From Bondage to Bonding: Escaping Codependency, Embracing Biblical Love

by Nancy Groom

In this thorough, nontechnical guide to assessment of and recovery from codependency, author Nancy Groom takes you beyond simply escaping codependency to helping you tackle the tough questions you’ll face as you emerge from destructive relationships. Men and women who are dealing with grief, anger, and feelings of shame from codependency will learn how to bond to God.

Genres: Faith, Christian, Nonfiction, Personal Growth, Counselling

208 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 1991

Reviews

[Carrie Lloyd · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve given this book to many students of mine, and would give it to almost half of my group if they were all readers. A great breakthrough book for codependents, and not just for those related to an addict. It confronts and challenges all of us on how to do relationships, and unlike Beattie’s ‘Codependent No More’ book it focuses much more on how Christ carried out relationships - so felt more inspiring that a full introspective look into the self. The questions at the end of each chapter should be given much time to work on.

[Jovis · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I bought this book, I thought that I would just read it for other's sake (I mean, so I can understand and help people). But then as I was reading this book, it opened my heart and made me understand myself as well. I recognized my own codependency although I had no close ties with people with addictions.

The book was divided and arranged well. Overall, I highly recommend it.

[Justin Ruszkiewicz · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've ever read, honestly. Being a recovering codependent for the last two years has been a journey with mountains and valleys... long, dark valleys. But the journey is a beautiful one as I have seen God work miraculously in my life to free me from this "people-pleasing addiction." This book, however, has shed light on so many things, even things I never realized about codependency. The topics of control and denial were incredibly powerful for me. And the way Nancy Groom connected the principles from each chapter to Jesus's life and ministry was great.

Every chapter was insightful and I never felt like the book was dragging along. Obviously this isn't an easy read, simply because of the nature of this book. I felt like I got a whole year of counseling by reading this!

But this book is for people who want to find the meaning of true connection in relationships, escape the suffocating shallowness of codependence, and embrace God's freedom in greater ways. Highly recommend!

Final rating: 10/10!

[Jessica Ferguson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't think someone has to be addicted to drugs, alcohol, or sex to be a codependent. People can have addictions to affirmation and acceptance and praise and glory for themselves. I think this book was very helpful in pointing out and putting words to what I saw as a problem in my own life. After reading it (twice, carefully!) I started being able to notice patterns more easily, and was able to make an effort to change things, even little by little. I recommend this book for anyone, really, though some will say it doesn't apply to them because they were never abused or addicted to anything.

[Marliss Bombardier · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book to understand codependence (a word I have never liked) from a Biblical perspective and to take steps to escape this essential fear of man back into a focus on and fear of God.

[Lindsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Throughout the years, I've heard praise for being an exemplary helper, caring well for others, growing in selflessness, but as a season of suffering hit us I was struck by my husband's comment that I could not fix it and I was trying to take control of what was God's. This book is split in 4 parts. The first part describes bondage as co-dependency, self-forfeiture, self-contempt, self-aggrandizement, self-sufficiency, and self-deception. One beauty of these chapters is how Groom points to Jesus as the ultimate example in how to serve in dependence on the Father without giving into independence and taking control of situations from a sovereign God.

Part 2 describes bondage's source in fervent longings, painful losses, self-protective pretense, and autonomous independence. Part 3 then dives into a route to biblical bonding in love by healing grief, embracing the wonder of grace and the freedom of surrender through dependence on God alone and learning to grow in interdependence on others. Finally, Groom ends with a closing description of bonding contrasting to bondage in part 1. Bonding looks like being free to 1) love and forgive 2) abandon denial 3) trust and obey 4) risk and suffer.

Many of these elements are loosely based and cited as sourced from Alcoholics Anonymous' 12 step program with a beautiful look at the paradoxes of recovery on p. 203-204,

"Though our 'satisfactory' experiences of divine and human grace seduce us relentlessly to the arduous trek Home, we're not always sure we want to be on a wilderness journey. The Egypt house of our codependent bondage often looks better to us than the terrifying freedom of choices and surrender to God. We are, at heart, all grumbling Israelites, railing against what is uncomfortable, unfamiliar, risky aliveness. We'd really rather stay enslaved to our self-sufficient mechanisms than live dependent on God alone to take our next step. We fear genuine freedom with all its responsibilities for grace-based, love-dominated living; it feels more normal to be persecuted, hating those who keep us in bondage. Our desert tree is rife with hazards we never dreamed of while safe in the Egypt of our codependency. Loneliness, helplessness, loss of attachments--all our worst fears are realized in the wilderness of our recovery journey."

As she reminds us in the last of the sentence of the book, "The journey from bondage to bonding is a journey into our Father's endless embrace."

[Sarah Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even if you don’t believe that you are or even have codependent tendencies— READ THIS BOOK. Everyone can benefit from it (whether for themselves or to better understand their loved ones).

This book has changed me for better. I definitely will be rereading this throughout the rest of my life.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such an eye opening read. Highly recommended.

[Cyndy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great biblical recovery book

[Arda · Rating 3 out of 5]

So I thought this book would explain everything before it ruins and then fixes it all. And at first it did ruin it all. I saw myself in the description of a codependent: The realization made me shudder and re-consider every single aspect of my life, influenced by this psycho-social disorder this book describes, and alas, I had to get the book, skim through it and get torn apart by it, but I had to stop, partly because:
- I took a course in feminism during the time I was reading the book, and it pretty much shows how all women, to some extent, could be defined in one way or another as codependent: After all, we have been socially raised to seek approval; over-control and take on too many duties and responsibilities.
- The inevitable notion this book has about 'once a codependent always a codependent' is depressing (literally). This book was supposed to be uplifting but, when it comes down to it, it was bringing me down and bringing relationships down: bringing down the way I looked at the world and my place in it. It made me feel inept and more importantly, it made me focus on the ways that I would be damaged. "Damaged" is a key word here because there are ways in which we communicate, and if we are to think of ourselves as "broken," "damaged," "torn" and such types of terms that this book made me consider myself in relation to the world, it would make us prone to get stuck in childhood.
- I somehow ended up feeling better every time I picked the book up, but far worse after every time I put it down. That must have been a sign that it was putting me down. I did not follow that intuition until I was directly told to put that book away, and I'm ok with that. What I thought would have been a go-to book ended up being an 'avoid' book. It sure was interesting to consider what it means to be codependent. It definitely did give me helpful perspective which I believe I will never forget. But now that I know it, I do not have to dwell on it either!

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author is very gentle with surgically removing the sinful nature from the reader's heart. She packs a punch with her biblical truths, but she does administer pain medication with the candid transparency of her own faults. She allows you to feel as if she is walking through a storm with you to help you find your way. I never knew the depth of pretense I put off until wrestling with this book. I would not have read this book had it not been abandoned at the thrift store with a 25 cent adoption fee. I did not like the word co-addict and my flesh was thoroughly crucified after reading. This is one you need to read more than once when you find yourself slipping into old habits. I try to keep this book on hand to loan to friends and neighbors, but I don't think one of them has ever been returned. I can tell you that you should not form an opinion on this book until you have read it all the way through, because you will be attempted to put it down. That is your flesh, I promise.
Recommended to readers that feel used, that love an addict, that are perfectionist, caregivers, victims of abuse, married to a narcissist, or the rescuer.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would not have chosen this book, but my Pastor recommended it. Codependents are hardworking "adjusters" deeply committed to living life on their terms. Self focus holds you and others hostage, and self sufficiency is protective folly. Groom's book helped me immensely in a dark time, and I have recommended it many times to anyone who is struggling to love well. The writer is candid about her own journey and writes from a solid Christian perspective on forgiveness, with examples from the Word of God. She uses 12 steps but goes Biblically deeper. She says we're "here to love" (not self protect) and refusing to victimize or to be victimized leads to the terror of grace and humility because of an abject need we all have to be dependent on God. Mourning, not blame, genuine grief before Him rather than any other strategies to try to heal yourself is the only way to genuine maturity.
"No one else's rejection has the power to destroy us" p.176

[Joy Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

As well as others, this is good for women who have escaped domestic violence to help them see reality and find freedom because of Christ.