The Enneagram in Marriage: Your Guide to Thriving Together in Your Unique Pairing

by Christa Hardin

Most books exploring the Enneagram are focused on understanding oneself. But how does the Enneagram lend insight to our relationships? Specifically, your relationship with your spouse and the unique pairing you share?

In this incredibly practical and easy-to-understand book, counselor and psychologist Christa Hardin combines her expertise in psychological assessment and marriage and family counseling to explore all 45 possible Enneagram pairings in relationships. She calls it the Enneagram Glow--the unique, mutual influence of two types in intimate relationship across the seasons and shifts that every couple experiences. She helps you learn to

· understand your partner's emotions and reactions
· extend more grace to your partner and yourself
· have productive conversations that foster connection
· build a legacy together with intention

You've never read a relationship book or an Enneagram book like this before! Discover how you and your partner can build on your shared gifts, overcome the shadows, and shine a bright and beautiful light on each other and everyone you encounter.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships

275 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 3, 2023

Reviews

[Adam Jarvis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Better than a typical marriage book.

If you’re already familiar with the enneagram, this is an amazing resource that goes so much deeper than the typical “guys are like this, girls are like that… except for the ones that aren’t….” books.

I wouldn’t recommend this to a couple who isn’t very well versed in the enneagram, as it can be overwhelming. But for those who love the enneagram, and want to learn to love their spouse well, this is pure gold.

[Jennifer Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

“The Enneagram in Marriage: Your Guide to Thriving Together in your Unique Pairing” is such a comprehensive guide for couples to learn more about themselves and each other. This is a great resource for all ages and stages of marriage from premarital/engaged couples to long married couples.

Whether you are new to the Enneagram or not, this book is for you! This book takes you through the nine Enneagram types and helps you to figure out your own. If you are more familiar with the Enneagram than this book takes you deep, teaching the reader how to use this knowledge to advance their personal growth and development.

While the title indicates that there is a specific guide to “thriving in your unique pairing,” this isn’t just a book about specific pairs. At the end of the book, there is the “glow pairing dictionary” that contains all of the forty-five different pairings, giving readers better insight into their specific pair. However, that aside, each chapter walks you through how to use your Enneagram knowledge in your marriage including different levels of health, balancing instincts, addressing conflict, vices and virtues, and so much more.

This book is incredibly in-depth and very relatable with personal stories woven throughout. It is also very practical with suggestions on how to use the book, as well as questions at the end of each chapter to use with your spouse or in a small group study. These questions encourage not only better understanding, but also emotional connection and conversation.

As a marriage coach, I look forward to recommending this book to couples who are looking for a resource to help grow their marriage, as well as those who need support in saving it. Personally, I know this book will be an excellent resource for my own marriage, as well as my church community. This is a Christian marriage book with references to God throughout; however, it is not overdone and therefore, could be read and used by non-Christians as well. I have found the material and research incredibly on-point and will not hesitate to recommend it to others!

[Camden Morgante · Rating 5 out of 5]

Christa Hardin’s podcast, Enneagram + Marriage, is a wealth of knowledge and resources to strengthen your marriage. Her book, The Enneagram in Marriage, extends that knowledge as a comprehensive guide to thriving in your marriage’s pairing. Christa helps you find your “enneagram glow” as a couple, the unique light you bring to the world as your enneagram types combine.

I have read many enneagram books, including several on the enneagram in marriage and relationships, and this one is by far the most helpful and comprehensive. As someone who has an “intermediate” level of knowledge when it comes to the enneagram, most books are too beginner for me and just repeat the basic information I already know. This one extended my learning, as it dives in deep into the centers of intelligence, instincts, and harmonic triad, and applies those concepts to marriage. The Glow Pairing Dictionary at the end of the book contains a “mini treatment plan” for all 45 type pairings. My husband and I laughed (and cringed) as we read some of the descriptions of our types and our pairing.

The Enneagram in Marriage is an invaluable resource for couples looking to take their enneagram game to the next level. It will help you understand your unique vices and virtues and how those interact with your spouse’s type so you can share your gifts with the world.

[Katy Beckham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Christa provides an illustrative understanding of how the Enneagram plays out in real life with real people. It is presented as a collection of vivid stories but as useful (or perhaps more so) than any Enneagram primer I've come across, combining so much wisdom of couples counseling with the Enneagram.

Reading this book, I felt love emanating from the pages, an openness and understanding towards one another, and proactive love instead of reactive and defensive. There was emphasis on loving one another and less focus on self. Practicality, captivating storytelling, and wisdom from years of lived experience as a couple’s counselor culminated into an incredibly helpful work of art in the Enneagram community. For having virtually no marriage therapy experience and communication issues of my own, by the end of the book I truly felt like I had enough information to attempt working through a hurt with my spouse and the tools to help support them when navigating life's low times by using the models and structures for moving through the work and calls to actions in each chapter to get the conversation going. The book also helped me to assign words to feelings so I could in turn help my spouse understand me better also.

Christa's heart for God also flowed through the pages and touched my soul. The book discusses hurts and wounds but also beautifully weaves in hope in the form of God's promises to us and ways he is there to give support to us also. She uses the Enneagram to allow for deeper understanding and cultivation of empathy for one another, as an aid to help the spouse feel understood and heard, a safe ground to open up to intimate dialogue with each other. This book helped me to fall more in love with my spouse by pointing out their gifts and humanizing both of us, offering grace and love from God so we can in turn offer that to each other and ourselves, fully showing up to life.

Chapter 8 was incredibly special to me and so lovingly written. It was encouraging but realistic, reminding us of the big picture of marriage and of life. Life is indeed both hard AND beautiful, long, AND short, bitter, AND sweet. Something to be cherished most definitely.

[Ariel Curry · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a total reboot for relationships - and although it's primarily for marriages, the advice and guidance in here is so helpful for friends, family members, coworkers, and children - basically, anyone you have to interact with regularly! I loved the more holistic emphasis on the triads and instincts, which play a much bigger role in how we think/act and may be even more helpful than just knowing someone's Enneagram number! Most of all, this book continued to challenge my own understanding of myself and how I show up in so many areas of my life, asking me to reflect more deeply on my vices and virtues.

Side note: I also appreciated the new perspective on how beautiful it is when we allow the people around us to influence us and find a unique "glow" altogether. So as a 9 who spends a lot of time with an 8 and several 5s, I've become a more 5-ish and 8-ish 9 than other 9s might be. 9s are usually criticized for merging, but this helped me to see the benefits of how we can lean into the strengths of the people around us!

[Tessa R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you ever wondered why you have consistent patterns of viewing yourself and others? Have you ever asked, “Why do I continue to find myself in this situation?” If so, this book will be like finding buried treasure!! Christa Hardin is a master at explaining and exploring the fascinating and complex world of human interaction in relationships. Although the focus of the book is thriving together with your partner, anyone that wants to grow in self awareness and have more healthy connections with family, friends and colleagues will want to read this book.

[Melissa Morrissey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very good book. If you do enneagram work this is a good, practical book in how to apply that to your marriage. I enjoyed the book very much.

[Lia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super insightful! Do not recommend the audiobook though, it was rough. My husband thought it was AI the entire time and we had to listen to it on 1.75 speed 💀

[Caleb · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing and is exactly what is needed in the context of marriage, improving it, saving it, and protecting it. The value of the book also isn’t just in the context of marriage, it’s within any relationship of consequence where the outcomes and the people matter. Including yourself.

Consider it the definitive all-in-one Enneagram introduction to expert level course. You’ll know enough to diagnose and improve your own life, and you’ll learn plenty to help improve the life of your spouse.

That said, if one were to use the text through the lens of workplace or volunteer space, and they bothered to do the homework to identify tritype, subtype/instinct, growth/disintegration arrow and more for all the important people in one’s life, you rapidly learn that you can unlock goodness in any pairing (and understanding of all these other crazy people) so long as you do the homework of identifying, then processing through the complete framework person by person.

This is how I use Christa Hardin’s content beyond my own complex relationship dynamics. I actually use this content as if it’s Enneagram in Employment For Profit and Not. I use it for complex church dynamics that often glorify the gut and heart triads while stifling the head triad. The struggle is real. Is there a place for me in the church?

As to does everyone need this content? The answer is yes! This content is so exhaustive, yet accessible, it could benefit even the most anti marriage activist. The research and analysis and synthesis is real.

And don’t let the cover fool you. This book is for dudes. I need everything in here for being a husband, father, son, friend. And how to figure out what’s going on with my wife. ROFL!

738 wing 68, heavily integrated 5, self preservation/sexual/social instinct. All of which I did not know until this content was created by Christa Hardin. What an amazing work. ESTP.

[Ethan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Enneagram remains a hot commodity in many Christian circles, and for understandable reasons: it seems to work for people. It does seem to capture something about the various ways in which different people are “wired” to think, feel, and act. In The Enneagram in Marriage: Your Guide to Thriving Together in Your Unique Pairing (galley received as part of early review program), Christa Hardin works to encourage people in relationships to come to a better understanding and working relationship with their spouses in terms of the Enneagram system.

The author does well in making it clear how no matter where one lands on the Enneagram, they can cultivate and enjoy a healthy relationship with a partner no matter what number that partner might be.

The author also speaks of relational phases in terms of glow, fading, glowing again, afterglow, etc., recognizing how relationships ebb and flow through various times and trials. The author considers the differing Enneagram types and how each are generally conditioned, how they respond in personal and/or relational stress, and the times and ways in which they might be destructive in their behaviors. She considers the differing instincts of each type and how they manifest themselves in relationships. She considers the fundamental types of “vices” and “virtues” for each type and how they display in relationships. Throughout she gives counsel regarding how the partner of each type should react and respond. Toward the end she provides counsel and encouragement for each potential type pair in terms of the way forward for them.

There are other resources which would probably be good to first consider in order to get an introduction to the Enneagram itself, but in terms of applying wisdom of the Enneagram to relationships, this represents a good and helpful resource.

[Christine Franzon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a good resource to have on hand. It is packed with information on the Enneagram and how couples as well as individuals can use it to heal and grow themselves and their marriages. I will definitely reach for this book again!

I found it to be encouraging and empowering. Christa’s voice cheers the reader on throughout the book extending grace and compassion and gently teaching the reader to do the same for themselves and their spouse. Many times I flipped a page with a rising sense of hope for marriages and the precious people (ALL of us at times!) who are struggling. All is not lost. In almost every circumstance there is some movement that can be attempted or awareness that can be experienced and processed, and this practical book provides a solid explanation of the Enneagram to help individuals and couples take steps. Don’t forget to celebrate those baby steps!

It is realistic. The Enneagram is a tool, and as Christa says, “[The Enneagram] can’t be God to you or for you.” Change requires work. Healing requires awareness, and the Enneagram can help us with these bit by bit with “small, intentional steps” over time. She is very clear that each person is different and not one of us is the same even if our numbers, wings and instincts line up. Therefore the Enneagram can help wake us up to what’s really going on inside and approach ourselves and spouses with curiosity, grace and growing understanding. We can awaken to the gold inside of us and our spouse together in order to allow our marriage to truly shine!

[Bonnie · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are married, you need this insight! Christa put together an excellent book based on the premise of her podcast content and her years of expertise in marriage counseling. Its emphasis is how we as a couple have the ability to GLOW with a light that only our two personalities blending together can bring to the world. There's also a breakdown of the different stages marriages will go through time and time again. She goes in-depth into how it plays out when there are shadows unique to your pairing and how they can be noted and slowly overcome. The book is very conversational and introduces the Enneagram in an understandable way whether you are new to this personality tool or have a deep understanding of it. There is so much depth to what is in this book! Chapter 7 in particular holds such a specific example of attachment wounds with each other and how that is seen in our shadows. She writes giving a lot of clarification of how it looks and the "behind the scenes" of what is happening. This is the real struggle of marriage. It is possible to do the work and understand how to move forward and thrive! There are really good question prompts at the end of each chapter as well. If you want to know yourself better and invest in your marriage, grab a copy of this book!

[Bina]

Whether you have never heard of the enneagram or are a longtime student, this humble, hopeful, practical, informative book invites couples to recognize their unique light and shadows as individuals and as a couple, to grow in these areas together, and to shine brightly together in ways that radiate healing and flourishing on an individual level, couple level, familial level, community level and out into the world. With research, clarity and accessibility, Christa effectively describes the enneagram system and how it can help individuals and couples better understand themselves and their relational dynamics with compassion that leads to empathy and growth. With integrity and vulnerability, Christa leads by example, showing the reader ways that light and shadow have played out in her own life and relationship through the beauty and challenges of her own unique enneagram type and pairing in marriage. She implicitly and explicitly offers hope that there is beauty and a growth path for ALL types and pairings. Christa’s book lays out a helpful roadmap and practical tools to grow up together with intentionality. As a person, as a partner, and as a couple’s therapist, I’m so grateful for this new growth tool.

[Alicia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is invaluable and is going to improve the lives of couples everywhere. It's like getting to have a private marriage coaching or enneagram coaching session with Christa, but all for just the small price of a book.

Christa leads you on a page-turning journey to understanding both yourself and your partner in a deeper way than you ever have before. She keeps you focused on the growth opportunities you have access to in building a stronger, more grace-filled intentional relationship.

This book is a healing tool, a beacon of hope and an exploration into the hearts and minds of your loved ones.

Christa has the warmth of a best friend who deeply cares about the challenges you are facing and wants to help you discover the healthiest version of yourself. She helps you redefine your marriage mission and see the gifts that each of you bring into the relationship.

[Rebecca J. Larson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an incredibly useful book in the correct context and a dangerous book in the wrong one.

For a couple in which chronic abuse is NOT present this book is very helpful in my opinion.

As I was reading the different pairings I could also see its use in friendship as well.

Now if there is a couple with chronic abuse than this book becomes incredibly problematic on its own. Those in such situations could easily justify unacceptable behavior attributing such behavior to them just being a unhealthy version of their Enneagram number. If this book is to be used I suggest reading it alongside other books such as "Why does he do that understanding a angry and controlling men" as well as others which will round out the perspective.

[Rachel Kessler · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an Enneagram enthusiast, I found Christa’s way of illustrating the specific, practical wisdom of the Enneagram to be helpful, enlightening and uplifting both in my own personal growth work and for my marriage and other relationships. I loved the way she incorporated her knowledge as a marriage therapist for over two decades with using the amazing tool of the Enneagram. Her book is accessible and helpful for an Enneagram newbie as well. I especially loved how Christa used her own personal stories and those of couples she has worked with to illustrate the concepts. I felt seen and encouraged to grow and “glow”. Highly recommend!!!

[Jessica Vangsnes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Christa does a beautiful job of helping couples to discover their unique ways of showing up to life and relationships! This book is a God send for couples needing to “do the work” of relating to one another. I highly recommend this book used in a community and a variety of conversations around personality in relationships. I am eager to see all the marriages and relationships impacted by this book.

[Elizabeth Blood · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so grateful for “The Enneagram in Marriage” — it is an outstanding resource! Relatable and and engaging, it is also full of wisdom and insight. This book will be useful to readers new to the Enneagram as well as more seasoned practitioners. I have been studying the Enneagram for a few years and it has helped me enormously in understanding myself and my loved ones. I have learned a lot from this practical and encouraging book and give my highest recommendation!

[Lindsey Simmons · Rating 5 out of 5]

Christa masterfully explored all elements of the Enneagram. Most books do not discuss all the different aspects. I enjoyed reading about the subtypes and Harmonic groups, which are not explored very often. Her examples of each type in every chapter were helpful. I loved the explanation of each of the pairings at the end of the book. This is a great book to read all the way through or pick it up as a reference for specific topics.

[Meredith Boggs · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Enneagram in Marriage is the guidebook every couple needs in their relationship. With practical insights and tools, you and your partner will discover how to overcome obstacles you encounter based on your typing, understand and connect better with one another, how to used your unique gifts as a couple and bolster one another in your journey though life.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a huge fan of the Enneagram and am quite familiar with both my type and my husband's, so I was very excited to read this book. What I really appreciated about Christa's work is the specific pairing description of our types together in marriage. The information is insightful, helpful, and laid out very clearly.

Thank you NetGalley and Baker Books for the ARC of this book in exchange for my honest review.

[Kate Hallock · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book and I see my relationship more clearly because of it! A truly informative look into each number and it’s relational pairings through the lens of a therapist.

[Pamela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Awesome

Goodreads giveaway win

[Merideth Estevez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gave us so much to talk about! Highly recommend! Christa is a kind and loving voice!

[Alison Dwire · Rating 4 out of 5]

good read, much easier to follow when your partner has done it and you know which your partner is as well. I like this more than "your love language".

[Valerie Contreras · Rating 5 out of 5]

I deeply regret not reading this sooner! I’m happy that I finally got to read it and the narrator did an amazing job. I found this to be very thorough and meticulous. While I’m not married, I found this to be very helpful especially with my relationship. I understood myself and my partner a lot better. It really helped me put things into perspective.

I definitely recommend this book to everyone and hopefully it will help them as much as it helped me!

Thank you to the author, the publisher, and NetGalley for this e-ARC.

[Brittany · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The Enneagram in Marriage" intertwines the complexities of marriage with the profound insights of the enneagram.

What sets this book apart is its ability to cater to a broad audience—from those new to the enneagram to seasoned enthusiasts. The introductory chapters provide a clear and concise overview of the enneagram, making it accessible to readers of all backgrounds.

The book not only equips couples with the tools to navigate challenges but also celebrates the unique strengths that each Enneagram type brings to a partnership. The book then guides couples toward a deeper understanding of themselves and their partners, fostering an environment where growth and transformation can flourish...or as the book puts it "glow".

The Enneagram in Marriage is a must-read for anyone seeking to deepen their connection with their spouse and enhance the overall quality of their marriage.

[Bill Fix · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enneagram in Marriage is a great read for couples. Christa Hardin's book is a great tool for understanding each other better. I think of it as a marriage vitamin.