Dilemma: A Priest's Struggle with Faith and Love

by Father Albert Cutie

.".. published in the year 2011 by arrangement with Celebra"--T.p. verso.

Genres: Nonfiction, Religion, Memoir, Biography, Catholic, Theology, Christian

431 pages, Hardcover

First published November 11, 2010

Reviews

[Jenn · Rating 2 out of 5]

While his story is interesting as written, there was so much in there that was just ... misguided thinking or .... *sigh* I can see why he ended up doing what he did and thinking that he was correct in doing so. And it makes me sad. I have empathy for him, but I do not agree with him.

Probably the one section that sums up his point of view in this book is, "But human beings must be allowed to change their minds about what they believe to be true and good. Otherwise, we are mere robots."

Um, no. That's relativism. If there's an objective truth, then it's true for all time. The truth doesn't change even if you are surrounded by tons of people who are failing to live out the truth and are being scandals and hypocrites. Even if 90% of the people are doing this. It doesn't make the truth untrue. It's merely sad.

[AC · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am a cultural Catholic. What that means is that while I do not go to church I still believe in the works of mercy and the Nicene Creed. However, I do not agree with the archaic rules of the Church that were developed during the Middle Ages.

When Fr. Cutie's scandal broke out, I was shocked. I couldn't believe that one of the Church's most visible leaders would do such a thing. But I didn't condemn him like many Catholics did and continue to do (just read the National Catholic Register's Jimmy Akin blog posts that he wrote without reading Cutie's book).

This was a brutally honest memoir. I enjoyed reading it. Fr. Cutie writes about the rampant homosexuality in the seminaries and the Church, as well as the straight priests who keep women and children on the side. Fr. Cutie even mentions how one brother priest emailed him and said, "Albert, the only difference between me and you is that you got caught."

Fr. Cutie goes on to demystify the Church's celibacy rule which is not based on the Bible nor is dogma. He also states that the celibacy rule prevents many good people from being priests. The celibacy rule has led to a shortage of priests here in the US. That is why many dioceses wind up transferring priests from Latin America to the US. So you get priests that you can barely understand AND don;t understand our culture.

Fr. Cutie writes how the Church is out of touch with the people. It has struggled to attract people. He believes this because the Church is all about exclusion.

He also mentions how there are people like me who identify ourselves as being Catholic but just because we were born into Catholic families. We aren't really a part of the Church. I can tell you from personal experience is because the Church is all about exclusion. The last time I went to Church the priest before the Mass started gave a whole list of who couldn't receive Communion. How welcoming!

Oh, another example of the Church being out of touch is how it wants to revert to having parts of the Mass in Latin. Yeah. That's great. Because everyone knows and understands that dead language.

Read this book with an open mind and an open heart.

[Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I approached this with a good deal of skepticism; I've generally not been impressed with religious figures who seem to court the media, so the fact that Fr. Cutie used to be called "Father Oprah" for his tv talk show didn't win him any points with me. I sympathized with his struggle and am truly glad he's found both love and new home in the Episcopal church as a married priest, but I was not impressed by what seemed his attempts to justify his actions...and I had to laugh when he described his (at the time future) wife as someone who "never wanted to be the kind of woman who would tempt a priest" (paraphrased) when in practically the next paragraph he says, after they realized they were attracted to each other, she sent him a letter asking to become better friends, agreed to go out to dinner, etc. Also troubling was his obvious bitterness towards the Catholic Church - understandable, given that he was treated more harshly than priests who had committed illegal acts, like child abuse, but not a very Christian attitude to fill a book with.

All in all, a very interesting book which raises many good points to think about.

[Marianne Stehr · Rating 3 out of 5]

If Father Albert could stop talking about how great he is and how everything/everyone else is at fault this could have been a very good book. It had a wealth of knowledge about the differences between the Anglican and Roman Churches that as a former Roman Catholic did not know, but you could barely get past the fact that this man, knowlingly, committed a horrible sin and who is to blame...The Roman Catholic Church, the church that Father Albert made his committments and promises to, the church that did not change, Father Albert changed. I do not fault this change, the vows he made are more than most are willing to undertake, however the church didn't change the rules halfway through, Father Albert chose to ignore them and then got sad and angry when the church and the world called him on it. I am happy for the peace he has found in his new life and family and respect that the choices he had to make were difficult, I would have just rathered see him admit to that and not take up 300 pages blaming others.

[Alfy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Omg this book was so boring. He kept repeating things over and over again. Im glad im done!

[Stacey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was Father Albert reading my mind when he wrote this book? He addressed every concern/conflict that I have with the Catholic Church. I enjoyed seeing things from a priest's point of view and reading about what really goes on behind the scenes. I've always felt that the life a Catholic priest must be so lonely.

Very good read -- I couldn't put it down.

[Kristin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I went into this book, trying to understand why a Catholic priest would switch to the Episcopal Church. All of the Catholic priests I've known, and I've known quite a few, seem to be very content with Catholicism. And in this book, I saw that some Catholic priests are not happy with the rigid demands of the Mother Church, some truly can't handle them psychologically. They sometimes turn to alcohol or sex. Some hide their relationships. I enjoyed reading from the human perspective of a priest, and seeing the human side of other priests. Too often do we put them on a pedestal, expecting super-human things from them, when they are just humans, struggling with their own issues.
What I didn't like about this book was that the author kept tooting his own horn, telling all about how wonderful of a priest he was, how hardworking, how welcoming, in spite of all the rigidity of the Catholic Church. I am sure he was....15 hour days don't sound fun, and doing them year uponm year sounds mentally and physically exhausting. Reading it once made me wish the Catholic priests I knew were like him. Some of them were, some of them were about as flexible and welcoming as a 10 foot thick brick wall. Reading it for the 10th time through the book, it was a little much.

[Apple Pie_ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Aprecio su historia. Solo tuve un problema con la forma en que se presentó. Siento que se presenta como una víctima en toda esta situación, sin asumir la responsabilidad.

Sí, los sacerdotes luchan con el celibato, pero él tomó una decisión, fue en contra de esa decisión y lastimó a mucha gente. En lugar de asumir la responsabilidad, culpa y culpa y culpa a la Iglesia Católica.

Ojalá se tratara más de él como persona y menos de culpar a la Iglesia Católica por todos sus problemas. Si hubiera asumido alguna responsabilidad por sus decisiones, me habría parecido menos anticatólico. Además, es un libro que siento que sacó como venganza con un "ahora te va la mía" al ser encontrado en evidencia por los paparazzi que provocaron la ruptura final de el con la iglesia a la cual pertenecía.

El libro estuvo entretenido y aun cuando si creo lo que dice, siento que toda la situación debió haber sido al revés.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very interesting book. I loved the personal story, but the ending chapters and their focus on what is wrong with the Catholic church would probably appeal more to Catholics (I'm already in agreement with Cutie that celibacy is not biblicaly mandated or practical). I'm glad Cutie has found love and continued in ministry.

[Emilie]

I really appreciated being able to gain the perspective of a priest on various issues within the Catholic church and also hearing the story of his growing disillusionment with the church. Cutie discusses the mistreatment of priests within the church (“disposable priests”), the challenges of living a celibate life (let’s face it asexual aromantics are only a very small percentage of the population so most priests are going to struggle with celibacy), un-christian behaviors among clergy such as gossiping, the loss of fraternity among priests (i.e. socialization and friendship which are crucial for mental health), among other issues faced by priests within the church. His story holds a very unique perspective and I think a lot of people would gain a lot of insight from reading this book. 3.5/5 stars.

[Cristopher Monterrosa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Venganza solapada

No dudo de la veracidad del autor en todas las experiencias que comparte pero el libro me deja un mal sabor, una impresión negativa. Admiro la fortaleza del protagonista y me alegro que haya podido superar su crisis existencial; es triste e injusto cómo se hace leña del árbol caído y a él más que leña se le hizo picadillo y fue pasado por el fuego mas el libro es una especie de revancha donde se exponen todos los trapos sucios de la Institución Católica Romana resultando bastante tóxico.

[Adam Kovynia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of the best books I've ever read. I enjoy personal Memoir books the most and combined with religion it's very interesting. I think it was wise for him to write about exposing what really goes on and how many priests can be lonely and there is a lot of disfunction, double lives being lived and lots of money being spent on law suits. I personally have the viewpoint as a Christian that young earth creationism is true so I don't align with many denominations out there. I don't think it's necessary to go to church either if you don't want to.

[Jtp · Rating 1 out of 5]

not a favorite....feels like Cutie combines the issue of celibacy in the Roman Catholic clergy with pedophila and homosexuality among those realms...all important to discuss I assure you...but all of which are different.....his (still) hostile tone toward Roman Catholicism won't help to educate other Christians nor will it build any ecumenical bridges with American Catholics....a disappointment....

[Jennifer Hallock · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a quick read in my survey of former priest memoirs, and it was a great introduction to the genre. At times sweet, other times funny, you see deeper into the story behind the scandal that was this priest's affair with his now wife. The Church has let its (relatively recent!) rule of clerical celibacy cost it a good priest, as far as I can tell. The Church's reaction to Cutié's request to leave the active priesthood was pretty illuminating too.

[Joan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book I really enjoyed. Father Cutie's thoughts/concerns/insight really was very very interesting. The way the Catholic church handles things is very disturbing....but he presented it in an easy to understand way. How he handled things that occurred in his own life, in relation to the church and his life, was so good and fully researched. I mean, how do you research his situation? Well, he did. Talking to friends, fellow priests, etc. set him to his decision. Loved it!

[George · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was exciting to have an insider's glance on the situation of the Roman Catholic Church. On the other hand, I did find some of the author's main points rather shallow (e.g. leaving the Church because he could not respect the promise of celibacy for the rest of his life, and then blaming the Roman Catholic Church for having instituted this rule).

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

Provided a lot to think about, but there was a significant amount of Catholic bashing with nothing to back it up. I can imagine that what he cites is true, but there is no proof. Let's get a hard hitting book that exposes his allegation. I would be interested in reading that.

[Lorna Corcoran · Rating 5 out of 5]

A bit long winded at times, some of the final chapters i felt weren't necessary but generally I enjoyed it and agreed with him 90% of the time.

[Erick Santiago · Rating 4 out of 5]

Testimonio

Buen libro muy sincero , revela la realidad de vida de muchos hombres en la iglesia. Y la necesidad del amor

[Virginia Nadeau · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful and so true. I am 84 and because I grew up in a small town, we were well aware of what was happening in the Catholic Church.

[Becky R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although you might think the story is about his "dilemma" to leave the church for the woman he loved, the book is set up much more to examine the practice of celibacy. From the beginning of his story, to the last several chapters that are more of a persuasive essay on the negative side of celibacy, his book seems to be more of an argument against celibacy and more about the acceptance of married priests and an acknowledgment of sexuality as a part of mankind. As such, and with this thesis, the book comes together with a pretty powerful message that man's sexual nature cannot just be demonized and then skirted around or ignored, but must be addressed and encouraged in positive ways. In fact, Cutie has strong empathy for priests who have been demonized or cast aside because of scandals that have reflected badly on the church. One of his main issues with priesthood, as he currently see it, is that those who remain to secretly carry on sexual affairs and such are more successful in the priesthood than those who choose to share their struggles and desires and want to get help. This has then encouraged a culture of secrecy that reaches the highest levels of the church and continues to create an atmosphere where men joining the priesthood continues to plummet.

I remember seeing Father Cutie and his now wife in the pictures that broke in the news across the country, and even his later interview on the Oprah Show. Yes, it was big news that this famous Roman Catholic priest was caught canoodling on a beach in Miami, and I remember thinking that he was incredibly naive to think he could go out on a beach somewhere with a woman and NOT get caught! In the book, he describes what led up to this and how he had already admitted in his own confessions to another priest his feelings for his now wife. At this point, his disillusionment with the priesthood, the issue of celibacy, and the entire sexual scandal that continued to hang over all priests in the church was a bigger issue than even his decision to leave the priesthood to get married. His decision was not between the woman he loved and the priesthood, it was between his faith and his priesthood. In essence, had he not been caught, he could have continued a secret relationship with her and never admitted to any of it. However, because of his own determination to leave the Catholic church, he left and joined the Episcopal church, where he is currently serving as a married priest (who was also expecting a baby girl with his wife at the time the book was written).

As I'm not Catholic, I have to say that I was unfamiliar with priests and what they have to do to join the priesthood. Fr. Cutie's explanation of the priesthood and the troubles it encounters were extremely enlightening, especially considering the horrific spread and cover up of sexual abuse that has been uncovered across the country. Cutie shares at a later section of the book that studies within the priesthood show that over half of all priests are homosexual, leading to a serious question about the forced cover up that is actually encouraging men who want to be faithful Catholics to choose priesthood and celibacy as a way of avoiding that lifestyle. The church has recognized this to be a real challenge, and although homosexuality is not a precursor to becoming a pedophile, it has pushed all sexuality into the closet (so to say) and caused some priests to express their desires in secret and undesirable ways. As part of his argument, Cutie takes on sexuality and desire as part of his thesis that the modern church (all churches) need to address sexuality as a part of man's normal, natural development, and to take it out of the shadows of secret and shame. His arguments are strong, and seem to make a great deal of sense from my outside point of view, but I wonder how the Catholic church would tackle these issues of priesthood celibacy, women in the priesthood, and even birth control.

Dilemma is a very well written book, with a well focused point of view. Although I wanted to understand more about his wife, what she thought or felt, or even more of the emotional turmoil behind falling in love, I came to realize that this was not the goal of his story. It is very obvious that his story is not about the agonies of love, but about his struggle with faith. As such, I thought it was an exceptionally written, fine tuned argument about man and faith from his own experience. I read the book from cover to cover in one sitting and did not feel that it was gratuitous or even self-serving for that matter. Yes, Cutie has a bias against celibacy in the priesthood and has strong feelings about problems within the priesthood, but I didn't feel that he was out to convince everyone to like him. His real message was about a problem as he saw and experienced it and his own resolution. Overall, I thought it was very well done.

[Gale Jake · Rating 1 out of 5]

First, my opinion of the read - the book's style, sentence structure and vocabulary were at an 8th grade level. There was redundant filler; the book could have been trimmed by 30% or more without leaving out any of his messages.

Now on to the story....Alberto Cutie's ego slips out from behind the cassock and grows page by page to an overwhelming size. I kept on until the end, curious if it would take a turn for the best, it did not. Oh, poor me, all that work and nobody appreciates me, 16 hour days, reaching out to others, under the burden of evil superiors, but no one cares, oh poor me, poor me. Rationale for his choices is approached from many angles and justifications abound, always blaming others.

As a cradle and still-practicing moderate Catholic, the story line got my interest because I believe that married priest and women priests and priests from the local language and culture will be necessary for the church to relate to modern congregations, provide adequate staffing for congregations and attract youth. Celibacy sucks and it tends to draw marginal individuals to the fold's leadership. Not many of us in today's culture would trade a career for celibacy, hormones prove that we are only human.

If the church could attract mainstream Americans there would not be a shortage of priests and there would not be a need to import them from other countries. Many priests from other lands arrive in their USA parishes with a difficult time being understood and with challenges of being able to relate to their congregations. As intelligent, well trained and dedicated as they may be, most have a difficult time being understood due to accents and lack of affinity with local cultures.

Based on the current dogma of the church, I'd have to say that Alberto Cutie chose the wrong profession and the wrong organization to join. When he could no longer conform to the job requirements he blamed everyone and everything but himself for his change of professions. Shifting to an organization with different views on celibacy, allowing marriage, was not his primary desired position in life in my opinion.

Cutie sees himself as a rock star, a performer and a celebrity with desires to be on stage, preaching, followed by rounds of applause and adulation. He learned the entertainment trade via radio, television and speeches. He then slipped outside of the bonds of his peers to stand on the stage alone with all the bright spotlights focused on his bigger-than-life personage.

I had thought that this book's premise was based on Father Cutie's fate of being forced out of the Catholic ministry due to his desire to marry his love-at-first-sight wife, focused on the radical changes from the halls of the seminary to the role "fatherhood". We've seen that churning hormones are hard to suppress by famous male politicians. A priest's infidelity is even more interesting, worth a book. However, Cutie told very little about his wife and their relationship and how his past affected their future. His wife Ruhama was a side-note in the story in my opinion. I wonder how long this marriage will last?

----------

Biographies often leave out all the facts and darker sides, and autobiographies often avoid many of the truths, focusing only what the author wants others to hear, avoiding the bad unless it leads to success or salvation. But who can blame them? Would anyone tell all? No, nor would I. The book turned out not to be an autobiography, rather, it was an chastisement of others, the wonderfulness of the greener "pastors" and Fr. Alberto's need to pontificate. The book was an attempt to sell his point of view. I didn't "buy it". (hey it was a library loan)

OK, I feel badly about being very critical of this book. So, I'm glad these reviews can bed edited, someday I may meet Alberto and like him and his wife just fine. I'll let you know....

[Lacey Louwagie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Around the Year Reading Challenge Item #25: A Book Whose Main Character is in a Profession that Interests You

This feels like two different books smashed into one: the first half is something of a memoir of Cutie's experience in the priesthood, while the second half is essentially his rant about all the things that are wrong with the Catholic church, which he mostly attributes to the celibacy requirement for clergy.

This has a bit more of a "celebrity memoir" feel to it than I usually like, and the writing in the first half feels a little labored, clunky, and obligatory. I didn't realize that Cutie was such a public figure, so his need to tell "his" side of the story and his many references to how the media and those around him perceived him felt a little bit overly defensive to me. If you're looking for a love story, you will be disappointed -- he goes into very little detail about the relationship that was ultimately the last straw in his decision to leave the Catholic church, probably out of respect for his wife, whom he characterizes as a "private" and "shy" person.

The book picked up steam (and interest) for me after Cutie stopped acting as an apologist for why he remained in the Church for so long and instead dissects all that he sees to be wrong with it. There is nothing incredibly new here, although there are a few interesting insights, such as his belief that the Catholic church has been so silent in speaking out against dictatorial governments because it is itself a dictatorship. The idea that all of the Church's problems stem from the celibacy requirement is a bit of a stretch, but he makes a compelling argument for it nonetheless. I liked having the "insider look" behind the veil that is the Catholic hierarchy and appreciated that Cutie's role as an outsider allowed him greater than priests still within the system are afforded. I felt a bit uncomfortable with how Cutie seemed ready to give priests accused of sex abuse the "benefit of the doubt" as well as his conflation of homosexuality and predatory sexual preferences, even though he claims to be an ally to the GLBTQ community.

As a memoir it's a little stiff and wooden, and it's not the greatest treatise on the failings of the Catholic church. But I'm still glad to welcome Cutie among the chorus of dissenters calling for change in an institution that too often does more harm than good to its adherents.

[Joey Dye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, I really enjoyed reading Fr Cutié's story about his journey from the Roman Catholic Church into the Episcopal Church. However, I felt that the decision to focus the narrative on his relationship and marriage made it more a sensational piece--it was the story that people that read People would want to hear.
I had the expectation that this book would delve into the telling of a priest's journey from Roman Catholicism into the Anglican expression of catholicism more than it did. This superficiality aside, when Fr Cutié did leave the narrative to offer a particular insight, these insights were particularly pastoral and relevant to Christians and others trying to live lives of faith today.
The moments where Fr Cutié did dwell on the theological shifts he underwent were shifts I can readily relate to as someone who has made the journey from Rome to Canterbury. The important thing for him (and for me) is that it is not a forsaking of catholicism so much as entrance into another stream of thought in the catholic family.
In the end, this book read like a book written when it was (in the heat of his exit from the Roman Catholic Church). I would hope that Fr Cutié would continue to contemplate the circumstances and particulars of his journey and write more about his experience in transitioning from one form of catholicism to another--and not just on the differences (and perceived shortcomings) of the Roman Catholic Church. I would love to read his thoughts on what he sees to be the similarities and common strengths of these two faith traditions.

[Sanyashnick · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am glad I read this book. It was interesting to get an insider's view to the Roman Catholic church. Throughout the book though I found myself questioning whether or not I found this man to be very confident or a little arrogant. I'm not sure if I ever came to a definite conclusion.

I appreciated some of his opinions like how instead of transferring troubled priests from parish to parish, it would be more helpful to counsel these men and make an example of fallibility among humans. I loved the idea of keeping priests within one parish indefinitely as they become part of the community and it can be heart-breaking when they leave. Also, the idea of parishioners having say in the workings of the church (e.g., who the priest should be) seems like a good idea to me.

Much of the book seemed dedicated to letting the readers know of all of Father Albert's good deeds over the years and how he deserved better treatment from the church because of them. I do have to say that I am happy for him that he found a way to make things work for him, and that he now has a beautiful family and still working as a priest.

[James Laginess · Rating 2 out of 5]

A Misdirected Priest with erroneous views of the Catholic Church writes a book about a Dilemma resulting from his own mistake....Took me almost 2 years to read and the only point I found agreeable; is Priests should be allowed to marry in the Western Church as it was from the beginning. Aside from this valid point , the remainder of the book is finger pointing at what other priests have done or not done; and how punishments for other priests were not severe enough and his punishments were to severe; basically a comparison of his wrong to theirs. From my perspective this is how children and irresponsible people behave when trying to deflect blame or wrongdoing. Fact is everyone is imperfect and sometimes promises are broken and the only way to make right and grow as a person, is to admit the wrong done on our own part, accept the repercussions of our choices and move on.....in my fairest opinion I would say this book is barely mediocre and offers very limited theological content ! 2 stars

[Kathryn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Father Albert Cutie, a popular Catholic priest, left the Roman Catholic church shortly after the tabloids uncovered his rendezvous on the beach with his girlfriend. His writes of two dilemmas: his vow of celibacy yet falling in love, and his personal philosophies evolving into major differences with the church he was serving. He writes openly about his struggles and opinions. At times it is almost painful to read about the way he was treated. Definitely an interesting book to read, but I marked it as "OK" simply because I felt it went on a bit too long and had quite a bit of redundancy. I personally am not Catholic, but am thinking that some of my Catholic friends might really struggle with his condemnation of the church's leadership. I did feel that he made a very compelling argument for priests to be married and am glad he seems to have found happiness within the Episcopal church and with his new family.

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A MUST READ! I was seriously touched by Father Cutie's honesty about his thought about his Catholic church. I am not a Catholic, but am a serious Christian who wants to understand the Catholic church. I realize he broke his vows of celibacy but I think he had the world and his congregations at his heart, whether it was his parish or the world. He told me what I had suspected was behind the scenes in the heirachy of the church. I know each demoninations has it's issues but the damage that the young men have suffered at the hands of some priests and the lack of the owning up of the church to the situation over the years and allowing priests to marry. I will watch for any of his future books and will read them... I would like his next book to be on his new church and how it deals with change and life and homosexuality, etc.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was pretty good! Other people had said he's a little repetitive, and I agree, so that's why I gave it a 4 out of 5. But even when he gets a bit whiny, he admits it! I like that haha. I enjoyed reading his thoughts and experiences and I definitely support him and most of his views. I disagreed with a few things he stated but not many. I also wonder if it was just HIS diocese that was so bad, but what about the others? Granted, he did encounter other leaders outside of his area and still came to the conclusions he did, so yeah. All in all, pretty good. I wouldn't pay the full price for it, but if I find it discounted or something, for sure I'll buy it. I recommend it to anyone who is interested in the ministry, disenchanted with hierarchical powerplay, etc. pretty good!

[Dawn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really touched me in mamy ways. In having many disappointments with the Catholic church, I have a greater understanding why and yet, also, that the "higher ups" of the church are people too and struggle with their own demons.

However, that being said, the hypocracy of it all is hard to overcome. I have decided to follow more on this priest and the good work he does. It is really insightful about the inner running of the church all the way to the Vatican. Father Albert is very inspirational, in my opinion, and teaches how you can accept people for the way they are but yet retain your own relationship with God without being suffocated by some of the unfortunate truths that bely all organized religions.