Loving You Is Hurting Me: A New Approach to Healing Trauma Bonds and Creating Authentic Connection

by Laura Copley

Move forward in your journey and learn how to heal your emotional wounds, get unstuck, and get into healthy, loving, intimate relationships with the help of this eye-opening book. At the core of most toxic relationships is a painful trauma wound desperate to be healed. As a licensed professional counselor and trauma researcher, Dr. Laura Copley often found herself disturbed by the stigma that her profession puts on trauma survivors who are in these toxic bonds, often too quickly labeling them as victims or abusers and blaming them for their troubled relationships. But trauma survivors try to navigate romantic relationships in the only way they know how--fearfully and painfully. Too often, survivors of trauma are left feeling hopeless, exiled from normal social interactions, and destined for heartbreak in any relationship they attract.

Through her work with clients, and her own experiences, Dr. Copley developed a roadmap for healing the toxic emotions that come from being bonded by trauma in relationships. In Loving You is Hurting Me , Dr. Copley guides you through your trauma origins and into a life rich with meaning, loving connection, and inspiration. Drawing from groundbreaking science on trauma and its effects on the body, and from her own practice including a decade’s worth of research on trauma and intimacy, Dr. Copley presents an experiential and transformative approach unlike any other. Her program transforms your trauma bond into deep connection with the self and safe intimacy with others.
 

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Self Help, Mental Health, Reference, Abuse

304 pages, Hardcover

Published October 10, 2023

Reviews

[Lily Marks · Rating 5 out of 5]

I walked into a Barnes and Nobel to get Letters to Milena and Throne of Glass and somehow was carried to the self help section and found this absolute gem.

I needed this book more than I would care to admit. This is arguably one of the most impactful books I’ve read and worked through in years (my copy is covered in highlighter and multi colored pen annotations). I’m not kidding that the stories and exercises in here were my saving grace in what felt like a never ending grieving period of my last relationship, who I was before experiencing trauma, and working on my relationship ideals, norms, and expectations.

She tells you to take your time with this book and take breaks to really let yourself sit with the chapter and consciously adopt what you’ve uncovered and I did exactly that. I stayed on this book for as long as I truly needed and I’m genuinely better off for it.

Would recommend this book 100% to anyone feeling lost with themselves in their adult years, trying to understand and grieve a relationship, heal their relationship with themselves, or someone looking to be a better partner, friend, parent, etc…

Love <3

[Jamie Park · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed this. Sadly. As a child who was on her own I never learned how to maintain relationships. I love people but I keep my distance.
However, I have had a happy marriage for 20 years because we both put the kids first and that gives us no time to fight or break up and a common goal. So that's fine and I don't need to change anything. Romantic relationships are not everything there is and we should keep that in mind. Honestly, our belief that romantic relationships are everything is bad for society and communities. I truly believe that can damage your kids because you cannot focus on your partner all the time. You can't. And it is also why some parents allow their partners to abuse their kids. Or maybe I feel this way because my parents put their respective partners first and as a result I was left to care for myself and my brother. I am still caring for my brother.

I am trying to build a life and my partner is a partner in that, we don't need to have a lot of great dates and hold hands all the time for that.

Great book. Absolutely essential for us broken people.

[Spoilsporty · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s definitely worth reading!
I had love and hate relationship with this book while reading, and it took a while.
Some thoughts were very deep and healing, others I had to read several times before realising they are just repeating what was said on a previous page.
But overall it’s a great read for those who are either interested in the topic or need self-help.

“Dance” metaphor was killing me 🙈 you could drink every time “dance” was mentioned and become an alcoholic by the end of the book))

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never read a relationship self-help book that guided me so gently and intentionally exactly where I needed to go. Loved the activities and exercises. Loved the author's voice. Loved the client stories. But also it is packed with a new way of looking at toxic relationships in a way that left me feeling inspired and empowered. Highly recommend for anyone wanting a new way of dealing with your painful relationship patterns and connecting more deeply with the self.

[Pam · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really found this to be a slog. Didn’t make it halfway. I don’t really think we can call this a “new” approach as I don’t think I heard anything new in the whole first half. Gonna go ahead and put this one down and move on, but I think if this was your first foray into this genre, it could be a much more interesting read.

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this an audio book first, but then realized having the hardcopy would benefit me even more. The exercises, prompts, and activities are better than any therapist I've had. If Dr. Laura had availability I would work with her in a heartbeat. Excellent self help book.

[Candy Sparks · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was worth reading. Super informative and helpful. I enjoyed it and it is easy to read and understand.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book..just hard subject matter. Read it slowly.

[Spades DeLuca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely see myself rereading this one in the future and making even more notes... I feel like this should be a staple on trauma informed therapist bookshelves... I hate that I love it, but hate that it spoke to me so deeply even more.

[Lawrence Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

(Audible) Just before the author mentioned Brene Brown in her ninth chapter, I thought this reminds me of self-help author Brene Brown. Although Brown gives you a bit more inflection, so the stories and insight don’t run into one another, I enjoyed how this author shared her own personal story of maturity and growth. I recommend this book.

[Kayley Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m grateful my therapist recommended this book to me. After several months in therapy, this book helped to map out my journey and show my progress. I was able to release any shame or guilt I felt from attachment trauma created in childhood and the patterns I found myself in with my adult relationships. I now have a book to reference if I need tools to help with an area I may find myself struggling in. I recommend this book to anyone that has found themselves in a “toxic dance” before; however, depending on where you’re at in your healing journey take it slowly. I found myself benefitting from part 3 in the book since I’ve already made progress in identifying my attachment trauma and inner child wounds in therapy.

[Esther · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title tells exactly what’s inside… which is a fantastic book! I can’t tell you enough how helpful this book is. I’ve lost family that are still here.. they say it’s forever. This book helped me understand how to handle and to go forward. It helped in this situation and many more. I can’t tell you how wonderful this author and this book is. If you need help …then please please please read this!