Why Did You Stay?: A memoir about self-worth

by Rebecca Humphries

'Fierce. Game-changing. Urgently necessary. Brilliant, brilliant and did I say brilliant?' EMMA THOMPSON
'Is it worth the hype? Absolutely' LAURA PULLMAN, STYLE

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Actor, writer and hopeless romantic Rebecca Humphries had often been called crazy by her boyfriend. But when paparazzi caught him kissing his Strictly Come Dancing partner, she realised the only crazy thing was believing she didn't deserve more.

A flood of support poured in on social media, but amongst the well-wishes was a simple question with an infinitely complex 'If he was so bad, why did you stay?'

Empowering, unflinching and full of humour, this book takes that question and owns it. Using her relationship history and experiences since the scandal during Strictly , Rebecca explores why good girls are drawn to darkness, whether pop culture glamourises toxicity, when a relationship 'rough patch' becomes the start of a destructive cycle, if women are conditioned for co-dependency, and - ultimately - how to reframe disaster into something magical.

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'Pacy, vivid, compelling and very, VERY funny... it will help so many' MARIAN KEYES
'A fucking classic. Required reading for all women and men' BRYONY GORDON
'A funny, brave and honest book that will change lives. I have not stopped talking about it' THE TIMES
'So funny and heart-breaking. So stunningly written. ' SUSAN WOKOMA
'A magical, magical book' GLAMOUR
'So thoughtful and moving and funny and sad and great, I love it so, so much. I resented having to put it down' DAISY BUCHANAN
'Her thought-provoking story should be required reading for anyone in a relationship' DAILY MIRROR
'This book isn't an ice-cold revenge opus; it's a diary of self-discovery, a celebration of friendship, resilience and finding one's self-worth...is it worth the hype? I had to stop myself from reading it one grateful gulp' LAURA PULLMAN, STYLE

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Feminism, Audiobook, Biography, Mental Health, Self Help

416 pages, Paperback

First published July 7, 2022

Reviews

[Books and a Brew · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel a bit harsh giving this two stars. Not because I feel sorry for Rebecca Humphries. If anything, I empathise. My last relationship ended at 34 and I resonated with much that she spoke about.

I just found this quite hard to follow, jumping between the relationship and the aftermath. I also found it too long and I just didn’t understand why some of the anecdotes were in here. So I would just like to clarify that I think it will be a great book for the right person, just not for me.

Rebecca’s experience and mine differed enormously. For a start, I didn’t go and stay on houseboats in France or take trips to Amsterdam. I think that the feelings were the same, and some of the points made are extremely valuable. And suffering through such an event in the limelight must be an awful addition to an incredibly painful experience.

The question is a valid one. Why did I stay? For me, and for Rebecca, I think for two reasons. One, because we loved with our whole hearts. And two, because we let ourselves be treated this way. That part of the book I resonated with. The pain, the grief, the humiliation I resonated with.

I just didn’t get along with the book. It felt quite ‘he did, she did’ and my friend made me dinner every night and plied me with wine and aren’t my friends amazing. But the missing factor for me was the loneliness and isolation that comes from a break up. For me, it was nights in alone, crying watching friends reruns. It was dragging myself to work because there was nobody else to take care of me. It was questioning myself (which Rebecca does speak of) relentlessly. It was packing up his crap and arranging collection. My friends did their best, but I didn’t have the support network she did. I imagine most women don’t have these people to lean on.

Feminism is brilliant when you are lucky enough to have women (and other genders) to support you. But for a lot of us, break ups are so isolating. I can only assume that’s why I found this difficult.

I’m very glad Rebecca is doing well now. I am too. I think it’s great she’s written this important book and it’s great to see from the reviews that so many women think it’s powerful. The message of self worth and lifting one another is great. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t for me.

[Tash Webster · Rating 4 out of 5]

An extremely candid, sincere and empowering memoir from a fierce woman reclaiming her identity and self-worth after a very public break-up. Humphries explores the ins and outs of toxic relationships, co-dependency and the impact of pop culture on the expectations of love, recalling her own experiences in unflinching and heart-breaking detail, and making astute and insightful observations about society and relationships in general. Ultimately she takes control of her pain and demonstrates how to reframe disaster as an opportunity. As Rebecca says: "losing love was hard. But it was much easier than losing myself."

Thanks to the publisher for the review copy!

[Georgia · Rating 3 out of 5]

quite long but also entertaining if you're interested in hearing about loads of horrible things seann walsh has done (naturally!) and also are hyped about strictly returning and want to read some oblique gossip about the dancers (i have done a lot of wikipedia research and have concluded that the mean dancer who googles her own name at parties is K A R E N (no surprises there))

[Flo Beswick · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️
Seann Walsh is one shite bloke. Spent a lot of this book thinking she could’ve summarised that in 200 rather than 400 pages. That said, I’m glad I finished it as it was really powerful to see her sense of self worth by the end.

[Nicoladuffy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inhaled it - didn’t even know who the author was so wasn’t drawn by the famous events that where the catalyst for the book - so well written - some epic lines - a comment about her mother and her relationship - two spirits who didn’t make a very nice cocktail was absolutely wonderful - read immediately please - I am not the effusive type - but have sent to a few people
I notice most of the reviews are from women - I really feel this book is for everyone

[Emma Neill · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this! I think it would be a really great and validating read if you've been in a toxic relationship with a narcissist or dealt with a lot of gas lighting behaviour!!

[hayley · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Sometimes anger gets you places."

I went into this book as someone with roughly five minutes' worth of research on what Strictly Come Dancing is, who Rebecca Humphries is, and who Humphries' ex-boyfriend (who she refers to as He in this book) is. Basically, I was largely unaware of what prompted the author's breakup and subsequent realizations recorded in this book before reading it.

Nonetheless, I think Why Did You Stay? demonstrates Humphries' clarity in telling the stories that are significant in her life and what those stories mean in her reflections on gender, society, and relationships in general. I believe her writing went beyond the average memoir by leaving many messages to readers on how they, too, can engage in self-help, recognize toxic cycles, and work on healthier relationships.

Overall, this book is quite empowering. It shows that the more we reflect on personal experiences, the more we can learn from ourselves and others. While I wish the book's organization were better as it goes back and forth, maybe that's an unintentional metaphor for how healing isn't linear — a reminder I fully support.

[Katie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm giving this 3 stars because it is really gripping and well written. But it feels a bit like a celebrity tell all. It's half tabloid article, half literature, and it feels weird.

I think we need more voices about abuse that come from diverse places. But the stage keeps being given to - and taken by - women like Ms Humphries. Looking at her instagram she's quite comfortable to step into the limelight and be a spokesperson for abuse survivors.

As other survivor reviewers have mentioned, they didn't get an outpouring of support and offers of six figure payments for tell all articles, or book deals. The abuse continues well after the breakup, and it extends to their support network. As such this is a completely unrelatable message about abuse for many women who are more vulnerable or have experienced it on a more serious spectrum.

[Jade Harvey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I enjoyed how transparent she was, but it could have been half the length. And was so disappointed that a book about female self worth and discovery ended with the author meeting a bloke – same old shit.

[Kathleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

powerful, funny and gossipy ! loved it

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's only September and I already know this is gonna be one of my top books of the year.
This goes right up on the shelf of Glennon Doyle's "Untamed" and Dolly Alderton's "Everything I know about Love". I have know idea how this isn't viral yet.
A bible. A revelation. A cultural reset. A rewiring of one's brain chemistry.
I think my frontal lobe fully developed while reading this book.

It isn't so much a book about a public breakup and emotional abuse as it is - like the subtitle suggests - about self-worth and how women are raised and socialised to please not develop any. It will leave you feeling angry, mind-blown, inspired and seen. Rebecca manages to put things into words that I personally have been experiencing tremendous amounts of female rage over but wasn‘t able to really put my finger on.

This is Paris Paloma's "labour" feat. Taylor Swift's "The Man" feat. Maisi Peters' "The History of Man" feat. Marina's "Man's World" feat. Florence's "Girl with one eye" feat. Charli XCX's "girl, so confusing featuring lorde" - but as a book. If Taylor's TTPD set on the Eras Tour is "Female Rage the Musical", this is "Female Rage the Book". But amongst the rage, there is real, intense emotion, and pain, and feeling lost, and empathy and vulnerability.

An absolute gem of a book. Should be mandatory reading for every woman of 20+. Watch me force all of my friends to read this if they want to or not.

[Tatiana · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't like two things:
1) Writing style, somehow it was hard to understand for me what's going on
2) There were supposed to be "why I stayed" parts, which I thought is brilliant idea. But they were not believable - a first couple still felt like "why did I leave"

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll (Jenny) start by saying that you do not need to be a Strictly Come Dancing fan to read this book. Back on the 2018 series of Strictly there was quite the scandal when one of the participants, Rebecca Humphries' boyfriend, was papped kissing his married, professional dance partner. The night before, Rebecca had been filmed clapping and crying at their dance routine on live TV. Both guilty parties put out statements, as did Rebecca. Hers was brave and powerful and alluded to the fact that the 'boyfriend' was a gaslighting arsehole. She got a reply on Twitter that she fixated on - if he was so bad, why did you stay?

This is Rebecca's memoir about being with an emotionally abusive partner, the subtleties of his behaviour, the excuses she made for him, the love she felt for him, the hopes and dreams she put into the relationship, the way he isolated her from her friends and why it took so long for her to leave him. It's scarily relatable, and that's the point. I believe the audio is the way to go with this one. Rebecca narrates it herself and it's VERY funny and conversational, I blasted through it and looked forward to picking it up. She's a person full of love and warmth and it was just nice to spend time with her during night-time feeds 👶🏼 even if the subject matter was less than pleasant. It's a powerful and hopeful memoir and I highly recommend.

[Beth · Rating 2 out of 5]

Decided to DNF at around 80%. I was not going to gain anything more from it beyond that point.

Firstly, kudos to Rebecca for reclaiming her story after being publicly humiliated by the disgusting Seann Walsh.

I was so looking forward to her memoir but unfortunately this really didn't work for me for several reasons:
- way too long; could have been reduced by 50% and maybe then the message would be communicated more effectively
- a lot of very specific anecdotes from RH's life and particularly childhood & teens that seem unnecessary
- confusing timeline, jumping back and forth between reasons she stayed and reasons she left her relationship (sometimes not clear which was which)
- while I typically enjoy an audiobook narrated by the author, I didn't get along with this one. I found it overly theatrical and ultimately grating to listen to.
- could not relate to her experiences at all, she dealt with heartbreak in very different situations than I am (and probably the majority of people are) used to

[Roisin · Rating 2 out of 5]

This would be 2.5 for me - I feel really mean saying that and it’s not to discount Rebecca Humphries experience but I wish I read this rather than listened to it and I think I would have gelled with it better?

Lots of people have pointed this out but it’s just too toooo long. Lots of random anecdotes that aren’t really relevant to anything (also deeply personal about random people) and again because I listened to it a lot of the humour that I think was intended to be dry just came across as really snide at points?

The ending was lovely - I just wish there was more of that and about her FEELINGS and what she experienced rather than like the superficial sides of things, like how many followers she gained etc.

[Poppy Gill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brave. Important. Inspiring. Deserves to be a bestseller.

[Katie Hull · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is painful, beautiful, funny, heart breaking, relatable and important. I cried a lot - which probably means I have some work to do internally. An absolute must read.

[Steph · Rating 3 out of 5]

An illuminating read, but more importantly, what was clearly a cathartic act for Rebecca Humphries to write about this in her healing process. There are important messages in there about not accepting unhealthy romantic love simply because society conditions us to measure our worth by the ways in which we are loved romantically.

WHY DID YOU STAY? reads quintessentially "white British woman," full of witty, fast-talking Brits who use words like "slag off" and "ciggie" in their sentences. If you like a certain subset of British media, such as Dolly Alderton, Fleabag, Bidget Jones, etc, this will be in your camp. Yet I couldn't help but want more depictions of how, exactly, narcissists like Humphries' ex ensnare their abuse victims. Even though the book alternates between "I STAYED" and "I LEFT" chapters, the majority of the book depicts the "after" of the narcissist's tactics, focusing mostly on the last year of their abusive relationship, and the year after their breakup. Like many other books I've read depicting narcissistic abuse, the actual tactics that the abuser uses are not depicted, rather than aftermath, when the victim is already so ensnared that they are emotionally shut down and mentally ready to break up, though physically unable to. What books like this lack for me is WHY, exactly, narcissistic abuse is so insidious and subtle, and how easily it can look like great love.

[Hannah Goodwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why did I LEAVE?

Before I had read this book, I had very little interest. I was initially skeptical. I'd dismissed it to my friends as not my cup of tea; a genre I'd never explored, a reality show I didn't follow, and a comedian I didn't admire. My own happy relationship made Rebecca’s experiences feel worlds away. I was in a healthy long term relationship and had no real experience of cheating or disloyalty. But, I of course was inclined because of book club, and listened to the audiobook on Spotify. Rebecca's engaging writing style kept me hooked, though I couldn't fully connect with her story. About halfway through though, I ran out of listening hours and had to wait another 5 days until I could finish it.

In what seems a pretty sadistic twist of ironic fate, as I was forced to pause my audiobook, my own relationship was crumbling. I had learnt that my partner of four years had been secretly messaging another girl for weeks, after a night out on holiday. Suddenly, Rebecca’s narrative wasn’t just a story; it was my reality.

The initial shock of the event gave way to a strange sense of familiarity. As I returned to the audiobook, it felt like a perverse guidebook to my own heartbreak. I was reading a “how to” book on “what not to do when you have found your partner cheating”. I found myself echoing her sentiments, "He treats you like dirt! Why do you stay?" each time she faced another betrayal.

In fact I almost think that it’s BECAUSE of this book that I knew I had to leave him. I couldn't be a hypocrite. I couldn't endure the slow poison of infidelity that Rebecca had so vividly portrayed. With newfound clarity, I knew I had to leave. Cheating, I realised, is a disease that festers, worsens and spreads unless eradicated completely. I wouldn't allow myself to suffer the same fate.

There’s a lot of backlash in the reviews about Rebecca’s recovery after the breakup, branding her as privileged; being able to whisk off to France on a canal boat, or Amsterdam for a girls trip, or even just staying in her friends’ spare bedroom for months seemingly rent free. Critics are claiming such luxuries are unattainable for the average betrayed soul, that it’s not usually like that and that recovery is much less glamorous and much more lonely. Yet, while I may not be jet-setting to Europe anytime soon, I've found solace in the unwavering support of my loved ones.

Rebecca's story, I believe, is not merely a chronicle of heartbreak, but a testament to the power of friendship. Her friends rallied around her, offering help, sanctuary and distraction. Her friends' age, financial stability, and creative careers, allowed them to offer unique forms of support. But the essence of their actions—their willingness to help—is universal. My own experience mirrors this. While I may not have the same resources as Rebecca, the outpouring of love and support from my friends and family has been overwhelming. My network has extended a lifeline; offering me spare rooms, beds, floors, and sofas. They've volunteered to help me pack up my life and move all my things. They've planned distractions and nights out. And, in a truly heartwarming gesture, my soon-to-be sister-in-law offered to do the 500 mile round trip just to deliver a well-deserved punch to his face. Yes, there have been moments of loneliness, but my friends and family’s unwavering presence has eased the pain. They've reminded me that this is a difficult chapter, but it's a chapter that will eventually close.

This book forced me to confront a grief I hadn’t anticipated. As I listened to the audiobook, driving back to my former life, I found myself pulled over on the side of the M6, tears streaming down my face. My world had been shattered. My future, friendships, and home, all stolen by the person I once idolised. Overnight, the rose-tinted glasses had shattered, revealing a stark reality. I was stranded on the side of a motorway, halfway between a life I knew and a future uncertain.
I didn’t beg, plead, or seek explanations. There was nothing left to salvage. I’m eternally grateful to Rebecca for illuminating this truth far sooner than I would have on my own. While I like to believe I’m a strong, confident woman who knows her worth, the reality of leaving a long-term relationship can be far more complex. This book served as a powerful reminder of my strength and my ability to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

Here’s something else about toxicity – once you know about it, you see it everywhere. After I left him, I began to see its insidious influence everywhere, even in my own relationship. The man I once idealised was revealed as a manipulative figure. I guess I just thought relationships took work and compromise, and weren’t always plain sailing, but actually, this narrative can be quite destructive, making women believe that they should settle for “just fine”.

But I refuse to settle for mediocrity. I crave a love as extraordinary as the love I'm capable of giving. This book ignited a spark within me, empowering me to leave a toxic relationship and demand more. Rebecca's epilogue, a testament to her resilience and happiness two years post-breakup, offers me hope for the future. While my current circumstances may seem bleak – moving back home at 27 and storing my belongings in a garage – I'm filled with a quiet confidence. I know that a truly extraordinary love awaits me, and I'm ready to embrace it when the time comes.

5/5 stars

[Caroline McKee-Wood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kudos to Rebecca Humphries for reclaiming her story. I resonated with this book far more than expected.

Of course, favourite quotes (its not often I highlight on kindle):

“If heaven is real, then surely there must be a special section for the friends one makes in womanhood. It’s probably some kind of well-lit pub playing Kate Bush not too loudly, that serves cocktails in delicate ribbed glassware and has really thoughtful touches in the toilets like expensive hand wash and cream and pleasingly forceful hand dryers.”

“I think that losing love was hard. But it was much easier than losing myself. “

[Madalena Caetano · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ouch. feel seen

[Maddy Peden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Could not put this down - so wonderfully written and thought provoking and I think every woman should read it

[Emily Whyte · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5⭐️!!! Honestly edging on a 5.

I really loved this - especially as an audio book. Narrated by Rebecca herself it felt like a podcast and was so easy to listen to. It’s such a raw, insightful and emotional memoir - within its brutally honest truths, there were funny elements and I felt like I was listening to a friend speak about her relationship experiences - the good, bad and ugly parts.

I particularly loved how it kept returning to the reasons why she stayed as it’s such easy question to ask, when really the answers are far more complicated.

I knew very little about Rebecca’s relationship with the strictly contestant I can’t even bear to name, but it made me feel sad and sick hearing how he treated her. Her brutal honesty highlights not only her strong nature but the importance of the circle around you, friends and family.

The final chapter was amazing! The advice about therapy, writing down feelings and going on a solo holiday, as well as a reminder that your body wants what’s best for you so trust it when it speaks - are such good reminders of looking out for yourself and acknowledging how far you’ve come.

Care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust and open and honest communication, the recipe of love 🫶🏻

[Vivi · Rating 5 out of 5]

„Warum sind die überhaupt zusammen, wenn sie sich nicht guttun? Warum lässt sie sich das gefallen?“

Wir wissen natürlich, dass Missbrauchsopfer nicht selbst schuld sind. Aber irgendwie glauben wir doch, dass immer beide einen Anteil am Drama haben. Oder auch, dass eine Frau, die mit „so einem toxischen Mann“ zusammen ist, ja nicht soo schlau sein kann, naja, kein Wunder. Meistens reden wir dabei über Leute, die in der Öffentlichkeit stehen, über Frauen aus dem Trash-TV. Bei uns oder unseren Freundinnen würden wir es natürlich nie so weit kommen lassen.

Die britische Schauspielerin Rebecca Humphries gerät in den Fokus der Medien, als sie von ihrem Freund mit einer Tänzerin bei Let‘s Dance betrogen wird. Sie postet einen Tweet, indem sie ihm langjährigen emotionalen Missbrauch vorwirft. Neben tausenden unterstützenden Kommentaren bleibt ihr dieser eine im Kopf: „If he was that bad, why did you stay?“. Und so erzählt sie in sich abwechselnden Kapiteln, warum sie so lange geblieben ist und wie sie es schafft, sich nun davon zu lösen.

Dieses Buch hat für mich eine neue Perspektive nachvollziehbar gemacht. Denn Rebecca ist nicht nur sehr ehrlich, sondern auch sehr witzig, sympathisch und schlau. Also… doch so wie meine Freundinnen. Ob man in eine toxische Beziehung gerät, hat damit eben nichts zu tun.

[Ore · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this as part of a bookclub at work. At first, I was quite excited to read it as I am a huge strictly fan and read all the drama that went on behind the scenes at the time that happened. And while I did find this an interesting read and really did sympathise with the author. I think the length of the book kind of made a little bit to self-indulgent for me personally. It kind of feels like a little bit of a harsh review because she did go through something really awful in the public eye and she has the right/it’s understandable why she feels the way that she feels but again I just think the length of it made it a little bit too woe is me for my liking.

It is well written for someone who is not an author and I don’t find it difficult to read. I would recommend it to people who are maybe sort of mid 20s to probably about 40, especially if you are maybe struggling with being single or you have a lot of thoughts about relationships and dynamics within those relationships. It is a good read. I just think it could’ve done with being a bit shorter.

[Rosie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Raced through the first half of this like a gossip hungry fiend, found it incredibly compulsive and endearing in the simple story-telling, loving the past/present format. But I felt the book lost steam by the time it rolled round to the final third exploration into why and moving forward, because it was missing a critical lens or deeper research into why co-dependant patterns occur, but I understand that the author isn’t a writer or equipped to provide this. It felt like the only other research book was bell hooks, and could of done with more imo. But still, an enjoyable read and I’ve already recommended it to quite a few friends.

[Sam Hatia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Feels a bit harsh giving this two stars but my firm belief is not everything needs to be a book. Hats off to Humphreys for making money off a bad situation but this is essentially a book about a toxic relationship and a breakup. I also have never watched strictly or know anything about the comedian involved in this so a lot of the references didn't make sense to me ( agree that this one was on me)

[Rhianna Clay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes you read a book and just know it was absolutely the time in your life that you needed it most. That was this book, and I’m grateful to the friend who recommended it to me.

“I love me, and I wont let anything happen to her. All because once upon a time my worst nightmare came true.”

[Jessie Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5*

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honestly, if you’ve ever been in a shitty relationship? Read this book.