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An Uncertain Inheritance: Writers on Caring for Family
In this eloquent collection of essays—from the editor of the national bestseller Unholy Writers on Depression—contributors reveal their experiences in caring for family through illness and deathToday, thirty million people look after frail family members in their own homes. This number will increase drastically over the next decade—as baby boomers tiptoe toward old age; as soldiers return home from war wounded, mentally and physically; as a growing number of Americans find themselves caught between the needs of elderly parents and young children; as medical advances extend lives and health insurance fails to cover them. This compelling book offers both literary solace and guidance to the people who find themselves witness to—and participants in—the fading lives of their intimates.
Some of the country's most accomplished writers offer frank insights and revelations about this complex relationship. Julia Glass describes the tension between giving care—to her two young sons—and needing care after being diagnosed with breast cancer; Ann Harleman explores her decision to place her husband in an institution; Sam Lipsyte alternates between dark humor and profound understanding in telling the story of his mother's battle with cancer; Ann Hood wishes she'd had more time as a caregiver, to prepare herself for the loss of her daughter; Andrew Solomon examines the humbling experience of returning as an adult to be cared for by his father; cartoonist Stan Mack offers an illustrated piece about the humor and hell of making his way through the medical bureaucracy alongside his partner, Janet; Julia Alvarez writes about the competition between her and her three sisters to be the best daughter as they tend to their ailing parents. An Uncertain Inheritance examines the caregiving relationship from every angle—children caring for parents; parents caring for children; sib-lings, spouses, and close friends, all looking after one another—to reveal the pain, intimacy, and grace that take place in this meaningful connection.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published November 13, 2007
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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
July 25, 2008
Opend my eyes to the truth of actually having to constantly subject or avoid someone who is dying or needs immediate care. It made me realize the psychological demands being cared for have. I highly enjoyed the compilation from so many different perspectives. There were many aspects that crossed over from story to story. These stories were very sobering to the reality and truth of dying.
January 8, 2009
As a longtime caregiver, I read this book hoping to find some comfort, but, I found the book a very disturbing reminder of much that I have already put behind me. Still, the writing is all vivid and some of it is searingly honest, and, all in all, I'm glad I read it. It's unsettling, though, definitely.
July 12, 2011
Collection of short stories about being a caregiver-- mother/child, spouse/spouse, child/parent, etc. Some were better than others, but nothing great.
October 30, 2015
I think anyone with a family or a friend, should read this book. It provides some incredible perspective and points of view many never get to consider. I might increase my rating.
February 27, 2020
This collection of essays contains powerful, emotional, vivid, personal, and talented writing. We are all going to leave this world at some point but often in our society we totally avoid the subjects of illness and death. I loved the frankness of these writers and I appreciated their vulnerability in sharing their challenging end-of-life experiences. Rarely have I read a collection where all of the entries are equally strong and powerful and yet so very different. From a mother losing her young child, to caring for family members with chronic conditions, to the journey through cancer, and the devastation of dementia, the challenges and suffering are widely different and yet there are elements of similarity. I was nurtured by these essays, finding comfort in knowing that others have walked similar paths to my own and thus I understand that I have never been alone. I grew from reading these essays, gaining compassion for conditions like autism, understanding the loss of autonomy that comes with being "the patient", and grasping the pain of watching the person you love have a personality change as a result of an accident or illness. A devastating, yet beautiful, collection that is not to be missed. There were many memorable quotes, but I believe this is my favorite:
"I've heard that it's perfectly natural to remember a dead loved one once or even several times a day for the rest of your life. Yet many people over time begin to feel indulgent for doing so. They begin to worry that it means they're not letting go, moving on with their lives. Much needless guilt and suppression can result. Ironically, at the same time, it's perfectly normal, after only a few short years, to begin to forget exactly what the loved one looked like at the end of life. You always remember the person's essence and personality, the spirit . . ." p. 162
"I've heard that it's perfectly natural to remember a dead loved one once or even several times a day for the rest of your life. Yet many people over time begin to feel indulgent for doing so. They begin to worry that it means they're not letting go, moving on with their lives. Much needless guilt and suppression can result. Ironically, at the same time, it's perfectly normal, after only a few short years, to begin to forget exactly what the loved one looked like at the end of life. You always remember the person's essence and personality, the spirit . . ." p. 162
November 7, 2021
It's so nice to find honest portraits of caregivers and the thoughts we keep to ourselves and our therapists. It's a raw, unvarnished, inescapable mess which opens up the least desirable sides of humanity (as does any stressful ongoing event). Highly recommend for everyone, whether you want to find someone saying "me, too" or have been lucky enough to avoid caregiving thus far. We can wax poetic all day about the joys and rewards of caregiving, but ultimately it demands sacrifices few would volunteer for.
March 16, 2019
I was drawn into the experience of each author of these essays. I am glad there are so many essays and perspectives and grateful, too, for the broad range of experiences described. We will all, likely, give and all, likely, receive care of family members and friends. The sharing of experience is both poignant and useful. It’s amazing to have such good writing in the essays with all but one hitting home.
August 20, 2022
Well written, interesting range of writers.
First edition published in 2007.
Some of this is dated, but overall an insightful and
valuable read.
First edition published in 2007.
Some of this is dated, but overall an insightful and
valuable read.
August 26, 2019
Some beautiful and powerful stories, but damn it was quite depressing.
May 31, 2016
Really good book. Each short memoir was an interesting true story of being a caregiver or or being cared for.
Meaningful to me passages:
page 32 "My Other Husband" by Ann Harleman: "Now I can see that going into the nursing home not only saved Bruce's life but his spirit. And not only his but mine. At the time, though, there was no promise of this, or even hope of it.
There was the terrible aloneness of making the decision. I kept picking up the phone to call someone and talk it over, then realizing the person I wanted to talk to was Bruce.
There was emptying the house, dismantling twenty years of a life together. The day and a half I spent weeping while I unscrewed grab bars all over the house, feeling each room release Bruce and go slack.
There was the hunger strike Bruce went on his first day at Tockwotton, disconnecting his feeding tube and refusing to talk to anyone, even me.
There were the nights in my bare new apartment when I slept with the phone on the other pillow, so that I could meet Bruce in the ER whenever he had a crisis. And the nights when I didn't sleep at all, wondering what on earth I had done.
page 73 "Caring Across Borders" by Julia Alvarez: "In fact, that Shakespeare play, King Lear, has come to mean more and more to me as my family enters this caretaking stage of our lives. The old can be as demanding and peevish as children, and as with children, we must set limits in order to curb the understandable self-centeredness of those who are needy, often sick, lonely, and powerless. By the same token, compassion flows out to them. Do we haggle over how much they need? "O, reason not the need," King Lear cries out to one of his daughters who promised him everything but now quibbles over each thing he asks for. Though I've tried to be clear with myself about what I can reasonably give my parents, when I hear their frail voices on the other end of the phone, the heart floods with feeling, and I yearn to give myself over to them."
Page 74 (same story): "In fact it's my mother who more and more is the little girl with four mamas, each one trying to figure out how to be the best caretaker she can be. How to work in concert when the balance that is right for one sister might not work for another? No one can make that judgment for me, not even my husband, whose reasoned German Lutheran approach I've tried to emulate, only to end up dissolving into my own messy Caribbean self. What seems an unbearable sacrifice or too great a demand to one might be another's wish or desire or need. I recall how the third sister recently told my husband that she would be going down every few weeks to check in on my parents. My husband responded that there was no need to be a sacrificial lamb.
"That's insulting!" my sister told him. "It's my privilege to go down."
Where do I stand? Somewhere between these two -- I won't call them extremes but poles of how to take care of our viejitos.
Sometimes I am more Cordelia. Sometimes a chip off the old Latina familia."
Meaningful to me passages:
page 32 "My Other Husband" by Ann Harleman: "Now I can see that going into the nursing home not only saved Bruce's life but his spirit. And not only his but mine. At the time, though, there was no promise of this, or even hope of it.
There was the terrible aloneness of making the decision. I kept picking up the phone to call someone and talk it over, then realizing the person I wanted to talk to was Bruce.
There was emptying the house, dismantling twenty years of a life together. The day and a half I spent weeping while I unscrewed grab bars all over the house, feeling each room release Bruce and go slack.
There was the hunger strike Bruce went on his first day at Tockwotton, disconnecting his feeding tube and refusing to talk to anyone, even me.
There were the nights in my bare new apartment when I slept with the phone on the other pillow, so that I could meet Bruce in the ER whenever he had a crisis. And the nights when I didn't sleep at all, wondering what on earth I had done.
page 73 "Caring Across Borders" by Julia Alvarez: "In fact, that Shakespeare play, King Lear, has come to mean more and more to me as my family enters this caretaking stage of our lives. The old can be as demanding and peevish as children, and as with children, we must set limits in order to curb the understandable self-centeredness of those who are needy, often sick, lonely, and powerless. By the same token, compassion flows out to them. Do we haggle over how much they need? "O, reason not the need," King Lear cries out to one of his daughters who promised him everything but now quibbles over each thing he asks for. Though I've tried to be clear with myself about what I can reasonably give my parents, when I hear their frail voices on the other end of the phone, the heart floods with feeling, and I yearn to give myself over to them."
Page 74 (same story): "In fact it's my mother who more and more is the little girl with four mamas, each one trying to figure out how to be the best caretaker she can be. How to work in concert when the balance that is right for one sister might not work for another? No one can make that judgment for me, not even my husband, whose reasoned German Lutheran approach I've tried to emulate, only to end up dissolving into my own messy Caribbean self. What seems an unbearable sacrifice or too great a demand to one might be another's wish or desire or need. I recall how the third sister recently told my husband that she would be going down every few weeks to check in on my parents. My husband responded that there was no need to be a sacrificial lamb.
"That's insulting!" my sister told him. "It's my privilege to go down."
Where do I stand? Somewhere between these two -- I won't call them extremes but poles of how to take care of our viejitos.
Sometimes I am more Cordelia. Sometimes a chip off the old Latina familia."
October 29, 2008
This book is depressing, but it is supposed to be. It is compilation of short stories written by people who are required to care for loved ones who are aging and deteriorating, or suffering from a disability of some sort. If you are not currently caring for a loved one, this book is a picture into your future. It made me wonder how I will cope with the responsibility.
December 20, 2007
heart wrenching true life experiences written by writers who have been caregivers to loved ones. All the stories are different and the experiences are very personal. This book can help someone faced with illness or loss.
March 29, 2008
some absolutely amazing heart-breaking stories including one by a korean-american guy caring for his father in florida. and an absolutely hilarious story by a lawyer/writer in new york about her mother.
February 20, 2009
Thoroughly sad (and seriously NOT for those who easily turn to contemplating their own mortality), but otherwise an excellent collection of essays on the grief, futility, and unceasing work of caregiving and living through a loved one's pain.
May 1, 2009
I liked the variety, ranging from care-givers to those receiving care, from family to friends to others, as well as the variety of styles of writing. Much of the book was painful to read, yet this is the reality of the subject. Perhaps the book tilted a bit much to the most difficult situations.
September 27, 2011
Each of the essays brought up different aspect of giving or receiving care. "Planet Autism" made me think the most of any of the stories.
This book is not an easy read, but at some time most of us will either be a caregiver or need someone's care, so it is a timely topic that deserves attention.
This book is not an easy read, but at some time most of us will either be a caregiver or need someone's care, so it is a timely topic that deserves attention.
January 18, 2008
Case histories of people dealing with loved ones who are dying and how they cared for them up until the end.
February 19, 2008
Great book. Essays about caregiving in different situations. Read the library copy but liked it so well I bought a used copy from Amazon
July 4, 2008
This is a collection of stories about caregiving. It was a surprisingly engrossing read.
July 10, 2008
give of yourself
Want to Read
January 3, 2010I am hopping around these essays/stories...
April 25, 2012
Excellent, especially for those entering the world of the caregiver, or being cared for. Moving and insightful.
September 21, 2015
Excellent collection of memoirs that makes this book your friend, with real life examples of family caregivers
July 15, 2008
This is an absolutely amazing book.
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews