time and perhaps my expectations were sufficiently lowered by the time I got half-way through but I found that the essays from p.109 onwards got much better. I did enjoy the essay by Alexander Bradner, possibly because it was one of the few until that point that I thought was well-written (many of the essays read as though the person had just thrown something on the page the night before it was due). I also enjoyed Courtney Cook's, Barbara Hagerty's, and Nina Ignaczak's essays. Lindsay Mead's hit quite close to home so I enjoyed that. Kim Todd's is beautifully written. In fact, I did enjoy most of the essays in the second half.

I did think Bradner's essay had some pretty bold (and scientifically incorrect or at least unproven) claims and generalisations. Her comment that "Children need their mothers - not nannies or daycare workers - to narrate the mundane, introduce so many joys, and assist with so many pains. Only someone in love with a child can get down on the floor around the fourth hour of care and invest in a puzzle" is the opposite of my experience at least - I am much more short-tempered and less patient with my child than the amazing people in her nursery; I tend to put her in front of television the first chance I get!. One paragraph that also stung in Bradner's essay is the one that read (on p.114): "Without our attention, without our rules, [our children in daycare] live unconstrained in the context of care institutions ... They roam blankly about these toxic-foamed-matted rooms, swatting at each other, consuming "health" bars and juices built out of refined sugars and modified starches, looking at garish plastic toys without knowing how to play with them, and waiting for their heavy diapers to be changed. Their energy is unchanneled, their vocabularies underdeveloped, and their cognitive potential untapped .... they're prevented from forming any true identity but that of the generic company kid." My response to that description of all nurseries is: WHAT A LOAD OF BS! I had never read such a piece of generalized anti-nursery crap until I read that paragraph. I am not quite sure how an academic can still be employed as such when they can write such unsubstantiated claims. Or least, why a philosophy professor couldn't find and afford a better nursery.

I did think the editor made some good choices in including many essays from stay-at-home mothers to show that the issues on which we are "torn" - to work or not to work and how - cut both ways: there are mothers who wish they had gone out to work too. So I am not quite sure where the negative reviewers are coming from when they say that this book was bashing stay-at-home motherhood. I did query whether they had actually read the entire book before writing the negative reviews. This may also be a reflection of poor editorial judgment as the weaker and more unrepresentative and polemic essays were placed at the beginning of the collection. That being said, even if the collection did not speak to the experiences of stay-at-home mothers (which I dispute), I think that is defensible for the reason I gave above: it is a tall order to expect the book to speak to the exact experiences of ALL mothers and there is value is just speaking to a certain type of experience. There is plenty of literature (and indeed television programs and films) already that speak to the stay-at-home mother's experience. If this book doesn't reflect your reality then go find something else that does. That being said, I thought it did a pretty good job of having essays by both stay-at-home mothers and working outside the home (or a hybrid of the two) mothers.

One thing I thought was a bit odd is how the editor, in the Acknowledgements, treats the book as if it is her own (as opposed to a collection of essays that she had edited). She talks about "the writing process" (cf: editing process) of the book for her etc. This becomes even more apparent as you read the essays and the editor's name is at the top of every page. It is quite annoying because when I was reading an essay I often wanted to be reminded of the author's name so I could look them up in the biographies at the back. I would have to find the beginning of the essay to get their name whereas "Samantha Parent Walgreaves" and the name of the book (not the particular essay) was at the top of every page. Very annoying.

Overall, a pretty good collection of essays but poorly edited and didn't live up to its potential.

[Neely Mack · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest and often heartbreaking stories that illuminate the “superwoman” fallacy and how it’s wreaking havoc on women’s psyches.

[Catherine Gillespie · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you’re looking for the sort of motherhood book that assures you that all good mothers stay home with their kids and being a SAHM is a fluffy lavender cloud of awesome, this is not the book for you.

If you’re looking for the sort of motherhood book that tells you that you owe it to womankind to bust through glass ceilings and make good on the hard work the suffragettes of yesteryear did on your behalf, because any old idiot can take care of your kids, this is not the book for you.

But if, like me, you are a reasonably smart, educated woman who really wanted to have kids and enjoys the challenges of raising them but who also feels conflicted about your other callings and gifts, and if your interests include but are not limited to parenting topics, you might find, as I did, that TORN: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood really resonates with you.

I often feel caught between my mental images of the perfect stay at home mom and the perfect working mom – like I’m a bad mom because I am Type A and have ambitions beyond cupcake making and diaper changing, and like I’m a has-been because I gave up the chance to have a big career in order to be more present with my kids.

I had no idea other women felt like that. It made me feel really relieved. It’s so hard to remember that people are not necessarily as put together and on top of things as they look.

Walravens collected and edited fifty essays written by mothers from all walks of life and all sorts of work and home situations and compiled them into a book of thoughtful, honest contemplations about being a woman and a mom. Seventeen of the essayists are Princeton women, and many of the others are from other top tier educational backgrounds, but what unites the essays is not some elitist ivory tower thing, but rather the willingness to think deeply about work and motherhood.

As I read I was tremendously encouraged by the fact that so many other women had thought and wondered about things I’ve contemplated. Like the mother of six who stays home and when asked if this is why she went to Harvard, and she answers, “why should my home, which in some ways will last forever, be run with less ambition and seriousness than a financial venture that will be gone in a century or less?” Or the Type A doctor who is home with her kids and yet struggles with the fact that “before I had kids I was great at my job. After having kids, I felt mediocre at everything: doctor, mother and wife.” I understand the woman who says “giving up the money was hard. Giving up the label and the prestige was harder.”

I also found encouragement in the essays by the women who continued to work, or work part time, or had to go back to work because of losing a spouse or their husband losing his job. They talked about how elusive balance is, and how they enjoy their work yet have a hard time knowing that they are mommy tracked. I appreciate the feelings of enjoying getting to be around adults and wear work clothes and feel accomplishment, because that’s how I feel when I work too. I loved what one mother who had worked and not worked in various arrangements for over 30 years said: “I feel that I have been living life on a tightrope, suspended high above the ground, and, more often than not, way off balance. If it appears that I have walked this tightrope with ease and tranquility, then it is an illusion. Balancing the roles of wife, mother and professional has never been easy for me. I have worked hard, tried to accept my failures with as much grace as possible, celebrated my successes as they have come, and all the while continued to learn – and accept – that I can’t do it all.”

Torn is not a prescriptive parenting book, or one that offers easy answers. Rather, it’s a good encouragement to be thoughtful about who you are and how you approach your life and your mothering, and a good way to challenge yourself to be more empathetic to women who make different choices than you have.

{Read more of my reviews at A Spirited Mind.}

[Mandy Petrocelli · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe if I had read this a few years ago, it would have been more meaningful. Not that I couldn't identify with the writer who describes the guilt she feels for hiding in a closet with the door closed to complete a phone call with a client in peace, while her toddler wails outside the closed door. But I am just not as conflicted about my choice to work full-time outside the home as I once was.

For one, living where I live, working is a financial necessity. Secondly, I love my job. It is interesting, fun, I get to socialize with lots of like-minded adults, and I'm good at it. My job is MUCH easier than raising two very small children full-time. I have made my peace with having my kids in daycare (or school or camp) for many hours of the day. That is not to say I do not still feel guilty occasionally. I surely do. The point is, I found nothing in this book that was terribly moving, inspiring or thought-provoking. As I read it, I could only think, "yeah, been there, done that."'

[Literary Mama]

Torn presents a smart, funny, and occasionally harrowing compendium of essays that gives voice to the joys but also the frustrations of motherhood - to uglier moments when women feel literally and figuratively torn between conflicting demands of home and work, between motherhood and career. Witness "Letter to My Daughter," where Katherine Shaver, a Washington Post staff writer, discovers a post-it note reading "Der Mommy I dont lik you anemor" affixed by her six-year-old to her rear end, or Darcy Mayers, who in "Confessions of a Crazy Mommy" gives in to a blinding rage and realizes that her life has been hijacked by "naughty loudmouth kids who are not my career or my job and not my diploma and not even me."

Read Literary Mama's full review here: http://www.literarymama.com/reviews/a...

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the book because I felt like these women understand me (since a lot of them are in the same position as me: working from home and watching the kids full time, trying to do 40 hours of work and 168 hours of mothering a week, etc). I thought they should have had something from career women who gave up the career to be at home. I know it is about people who are in careers, but you can choose one and still be torn. There were some by women who choose career full time and were torn... anyway, I liked it.

[Kathryn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the essay format of this book. I also enjoyed the war-stories of motherhood. However, I didn't like the way that Stay at Home Moms are portrayed. Many of the moms in this book think that SAHMs are red-hot messes, complete w/sweatpants, no regard of how they look each day, and are in deep despair b/c they've "opted out" of working. That's not true of most SAHMs. The book got a little boring after a while b/c the complaints from working moms were all pretty much the same. "No one told me that I couldn't have it all...." etc.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some highs and lows, which I guess is what motherhood is all about. I enjoyed most of the essays but I guess I was expecting to leave the book with a greater since of kinship with these women and more optimism in general. It was worth the read though. Especially since I could pick it up sporadically over a long period of time without forgetting where I left off since all of the essays were fairly short.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing new here, same stories (these are all well written) of conflict that have been told over and over. Most of these seem to be the work of English majors from Princeton -- only occasionally did I hear my own voice. Still, it was a compelling read and a comfort to feel like I am not the only one struggling with the conflict of finding balance between career and motherhood.