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In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time
Based on a popular New York Times Op-Ed piece, this is the quirky, heartfelt account of one man's quest to meet his neighbors--and find a sense of community. **As seen in Parade, USA Today, The Washington Post, The Chicago Sun-Times, and more.**Winner of the Zocalo Square Book Prize, and recently named a first selection by Action Book Club. "It's impossible to read this book without feeling the urge to knock on neighbors' doors." -Chicago Sun-Times Journalist and author Peter Lovenheim lived on the same street in suburban Rochester, NY, most of his life. But it was only after a brutal murder-suicide rocked the community that he was struck by a fact of modern life in this comfortable No one knew anyone else. Thus begins Peter's search to meet and get to know his neighbors. An inquisitive person, he does more than just introduce himself. He asks, ever so politely, if he can sleep over. In this smart, engaging, and deeply felt book, Lovenheim takes readers inside the homes, minds, and hearts of his neighbors and asks a thought-provoking Do neighborhoods matter--and is something lost when we live among strangers?
258 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 5, 2010
43 people are currently reading
931 people want to read
About the author
Peter Lovenheim
12 books19 followersPeter Lovenheim is an author and journalist whose articles and essays have appeared in the New York Times, New York magazine, The Los Angeles Times, Parade, Moment magazine, The Washington Post, and other publications.
His book, In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time, won a Barnes & Noble Discover Award and the First Annual Zócalo Public Square Book Prize.
Lovenheim holds a degree in journalism from Boston University and in law from Cornell Law School. He teaches narrative non-fiction at The Writers Center in Bethesda, MD and splits his time between his hometown of Rochester, NY, and Washington, DC.
His book, In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time, won a Barnes & Noble Discover Award and the First Annual Zócalo Public Square Book Prize.
Lovenheim holds a degree in journalism from Boston University and in law from Cornell Law School. He teaches narrative non-fiction at The Writers Center in Bethesda, MD and splits his time between his hometown of Rochester, NY, and Washington, DC.
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October 7, 2023
Catching up…
This was another Cuesta College community read with the local libraries.
So…
It was inevitable that our Library Book Discussion group would also discuss this.
Interestingly…
The most significant question became…
How many of us, truly knew our neighbors?
I recognized that living and working in my community as long as I did, I didn’t really know my neighbors that well. It wasn’t until I had opened up my Little Free Library Shed years later, and the pandemic hit, and the libraries were closed, that neighbors started coming more to my LFL.
And…
That made it possible for us to…
Talk more to each other.
Why did it take so long?
Because we just were too busy with our lives, and working, and raising families.
And…
In most suburban neighborhoods, that is how life had become.
Lovenheim’s quest to get to know his neighbors was a murder-suicide a few houses away. He wondered if a tragedy could have been prevented if the residents on Sandringham Road had known each other more closely.
One of his ideas to get to know his neighbors was to institute a sleepover.
You know…
The kind of thing best known amongst kids, but now doing it amongst adults. Learning about each other’s families. Of course, not everyone was up for the idea.
Still…
He was curious.
And…
He continued to explore his neighborhood.
And…
As he did…
He would find the professionals, and the one battling cancer.
He even spends time getting to know the street’s mail carrier and the newspaper deliveryman. Each add perspective to how the neighborhood feels.
There is also the “walker” in the neighborhood. What does she see on her daily walks? Why would she not like living there even though she admires the beautiful homes?
And…
Even though it may be an affluent neighborhood, the question becomes, does socio-economic status play a role in lack of neighborliness?
Or…
Are they just too busy, as well?
And then…
There are the dogs of the neighborhood. Of course. How can we not enjoy the special relationships they bring?
The experience of reading such a book, allowed participants to truly appreciate the importance of neighborhoods, and a sense of community.
And…
Taking time to really find out about your neighbor.
And just…
Check in.
We don’t always know what goes on behind closed doors. Who may need our help…or not.
A book worth checking out.
June 11, 2011
In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time (review I wrote for my Book Club)
This is a non-fiction book. The author, Peter Lovenheim, takes action after a tragic murder/suicide in the neighborhood. He wonders if things would have been different if the murder victim had known her neighbors better - would she have sought refuge with them and perhaps been spared? He takes an unusual approach - he asks his neighbors if he can sleep over with them and observe them in their daily routines. As one can imagine, he meets with mixed reactions. After fine tuning his approach, several neighbors agree, and he indeed learns a lot about them and becomes closer to some of them. He finds an unexpected secondary benefit in connecting the neighbors with each other to their mutual benefit. He even gained insight into the neighbors and the general character of the neighborhood by doing 'ride alongs' with the postal carrier and the newspaper carrier.
Some discussion points from the Book Club meeting:
•Why are people less likely to know their neighbors than in the past?
o Homes are built, like in Peter's neighborhood, with large yards (or fences) and no porches.
The structure of the neighborhood does not lend itself to socializing.
o People are busier, women work outside the home, we are a 'car' society
o We have so many other obligations (church, PTA, clubs, etc. ) that we just want to rest
and/or have family time when we are home
•Would Renan, the murder victim, have gotten away from her husband the night of the murder if she
had known her neighbors on either side?
o Most of thought she would have
o Her mother, when asked the same question, said "I suppose so. Don't you think that everyone
really wants to know their neighbor? But that is not how most of us live. We know people,
but we speak superficially. To really know another person takes time, and we are not
willing to do that. But I do believe Bob would have gotten to her eventually."
•Did Lou, the retired doctor, help people as a way of making up for all the time he was away from
his family while he was practicing medicine? Food for thought.
•Is technology helpful or hurtful in building neighborly relationships?
o It can keep us at arms length, because we can send someone an email instead of speaking to
them on the phone or going to their home to give them the information
o It can build a sense of community by letting everyone know what is going on in the
neighborhood. It can help us build a 'virtual' neighborhood of people who don't live near
each other but who have some common interest or common need.
•Who is our neighbor and/or what does it mean to be a neighbor?
o Neighbors are not just the people who live around you - they are also your co-workers,
friends, etc.
o Jesus expanded the concept of neighbor from fellow tribesman to everyone
o You look out for each other and do what you can for each other
o We can see God in the people we meet
o Our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other
o We hire people to do what we used to do with our neighbors ("raise the barn")
•Have you changed your behavior in any way as a result of reading the book?
o K.K. is restarting the Garden Club in her neighborhood
o C is reaching out to a neighbor who rarely participates in "Girl's Night Out" and inviting
her to come
•What is in place in your neighborhood to foster neighborliness?
o K.S. - many activities at the Swim/Tennis club
o K.K. - block party, emails, one main person who is the 'glue' of the neighborhood'
o C - Girls night out, other activities
o I - block party, Cherry Blossom Festival
This is a non-fiction book. The author, Peter Lovenheim, takes action after a tragic murder/suicide in the neighborhood. He wonders if things would have been different if the murder victim had known her neighbors better - would she have sought refuge with them and perhaps been spared? He takes an unusual approach - he asks his neighbors if he can sleep over with them and observe them in their daily routines. As one can imagine, he meets with mixed reactions. After fine tuning his approach, several neighbors agree, and he indeed learns a lot about them and becomes closer to some of them. He finds an unexpected secondary benefit in connecting the neighbors with each other to their mutual benefit. He even gained insight into the neighbors and the general character of the neighborhood by doing 'ride alongs' with the postal carrier and the newspaper carrier.
Some discussion points from the Book Club meeting:
•Why are people less likely to know their neighbors than in the past?
o Homes are built, like in Peter's neighborhood, with large yards (or fences) and no porches.
The structure of the neighborhood does not lend itself to socializing.
o People are busier, women work outside the home, we are a 'car' society
o We have so many other obligations (church, PTA, clubs, etc. ) that we just want to rest
and/or have family time when we are home
•Would Renan, the murder victim, have gotten away from her husband the night of the murder if she
had known her neighbors on either side?
o Most of thought she would have
o Her mother, when asked the same question, said "I suppose so. Don't you think that everyone
really wants to know their neighbor? But that is not how most of us live. We know people,
but we speak superficially. To really know another person takes time, and we are not
willing to do that. But I do believe Bob would have gotten to her eventually."
•Did Lou, the retired doctor, help people as a way of making up for all the time he was away from
his family while he was practicing medicine? Food for thought.
•Is technology helpful or hurtful in building neighborly relationships?
o It can keep us at arms length, because we can send someone an email instead of speaking to
them on the phone or going to their home to give them the information
o It can build a sense of community by letting everyone know what is going on in the
neighborhood. It can help us build a 'virtual' neighborhood of people who don't live near
each other but who have some common interest or common need.
•Who is our neighbor and/or what does it mean to be a neighbor?
o Neighbors are not just the people who live around you - they are also your co-workers,
friends, etc.
o Jesus expanded the concept of neighbor from fellow tribesman to everyone
o You look out for each other and do what you can for each other
o We can see God in the people we meet
o Our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other
o We hire people to do what we used to do with our neighbors ("raise the barn")
•Have you changed your behavior in any way as a result of reading the book?
o K.K. is restarting the Garden Club in her neighborhood
o C is reaching out to a neighbor who rarely participates in "Girl's Night Out" and inviting
her to come
•What is in place in your neighborhood to foster neighborliness?
o K.S. - many activities at the Swim/Tennis club
o K.K. - block party, emails, one main person who is the 'glue' of the neighborhood'
o C - Girls night out, other activities
o I - block party, Cherry Blossom Festival
December 8, 2010
Excellent book about the author's attempt to foster community on his street in suburb of Rochester NY, where he has come back to live as an adult after also growing up in same house. He gets inspired in part by the dissolution of his family through divorce and mainly by a murder-suicide that occurs on their street and the sad realization that the couple was essentially unknown to their neighbors.
The hook is that he tries to get to know people better by arranging to "shadow" them for a day, starting with a sleepover at their houses. As might be expected, about half the stranger/neighbors decline this offer, but the ones he writes up are a diverse and interesting lot. Also profiles the mail carrier and newspaper carrier for the street.
He ends up becoming close to a couple of the neighbors and takes some steps to help foster community among them, notably an old retired widower with a lot to give but no focus for his time and energy, and a woman dying of cancer for whom the author rallies some emotional and practical support from the neighborhood.
Well-written, thoughtful, and I really liked that he went heavy on the personal reflection and observations/interviews, light on the generalizations and official sociology. There's some discussion of how the layout of neighborhoods affects interactions and such, but these detours are brief.
The hook is that he tries to get to know people better by arranging to "shadow" them for a day, starting with a sleepover at their houses. As might be expected, about half the stranger/neighbors decline this offer, but the ones he writes up are a diverse and interesting lot. Also profiles the mail carrier and newspaper carrier for the street.
He ends up becoming close to a couple of the neighbors and takes some steps to help foster community among them, notably an old retired widower with a lot to give but no focus for his time and energy, and a woman dying of cancer for whom the author rallies some emotional and practical support from the neighborhood.
Well-written, thoughtful, and I really liked that he went heavy on the personal reflection and observations/interviews, light on the generalizations and official sociology. There's some discussion of how the layout of neighborhoods affects interactions and such, but these detours are brief.
August 10, 2012
I really enjoyed this book! As someone who always laments the downfall of the local neighborhood, and gets weird looks from his wife when he goes to talk to the neighbors, this book by Peter Lovenheim spoke to me. Its a simple enough read, and doesn't get lost in itself. The author always is reminding you that throughout his sleepovers and conversations with folks on his street he is taking notes for the book you are reading!
Why I would recommend this book to everyone is that it is a simple reminder of how EASY and nice it is to connect with your neighbors. The author really does highlight how we instantly think that our neighbors are boring or we need our privacy - and knowing our neighbors eliminates that. On the contrary as Lovenheim points out, building this local sense of community is what mankind is all about and has been doing for millennia. We are now just to concerned with ourselves. But when tragedy strikes, who can you count on the quickly and compassionately respond - your family 2 hours away, or your neighbor of 10 years right next door?
Why I would recommend this book to everyone is that it is a simple reminder of how EASY and nice it is to connect with your neighbors. The author really does highlight how we instantly think that our neighbors are boring or we need our privacy - and knowing our neighbors eliminates that. On the contrary as Lovenheim points out, building this local sense of community is what mankind is all about and has been doing for millennia. We are now just to concerned with ourselves. But when tragedy strikes, who can you count on the quickly and compassionately respond - your family 2 hours away, or your neighbor of 10 years right next door?
December 26, 2012
Stop for a moment and think about the street you live on or the building in which you live. Who are the people around you? Do you know them? Do you know them well enough to borrow and egg or a cup of sugar if you are caught mid recipe without that one key ingredient? Do you know anyone on your block or in your building well enough to call upon them for assistance in the event of a actual emergency? Now, do you feel that you have at least one or two neighbors who feel comfortable enough around you to ask for such help?
Once upon a time neighborhoods were formed around a common denominator that held the people who lived there together. Perhaps they mainly hailed from the same nation of origin, perhaps they mainly worshipped together in the same parish, perhaps many of them were employed at the same neighborhood plant. I still visit a lot of decaying city neighborhoods that are constructed around a church or an industrial block. Almost a century after most of the life has been sucked out of these places, it is still easy to visualize how they must have worked as close knit communities when they were first constructed. The people who lived there were working class at best and generally required more of a group effort to negotiate the sudden traumas and setbacks of life.
The post war suburban sprawl changed all of this and gave many families their first toe-hold into 'middle class' life. Suddenly, everyone was an independent operator and master of his own split level or ranch. The mid 20th century suburbanites wished to leave the old neighborhood(and its shabby identity) behind and make a fresh start in the wide open 'burbs ...a place where nobody knows your name and you can be whomever you want to be.
Large lots, a lack of side walks, a backyard and basement recreational culture, no front porches and absolutely no public gathering areas became hallmarks of the suburbs of my childhood. It was as if residents were discouraged from venturing forth and meeting one another by design. Everyone had that much vaunted 'privacy'. You met friends at work or at school or through your hobbies and activities. But you were mainly on nodding acquaintances with the people next door. You lived 'as strangers to one another'...polite strangers...but strangers nonetheless.
Peter Lovenheim lived on a nicer street than I did. His home was on Sandringham, one of the most exclusive streets in the Rochester NY suburb of Brighton. His neighbors were doctors and business executives. They could all afford to not know one another. If a service was required, the residents of Sandringham did not really need to barter with a neighbor or ask to borrow a tool or piece of lawn maintenance equipment. They could well afford to purchase their own.
Lovenheim never really wanted to live on this beautiful street as an adult. This was actually the street where he grew up in the 1950s and 1960s. However, when he and his wife were house hunting, the author's parents offered them the home on Sandringham at a price they could not afford to turn down. Thus, Lovenheim returned to the neighborhood of his childhood and began to think more reflectively about life there.
Tragedy struck Sandringham one night out of the blue when a resident went berserk and murdered his wife in their home. The victim, Renan Wills, was a doctor married to a doctor. Outwardly, their life was prosperous and picture perfect. They had two kids, a beautiful home and, seemingly, no problems. But the neighborhood was not privy to the ugly truth...that Bob Wills was falling apart emotionally from stress and that his wife had begun to feel unsafe in her own home. When he started to snap, Renan did not know a neighbor well enough to call. Instead she phoned a close friend who lived in a nearby town. This friend was out of town and did not get Renan's troubled messages in time. Even if she had, it is doubtful that she would have arrived at the Wills' home in time to prevent the murder. Bob Wills shot his wife point blank as she attempted to hole up in the bathroom upstairs. The children were home at the time. The neighbors found out when the two kids ran screaming for their lives down the driveway of their exclusive dream home.
When Lovenheim learned of this event he began to consider the value of neighbors knowing neighbors. If Renan had enjoyed but one close friendship on Sandringham, would she be alive today?
Thus Lovenheim decided to get to know his neighbors, one by one, and document this experience in book form. His intent was to get to know the neighbors in the most intimate setting possible...within the privacy of their own homes. Thus, he proposed a series of 'sleepovers' with several neighbors.
Stop once again and envision your response to this scenario: The guy down the street, of whom you know absolutely nothing, approaches you for a series of interviews about your life and your relationship to your neighborhood. He then tells you that he hopes to culminate this social experiment by sleeping over at your house! (I would guess that almost anyone who was raised as I was in the pathologically private/independent exurban culture would start inching toward the door or the phone in an effort to get this kook off the doorstep.)
Miraculously some of the neighbors acquiesced and Lovenheim got some material for this book.
He focuses on his next door neighbor, Lou. Lou is a widower and former surgeon who has lived in his home since Lovenheim's boyhood on Sandringham. As he gets to know the gruff octogenarian he learns that Lou is a bit more vulnerable than he appears. He misses his wife desperately and tries not to drink too much in the afternoons. When he has a health problem, Lou does not call on a neighbor but, instead, relies upon one of his adult children (the closest living 20 minutes away.) Lovenheim enjoys Lou's company and the two men gradually begin to develop a real friendship that continues after the sleepover takes place.
From here the author goes on to profile a few more neighbors. I believe the book would have been stronger if he had included more variety in his interviews. As it is, he concentrates upon 4 or 5 families. (I am not exactly clear on how many 'sleepovers' Lovenheim actually talked his neighbors into having with him. Perhaps most of the Sandringham residents stopped the process after the initial meet-and-greet/interviews phase.)
However, his book does successfully make its point about the need for real community in our communities. One of the neighbors he does end up befriending is yet another physician-- a radiologist who is fighting a losing battle with breast cancer. Lovenheim's friendship with Patty DiNitto becomes a lifeline for her in her community of strangers. Lovenheim enters her life just in time to help her as she enters her darkest days. And he enlists lonely Lou...(a guy who cannot accept help himself but who takes pride and comfort from assisting others)...to Patty's cause.
The result is a touching story about people who begin as awkward strangers who share nothing but a street address becoming true friends to one another as life deals many of them difficult blows.
Reading In the Neighborhood made me, once again, feel extreme appreciation and gratitude for my own street -- a little piece of a Frank Capra movie set down in the midst of a densely populated inner ring suburb of Cleveland. Yes I know exactly where to go if I need an egg. I have ample shelter if I accidentally lock myself out. We all have front porches and visit on them regularly. We wave and smile as neighbors walk their dogs past our little city front lawns. My daughter and her neighborhood friends have free rein, running through the yards chasing balls. Nobody yells at them. There is a block party that has been happening here annually for 50 years. Some of our neighbors have lived on our street since the mid-1950s. Many of their adult children do move back because they have never found a place they would rather be.
We know how to leave one another alone too.
I do not miss the sterility of my childhood neighborhood and I purposely have sought areas that are eclectic, pedestrian friendly, unpretentious and ...yeah...neighborly. I keep reading articles that indicate that the exurban era is ending and that many people share my attitudes toward the soul deadening generic sprawl. I'll believe that when I see it on a large scale. But, for now, I think of my neighborhood as my little secret. With more books like this one, perhaps the secret will become revealed on a larger scale.
Once upon a time neighborhoods were formed around a common denominator that held the people who lived there together. Perhaps they mainly hailed from the same nation of origin, perhaps they mainly worshipped together in the same parish, perhaps many of them were employed at the same neighborhood plant. I still visit a lot of decaying city neighborhoods that are constructed around a church or an industrial block. Almost a century after most of the life has been sucked out of these places, it is still easy to visualize how they must have worked as close knit communities when they were first constructed. The people who lived there were working class at best and generally required more of a group effort to negotiate the sudden traumas and setbacks of life.
The post war suburban sprawl changed all of this and gave many families their first toe-hold into 'middle class' life. Suddenly, everyone was an independent operator and master of his own split level or ranch. The mid 20th century suburbanites wished to leave the old neighborhood(and its shabby identity) behind and make a fresh start in the wide open 'burbs ...a place where nobody knows your name and you can be whomever you want to be.
Large lots, a lack of side walks, a backyard and basement recreational culture, no front porches and absolutely no public gathering areas became hallmarks of the suburbs of my childhood. It was as if residents were discouraged from venturing forth and meeting one another by design. Everyone had that much vaunted 'privacy'. You met friends at work or at school or through your hobbies and activities. But you were mainly on nodding acquaintances with the people next door. You lived 'as strangers to one another'...polite strangers...but strangers nonetheless.
Peter Lovenheim lived on a nicer street than I did. His home was on Sandringham, one of the most exclusive streets in the Rochester NY suburb of Brighton. His neighbors were doctors and business executives. They could all afford to not know one another. If a service was required, the residents of Sandringham did not really need to barter with a neighbor or ask to borrow a tool or piece of lawn maintenance equipment. They could well afford to purchase their own.
Lovenheim never really wanted to live on this beautiful street as an adult. This was actually the street where he grew up in the 1950s and 1960s. However, when he and his wife were house hunting, the author's parents offered them the home on Sandringham at a price they could not afford to turn down. Thus, Lovenheim returned to the neighborhood of his childhood and began to think more reflectively about life there.
Tragedy struck Sandringham one night out of the blue when a resident went berserk and murdered his wife in their home. The victim, Renan Wills, was a doctor married to a doctor. Outwardly, their life was prosperous and picture perfect. They had two kids, a beautiful home and, seemingly, no problems. But the neighborhood was not privy to the ugly truth...that Bob Wills was falling apart emotionally from stress and that his wife had begun to feel unsafe in her own home. When he started to snap, Renan did not know a neighbor well enough to call. Instead she phoned a close friend who lived in a nearby town. This friend was out of town and did not get Renan's troubled messages in time. Even if she had, it is doubtful that she would have arrived at the Wills' home in time to prevent the murder. Bob Wills shot his wife point blank as she attempted to hole up in the bathroom upstairs. The children were home at the time. The neighbors found out when the two kids ran screaming for their lives down the driveway of their exclusive dream home.
When Lovenheim learned of this event he began to consider the value of neighbors knowing neighbors. If Renan had enjoyed but one close friendship on Sandringham, would she be alive today?
Thus Lovenheim decided to get to know his neighbors, one by one, and document this experience in book form. His intent was to get to know the neighbors in the most intimate setting possible...within the privacy of their own homes. Thus, he proposed a series of 'sleepovers' with several neighbors.
Stop once again and envision your response to this scenario: The guy down the street, of whom you know absolutely nothing, approaches you for a series of interviews about your life and your relationship to your neighborhood. He then tells you that he hopes to culminate this social experiment by sleeping over at your house! (I would guess that almost anyone who was raised as I was in the pathologically private/independent exurban culture would start inching toward the door or the phone in an effort to get this kook off the doorstep.)
Miraculously some of the neighbors acquiesced and Lovenheim got some material for this book.
He focuses on his next door neighbor, Lou. Lou is a widower and former surgeon who has lived in his home since Lovenheim's boyhood on Sandringham. As he gets to know the gruff octogenarian he learns that Lou is a bit more vulnerable than he appears. He misses his wife desperately and tries not to drink too much in the afternoons. When he has a health problem, Lou does not call on a neighbor but, instead, relies upon one of his adult children (the closest living 20 minutes away.) Lovenheim enjoys Lou's company and the two men gradually begin to develop a real friendship that continues after the sleepover takes place.
From here the author goes on to profile a few more neighbors. I believe the book would have been stronger if he had included more variety in his interviews. As it is, he concentrates upon 4 or 5 families. (I am not exactly clear on how many 'sleepovers' Lovenheim actually talked his neighbors into having with him. Perhaps most of the Sandringham residents stopped the process after the initial meet-and-greet/interviews phase.)
However, his book does successfully make its point about the need for real community in our communities. One of the neighbors he does end up befriending is yet another physician-- a radiologist who is fighting a losing battle with breast cancer. Lovenheim's friendship with Patty DiNitto becomes a lifeline for her in her community of strangers. Lovenheim enters her life just in time to help her as she enters her darkest days. And he enlists lonely Lou...(a guy who cannot accept help himself but who takes pride and comfort from assisting others)...to Patty's cause.
The result is a touching story about people who begin as awkward strangers who share nothing but a street address becoming true friends to one another as life deals many of them difficult blows.
Reading In the Neighborhood made me, once again, feel extreme appreciation and gratitude for my own street -- a little piece of a Frank Capra movie set down in the midst of a densely populated inner ring suburb of Cleveland. Yes I know exactly where to go if I need an egg. I have ample shelter if I accidentally lock myself out. We all have front porches and visit on them regularly. We wave and smile as neighbors walk their dogs past our little city front lawns. My daughter and her neighborhood friends have free rein, running through the yards chasing balls. Nobody yells at them. There is a block party that has been happening here annually for 50 years. Some of our neighbors have lived on our street since the mid-1950s. Many of their adult children do move back because they have never found a place they would rather be.
We know how to leave one another alone too.
I do not miss the sterility of my childhood neighborhood and I purposely have sought areas that are eclectic, pedestrian friendly, unpretentious and ...yeah...neighborly. I keep reading articles that indicate that the exurban era is ending and that many people share my attitudes toward the soul deadening generic sprawl. I'll believe that when I see it on a large scale. But, for now, I think of my neighborhood as my little secret. With more books like this one, perhaps the secret will become revealed on a larger scale.
August 2, 2010
I used this book for a freshman composition course that had the theme of "community." In the beginning, the book provides an interesting look into the lives of his previously-unknown neighbors. Lovenheim wants us to feel like we're missing out by being so isolated in our homes, and he does bring up valid points to this end. Namely, we are safer and more efficient if we have proximity-based relationships.
Even with its emphasis on the efficiency and--dare I say it?--quaintness of a neighborhood that actually cares about its residents, the split is evident. After all, there is a reason we no longer care about the people living closest to us, isn't there? In Lovenheim's neighborhood, we get the warm and fuzzies over the caring aspect, but we also get the heebie jeebies over the inevitable quirks and emotional issues that come with relationships that are based on circumstance rather than interest. This is not a criticism of the book; in fact, I'm pleased that Lovenheim didn't gloss over all the unpleasantries of his neighbors.
What kept me from enjoying this more, however, was the lack of content. Around the midpoint and certainly by the last few chapters, it began to feel like Lovenheim was repeating the same ideas. He made progress in his personal life, but the book didn't. I started to think of it as a very long essay that needed a lot of editing.
Even with its emphasis on the efficiency and--dare I say it?--quaintness of a neighborhood that actually cares about its residents, the split is evident. After all, there is a reason we no longer care about the people living closest to us, isn't there? In Lovenheim's neighborhood, we get the warm and fuzzies over the caring aspect, but we also get the heebie jeebies over the inevitable quirks and emotional issues that come with relationships that are based on circumstance rather than interest. This is not a criticism of the book; in fact, I'm pleased that Lovenheim didn't gloss over all the unpleasantries of his neighbors.
What kept me from enjoying this more, however, was the lack of content. Around the midpoint and certainly by the last few chapters, it began to feel like Lovenheim was repeating the same ideas. He made progress in his personal life, but the book didn't. I started to think of it as a very long essay that needed a lot of editing.
August 16, 2010
A sweet account of one man's quest to connect with his neighbors.
May 30, 2019
It left me with a sense of sadness. The author's current neighborhood experience sounds like little has changed there over the years (from what I recall knowing as an outsider - I lived in the same town but a different area.) and the street with large lovely homes on well manicured lots contain people who are too busy and disconnected to create a sense of neighborliness. We used to connect through carpools, school bus stops, paperboys, and lawn care. Now those things have been replaced, leaving people more isolated than ever. It sounded as if the book served as a springboard to get to know his neighbors and without it (and the tragedy that set it all in motion), it might never have happened. Overall, I was left feeling grateful that I've made a point of getting to know the people who live around me. And it left me wondering if the experiences changed the author in a fundamental way: will he extend himself to neighbors more in the future.? Will he serve as a connector for others? The benefits certainly seem to outweigh the discomfort
October 25, 2010
An interesting look at the sociology of how we live as neighbors. I've often wondered what makes some neighbors "click" and end up with that ideal that everyone is after and what keeps others from never even finding out each other's names. I've lived in three different places, with three different experiences. In only one, a cul-de-sac of seven houses, did I feel that I knew all of my immediate neighbors and several of them well enough to ask for help when necessary. I've lived in my current home just over two years and last week was the first time I have even seen one of my next door neighbors!
May 28, 2011
I recommend this book to anyone and everyone. I would have given it 5 stars, but it dragged in a couple of small passages and I didn't love the way he closed the book. BUT - I think it's a really timely non-fiction about how we often know the people we meet on-line better than the folks living across the street. But is the person across the country going to be there for you if you need some to watch your kid in an emergency, water your garden when you go on vaction, or give you a cup of sugar when you're in the middle of making cookies? And conversely - do the folks in your neighborhood feel like they can ask you for a hand?
February 13, 2022
I almost didn’t find this book- thankfully it showed up on my Amazon recommends when I was looking at another book on community. This will be a valuable inspiration and resource for my upcoming talk AND as I continue to search for community in my life and neighborhood.
August 17, 2015
Just a note: I had special interest in reading this because Peter Lovenheim is from my city, and this book takes place in said city in a very nearby town. :)
After a shocking murder-suicide takes place on Lovenheim’s street, he begins to wonder: could this violent crime have been prevented if there was a bigger sense of community in his neighborhood? No one knows anyone else on the street and therefore didn’t see the signs that this violence was about to take place. Because of this, he sets out to get to know his neighbors and create a community by asking them for a simple favor: can I spend the night? Several neighbors accept, and Peter delves into their lives by sleeping over and witnessing their lives from the inside as well as interviewing them. Lovenheim asks what it means to live amongst strangers and wonders what the consequences of that might be. With his sleepovers, he attempts to transform his street into a community.
First things first, I enjoyed all the references to my hometown… that is always cool to see in a book, right? But I also thought his project was quite interesting. It made me think about my own street, and, for the most part, he’s right. A lot of us do live amongst strangers. There is absolutely NO sense of community on my street which is really quite sad. In the book, one of Lovenheim’s neighbors states that she was baking once and needed vanilla, and, knowing no one on the street, sent her husband to the store in a snowstorm instead of borrowing it from a neighbor. This really is what many neighborhoods have turned into, which is what he is trying to change.
Some of the neighbors Lovenheim introduces become central “characters,” such as Lou, the quirky retired doctor, and Patti, their young single-mother neighbor, a former radiologist who diagnosed her own breast cancer and is now dying from it. I felt as though I got to know these two neighbors and became intrigued by their stories and attached to their characters, though they are real people. There are a few other neighbors as well who have their own interesting lives but are not featured as prominently.
I felt this book was part memoir and part sociology book. It delves into a lot of research and questions about community, which was interesting, but not really my cup of tea. I definitely enjoyed the personal stories a lot more. I was happy to see that Lovenheim was in fact able to create a somewhat small sense of community, which was more than they ever had before, and that he began to accomplish his goal. He used this new-found community to help Patti, which was really the best outcome of the whole story and project.
All in all, this was an interesting book with a very intriguing concept. I’d recommend it to those that are interested in sociology and the way we live today. I liked it but felt that it dragged a bit in those scientific parts, although I can see the necessity of it in the book and felt that it was very well researched. Buuuut, being an English major and totally not a science person, I’m more into straight-up memoirs.
After a shocking murder-suicide takes place on Lovenheim’s street, he begins to wonder: could this violent crime have been prevented if there was a bigger sense of community in his neighborhood? No one knows anyone else on the street and therefore didn’t see the signs that this violence was about to take place. Because of this, he sets out to get to know his neighbors and create a community by asking them for a simple favor: can I spend the night? Several neighbors accept, and Peter delves into their lives by sleeping over and witnessing their lives from the inside as well as interviewing them. Lovenheim asks what it means to live amongst strangers and wonders what the consequences of that might be. With his sleepovers, he attempts to transform his street into a community.
First things first, I enjoyed all the references to my hometown… that is always cool to see in a book, right? But I also thought his project was quite interesting. It made me think about my own street, and, for the most part, he’s right. A lot of us do live amongst strangers. There is absolutely NO sense of community on my street which is really quite sad. In the book, one of Lovenheim’s neighbors states that she was baking once and needed vanilla, and, knowing no one on the street, sent her husband to the store in a snowstorm instead of borrowing it from a neighbor. This really is what many neighborhoods have turned into, which is what he is trying to change.
Some of the neighbors Lovenheim introduces become central “characters,” such as Lou, the quirky retired doctor, and Patti, their young single-mother neighbor, a former radiologist who diagnosed her own breast cancer and is now dying from it. I felt as though I got to know these two neighbors and became intrigued by their stories and attached to their characters, though they are real people. There are a few other neighbors as well who have their own interesting lives but are not featured as prominently.
I felt this book was part memoir and part sociology book. It delves into a lot of research and questions about community, which was interesting, but not really my cup of tea. I definitely enjoyed the personal stories a lot more. I was happy to see that Lovenheim was in fact able to create a somewhat small sense of community, which was more than they ever had before, and that he began to accomplish his goal. He used this new-found community to help Patti, which was really the best outcome of the whole story and project.
All in all, this was an interesting book with a very intriguing concept. I’d recommend it to those that are interested in sociology and the way we live today. I liked it but felt that it dragged a bit in those scientific parts, although I can see the necessity of it in the book and felt that it was very well researched. Buuuut, being an English major and totally not a science person, I’m more into straight-up memoirs.
January 29, 2013
A tragedy occurring a few doors down from the writer's home launches him on a quest to meet his neighbors. By sleeping over at their homes and following them in their daily lives he seeks to find out if the tragedy might have been averted had there been a sense of community involvement. In the process he learns about himself and the journey leads to an unexpected and moving end. This could also serve as a guidebook for real estate developers (although they should already know this) on how NOT to design a new housing development.
April 11, 2010
I really enjoyed this book. I purchased it on the first day that it was available in the bookstore, and I would have finished it later that day had I no other commitments. It's very readable and thought-provoking. Whether you live in the Rochester area or not, this book strikes a nerve and engenders some critical questions: How does my neighborhood compare to the one described in the book? What can we do to make every neighborhood a more neighborly place?
August 13, 2011
In this book, a Guy attempts to do the right thing and get to know his neighbors by actively entering into their homes via sleep overs. Then he tries to really get to know them...imagine that. My fucking neighbors open my mail and throw it in the hallway. That's what happened when I ordered day of the Jakal off Amazon. Motherfuckers threw it in the middle of the hallway.
November 13, 2011
Phenomenal read. Read it in 24 hours. Really makes you consider your sense of community and neighborhood. I'm grateful to live in the neighborhood that we do, with the relationships that we've established.
March 12, 2012
I loved it Partly because this story was so close to my neighborhood. But also because it's a true,sweet story of a guy who wants to know his neighbors and be a good neighbor. it's something many suburbs are without today. It would be nice to being some of that neighborliness back to life.
August 14, 2010
I read this in one day--couldn't put it down. More meaningful because I know this neighborhood and some of its residents. Great idea. I wish I knew my neighbors better.
November 9, 2017
BRILLIANT. Read and reflect on the meaning of community. Would be an excellent text for a Sociology 101 course.
April 16, 2018
This was okay, but it never goes anywhere too meaningful. I would’ve actually appreciated a more complex look at neighborhoods than this.
January 2, 2015
"Oh, who are the people in your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood?
Say, who are the people in your neighborhood?
The people that you meet each day."
from Sesame Street
As regular readers of this blog know, our family is in the process of moving. So far, we've visited approximately a dozen houses in various neighborhoods, all of which look nice enough.
With moving, I'm always a bit apprehensive about what types of neighbors we're going to get. (I suppose everyone is, to a degree.) You see, growing up, my family lived next door to a batshit crazy woman who often referred to me as "monkey-faced," who often shrieked that we needed to turn the wind around because it was blowing into her yard, and who would take Poncho (her annoying as hell Chihuahua) for strolls in our fenced in backyard.
The police were called on numerous occasions (we still have the meticulous log my father kept of every incident; it's considered a family heirloom at this point), my brother and I were on a first-name basis with all the sergeants and the zoning officer (or whomever is in charge of things like putting up fences), and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it is a miracle nobody was killed. (Although it wouldn't surprise me if the constant stress of living next door to this witch was a factor in my father's death at 44.)
But despite this wackadoo next door, ours was a neighborhood where we knew one another. Across the street there was the elderly couple who signed birthday cards to me as "Grandma and Grandpa Yeager" and who consoled my frantic, hysterical mother when I once went missing for several excruciating hours (the result of some parental-child miscommunication rather than foul play). Next door, there was the socialite with the Doberman Pincher and whose shore home was in the same condo as my friend Meghan's. And across from her lived the family of our trusty babysitters.
So it was with all this in mind that I picked up Peter Lovenheim's memoir In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover At a Time.
Sleepover doesn't refer to, say, Peter Lovenheim's daughter spending the night at a friend's house nearby. No. It refers to his sleeping over at his neighbors' homes, as an adult. As in, striking up a conversation or two with a neighbor only known somewhat casually, mentioning that he was writing a book on neighborhoods and building community, and then asking to sleep over as a way to get to know them better.
Now. If you know my husband in real life, you can probably imagine his reaction when I told him the premise of this book. He was, quite simply, aghast. There's no way this would happen in our house today. And indeed, when approached by Lovenheim with this notion of having a sleepover, several of his neighbors turned him down flat. (In addition to sleeping over for one night, Lovenheim also accompanied his neighbors - as well as his mailman and his newspaper delivery guy - throughout their entire day, coming along on their visits to the local Y, watching them as they siesta'ed during the noon hours, tagging along to workplaces and business meetings ... you name it.)
It doesn't take much to realize that the main (and ironic) reason that The Husband and I would never consider having one of our adult neighbors sleep overnight is because we simply don't know who the hell they are. I know the names of the people immediately next door and their kids. And I know what my other neighbor does for a living (thanks to the FBI showing up at my door) but I'll be damned if I know the guy's name. The always-attired-in-New-York-Yankees-apparel guy who walks his white poodle? No clue. The single dad with the two girls, two doors down? Dunno. The people two doors down on the other side who moved in a few weeks ago who I think are from Pittsburgh, where we're moving to? I can tell you what they bought the house for (thanks to my studious perusal of the local real estate listings) but we have yet to say hello.
From his descriptions in his book, Peter Lovenheim's neighborhood is similar to the one I'm leaving in regard to interactions between residents. And unless you are my friend W. who lives in a development with real-live coffee klatsches happening monthly or author Rachel Simon, who writes lovingly of her neighborhood in her own memoir, The House on Teacher's Lane, I'm betting it is similar to yours, too.
In Peter Lovenheim's case, it takes a tragedy - the murder-suicide of a husband and wife living several doors down - to make him contemplate how things might have been different if the wife didn't feel so isolated, if she had a safe place to go in the throes of domestic violence, if someone had noticed something amiss or felt comfortable in giving her the name of a local shelter - if they knew it. (Ironically, several such things did happen after the tragedy; neighbors offered grieving family members their spare bedrooms while making funeral arrangements, people brought food, and in the immediate hours the young children of the couple were cared for by - you guessed it - a neighbor.)
In the Neighborhood, then, becomes Lovenheim's memoir about his quest to get to know the people on his street. While chronicling these encounters, Lovenheim gives his reader an often funny and introspective glimpse into the culture of community, about the various reasons why we are so content to "live as strangers," and how and why this dynamic evolved from a time when it was commonplace for neighbors to borrow a cup of sugar from one another.
There are also heartbreaking moments too - such as when Lovenheim learns how his octogenarian next door neighbor Lou needed to call a daughter living 20 minutes away when he found himself temporarily immobile. Or when Grace (a woman who power-walked daily through Peter's neighborhood for 40 years) stumbled, sprained her ankle, and crawled on her hands and knees to the other side of the wide, tree-lined road ... without a soul noticing.
Through what is an easy read, you feel like you get to know Peter's neighbors - and start thinking more about your own - which, I suppose, is kind of the point. You also get the sense that writing this book was a bit cathartic for him. (Some points are repeated more than a few times, and there was a little too much navel-gazing about his personal life, but these are just minor quibbles I have.) Most of the time, Peter comes across as a genuinely nice and pleasant guy, someone who anyone would be pleased to have as a neighbor.
Yeah, even me.
In your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood?
Say, who are the people in your neighborhood?
The people that you meet each day."
from Sesame Street
As regular readers of this blog know, our family is in the process of moving. So far, we've visited approximately a dozen houses in various neighborhoods, all of which look nice enough.
With moving, I'm always a bit apprehensive about what types of neighbors we're going to get. (I suppose everyone is, to a degree.) You see, growing up, my family lived next door to a batshit crazy woman who often referred to me as "monkey-faced," who often shrieked that we needed to turn the wind around because it was blowing into her yard, and who would take Poncho (her annoying as hell Chihuahua) for strolls in our fenced in backyard.
The police were called on numerous occasions (we still have the meticulous log my father kept of every incident; it's considered a family heirloom at this point), my brother and I were on a first-name basis with all the sergeants and the zoning officer (or whomever is in charge of things like putting up fences), and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it is a miracle nobody was killed. (Although it wouldn't surprise me if the constant stress of living next door to this witch was a factor in my father's death at 44.)
But despite this wackadoo next door, ours was a neighborhood where we knew one another. Across the street there was the elderly couple who signed birthday cards to me as "Grandma and Grandpa Yeager" and who consoled my frantic, hysterical mother when I once went missing for several excruciating hours (the result of some parental-child miscommunication rather than foul play). Next door, there was the socialite with the Doberman Pincher and whose shore home was in the same condo as my friend Meghan's. And across from her lived the family of our trusty babysitters.
So it was with all this in mind that I picked up Peter Lovenheim's memoir In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover At a Time.
Sleepover doesn't refer to, say, Peter Lovenheim's daughter spending the night at a friend's house nearby. No. It refers to his sleeping over at his neighbors' homes, as an adult. As in, striking up a conversation or two with a neighbor only known somewhat casually, mentioning that he was writing a book on neighborhoods and building community, and then asking to sleep over as a way to get to know them better.
Now. If you know my husband in real life, you can probably imagine his reaction when I told him the premise of this book. He was, quite simply, aghast. There's no way this would happen in our house today. And indeed, when approached by Lovenheim with this notion of having a sleepover, several of his neighbors turned him down flat. (In addition to sleeping over for one night, Lovenheim also accompanied his neighbors - as well as his mailman and his newspaper delivery guy - throughout their entire day, coming along on their visits to the local Y, watching them as they siesta'ed during the noon hours, tagging along to workplaces and business meetings ... you name it.)
It doesn't take much to realize that the main (and ironic) reason that The Husband and I would never consider having one of our adult neighbors sleep overnight is because we simply don't know who the hell they are. I know the names of the people immediately next door and their kids. And I know what my other neighbor does for a living (thanks to the FBI showing up at my door) but I'll be damned if I know the guy's name. The always-attired-in-New-York-Yankees-apparel guy who walks his white poodle? No clue. The single dad with the two girls, two doors down? Dunno. The people two doors down on the other side who moved in a few weeks ago who I think are from Pittsburgh, where we're moving to? I can tell you what they bought the house for (thanks to my studious perusal of the local real estate listings) but we have yet to say hello.
From his descriptions in his book, Peter Lovenheim's neighborhood is similar to the one I'm leaving in regard to interactions between residents. And unless you are my friend W. who lives in a development with real-live coffee klatsches happening monthly or author Rachel Simon, who writes lovingly of her neighborhood in her own memoir, The House on Teacher's Lane, I'm betting it is similar to yours, too.
In Peter Lovenheim's case, it takes a tragedy - the murder-suicide of a husband and wife living several doors down - to make him contemplate how things might have been different if the wife didn't feel so isolated, if she had a safe place to go in the throes of domestic violence, if someone had noticed something amiss or felt comfortable in giving her the name of a local shelter - if they knew it. (Ironically, several such things did happen after the tragedy; neighbors offered grieving family members their spare bedrooms while making funeral arrangements, people brought food, and in the immediate hours the young children of the couple were cared for by - you guessed it - a neighbor.)
In the Neighborhood, then, becomes Lovenheim's memoir about his quest to get to know the people on his street. While chronicling these encounters, Lovenheim gives his reader an often funny and introspective glimpse into the culture of community, about the various reasons why we are so content to "live as strangers," and how and why this dynamic evolved from a time when it was commonplace for neighbors to borrow a cup of sugar from one another.
There are also heartbreaking moments too - such as when Lovenheim learns how his octogenarian next door neighbor Lou needed to call a daughter living 20 minutes away when he found himself temporarily immobile. Or when Grace (a woman who power-walked daily through Peter's neighborhood for 40 years) stumbled, sprained her ankle, and crawled on her hands and knees to the other side of the wide, tree-lined road ... without a soul noticing.
Through what is an easy read, you feel like you get to know Peter's neighbors - and start thinking more about your own - which, I suppose, is kind of the point. You also get the sense that writing this book was a bit cathartic for him. (Some points are repeated more than a few times, and there was a little too much navel-gazing about his personal life, but these are just minor quibbles I have.) Most of the time, Peter comes across as a genuinely nice and pleasant guy, someone who anyone would be pleased to have as a neighbor.
Yeah, even me.
April 26, 2020
I read a lot of fiction, so sometimes it takes me a bit of an adjustment period to get used to non-fiction. Plus, some non-fiction reads like a novel. Once I started thinking about this as a sociological/ psychological case study, I was able to settle into it a little bit more. The writing is less flowy than I usually like.
The idea is an interesting one: how do you create connections between the people that live near you? You go out and meet them. This occurred to the author following the murder- suicide that happened in his neighborhood. So, he starts making an effort to get to know the people who live on his street.
About half way through, I was about done with the whole thing but finished it because it was for book club.
The idea is an interesting one: how do you create connections between the people that live near you? You go out and meet them. This occurred to the author following the murder- suicide that happened in his neighborhood. So, he starts making an effort to get to know the people who live on his street.
About half way through, I was about done with the whole thing but finished it because it was for book club.
May 3, 2021
Probably a 3.5 but rounded down because I felt like the author could have acknowledged the privileged spaces that were occupied by himself and most of the neighbors. I'm not sure his hypotheses/findings would hold in neighborhoods that are not wealthy, single homes, white, straight, etc. He gestures toward this occasionally, e.g. when he is talking with his mail man, but I felt it could have used some more exploration. He mentions the physical layout of the neighborhood, the fact that many people who live there are doctors, and how few have children, but doesn't fully explore what these things mean for his investigation. I guess perhaps this is a stylistic difference between journalism and social scientific inquiry. Still an interesting and enjoyable read.
January 15, 2018
"There's talk today about how as a society we've become fragmented by income, ethnicity, city versus suburb, red state versus blue. But we also divide ourselves with invisible dotted lines. I'm talking about the property lines that isolate us from the people we are physically closes to: our neighbors" (Lovenheim xv)
This book has been sitting on my shelf for yeeaarrss, but I am fortunate to have read it where I am in life now than when I originally bought it. There is a maturity needed to fully comprehend the power of the simple concept of a neighborhood in which Peter Lovenheim has conveyed brilliantly. I was recently talking with a colleague who is responsible for creating community with college students living off-campus in apartment complexes. We discussed how challenging that has been for students to interact with their neighbors and sometimes their own roommates! Reflecting on this memoir, I see that it is not just a college problem, as Lovenheim illustrates in a neighborhood of 36 houses. Thinking back to my own upbringing, it was normal to go over a neighbor's house if my parents weren't home after school. It was expected that the high school-aged kids were house or babysitting. I have also been rewatching the show Desperate Housewives and it is astonishing to me how not like current neighbor experiences are like. If not familiar, the show is about 4 housewives living on Wisteria Lane who are quite involved in each others' lives!
The portraits Loveheim crafts are poignant and raw, reminding us that we never know what is happening behind closed doors. However, imagine if we did, and we can offer that much support, kindness, and empathy to those who are around us more than friends and family (for the most part). Loveheim provided a summary of a research study conducted for the U.S. census. It showed that "22 percent of the homes and 38 percent of the apartments in the country are occupied by just one person. That works out to nearly 30 million people living alone, a higher number than ever before recorded...So if there was ever a good time to break down the barriers that separate us from our neighbors and instead take advantage of the potential for companionship close at hand, that time is now" (Lovenheim 236). To offset this issue, many resources and groups have been brought together such as MeetTheNeighbors.org. It "serves all kinds of neighborhoods, but as suggested by its welcome page...it's mostly aimed at apartment dwellers in big cities. 'Our whole point is to connect people who are already physically next to each other...People in apartment buildings can go years without getting to know even the people on the other side of the wall'" (Lovenheim 159).
An interesting point was made from the neighborhood mailman, Ralph. He said "(t)hing is, the more affluent people are, the more protective they are. They don't want to get involved with their neighbors, and they don't want to take mail over because it's seen as an invasion of privacy both ways: you don't want your mail seen, and you don't want to let your neighbor know you've seen your mail. Also, they just don't want to have to engage in a conversation that maybe they don't want to have" (Lovenheim 196-7). On my way to the community gym one Sunday afternoon, I came across a mom and her baby and then a young man. I walked in their direction, all smiles, ready to say hello and then was disappointed when they hurried past with no eye contact. That definitely deflated my confidence in the moment, but who knows, maybe they wanted a connection too?
This unexpected gem has given me a lot to ponder, as it seems as relevant today as it did in 2010 when Peter began his sleepovers in the neighborhood.
This book has been sitting on my shelf for yeeaarrss, but I am fortunate to have read it where I am in life now than when I originally bought it. There is a maturity needed to fully comprehend the power of the simple concept of a neighborhood in which Peter Lovenheim has conveyed brilliantly. I was recently talking with a colleague who is responsible for creating community with college students living off-campus in apartment complexes. We discussed how challenging that has been for students to interact with their neighbors and sometimes their own roommates! Reflecting on this memoir, I see that it is not just a college problem, as Lovenheim illustrates in a neighborhood of 36 houses. Thinking back to my own upbringing, it was normal to go over a neighbor's house if my parents weren't home after school. It was expected that the high school-aged kids were house or babysitting. I have also been rewatching the show Desperate Housewives and it is astonishing to me how not like current neighbor experiences are like. If not familiar, the show is about 4 housewives living on Wisteria Lane who are quite involved in each others' lives!
The portraits Loveheim crafts are poignant and raw, reminding us that we never know what is happening behind closed doors. However, imagine if we did, and we can offer that much support, kindness, and empathy to those who are around us more than friends and family (for the most part). Loveheim provided a summary of a research study conducted for the U.S. census. It showed that "22 percent of the homes and 38 percent of the apartments in the country are occupied by just one person. That works out to nearly 30 million people living alone, a higher number than ever before recorded...So if there was ever a good time to break down the barriers that separate us from our neighbors and instead take advantage of the potential for companionship close at hand, that time is now" (Lovenheim 236). To offset this issue, many resources and groups have been brought together such as MeetTheNeighbors.org. It "serves all kinds of neighborhoods, but as suggested by its welcome page...it's mostly aimed at apartment dwellers in big cities. 'Our whole point is to connect people who are already physically next to each other...People in apartment buildings can go years without getting to know even the people on the other side of the wall'" (Lovenheim 159).
An interesting point was made from the neighborhood mailman, Ralph. He said "(t)hing is, the more affluent people are, the more protective they are. They don't want to get involved with their neighbors, and they don't want to take mail over because it's seen as an invasion of privacy both ways: you don't want your mail seen, and you don't want to let your neighbor know you've seen your mail. Also, they just don't want to have to engage in a conversation that maybe they don't want to have" (Lovenheim 196-7). On my way to the community gym one Sunday afternoon, I came across a mom and her baby and then a young man. I walked in their direction, all smiles, ready to say hello and then was disappointed when they hurried past with no eye contact. That definitely deflated my confidence in the moment, but who knows, maybe they wanted a connection too?
This unexpected gem has given me a lot to ponder, as it seems as relevant today as it did in 2010 when Peter began his sleepovers in the neighborhood.
January 9, 2022
This is such an important book, especially now, during the Covid pandemic, when isolation has increased in our communities. Humans need real, supportive connections to other humans. We were meant to share this mortal existence, not to go it alone. Online communities can be good, but they don't provide the real, face to face, physically healing connection that comes from knowing your neighbors. I'm grateful to the author for undertaking his sleepover experiment, and for sharing the results, which were nothing short of wonderful. Lives were changed in the neighborhood, and among his readers. I live in a close knit neighborhood where I do know many of my neighbors, but not all. I need to reach out more and check on those I don't know. Who knows what might come of it?
April 19, 2010
This book made me realize and appreciate that I live with someone who could be considered the perfect neighbor, and many have called her just that. She says her secret is to "treat your neighbor as yourself"-- watch out for people, assist them when they're sick, loan tools and services, and generally just be concerned for their well being. The author of this book ventured out into his own upper middle class neighborhood outside Rochester, NY (where he had grown up and then moved back as an adult)after there was a tragic murder-suicide on his block and he realized he had no idea who these people were, and more importantly, why no one knew of their impending troubles to somehow intervene or befriend. He sought to get to know his existing neighbors and discover what it means to be a part of a community and wrote uniquely and refreshingly about what goes on behind the closed doors around us. Hopefully this book will inspire others to get to know the strangers around them and become good neighbors themselves.
July 17, 2011
I'd give this one somewhere in the range of 3.5 to 4 stars. It's basic premise is pretty obvious - that we are an increasingly privacy-oriented culture and we don't know our neighbors and our communities as well as our parents and grandparents did. Lovenheim sets out to remedy that in his own community by interviewing and spending time with several of his neighbors. The book is split between descriptions of these neighbors and a more general pondering of what neighborliness is and how it applies or doesn't apply to us as a society. I actually found the pondering to be the much more interesting part of the book, because it did make me think about my own circumstances. I haven't made much effort to get to know my neighbors because I know my current living situation is a rather temporary one, but I'd like to think that when I'm more permanently settled I can develop a greater network with those who live around me. From the book it seems as though accomplishing that is going to take a fair amount of active effort on my part...
March 8, 2013
Is it possible to forge real connections between neighbors by spending one night sleeping over at their home? Author Peter Lovenheim certainly thought so, and I have to agree with him. Lovenheim presents his upper-class Rochester, NY neighborhood as a quiet street of individuals and families living separate lives from their neighbors. After a tragedy occurs in one of the homes on his street, Lovenheim starts thinking more about what it means to be a neighbor. He then intentionally sets out to meet several of his neighbors and to forge real connections with those who live around him.
Community is essential for us as people and I think Lovenheim does an excellent job of presenting that in his book. Neighbors especially have an important role to play because they are the ones who see us day after day. This book is a great read for anyone who wants to take a look at one man's experience in his neighborhood. It might inspire you to get to know your neighbors more as well, which will most likely benefit both them and you.
Community is essential for us as people and I think Lovenheim does an excellent job of presenting that in his book. Neighbors especially have an important role to play because they are the ones who see us day after day. This book is a great read for anyone who wants to take a look at one man's experience in his neighborhood. It might inspire you to get to know your neighbors more as well, which will most likely benefit both them and you.
January 13, 2018
In The Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time was written by a Rochesterian, and triggered by events that occurred on his street in February, 2000. A murder-suicide of a professional couple led the author to question whether the outcome could have been different if only neighbors did not live such isolated lives. The author went around his neighborhood and made an effort to get to know many of the families on his street. The book makes for interesting reading and would be a great choice for a book club - in fact, there is a reading guide here: http://www.peterlovenheim.com/in-the-neighborhood-reading-guide.php.
This book meets my "Around the Year in 52 Books" Weekly Topics 2018 > 16: A narrative nonfiction challenge.
This book meets my "Around the Year in 52 Books" Weekly Topics 2018 > 16: A narrative nonfiction challenge.
May 31, 2011
My grandmother died at 92, but not before telling me 92 times that what was wrong with the world today was that we don't know our neighbors. And Peter Lovenheim agrees.
In this short but emotional read, Lovenheim makes the case for making friends with our neighbors, a shocking thing to do in today's society. While grandma would have no trouble asking for a cup of sugar or a ride to the store, and her backyard hose had a mug resting on top of the faucet for her mailman's daily drink, we are isolated, lonely Americans. Lovenheim tried to change this in his own life, and the epilogue is touching and sweet.
I wish I could cultivate such friendships in my own life and my own neighborhood, but I've got the usual crop of excuses: two jobs, five kids, both a husband and a healthy Facebook account, and an addiction to reading that requires lengthy alone time. But I wish grandma lived next door...
In this short but emotional read, Lovenheim makes the case for making friends with our neighbors, a shocking thing to do in today's society. While grandma would have no trouble asking for a cup of sugar or a ride to the store, and her backyard hose had a mug resting on top of the faucet for her mailman's daily drink, we are isolated, lonely Americans. Lovenheim tried to change this in his own life, and the epilogue is touching and sweet.
I wish I could cultivate such friendships in my own life and my own neighborhood, but I've got the usual crop of excuses: two jobs, five kids, both a husband and a healthy Facebook account, and an addiction to reading that requires lengthy alone time. But I wish grandma lived next door...
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