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184 pages, Paperback
Published January 1, 1989
Well, maybe there were some women and children. I know there were. But you can't stop shooting at terrorists if there are women and children there, because then you'd never win the war.
"And I fought and killed, sometimes I tortured and murdered, often I burnt and destroyed. But we never thought too much about it. By we, I mean those of us on the ground, those of us doing the fighting and killing, those of us being killed. There wasn't any careful ideology presented to us to fight for, not really. Not in the way that the enemy fought for an ideal, a principle. We were very very carefully kept away from such things, such dangerous things as debate and critical thought."
He turns to the girl.
"We were given no opposing ideology, no opposing set of values, no principled reason for fighting.
(…)
It wasn't the effect on the child's mother. It wasn't that child's mangled body or the ridiculousness in death of his new shoes. The horror was that I felt nothing, absolutely nothing for that boy, his mother, or her grief. The horror was that in order to 'preserve the standards', 'maintain civilised rule', 'stop the evils of Communism', in order to do all this, I had to lose my humanity. Totally."
The soldier straightens up.
"I never felt emotion again. Not anger, not fear, not love, not hate. Nothing, nothing to this day. Do you have any idea, any idea at all, what nothing feels like?"